(no subject)
it's been one of those days that the tears just want to fall and i just hide in my room with my animals.
everyone thought conor and i were so great together, but why? because of me. because i hide unhappiness and give everything i have in a relationship. today i couldn't stop thinking about all the things i used to do for him/us. i was the one who cleaned, did laundry and took care of the animals. i would surprise him with presents all the time. i threw him a surprise birthday party that he loved. my vacations were spent up north, camping, fishing. i took him to concerts he wanted to go to for his birthday. when i was working a ton, i bought him the new video game he wanted so he had something to do when i wasn't there. when he worked afternoons and i worked days, i got a little dry erase board to leave messages for him since we wouldn't see each other much. i would wake up 4 hours after i got home from work and got to sleep just so i could say hi and ask how he was. i would sleep with my head on his lap on the couch just to be by him while he played video games for hours. i learned how to play texas hold'em. when it came to sex, i conformed to what he wanted, what i wanted never seemed to matter.
for me, he went grocery shopping, gave me money when i needed it and occasionally cooked. he got me a book once that was a great surprise. i got flowers as a birthday present after 4 years because i asked for them instead of anything else...no other time. he went on vacation without me. he refused to go just about anywhere with me if my friends were going to be there...not even because he didn't like them...he just didn't want to go and wouldn't, no matter if it was important to me or not. i was his designated driver for his best friends wedding, and didn't complain once when we stayed out until 4am, even though I had to be at work at 10am. i put up with the melanie fiasco. when i hurt my back, he went to the store at 2am to get me some nsaids until my doctor's office opened. any other time i was sick, i was told i was lazy...even when i was coughing so hard i vomited, or when i had a fever of 102.5. but when he came down with the same illnesses, i had him stay home and sleep, and i made sure he had medicine. he would make me whatever drink i wanted for my birthday, but this year he refused to pick me up from the bar on my birthday when i drank too much, told me i was the laziest person he has ever met, its my fault i get sick, my fault my car breaks, etc. i picked him up when he was too drunk to drive. i drove to his family get together in buffalo while sick twice because he wanted me to go.
and yet he was unhappy. he was laid off and sitting on his ass. i was working full time, going to school and trying to make things better at home. but i was the lazy one.
over 5 years of that...and now i have to remember what i like to do. i think i've read over 10 books, got a dog, got a friend with benefits that likes to be silly and have fun. and today i keep crying because i think, "what the fuck was i doing?" why didn't i open my eyes? yet again sticking around in a relationship that doesn't make me happy. i like to think i will learn from this one finally, since i clearly missed the message the bajillion times before.
and yet, most days i'm happy. i have my friends, i love my job, my creatures keep me entertained. i want a silly partner that encourages my quirks and wants to do more than just sleep with me. the only truly romantic thing anyone has ever done for me was my best guy friend john on my 17th birthday, cut school to put flowers in my car, so when i got out of school i would find them on the drivers seat. why has no one in the 12 years since then done anything close to that? i need to find the person i inspire to do things like that.
i still don't like sleeping alone, and i stay on one side of the bed. i can only be strong for so long. some days you just gotta let it out and cry...guess that's today for me.
everyone thought conor and i were so great together, but why? because of me. because i hide unhappiness and give everything i have in a relationship. today i couldn't stop thinking about all the things i used to do for him/us. i was the one who cleaned, did laundry and took care of the animals. i would surprise him with presents all the time. i threw him a surprise birthday party that he loved. my vacations were spent up north, camping, fishing. i took him to concerts he wanted to go to for his birthday. when i was working a ton, i bought him the new video game he wanted so he had something to do when i wasn't there. when he worked afternoons and i worked days, i got a little dry erase board to leave messages for him since we wouldn't see each other much. i would wake up 4 hours after i got home from work and got to sleep just so i could say hi and ask how he was. i would sleep with my head on his lap on the couch just to be by him while he played video games for hours. i learned how to play texas hold'em. when it came to sex, i conformed to what he wanted, what i wanted never seemed to matter.
for me, he went grocery shopping, gave me money when i needed it and occasionally cooked. he got me a book once that was a great surprise. i got flowers as a birthday present after 4 years because i asked for them instead of anything else...no other time. he went on vacation without me. he refused to go just about anywhere with me if my friends were going to be there...not even because he didn't like them...he just didn't want to go and wouldn't, no matter if it was important to me or not. i was his designated driver for his best friends wedding, and didn't complain once when we stayed out until 4am, even though I had to be at work at 10am. i put up with the melanie fiasco. when i hurt my back, he went to the store at 2am to get me some nsaids until my doctor's office opened. any other time i was sick, i was told i was lazy...even when i was coughing so hard i vomited, or when i had a fever of 102.5. but when he came down with the same illnesses, i had him stay home and sleep, and i made sure he had medicine. he would make me whatever drink i wanted for my birthday, but this year he refused to pick me up from the bar on my birthday when i drank too much, told me i was the laziest person he has ever met, its my fault i get sick, my fault my car breaks, etc. i picked him up when he was too drunk to drive. i drove to his family get together in buffalo while sick twice because he wanted me to go.
and yet he was unhappy. he was laid off and sitting on his ass. i was working full time, going to school and trying to make things better at home. but i was the lazy one.
over 5 years of that...and now i have to remember what i like to do. i think i've read over 10 books, got a dog, got a friend with benefits that likes to be silly and have fun. and today i keep crying because i think, "what the fuck was i doing?" why didn't i open my eyes? yet again sticking around in a relationship that doesn't make me happy. i like to think i will learn from this one finally, since i clearly missed the message the bajillion times before.
and yet, most days i'm happy. i have my friends, i love my job, my creatures keep me entertained. i want a silly partner that encourages my quirks and wants to do more than just sleep with me. the only truly romantic thing anyone has ever done for me was my best guy friend john on my 17th birthday, cut school to put flowers in my car, so when i got out of school i would find them on the drivers seat. why has no one in the 12 years since then done anything close to that? i need to find the person i inspire to do things like that.
i still don't like sleeping alone, and i stay on one side of the bed. i can only be strong for so long. some days you just gotta let it out and cry...guess that's today for me.