Hello Life.
I'm pretty gay.
Having a cell phone is even gayer.
Having no one to call is gay times 3.
No, let me re-phrase that. I am gay times 3 because I do have people to call. I have some really good friends. And I have a boyfriend who probably would like to hear from me once in a while. But I suck. I don't feel like I do anything right. Sure, things would be a little easier if I let it go for good. In some ways. But let's try to look at it from Jenni's point of view. Just once. It's not all uphill from there, I can promise you that. Which is why I am the way I am.
If you know me well enough, you also know that I will pretty much do anything you ask me to. I'd probably fluff your pillow and read you a bedtime story if you really wanted me to. What I'm getting at is that I let people walk ALL OVER ME. It takes a WHOLE lot for me to get mad at someone. You have to do something pretty drastic for me to actually get mad at you. Because I do realize that people make mistakes. I make lots of them myself. I forgive stupid little things and you'd probably never know that it even bothered me in the first place. Maybe that's the starting point of where I go wrong.
It's hard for me to speak my mind and tell you how I feel. I don't cry. I've probably cried three times in the past year. And two times were because someone passed away. I don't "blow up." If i ever yell at you, you've really REALLY hurt my feelings. And I'll probably call you and apologize for yelling at you because even though i've heard a million times that it will make you feel better to go off on someone and make them see how they hurt you, nope, it doesn't work that way for me. I get off the phone and think, "oh my god I'm such a horrible person, I'm gonna end up having no friends, GOD I'm such a bitch....... I should probably go crawl into a hole and never come out."
In a nutshell, I can't stand the thought of hurting someone's feelings, if I care about that person in the slightest, so i'll let you treat me however the hell you want to. That's no one's fault but my own, and I do realize it. I've also come to the conclusion that there's not much I can do about it because i have to do it for myself and I am an extremely weak person in ways and have no strength to change.
When it comes to relationships, i've been in a total of ONE that has been long-term, or serious, whatever you want to call it. I've definitely learned a lot of things about people in general just from being in a relationship. I've learned that ...HOLY HELL... Guys can make you do some absolutely CRAZY things that you never in your life thought you would be caught dead doing. And believe it or not, sometimes things can be really good. This person has done some pretty horrible things to me. I can't say that i've ever done anything that could equal even half of what he's done. But, being me, I have the tendency to give people the benefit of the doubt. "He could be telling the truth. Everyone else could be trying to screw things up." Yes, I have definitely caught him in some MAJOR lies. He knows this. But the only way to get over them is to either break it off, or tell him that he was wrong, let him know that i'm mad at him, and move on. And since I love the kid, I choose the latter.
How many times have I heard any one of my best friends give me multiple great reasons why I should stay more than a hundred feet away from this kid at all times?? Yep, and you guys are right every time. But then again, I have my own reasons that tell me that this kid is at a point in his life where he knows what he wants but has a shitty time getting there. I do believe that he knows what he has. He has a girlfriend that has done anything for him anytime he needed it. Someone who can show him that there really is more to life than getting loaded and trying to fight everyone in the room. And I honestly do see little changes here and there. But it seems like every time I say that, he does something really lame. Everything will be going pretty great for a while, and then somehow it goes back to square one.
For a while I was always the one to just pretend like nothing ever happened and act like everything was fine, but I really don't do that anymore. I have no problem now saying, "listen, I'm pissed and this is why.... And you can't pull shit like this anymore." That seems like it's been effective so far. Things have actually been a lot better lately, and it seems like this could almost be too little too late, because it hasn't even affected me. I've been taking matters into my own hands and it seems like now I'm the one screwing everything up.
I'm being pretty lame myself. I've been working a lot, which I definitely can't help but it sucks. After work I pretty much hang out with Jess and Kristen. I don't want to ditch them because they really are my best friends and they're both really really good friends to me. They actually treat me how you're supposed to treat a best friend. There's usually nothing going on so we'll go out to eat or go sit at someone's house and I don't want to be like "ok i'm gonna go hang out with my boyfriend now, see you guys later!" because I feel like i'm torn between them. Of course they would rather go hang out somewhere else and not with just me and the boyfriend. But of course I love hanging out with my two best friends, and CHICKS OVER DICKS, so I pick them. But there's no happy medium here. I really am stuck. In pretty much every situation that arises, I have to pick one or the other, for how sad that is.
I really honestly believe that he has a good heart. There have been some times where he's been a complete ass to me for no reason. There have been a few times where i've blown him off and been a bitch to him for no reason. But when and where it matters, he does treat me with respect and he has shown me that he cares about me. He makes me laugh. We have a lot in common and he's easy to talk to. I think he listens to what I have to say, and I like hearing his point of view on things. He always has an interesting story to tell. I feel like giving everything up, even though it has been shitty sometimes, is like quitting. Quitting to me is losing, and I don't want to lose.
I just want to go back to when boys had cooties and you had to ask your mom if you could play.
