That's Why You Close Your Eyes: Chapter Five
Title: That's Why You Close Your Eyes
Author: Lilbatfacedgirl
Beta: juliench1
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Spock/Kirk/McCoy
Warnings: Coercion, angst, three-way sexual situations
A/N: This is the chapter that just wouldn't get written. I just want to encourage everyone whose been reading this all along to remember that this chapter is told from McCoy's limited point of view.
Summary: Jim and Bones 2gether 4ever, til Spock gets in the way
Chapter Five
It was cold again; the kind of damp, penetrating chill that crept through your clothes and burrowed into your joints. A thick, cloying fog had rolled in off the bay, shrouding the city in a moist, oppressive blanket. Wispy white tendrils curled around the legs of one Leonard McCoy, navigating his way home from Starfleet Medical, but he barely took note. His mind was too busy dissecting his troubling encounter from the night before.
They were back, in the city and on the campus for the next two to three months. He had known they were coming, had seen the news and heard the buzz in the halls of Starfleet, but he had believed, incorrectly it seemed, that they would respect his boundaries and keep their distance. He should have known better. Jim was Jim and anything worth doing was worth overdoing, which was how he had found himself playing unwilling damsel in distress to their knights in shining armor. They’d even swept him off his feet, for God’s sake!
“Hell,” he thought as he tripped down the damp walkway. As much as he might hate it, he couldn’t deny that a part of him had taken tremendous relief in the visual, tactile confirmation that they were alive and unharmed. Klingons firefights were never pretty but the Enterprise had been outnumbered and had sustained large-scale damage. Sure, Len had seen the news reports, had read the Starfleet memos from M’Benga. He had known that they were unhurt, but all the words in the world hadn’t been worth the actual sight of them; hale, healthy, and in one piece back on Earth.
Seeing had been enough, though, or at least it would have to be. If he had some strange, nagging desire to seek them out, to talk to them, touch them, take a scanner to every damn inch of them, well, he’d just have to suppress the hell out of it. Jim had nearly broken him. Spock had threatened his life. Whatever motivation might be driving him to reach out to them now was unhealthy and just plain stupid, and he didn’t need it, especially in his current condition.
Coming to a halt at the entrance to his building, Len entered the code and slid through the door. The lobby lights pierced his eyes like a thousand tiny knives, sending rivulets of pain through his skull and down his spine. Fuck, fuck, godDAMMIT! He was past the point where self-delusion was even a possibility. The pain was growing worse every day. He had strained himself to the brink trying to compensate, trying to make sure that his inexplicable health crisis hadn’t affected the research but he had finally hit the wall, and even he wasn’t stubborn enough to risk the lives of patients just to prove his own tenacity.
Groaning heavily, Len sank down on the steps and rested his throbbing head in his hands. There just wasn’t any choice. He’d have to take himself off the project until he healed. Or died. Right now, he didn’t know which he’d prefer. It would be alright, others would pick up his work. Except, of course, everyone else seemed completely convinced that Tor’s direction was the right one. In fact, the majority of the group had been treating Len like an exasperating mutineer for the last two weeks. But he couldn’t give it up. He knew he was on the right track, and if his colleagues chose not to pursue his theory, they’d lose valuable weeks that could cost millions of lives.
Dammit, he couldn’t leave the project. Gripping his fists in steely determination, he jumped to his feet. The floor rocked, tilting out from under him, and he found himself sprawled across the cold marble tile of the entryway.
Shit.
His wrist and ass ached from the impact and his eyes blurred from the shooting agony in his brain. It was no use. He couldn’t even see straight half the time. How was he supposed to study microbes when he couldn’t even focus on what was right before his eyes?
Pushing himself up, he managed the staircase and made his way to his apartment. He’d make the announcement tomorrow. Then his promising research would fall by the wayside. And Vulcan would perish. And he would have failed…again.
The thumb pad seemed blurry, another side-effect of his monster headache, and he found himself staring blankly for several moments before he let his head fall forward and rest against the door. He couldn’t imagine what the neighbors would think if they saw him, but he just couldn’t seem to muster the strength to work the lock. The cool of the smooth metal was comforting against his brow, the darkness behind his eyelids soothing, and he relaxed as the horrible, sickening pain began to slip into the background. Amazing how a little thing like a metal door could have such a therapeutic effect.
