what am i gonna do with myself...
Some how I always end up fucking things up. When ever something good or someone good comes into my life I always find a way to ruin it. In trying to be honest i always seem to end up stepping on toes. It kills me to know that I am hurting someone I care very much for. I would do almost anything for this person. I wish I could take back so many things. I even wish right now that we werent friends so that way i wouldnt continute to hurt him. I guess i have this thing where i always turn it around to make myself seem like the victim. He made that clear to me tonight. And hes right. I dont know how or why i do it. I guess I just feel so guilty. So I derserve to feel bad. I deserve to have a shitty night / week. Maybe it will help me to learn to keep my mouth shut. But what I dont get is how am i suppose to be honest wtih out huritng ppl. I keep everything inside and everyone knows it. When i do let people know whats on my mind or what im keeping it always ends bad. So it just makes me want to hold everything in even more. Sorry is over rated. It doesnt work. I say it and I know he doesnt care to hear it. I really got him mad at me and upset with me. I really dont know what to do to fix it or to make it better which is really hard. I am the person who fixes everything. I have to have things in order. This is something that needs a lot of fixing but I dont think there is anything i can do. But I am honestly with the bottom of my heart sorry for saying what I did. I just want things to be back the way they were. Before all of the drama or messed up stuff.