No direction. Broken compass. =\
If something is terrifying, could it still be right?
It's strange to me that with the new school year about to start, I'm up in the middle of the night looking up teaching positions in the area. Is this adulthood setting in? Am I giving in? Will I do a job because it pays the bills, makes me useful, and/or is as emotionally tormenting as it is rewarding? I don't even know if I will get the job I'm about to apply for but maybe I can use it as a sign. If I get the job, this is what I should be doing with my life and if I don't, then I should keep looking.
What draws me to teaching? I feel like I'm in that delusional, leaps before looking, just see what happens, risk-taking state I sometimes get in. Sometimes it pays off and sometimes, I just pay. Maybe this has to do with the funk I was in today. Nothing bad happened but I was irritated or sad. I felt the rut I was in scratching me, picking at my scabs while creating new ones. I don't have much of a right to complain because my life is good... but I feel young and self-centered still, sorry to say. I want to help my family but I'd like to help myself. I don't regret moving back home to help out but I think the time has come for me to leave again. I feel like by staying here, I can't build my life. Instead, I'm taking on the life of others. I don't have a job so suddenly, I'm delegated their responsibilities. I don't mind helping... Only now I just feel like I can't enjoy my time. My time revolves around their schedule. I can't even sneak off to the mall without being called out to run errands... Even after having run errands for them earlier in the day.
It'll drive me crazy if I get this job but I'll go crazy looking for work too. I'd like to go back but part of me still doesn't feel ready. All I know is, I survived it once and at least this job is closer to people that keep me sane.
It's in God's hands.
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