Wait.
Dimly, in the back of his mind, alarm bells began to ring, and he slowly forced his eyes open. The light in the hallway was suddenly more bearable, the pain still constant but manageable, and a knot began to form in the pit of his stomach. The shooting agony in his head had been his constant companion for months, never dissipating, never letting up until last night, when he had inexplicably found himself wrapped in the arms of his arch rival with his ex-boyfriend staring into his eyes. Somehow, somehow, they’d made the pain go away. And now it was fading again, which could only mean…
Straightening his spine, Leonard spun slowly, eyes wide and trained for possible danger as he scanned the hallway around him. A complete about face left him facing the stairwell, and sure enough, there was one James T. Kirk, staring carefully up at him from the landing with haunted, plaintive eyes and a small voice.
“Hey.” He mouthed hesitantly.
Len froze. A mindless, shameful sense of joy swelled within him as he drunk in the sight of Jim in old jeans and a t-shirt, stripped of his Starfleet regalia and looking every inch the recalcitrant roughneck who had stolen Len’s heart. Well, no, not quite. The swagger, the calm assurance that he associated with Jim was absent, overlaid by a defeated hesitancy Len recognized from his own painful past. Shame. Jim felt ashamed. And the realization caused something inside of Len to clench. A part of him, and it horrified him to realize just how big the part was, wanted to walk down those stairs, to touch, to taste, and to hell with their issues because if Jim held him, pulled him into his arms, whispered in his ear, then the pain would go away.
NO! Hell, no. He’d been proven a fool but damned if he would do it twice over. In fact, he had to get Jim away from here, now, before that pointy-eared bastard found out, for as much as it burned him to admit it, the Vulcan scared him. He’d felt Spock’s fury and tasted the depths of his feelings for Jim, and he wouldn’t risk that wrath again. And then, of course, there were the Vulcan’s sudden, unsolicited acts of tenderness towards him, which only served to terrify Leonard more. He just couldn’t get a handle on their game plan and it was disorienting as hell.
Well, he’d be damned if they were going to bring it into his home. This was his place, his sanctuary, and they were not going to take that away. Pinning Jim with a scathing glare, he snapped, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Jim’s half-hearted attempt at a smile fell flat as his eyes drifted to the floor. “Your neighbor recognized me from the news. She let me in.”
Len fought the temptation to roll his eyes. His neighbor. Of course. All Jim ever had to do was bat those baby blues and hand out a little of that Kirk charm. He’d fallen for it himself, and look where it had landed him.
Dammit, he just couldn’t handle this, not today of all days. Fighting to keep his voice steady, he stared down the steps. “Jim, I want you to leave. There is nothing for us to say and I’ve got too much goddamn shit on my mind. So please, just please get the hell out.”
Jim took a step towards him and Len unconsciously fell into a retreat, pressing into the hallway wall. Tension and a stab of hurt flashed in Jim’s eyes, but he immediately stopped moving, his hands raised in surrender as he stilled on the stairs. “You look so tired, Bones.” He said, the genuine concern in his voice gauging at Len’s fragile resistance. “You’ve been burning the candle at both ends, haven’t you? Working on this cure at your own expense? Is it worth it, at least? Are you making any progress?”
Perhaps it was the pain, the exhaustion, or the rampant vulnerability he felt in the face of James T. Kirk but Leonard couldn’t control the words that tumbled unrestrained from his mouth. “Worth it?” he asked with a hysterical giggle. “Hell, Jim, I’m probably blowing the whole damn thing. No one will listen to me and I’m too sick to complete my own work. I’m utterly useless right now.”
Staring at the floor, he snorted derisively, “And you know what, it doesn’t even matter. After all, with my track record, I’ll probably find the cure about a month after the last Vulcan dies. But don’t worry.” He muttered as he shot his former lover a dark look, “If I recover, I promise I’ll jump right back into saving your boyfriend.”
Jim paused in his pursuit and closed his eyes as Len halted his retreat and stared at him. Taking a deep breath, Jim finally looked up, accepting Len’s bitter glare. “I deserve that, like I deserve almost everything else you want to say to me. And I’m not going to lie and say it has nothing to do with Spock. But it’s also about you, Bones. You’re a good man and an excellent doctor but you won’t believe that. You need to save them, as much for yourself as for them.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
Jim pressed his lips into a determined line. “I know what happened between you and Spock in sickbay.”
