Here we go again....
So Steve and I had yet another fight. Lastnight, it was a doozy.
First, about our evening:
It was his younger brother's birthday, so we all headed to his mother's house for dinner. Now for some reason, we never eat until well after 7pm when we're there. Maya is usually asleep at 7 o'clock. So when we're eating, she's already eaten and then she's little miss cranky pants. So then I'm having to deal with that.
Before any of this happens, though, MIL insists on giving Maya cookies and whip cream before dinner. Apparently the whip cream is sugar free... doesn't mean it's not sweet! So that's annoying. The whole time I'm over there, I'm having to deal with her trying to give Maya things that I don't want her to eat. I don't know why no one understands why this is important. Even Arrowroot cookies have sugar in them... not that I'm not willing to give her any sugar, but there is such a thing as too much. I have tried so hard to have healthy eating habits and to have a healthy child, but when all she gets are crackers, cookies, and juice at MIL's house, it becomes a little difficult. MIL thinks it's her right to spoil Maya and give her whatever she wants, even if it is dessert before dinner. And most of the time here, dessert usually means fresh fruit, not cookies and whip cream. And I'm not just talking Animal Crackers as cookies that she gives her, I'm talking chocolate chip!!!
So having to deal with that all night, I was a little snarky.
On our way home, Steve decided to inform me that she was taking this useless piece of shit exercise equipment from his mom. I can't even describe it to you... it's like a stationery bike, but the pedals are side by side so you push them with both feet at the same time. And when that happens, then the handle bars pull in. This was something that was fabricated in, oh, I don't know, 1985?!?!?! So Steve has decided that this is going to help him get into shape somehow. Whatever. I just don't want it in my house, not even in my garage. I think what bothered me most was that he didn't even consult me on it, he just agreed to it. Like the ugly brown chair that now sits in the garage that he found on a roadside when he was 18. His mother has had it for the last few years, and he volunteered to take it back. It's the ugliest thing I've ever seen... I'd probably let it go if it was super comfortable, but it isn't.
Anyhow, that's two things that he hasn't consulted me on.
And then the arguing started... if it was up to him (he says), we wouldn't have half the stuff that we would in our house. Well, frankly, me too. Everything in our house has either been handed down, or we totally cheaped out because we could afford the nicer version. I would rather have none of this. But what can you do, we need to have something.
And then it turned into how I can't go to any more of his family gatherings because I'm such a snot when I'm there and I'm always snitty with him when we're there. Everyone (he says) is uncomfortable around me. And then he says that everyone can feel the sharp looks that I give him when it's 7:30 and we still haven't left. Well sometimes the sharp looks are for other things than just leaving, but yes, the quicker we get out of there, the better.
But then I started thinking this morning... no wonder I'm snitty when I'm there. I have to deal with his mother giving my child junk food, his grandmother giving her fresh out of the oven meatballs on a toothpick (ever so safe!), and him not doing a single thing about it. He just sits there... and it's not fair that I'm the one constantly taking stuff away from Maya. It's his family, he should really say something to them. But he doesn't so I get my back up all in a twist.
I also decided that I don't take criticism well. I never have, never will. And I don't like unsolicited advice, and I only like help when I ask for it. So when MIL is sitting here telling me how good my baby is and she doesn't know why I complain... well, there goes the twisting back again. No wonder I'm so snitty.
But then he says to me... "and you wonder why you have no friends... look at you". Yeah, that's great. If he feels that strongly, then why is he still here. People don't want to be my friend, so why would he want to be my husband??
So when he said that I couldn't go to family gatherings anymore, I said great. I would give my left arm if I never had to see his mother again.
And he said that he'll never go see my parents. You know, that's great. At least at my parents house, I get us in and out of there, quickly because I know that he's uncomfortable there. And if my parents are out of line, I will say something to them. When his mom is doing something I don't like he doesn't say anything to her!
Growl.
Anyway, I'm in that bad place again. I'm in the place where I have to remember why it is that I love him. I was thinking back to when we first met. I knew that he would be a good father, which he is, and that he would make me feel secure, which he does. But is that enough???
When I get back to work I'm going to seek counselling. If he decides to come, then great, but if I have to go it alone, then so be it.
