An epiphany (if you will)
It's funny how much one truly knows oneself in comparison to what he/she thinks she knows herself. I had all of my priorities right in line. I was chugging along with my goal clearly ahead, and now...I'm not quite sure.
I had been bothered by something that I've kept back from Dan for quite some time. I had actually resented him for his choices in religion. This issue is very important to me and I put up the facade that it didn't phase me when Dan told me about his inability to remain with the Catholic faith. Granted he was able to give good reasons as to why he couldn't see himself practicing an organized religion which had been engrained in him from little on, but he came off as immature as he mocked it to my face although he knows to some degree that I am a devout Catholic (albeit, I'm taking some time to explore the depth as to what that means). This injured me also at another level. As he was telling about his need to be free from organized religion, a degree of selfishness started flowing through my veins.
"What if I fell in love with him and wanted to marry him one day? Would I have to give up my dream of having the perfect "Barbie Doll" wedding that I had always dreamed of with white flowers strewn amidst our friends and family in a big church? Would I have to be one of those women who had to attend church alone or appear to be a widow for her children would unwillingly be with her?" This brought about another issue that he briefly touched upon one evening. Whether he knew I was taking him seriously, I'm not quite sure, but I did. He told me that if he had kids, he wouldn't have them baptized and they would be allowed to pursue their own way in terms of religion when the time was right. I was so angry at that statement that I had mearly rolled over and pretended to fall asleep.
That was then. These matters still concern me, but I find that after my panic attack derived from an email from the "friend" on Valentine's Day, this issue did not matter as much. I am in fact in love with Dan, and that matters above all.
He had once asked me "What if we do make it?" I did not know how to respond to that one until now. ...True, we'll have our issues and priorities that we'll have to work out, but so do all couples. I mean my parents are still working at it, and I have never seen two people more in love with one another. However, when he who shall not be named sent me that email in an effort to cleanse himself or maybe win my heart through pity, all I could think about was "What if I lost Dan?"
At that point on, all of those other things lost a great deal of value in my eyes. This thing called life is a very mysterious thing, but it's necessary. For without the experiences life provides, one cannot truly know oneself.
I had been bothered by something that I've kept back from Dan for quite some time. I had actually resented him for his choices in religion. This issue is very important to me and I put up the facade that it didn't phase me when Dan told me about his inability to remain with the Catholic faith. Granted he was able to give good reasons as to why he couldn't see himself practicing an organized religion which had been engrained in him from little on, but he came off as immature as he mocked it to my face although he knows to some degree that I am a devout Catholic (albeit, I'm taking some time to explore the depth as to what that means). This injured me also at another level. As he was telling about his need to be free from organized religion, a degree of selfishness started flowing through my veins.
"What if I fell in love with him and wanted to marry him one day? Would I have to give up my dream of having the perfect "Barbie Doll" wedding that I had always dreamed of with white flowers strewn amidst our friends and family in a big church? Would I have to be one of those women who had to attend church alone or appear to be a widow for her children would unwillingly be with her?" This brought about another issue that he briefly touched upon one evening. Whether he knew I was taking him seriously, I'm not quite sure, but I did. He told me that if he had kids, he wouldn't have them baptized and they would be allowed to pursue their own way in terms of religion when the time was right. I was so angry at that statement that I had mearly rolled over and pretended to fall asleep.
That was then. These matters still concern me, but I find that after my panic attack derived from an email from the "friend" on Valentine's Day, this issue did not matter as much. I am in fact in love with Dan, and that matters above all.
He had once asked me "What if we do make it?" I did not know how to respond to that one until now. ...True, we'll have our issues and priorities that we'll have to work out, but so do all couples. I mean my parents are still working at it, and I have never seen two people more in love with one another. However, when he who shall not be named sent me that email in an effort to cleanse himself or maybe win my heart through pity, all I could think about was "What if I lost Dan?"
At that point on, all of those other things lost a great deal of value in my eyes. This thing called life is a very mysterious thing, but it's necessary. For without the experiences life provides, one cannot truly know oneself.