Len’s expression turned outraged but Jim rushed right through it. “Look, I betrayed you, in the worst way possible. I know that and I am so sorry that I don’t even have the words. I’m willing to do anything in the world to get you to forgive me but first I need to explain to you why it happened. I’m not going to offer you excuses, because there aren’t any. It’s just a reason, but I need you to hear it. Please, Bones, please, I just need you to listen…okay?” His voice cut off but his eyes continued to plead.
Indecision weighed heavily on Leonard. Slamming the door in Jim’s face might give him some petty satisfaction, but it wouldn’t give him answers. He needed to understand why, why, the man on whom he had taken his last real chance had thrown him away. His lips twisted bitterly as he caved to his own masochistic curiosity and said, “Alright, but you have to promise me that if I listen to you then you’ll leave when I tell you to. And you won’t come back.”
From the landing, Len heard a sharp exhalation of breath. “I can’t make that promise, Bones. I’m sorry but the situation is…complicated. And we shouldn’t discuss it out here where anyone could hear it. Please, just let me in for a few minutes. Everything will make a lot more sense.” The blue eyes staring up at him were honest but bore the faintest trace of careful calculation. “It also has to do with your health problems.”
Len glared. Dammit, the sneaky bastard still knew how to bait a hook. Turning around, he slapped the thumb pad and stalked through the sliding doors. “Come on, then.” He threw over his shoulder as Jim bounded up the stairs and followed him into his loft.
The apartment was open-floored, bare and sparsely furnished, but the view of the city through the huge bay window was lovely, and Jim stared at it appreciatively. “Nice place,” he mouthed quietly as Len dropped his things.
The glare Len shot him was fierce. “Get on with it.”
Shoulders sagging, Jim nodded. “I’ll try to keep this simple. You know I melded with the ambassador, right. Well, he and Spock also had a conversation, later on, when we got back to Earth.” He paused for a moment, his voice hitching slightly with nervous determination. “See, Bones, the ambassador told Spock that we would have a unique relationship, one that would make us stronger and help define us. But when we started spending time together, we realized that it wasn’t just a friendship. We had been lovers in the old guy’s time and we finally realized that we were supposed to be lovers here, too.”
The small breath Len had been holding escaped loudly as his eyes glazed with angry pain. “Well, that’s just fucking great, Jim.” He spit out, spinning away from his ex-lover to stalk into his kitchen. “Why the hell are you telling me this? What do you want, my fucking blessing or something?”
“No, Bones, please,” Jim stumbled, his voice tinged with desperation. “I fell in love with him, okay, we fell in love with each other, but even after it happened, even after I loved him so much it hurt, I just couldn’t let you go. And I know I was a fucking coward and you got hurt because of it but there’s a reason why. See, I loved you both and even though I thought I couldn’t have you both, I just couldn’t make myself choose between you. It was like there was something inside of me, fighting to keep you both.”
Taking several careful steps, Jim leaned against the counter and captured Len’s glare with earnest eyes. “But, Bones, I was right. Spock ended up talking to the ambassador again and he told him that it wasn’t just the two of us that were lovers. All three of us were together, you, me, and him. We were even married.”
“Jim?”
“Yeah?”
“What the fuck are you saying to me?” The look on Len’s face was a disconcerting blend of frightened realization and fury.
Girding his determination, Jim pinned Len with an unflappable stare. “Bones, please? Don’t bullshit me now. You believe me, I know you do. You know I’m telling you the truth. Don’t You?”
Turning away, Leonard rolled this unwelcome information over in his mind. Lovers, married, three...true….yes, true, he knew it was true…but how did he…know…
“How do I know?”
“Know?”
“Yes, that it’s true. I know that it’s true. Why do I know that it’s true?”
Jim took a deep breath and gripped the counter. “Okay, Bones, I need you to listen to me and try to stay calm. You and Spock got really emotional in Sickbay, right, and he put his hands on you?” Jim seemed to be searching his face for confirmation but at that memory, Len sharply averted his gaze. “The ambassador also explained to Spock that the three of us have uniquely compatible minds, which is why this could happen in the first place. See, when he touched you, he accidentally initiated…”
“A meld?”
“Yeah? You knew?”