So.......to my "mom's"........... Can we play????
Having a cell phone is even gayer.
Having no one to call is gay times 3.
No, let me re-phrase that. I am gay times 3 because I do have people to call. I have some really good friends. And I have a boyfriend who probably would like to hear from me once in a while. But I suck. I don't feel like I do anything right. Sure, things would be a little easier if I let it go for good. In some ways. But let's try to look at it from Jenni's point of view. Just once. It's not all uphill from there, I can promise you that. Which is why I am the way I am.
If you know me well enough, you also know that I will pretty much do anything you ask me to. I'd probably fluff your pillow and read you a bedtime story if you really wanted me to. What I'm getting at is that I let people walk ALL OVER ME. It takes a WHOLE lot for me to get mad at someone. You have to do something pretty drastic for me to actually get mad at you. Because I do realize that people make mistakes. I make lots of them myself. I forgive stupid little things and you'd probably never know that it even bothered me in the first place. Maybe that's the starting point of where I go wrong.
It's hard for me to speak my mind and tell you how I feel. I don't cry. I've probably cried three times in the past year. And two times were because someone passed away. I don't "blow up." If i ever yell at you, you've really REALLY hurt my feelings. And I'll probably call you and apologize for yelling at you because even though i've heard a million times that it will make you feel better to go off on someone and make them see how they hurt you, nope, it doesn't work that way for me. I get off the phone and think, "oh my god I'm such a horrible person, I'm gonna end up having no friends, GOD I'm such a bitch....... I should probably go crawl into a hole and never come out."
In a nutshell, I can't stand the thought of hurting someone's feelings, if I care about that person in the slightest, so i'll let you treat me however the hell you want to. That's no one's fault but my own, and I do realize it. I've also come to the conclusion that there's not much I can do about it because i have to do it for myself and I am an extremely weak person in ways and have no strength to change.
When it comes to relationships, i've been in a total of ONE that has been long-term, or serious, whatever you want to call it. I've definitely learned a lot of things about people in general just from being in a relationship. I've learned that ...HOLY HELL... Guys can make you do some absolutely CRAZY things that you never in your life thought you would be caught dead doing. And believe it or not, sometimes things can be really good. This person has done some pretty horrible things to me. I can't say that i've ever done anything that could equal even half of what he's done. But, being me, I have the tendency to give people the benefit of the doubt. "He could be telling the truth. Everyone else could be trying to screw things up." Yes, I have definitely caught him in some MAJOR lies. He knows this. But the only way to get over them is to either break it off, or tell him that he was wrong, let him know that i'm mad at him, and move on. And since I love the kid, I choose the latter.
How many times have I heard any one of my best friends give me multiple great reasons why I should stay more than a hundred feet away from this kid at all times?? Yep, and you guys are right every time. But then again, I have my own reasons that tell me that this kid is at a point in his life where he knows what he wants but has a shitty time getting there. I do believe that he knows what he has. He has a girlfriend that has done anything for him anytime he needed it. Someone who can show him that there really is more to life than getting loaded and trying to fight everyone in the room. And I honestly do see little changes here and there. But it seems like every time I say that, he does something really lame. Everything will be going pretty great for a while, and then somehow it goes back to square one.
For a while I was always the one to just pretend like nothing ever happened and act like everything was fine, but I really don't do that anymore. I have no problem now saying, "listen, I'm pissed and this is why.... And you can't pull shit like this anymore." That seems like it's been effective so far. Things have actually been a lot better lately, and it seems like this could almost be too little too late, because it hasn't even affected me. I've been taking matters into my own hands and it seems like now I'm the one screwing everything up.
I'm being pretty lame myself. I've been working a lot, which I definitely can't help but it sucks. After work I pretty much hang out with Jess and Kristen. I don't want to ditch them because they really are my best friends and they're both really really good friends to me. They actually treat me how you're supposed to treat a best friend. There's usually nothing going on so we'll go out to eat or go sit at someone's house and I don't want to be like "ok i'm gonna go hang out with my boyfriend now, see you guys later!" because I feel like i'm torn between them. Of course they would rather go hang out somewhere else and not with just me and the boyfriend. But of course I love hanging out with my two best friends, and CHICKS OVER DICKS, so I pick them. But there's no happy medium here. I really am stuck. In pretty much every situation that arises, I have to pick one or the other, for how sad that is.
I really honestly believe that he has a good heart. There have been some times where he's been a complete ass to me for no reason. There have been a few times where i've blown him off and been a bitch to him for no reason. But when and where it matters, he does treat me with respect and he has shown me that he cares about me. He makes me laugh. We have a lot in common and he's easy to talk to. I think he listens to what I have to say, and I like hearing his point of view on things. He always has an interesting story to tell. I feel like giving everything up, even though it has been shitty sometimes, is like quitting. Quitting to me is losing, and I don't want to lose.
I just want to go back to when boys had cooties and you had to ask your mom if you could play.
So.......to my "mom's"........... Can we play????