Not Completely Over Him
Well.., Ok I lied when I said I was over Kerry. -_- Everyday I sit here, wondering what the hell happened to him, is he already, did he commit suicide, why doesn't he call me, why can't he call me, did he break up with me for another girl, etc. The list is endless. I sent him messages from my phone to his mom's phone. He never called... His home phone is disconnected. His mom's cell doesn't take incoming calls. Is this our fate for this damn relationship?.. Or was this really meant to be? I sit here wondering why this happened.. Why I couldn't have gotten his address... why couldn't I have.. tried harder.. If I sat here and blamed this on myself, I will end up depressing myself. Miguel tells me it isn't my fault but.. honestly, who is it to blame? Both of us, for not compromising..? Or him for not listening to me.. or me for not understanding. I thought we were perfect, but nothing's perfect.. right..? *Sniffles, trying not to cry.* I sat here, searching to find his address online.. but I have had no luck finding him. I called his step dad's cell phone, hoping to have luck but I didn't. I have one last home.. to find his real dad's number and call it, hoping it still works. I mean, even if Kerry wants us to end, I don't want this friendship to just.. die.. I honestly don't. We've been together too damn long for this to end. *Tears start* Even though Mike broke up with me.. erm.. twice, we still talk. That's better than trying to avoid him because it worked for awhile and it stopped working. I can only avoid someone for so long. Like I avoid Bianca because I hate that bitch. I will never forgive her. I mean, when you tell me "Oh I love you like a sister." Mean it. I don't want you to sit here using all these loving words, "you my sister, you this.." and then act all hard because you with the popular folks who ain't even all that. Anyway.. that's all I really can say on that. I mean, even if I never talk to Kerry again, there will be a piece of my heart bitten off. Even Miguel, can't really replace Kerry. They are so alike and yet so different. Kerry had one of those kiddy voices where Miguel, sometimes he sounds too serious for me. Miguel is also protective for 13 years old. x.x Damn, everytime I say 13, I feel like a molestor. Kiddin' but anyway, I may like Miguel but ..there is just sometimes I can't have in life or try for. And that just be one of the things I may not get. Hell, if I ever went Miguel, I just have that feeling that we wouldn't last long. It's just some things about Miguel... I don't know..I feel I talk to Kerry sometimes then I forget that it's really Miguel. So I mean I have comfort with him but that may be all. *Sigh* Well, enough of this.. I'm already depressing myself. Well nothing else has been really going on. Spencer and I are still close. Not much to that. Sometimes he can be a butt face but really, is that anything new? *Giggles* He was mean to me today just like Friday. Allie took my damn spot next to him.. grrr.. Allie can get on my last nerves sometimes.. She really can. She has changed too. Everyone has really changed. Some for good, some for bad. But for me, I don't change and guess what everyone, I never will..