Len nodded, his eyes furious. “We didn’t move our lips. We spoke but we weren’t moving our lips.” His voice trailed off as realization crashed down on him. “Jim, dammit, Jim, he jumped into my head. He’s the reason my mind is all messed up. What the hell did he do?”
Jim exhaled. “He bonded with you, Bones.”
For a moment, Leonard only nodded, his face composed and unaffected, and Jim took two hesitant, hopeful steps forward before an eruption of volcanic proportions exploded out of the country doctor.
“Bonded? Like a Vulcan bond? Like a fucking Vulcan MATING bond? Are you kidding me?” Backpedaling furiously, Len stumbled against the counter, clinging to the edge for dear life. “Dammit, what do I need to do? We’d have to get a Vulcan healer to fix it.”
Jim stepped towards him cautiously. “Bones, even if we could find a Vulcan healer healthy enough to help, it wouldn’t matter. The bond is too established. It’s also unresolved, which is what’s causing all your pain.” Stepping closer, Jim placed a tentative hand on Len’s shoulder. “We don’t have a choice here. We have to fix it.”
“Unresolved?” Len blinked, shrugging Jim off. “Wait, you’re saying…Are you saying you want me to marry Spock?”
“Sort of. See, Spock and I bonded, too…God, how do I explain this?” Jim shook his head. “Bones, I love you. I love you so much it hurts. And I love him, too. This is about us bonding, together, all three of us.”
“You’re out of your damned mind! I’m not bonding with anyone, especially not that green-blooded asshole. Are you crazy?” Tearing his eyes away, Len sagged against the cabinet, his face terrified and vulnerable. “Jim,” he pleaded, his voice barely more than a whisper, “I can’t. Please… we don’t want each other…we’ll hurt each other!”
Jim closed his eyes, pain and regret leaching off of him. “Bones,” he said gently, “there’s no choice here. We can’t break the bond. And you’re wrong. I want you more than anything. As for Spock, he was ready to give me up for you, and that’s the honest truth.”
“Dammit, Jim, you need to go, now, before he realizes you’re here and comes looking for you.”
Jim kept his hands raised in a gesture of non-aggression but continued to walk forward slowly. “Spock knows I’m here.”
The color drained out of Leonard’s face as his head shot up. “How do you know that?”
Holding his hands out slowly, Jim reached for Len’s shoulders again, a placating expression on his face. “Bones, please don’t freak out. I know you don’t want either or us near you but there just isn’t a choice. I can’t just stand by and watch you hurt.” Looking over his shoulder, Jim glanced at the closed apartment door. “I know he knows because he’s here with me. He’s waiting right outside.”
For a moment, Len froze, his body seizing and his mind an empty blank. Then snippets and sensations of Sickbay, of helplessness and fear, inundated his mind, and inaction melted under the adrenaline fueled heat of pure panic. Pushing Jim away, he backpedaled furiously, retreating into the kitchen and placing the small counter between him and the door. “Don’t you dare let him come in here…Jim…I mean it!”
Jim closed his eyes. “Bones,” he whispered. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry but he has to.”
Len opened his mouth to protest but his voice was cut off by the low swoosh of his apartment door retracting into the walls. A wave of nausea hit him as Spock stepped inside his home, letting the door slide shut behind him. The Vulcan’s eyes, dark and strangely tender, fell on Len immediately and though he made no move to come closer, the fathomless gaze spanned the distance to wrap the human in an ink-black net.
“Doctor.” He murmured quietly with a graceful nod of his head.
Forcing himself to meet Spock’s stare, Len loaded his gaze with pure fury. They were there; they were both there again, with their falsely comforting presence and sweet, fake promises. Well, the hell with that. He’d rather be ignorant and in pain than informed and indebted. More than anything, though, he wanted to get the hell away. Pressing himself defensively against the counter, he eyed the two figures standing between him and the only door. They were watching him warily, but Len wasn’t buying that for a second. If there was one thing these two excelled at, it was causing him pain and he wasn’t going to lay there like a sacrificial lamb. He had to get out.
Without warning, he bolted left towards the front door but Jim was ready, stepping in front of him and blocking his escape. Desperate and caged, Len swung a wild left hook that Jim managed to evade by inches. The second swing was luckier, catching Jim in the ribs and knocking him to his knees. Leonard’s escape route was cleared but his own basic instincts tripped him up as the doctor in him glanced down to access Jim’s injuries. It was a moment’s hesitation but all that was necessary as a warm hand suddenly grasped his shoulder and a deep, gentle voice filled his mind.
