(no subject)

[lilboyblonde]

the one thing i fear in life is loss. and for some reason i keep losing. i can't hold on to anyone. i know it's not my fault but i don't understand why it has to keep happening. i don't think i can keep doing this. michael lived with me for 8 years as my brother. he was the one person in this house that i could actually talk to and be close with. we were such opposites but somehow got along perfectly. we'd spend our summers at home together just playing video games and doing god knows what. ever since my mom split with jay..about a year ago now i guess..i havent seen him much. he got into a lot of bad things that i didn't want to mess with and did a lot of things i didn't like. but only a few weeks ago he came over after getting out of prison to sit down and talk to me. he apologized for everything that has ever happened and we just talked and messed around like we used to. i thought everything was going to get better for him. i even warned him that the motorcycle was a bad idea. he told me he had driven it drunk and i yelled at him for it. he had been asking me to cosign a motorcycle with him for 4 years now and i obviously refused each time. his father asked me maybe two or three weeks ago if he should take the bike away from him. i didnt answer because i didn't think it was my place..now look. i don't blame myself for this. but i really can't take this. the wake is tomorrow. i'm dreading it. i've done this too many times. i cry to the point where i start shaking. i'm going to lose it when i see these people tomorrow.

i appreciate everything all my friends are doing for me right now. it means more than you know because honestly they're all i've got now. everyone wants me to talk but theres not much i want to say. this sucks. i've been handed too much of this and i'm way past my breaking point. i'm just gunna keep moving forward and pray that something goes right for once.