I'm just so tired. I'm tired of being bitchy, of crying, of putting myself last, always.
First, about our evening:
It was his younger brother's birthday, so we all headed to his mother's house for dinner. Now for some reason, we never eat until well after 7pm when we're there. Maya is usually asleep at 7 o'clock. So when we're eating, she's already eaten and then she's little miss cranky pants. So then I'm having to deal with that.
Before any of this happens, though, MIL insists on giving Maya cookies and whip cream before dinner. Apparently the whip cream is sugar free... doesn't mean it's not sweet! So that's annoying. The whole time I'm over there, I'm having to deal with her trying to give Maya things that I don't want her to eat. I don't know why no one understands why this is important. Even Arrowroot cookies have sugar in them... not that I'm not willing to give her any sugar, but there is such a thing as too much. I have tried so hard to have healthy eating habits and to have a healthy child, but when all she gets are crackers, cookies, and juice at MIL's house, it becomes a little difficult. MIL thinks it's her right to spoil Maya and give her whatever she wants, even if it is dessert before dinner. And most of the time here, dessert usually means fresh fruit, not cookies and whip cream. And I'm not just talking Animal Crackers as cookies that she gives her, I'm talking chocolate chip!!!
So having to deal with that all night, I was a little snarky.
On our way home, Steve decided to inform me that she was taking this useless piece of shit exercise equipment from his mom. I can't even describe it to you... it's like a stationery bike, but the pedals are side by side so you push them with both feet at the same time. And when that happens, then the handle bars pull in. This was something that was fabricated in, oh, I don't know, 1985?!?!?! So Steve has decided that this is going to help him get into shape somehow. Whatever. I just don't want it in my house, not even in my garage. I think what bothered me most was that he didn't even consult me on it, he just agreed to it. Like the ugly brown chair that now sits in the garage that he found on a roadside when he was 18. His mother has had it for the last few years, and he volunteered to take it back. It's the ugliest thing I've ever seen... I'd probably let it go if it was super comfortable, but it isn't.
Anyhow, that's two things that he hasn't consulted me on.
And then the arguing started... if it was up to him (he says), we wouldn't have half the stuff that we would in our house. Well, frankly, me too. Everything in our house has either been handed down, or we totally cheaped out because we could afford the nicer version. I would rather have none of this. But what can you do, we need to have something.
And then it turned into how I can't go to any more of his family gatherings because I'm such a snot when I'm there and I'm always snitty with him when we're there. Everyone (he says) is uncomfortable around me. And then he says that everyone can feel the sharp looks that I give him when it's 7:30 and we still haven't left. Well sometimes the sharp looks are for other things than just leaving, but yes, the quicker we get out of there, the better.
But then I started thinking this morning... no wonder I'm snitty when I'm there. I have to deal with his mother giving my child junk food, his grandmother giving her fresh out of the oven meatballs on a toothpick (ever so safe!), and him not doing a single thing about it. He just sits there... and it's not fair that I'm the one constantly taking stuff away from Maya. It's his family, he should really say something to them. But he doesn't so I get my back up all in a twist.
I also decided that I don't take criticism well. I never have, never will. And I don't like unsolicited advice, and I only like help when I ask for it. So when MIL is sitting here telling me how good my baby is and she doesn't know why I complain... well, there goes the twisting back again. No wonder I'm so snitty.
But then he says to me... "and you wonder why you have no friends... look at you". Yeah, that's great. If he feels that strongly, then why is he still here. People don't want to be my friend, so why would he want to be my husband??
So when he said that I couldn't go to family gatherings anymore, I said great. I would give my left arm if I never had to see his mother again.
And he said that he'll never go see my parents. You know, that's great. At least at my parents house, I get us in and out of there, quickly because I know that he's uncomfortable there. And if my parents are out of line, I will say something to them. When his mom is doing something I don't like he doesn't say anything to her!
Growl.
Anyway, I'm in that bad place again. I'm in the place where I have to remember why it is that I love him. I was thinking back to when we first met. I knew that he would be a good father, which he is, and that he would make me feel secure, which he does. But is that enough???
When I get back to work I'm going to seek counselling. If he decides to come, then great, but if I have to go it alone, then so be it.
I'm just so tired. I'm tired of being bitchy, of crying, of putting myself last, always.