“Nam-tor hayal”
And everything was dark.
Part Two
Author: Lilbatfacedgirl
Beta: juliench1
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Spock/Kirk/McCoy
Warnings: Coercion, angst, three-way sexual situations
A/N: This is the chapter that just wouldn't get written. I just want to encourage everyone whose been reading this all along to remember that this chapter is told from McCoy's limited point of view.
Summary: Jim and Bones 2gether 4ever, til Spock gets in the way
Chapter Five
It was cold again; the kind of damp, penetrating chill that crept through your clothes and burrowed into your joints. A thick, cloying fog had rolled in off the bay, shrouding the city in a moist, oppressive blanket. Wispy white tendrils curled around the legs of one Leonard McCoy, navigating his way home from Starfleet Medical, but he barely took note. His mind was too busy dissecting his troubling encounter from the night before.
They were back, in the city and on the campus for the next two to three months. He had known they were coming, had seen the news and heard the buzz in the halls of Starfleet, but he had believed, incorrectly it seemed, that they would respect his boundaries and keep their distance. He should have known better. Jim was Jim and anything worth doing was worth overdoing, which was how he had found himself playing unwilling damsel in distress to their knights in shining armor. They’d even swept him off his feet, for God’s sake!
“Hell,” he thought as he tripped down the damp walkway. As much as he might hate it, he couldn’t deny that a part of him had taken tremendous relief in the visual, tactile confirmation that they were alive and unharmed. Klingons firefights were never pretty but the Enterprise had been outnumbered and had sustained large-scale damage. Sure, Len had seen the news reports, had read the Starfleet memos from M’Benga. He had known that they were unhurt, but all the words in the world hadn’t been worth the actual sight of them; hale, healthy, and in one piece back on Earth.
Seeing had been enough, though, or at least it would have to be. If he had some strange, nagging desire to seek them out, to talk to them, touch them, take a scanner to every damn inch of them, well, he’d just have to suppress the hell out of it. Jim had nearly broken him. Spock had threatened his life. Whatever motivation might be driving him to reach out to them now was unhealthy and just plain stupid, and he didn’t need it, especially in his current condition.
Coming to a halt at the entrance to his building, Len entered the code and slid through the door. The lobby lights pierced his eyes like a thousand tiny knives, sending rivulets of pain through his skull and down his spine. Fuck, fuck, godDAMMIT! He was past the point where self-delusion was even a possibility. The pain was growing worse every day. He had strained himself to the brink trying to compensate, trying to make sure that his inexplicable health crisis hadn’t affected the research but he had finally hit the wall, and even he wasn’t stubborn enough to risk the lives of patients just to prove his own tenacity.
Groaning heavily, Len sank down on the steps and rested his throbbing head in his hands. There just wasn’t any choice. He’d have to take himself off the project until he healed. Or died. Right now, he didn’t know which he’d prefer. It would be alright, others would pick up his work. Except, of course, everyone else seemed completely convinced that Tor’s direction was the right one. In fact, the majority of the group had been treating Len like an exasperating mutineer for the last two weeks. But he couldn’t give it up. He knew he was on the right track, and if his colleagues chose not to pursue his theory, they’d lose valuable weeks that could cost millions of lives.
Dammit, he couldn’t leave the project. Gripping his fists in steely determination, he jumped to his feet. The floor rocked, tilting out from under him, and he found himself sprawled across the cold marble tile of the entryway.
Shit.
His wrist and ass ached from the impact and his eyes blurred from the shooting agony in his brain. It was no use. He couldn’t even see straight half the time. How was he supposed to study microbes when he couldn’t even focus on what was right before his eyes?
Pushing himself up, he managed the staircase and made his way to his apartment. He’d make the announcement tomorrow. Then his promising research would fall by the wayside. And Vulcan would perish. And he would have failed…again.
The thumb pad seemed blurry, another side-effect of his monster headache, and he found himself staring blankly for several moments before he let his head fall forward and rest against the door. He couldn’t imagine what the neighbors would think if they saw him, but he just couldn’t seem to muster the strength to work the lock. The cool of the smooth metal was comforting against his brow, the darkness behind his eyelids soothing, and he relaxed as the horrible, sickening pain began to slip into the background. Amazing how a little thing like a metal door could have such a therapeutic effect.
