INCOGNITO
I feel transformed. For better? For worse? The jury is still out. I feel the freedom to act on impulses and emotions I would normally shy away from and in suit, I find myself tempted and tested more and more each day. I entertain thoughts and act in ways that I don't share with everyone. I have freedom but only when I lead separate lives. Is that freedom? My heart says no but isn't that the reality of life? You choose which parts of yourself certain people can see. If you act in the moment, then that action helps define you and if you can't share that action with everyone does that mean your ashamed of yourself?
I feel more open and willing to take risks and although I feel transformed, I also feel weaker. Shying away from certain things kept me from doing things I shouldn't, kept me protected, kept me kosher to the people around me. Now that I'm letting go more, it's as if I don't have self-control. At least the kind of self-control that I had, the kind I secretly prided myself on. Sometimes, I wonder if it's because part of me doesn't care anymore. Part of me is giving up. I suppose in the end, I can argue that it IS because I care that I'm letting go and living my life.
So much has happened in the last two months. I took my trip to Virginia and Indiana. Then shortly afterwards, I've had my heart broken three times. Once by TMAC, a second by PSN, and a third time by the Lakers. At this time, my heart remains broken. Each day is a little different. One day my heart will hurt and the next I'm fine. I feel as if there isn't much to look forward to and I feel as if I'm in a rut - a jobless, loveless rut.
Honestly, I see hope in the horizon. Glimpses of excitement and intrigue, but they are only glimpses. Glimpses that I'll keep to myself because they are part of my secret reality. Glimpses born of second and third and fourth lives that offer me the opportunity to jump out of my skin and into my skin at the same time. Glimpses.
I feel more open and willing to take risks and although I feel transformed, I also feel weaker. Shying away from certain things kept me from doing things I shouldn't, kept me protected, kept me kosher to the people around me. Now that I'm letting go more, it's as if I don't have self-control. At least the kind of self-control that I had, the kind I secretly prided myself on. Sometimes, I wonder if it's because part of me doesn't care anymore. Part of me is giving up. I suppose in the end, I can argue that it IS because I care that I'm letting go and living my life.
So much has happened in the last two months. I took my trip to Virginia and Indiana. Then shortly afterwards, I've had my heart broken three times. Once by TMAC, a second by PSN, and a third time by the Lakers. At this time, my heart remains broken. Each day is a little different. One day my heart will hurt and the next I'm fine. I feel as if there isn't much to look forward to and I feel as if I'm in a rut - a jobless, loveless rut.
Honestly, I see hope in the horizon. Glimpses of excitement and intrigue, but they are only glimpses. Glimpses that I'll keep to myself because they are part of my secret reality. Glimpses born of second and third and fourth lives that offer me the opportunity to jump out of my skin and into my skin at the same time. Glimpses.