When Doves and Other Peaceful Winged Things Cry
Once upon a time there was a man named Karl Schleizel-Heizel. Karl Schleizel-Heizel lived in Nazi Germany, but in the time before the Nazis ruled the entire German speaking world and parts of Poland. As a matter of fact, the Germany that Karl called home existed even before sausage, but shortly after being completely owned by the Romans. Life for poor Karl had been on the decline ever since he was born. Karl had inherited green eyes from his mother and necrophilia from his father. As a result, Karl was banned from all cemeteries in Eastern Germany and Western Germany for that matter. At the age of seven, Karl's parents, cousins, and dog, Spot, were killed by a Mongolian man named Shan-Yu. Luckily, Karl was rescued from the jaws of Asian death by a mysterious Jewish ninja. This ninja decapitated the Mongolian invader using his magical Chinese Star of David. This unidentified Good Samaritan took Karl and trained him to become his predecessor in killing Mongolians and baking deli foods. However, Karl's stable situation would quickly deteriorate after receiving devastating news that he had been diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease. Unfortunately for Karl, research and any actual information on this progressive disease would not be available for some one thousand years. Karl's mentor, enraged by Karl's faulty health, impaled himself on a very pointy sword and the thirteen year old Karl to live on the streets or the early German equivalent.
Unable to find work or shelter in Germany, Karl moved to the newly conquered France and moved in with a crazy man named Pierre. Pierre was fond of cheese and despised showers. Karl, on the other hand, bathed twice a year and found himself in almost immediate conflict with his French roomie. Pierre, disgusted by Karl's cleanliness, contacted a former Roman gladiator/slave owner and sold his sweet smelling German room mate to the fierce Roman man. Thanks to his previous training in combat, Karl Schleizel-Heizel was an immediate success in the fighting pits of Africa. He quickly became known as The Twitchy Nazi due to the Parkinson's which caused him to twitch like a bunny on crystal meth. He and his African friend, Toby, became so famous with their unrivaled ability to kill stuff that Rome decided to reopen the Coliseum and reinstate the gladiator fights just to see the amazing duo spill blood.
In Rome, Karl and Toby continued to be successful in ending lives and soon fought for something more than fame and fortune: their freedom... and a lifetime supply of Olive Garden breadsticks. Karl had just experienced a life-changing experience when Karl singlehandedly defeated his Parkinson's Disease and had learned to appreciate the the finer aspects of life such as rainbows and a freshly deceased corpse.
Consumed by jealousy at Karl's newfound popularity, the Roman emperor who happened to be the same Mongolian who had destroyed Karl’s family and pet dog, Spot, plotted to kill Karl and open up a smoothie shop out of his own basement. It turns out that he had only been pretending to have been decapitated. Shan-yu's brilliant plan consisted of challenging the seasoned warrior to a fight to the death in the Coliseum, gladiator style. In the moment before entering the ring, Shan-Yu mortally wounded Karl in order to ensure victory over The Twitchy Nazi. Shortly before succumbing to the wound, Karl killed the Mongolian emperor using the power of his mind and a small flamethrower in front of the Roman spectators. To sweet, euphonious applause, Karl took his final bow before the curtain fell on his arduous life. Upon his death, doves cried and men gnashed their teeth and women threw themselves from windows and rooftops. The world had never known a man as noble as Karl Scheizel-Heizel and would never see his like again. If anything is to be learned from the life and death of Germany’s greatest fighter, it is this: People should not be afraid of their governments, governments should be afraid of their people and Superman is hot.
Unable to find work or shelter in Germany, Karl moved to the newly conquered France and moved in with a crazy man named Pierre. Pierre was fond of cheese and despised showers. Karl, on the other hand, bathed twice a year and found himself in almost immediate conflict with his French roomie. Pierre, disgusted by Karl's cleanliness, contacted a former Roman gladiator/slave owner and sold his sweet smelling German room mate to the fierce Roman man. Thanks to his previous training in combat, Karl Schleizel-Heizel was an immediate success in the fighting pits of Africa. He quickly became known as The Twitchy Nazi due to the Parkinson's which caused him to twitch like a bunny on crystal meth. He and his African friend, Toby, became so famous with their unrivaled ability to kill stuff that Rome decided to reopen the Coliseum and reinstate the gladiator fights just to see the amazing duo spill blood.
In Rome, Karl and Toby continued to be successful in ending lives and soon fought for something more than fame and fortune: their freedom... and a lifetime supply of Olive Garden breadsticks. Karl had just experienced a life-changing experience when Karl singlehandedly defeated his Parkinson's Disease and had learned to appreciate the the finer aspects of life such as rainbows and a freshly deceased corpse.
Consumed by jealousy at Karl's newfound popularity, the Roman emperor who happened to be the same Mongolian who had destroyed Karl’s family and pet dog, Spot, plotted to kill Karl and open up a smoothie shop out of his own basement. It turns out that he had only been pretending to have been decapitated. Shan-yu's brilliant plan consisted of challenging the seasoned warrior to a fight to the death in the Coliseum, gladiator style. In the moment before entering the ring, Shan-Yu mortally wounded Karl in order to ensure victory over The Twitchy Nazi. Shortly before succumbing to the wound, Karl killed the Mongolian emperor using the power of his mind and a small flamethrower in front of the Roman spectators. To sweet, euphonious applause, Karl took his final bow before the curtain fell on his arduous life. Upon his death, doves cried and men gnashed their teeth and women threw themselves from windows and rooftops. The world had never known a man as noble as Karl Scheizel-Heizel and would never see his like again. If anything is to be learned from the life and death of Germany’s greatest fighter, it is this: People should not be afraid of their governments, governments should be afraid of their people and Superman is hot.