Wait.
Dimly, in the back of his mind, alarm bells began to ring, and he slowly forced his eyes open. The light in the hallway was suddenly more bearable, the pain still constant but manageable, and a knot began to form in the pit of his stomach. The shooting agony in his head had been his constant companion for months, never dissipating, never letting up until last night, when he had inexplicably found himself wrapped in the arms of his arch rival with his ex-boyfriend staring into his eyes. Somehow, somehow, they’d made the pain go away. And now it was fading again, which could only mean…
Straightening his spine, Leonard spun slowly, eyes wide and trained for possible danger as he scanned the hallway around him. A complete about face left him facing the stairwell, and sure enough, there was one James T. Kirk, staring carefully up at him from the landing with haunted, plaintive eyes and a small voice.
“Hey.” He mouthed hesitantly.
Len froze. A mindless, shameful sense of joy swelled within him as he drunk in the sight of Jim in old jeans and a t-shirt, stripped of his Starfleet regalia and looking every inch the recalcitrant roughneck who had stolen Len’s heart. Well, no, not quite. The swagger, the calm assurance that he associated with Jim was absent, overlaid by a defeated hesitancy Len recognized from his own painful past. Shame. Jim felt ashamed. And the realization caused something inside of Len to clench. A part of him, and it horrified him to realize just how big the part was, wanted to walk down those stairs, to touch, to taste, and to hell with their issues because if Jim held him, pulled him into his arms, whispered in his ear, then the pain would go away.
NO! Hell, no. He’d been proven a fool but damned if he would do it twice over. In fact, he had to get Jim away from here, now, before that pointy-eared bastard found out, for as much as it burned him to admit it, the Vulcan scared him. He’d felt Spock’s fury and tasted the depths of his feelings for Jim, and he wouldn’t risk that wrath again. And then, of course, there were the Vulcan’s sudden, unsolicited acts of tenderness towards him, which only served to terrify Leonard more. He just couldn’t get a handle on their game plan and it was disorienting as hell.
Well, he’d be damned if they were going to bring it into his home. This was his place, his sanctuary, and they were not going to take that away. Pinning Jim with a scathing glare, he snapped, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Jim’s half-hearted attempt at a smile fell flat as his eyes drifted to the floor. “Your neighbor recognized me from the news. She let me in.”
Len fought the temptation to roll his eyes. His neighbor. Of course. All Jim ever had to do was bat those baby blues and hand out a little of that Kirk charm. He’d fallen for it himself, and look where it had landed him.
Dammit, he just couldn’t handle this, not today of all days. Fighting to keep his voice steady, he stared down the steps. “Jim, I want you to leave. There is nothing for us to say and I’ve got too much goddamn shit on my mind. So please, just please get the hell out.”
Jim took a step towards him and Len unconsciously fell into a retreat, pressing into the hallway wall. Tension and a stab of hurt flashed in Jim’s eyes, but he immediately stopped moving, his hands raised in surrender as he stilled on the stairs. “You look so tired, Bones.” He said, the genuine concern in his voice gauging at Len’s fragile resistance. “You’ve been burning the candle at both ends, haven’t you? Working on this cure at your own expense? Is it worth it, at least? Are you making any progress?”
Perhaps it was the pain, the exhaustion, or the rampant vulnerability he felt in the face of James T. Kirk but Leonard couldn’t control the words that tumbled unrestrained from his mouth. “Worth it?” he asked with a hysterical giggle. “Hell, Jim, I’m probably blowing the whole damn thing. No one will listen to me and I’m too sick to complete my own work. I’m utterly useless right now.”
Staring at the floor, he snorted derisively, “And you know what, it doesn’t even matter. After all, with my track record, I’ll probably find the cure about a month after the last Vulcan dies. But don’t worry.” He muttered as he shot his former lover a dark look, “If I recover, I promise I’ll jump right back into saving your boyfriend.”
Jim paused in his pursuit and closed his eyes as Len halted his retreat and stared at him. Taking a deep breath, Jim finally looked up, accepting Len’s bitter glare. “I deserve that, like I deserve almost everything else you want to say to me. And I’m not going to lie and say it has nothing to do with Spock. But it’s also about you, Bones. You’re a good man and an excellent doctor but you won’t believe that. You need to save them, as much for yourself as for them.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
Jim pressed his lips into a determined line. “I know what happened between you and Spock in sickbay.”
Len’s expression turned outraged but Jim rushed right through it. “Look, I betrayed you, in the worst way possible. I know that and I am so sorry that I don’t even have the words. I’m willing to do anything in the world to get you to forgive me but first I need to explain to you why it happened. I’m not going to offer you excuses, because there aren’t any. It’s just a reason, but I need you to hear it. Please, Bones, please, I just need you to listen…okay?” His voice cut off but his eyes continued to plead.
Indecision weighed heavily on Leonard. Slamming the door in Jim’s face might give him some petty satisfaction, but it wouldn’t give him answers. He needed to understand why, why, the man on whom he had taken his last real chance had thrown him away. His lips twisted bitterly as he caved to his own masochistic curiosity and said, “Alright, but you have to promise me that if I listen to you then you’ll leave when I tell you to. And you won’t come back.”
From the landing, Len heard a sharp exhalation of breath. “I can’t make that promise, Bones. I’m sorry but the situation is…complicated. And we shouldn’t discuss it out here where anyone could hear it. Please, just let me in for a few minutes. Everything will make a lot more sense.” The blue eyes staring up at him were honest but bore the faintest trace of careful calculation. “It also has to do with your health problems.”
Len glared. Dammit, the sneaky bastard still knew how to bait a hook. Turning around, he slapped the thumb pad and stalked through the sliding doors. “Come on, then.” He threw over his shoulder as Jim bounded up the stairs and followed him into his loft.
The apartment was open-floored, bare and sparsely furnished, but the view of the city through the huge bay window was lovely, and Jim stared at it appreciatively. “Nice place,” he mouthed quietly as Len dropped his things.
The glare Len shot him was fierce. “Get on with it.”
Shoulders sagging, Jim nodded. “I’ll try to keep this simple. You know I melded with the ambassador, right. Well, he and Spock also had a conversation, later on, when we got back to Earth.” He paused for a moment, his voice hitching slightly with nervous determination. “See, Bones, the ambassador told Spock that we would have a unique relationship, one that would make us stronger and help define us. But when we started spending time together, we realized that it wasn’t just a friendship. We had been lovers in the old guy’s time and we finally realized that we were supposed to be lovers here, too.”
The small breath Len had been holding escaped loudly as his eyes glazed with angry pain. “Well, that’s just fucking great, Jim.” He spit out, spinning away from his ex-lover to stalk into his kitchen. “Why the hell are you telling me this? What do you want, my fucking blessing or something?”
“No, Bones, please,” Jim stumbled, his voice tinged with desperation. “I fell in love with him, okay, we fell in love with each other, but even after it happened, even after I loved him so much it hurt, I just couldn’t let you go. And I know I was a fucking coward and you got hurt because of it but there’s a reason why. See, I loved you both and even though I thought I couldn’t have you both, I just couldn’t make myself choose between you. It was like there was something inside of me, fighting to keep you both.”
Taking several careful steps, Jim leaned against the counter and captured Len’s glare with earnest eyes. “But, Bones, I was right. Spock ended up talking to the ambassador again and he told him that it wasn’t just the two of us that were lovers. All three of us were together, you, me, and him. We were even married.”
“Jim?”
“Yeah?”
“What the fuck are you saying to me?” The look on Len’s face was a disconcerting blend of frightened realization and fury.
Girding his determination, Jim pinned Len with an unflappable stare. “Bones, please? Don’t bullshit me now. You believe me, I know you do. You know I’m telling you the truth. Don’t You?”
Turning away, Leonard rolled this unwelcome information over in his mind. Lovers, married, three...true….yes, true, he knew it was true…but how did he…know…
“How do I know?”
“Know?”
“Yes, that it’s true. I know that it’s true. Why do I know that it’s true?”
Jim took a deep breath and gripped the counter. “Okay, Bones, I need you to listen to me and try to stay calm. You and Spock got really emotional in Sickbay, right, and he put his hands on you?” Jim seemed to be searching his face for confirmation but at that memory, Len sharply averted his gaze. “The ambassador also explained to Spock that the three of us have uniquely compatible minds, which is why this could happen in the first place. See, when he touched you, he accidentally initiated…”
“A meld?”
“Yeah? You knew?”
Len nodded, his eyes furious. “We didn’t move our lips. We spoke but we weren’t moving our lips.” His voice trailed off as realization crashed down on him. “Jim, dammit, Jim, he jumped into my head. He’s the reason my mind is all messed up. What the hell did he do?”
Jim exhaled. “He bonded with you, Bones.”
For a moment, Leonard only nodded, his face composed and unaffected, and Jim took two hesitant, hopeful steps forward before an eruption of volcanic proportions exploded out of the country doctor.
“Bonded? Like a Vulcan bond? Like a fucking Vulcan MATING bond? Are you kidding me?” Backpedaling furiously, Len stumbled against the counter, clinging to the edge for dear life. “Dammit, what do I need to do? We’d have to get a Vulcan healer to fix it.”
Jim stepped towards him cautiously. “Bones, even if we could find a Vulcan healer healthy enough to help, it wouldn’t matter. The bond is too established. It’s also unresolved, which is what’s causing all your pain.” Stepping closer, Jim placed a tentative hand on Len’s shoulder. “We don’t have a choice here. We have to fix it.”
“Unresolved?” Len blinked, shrugging Jim off. “Wait, you’re saying…Are you saying you want me to marry Spock?”
“Sort of. See, Spock and I bonded, too…God, how do I explain this?” Jim shook his head. “Bones, I love you. I love you so much it hurts. And I love him, too. This is about us bonding, together, all three of us.”
“You’re out of your damned mind! I’m not bonding with anyone, especially not that green-blooded asshole. Are you crazy?” Tearing his eyes away, Len sagged against the cabinet, his face terrified and vulnerable. “Jim,” he pleaded, his voice barely more than a whisper, “I can’t. Please… we don’t want each other…we’ll hurt each other!”
Jim closed his eyes, pain and regret leaching off of him. “Bones,” he said gently, “there’s no choice here. We can’t break the bond. And you’re wrong. I want you more than anything. As for Spock, he was ready to give me up for you, and that’s the honest truth.”
“Dammit, Jim, you need to go, now, before he realizes you’re here and comes looking for you.”
Jim kept his hands raised in a gesture of non-aggression but continued to walk forward slowly. “Spock knows I’m here.”
The color drained out of Leonard’s face as his head shot up. “How do you know that?”
Holding his hands out slowly, Jim reached for Len’s shoulders again, a placating expression on his face. “Bones, please don’t freak out. I know you don’t want either or us near you but there just isn’t a choice. I can’t just stand by and watch you hurt.” Looking over his shoulder, Jim glanced at the closed apartment door. “I know he knows because he’s here with me. He’s waiting right outside.”
For a moment, Len froze, his body seizing and his mind an empty blank. Then snippets and sensations of Sickbay, of helplessness and fear, inundated his mind, and inaction melted under the adrenaline fueled heat of pure panic. Pushing Jim away, he backpedaled furiously, retreating into the kitchen and placing the small counter between him and the door. “Don’t you dare let him come in here…Jim…I mean it!”
Jim closed his eyes. “Bones,” he whispered. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry but he has to.”
Len opened his mouth to protest but his voice was cut off by the low swoosh of his apartment door retracting into the walls. A wave of nausea hit him as Spock stepped inside his home, letting the door slide shut behind him. The Vulcan’s eyes, dark and strangely tender, fell on Len immediately and though he made no move to come closer, the fathomless gaze spanned the distance to wrap the human in an ink-black net.
“Doctor.” He murmured quietly with a graceful nod of his head.
Forcing himself to meet Spock’s stare, Len loaded his gaze with pure fury. They were there; they were both there again, with their falsely comforting presence and sweet, fake promises. Well, the hell with that. He’d rather be ignorant and in pain than informed and indebted. More than anything, though, he wanted to get the hell away. Pressing himself defensively against the counter, he eyed the two figures standing between him and the only door. They were watching him warily, but Len wasn’t buying that for a second. If there was one thing these two excelled at, it was causing him pain and he wasn’t going to lay there like a sacrificial lamb. He had to get out.
Without warning, he bolted left towards the front door but Jim was ready, stepping in front of him and blocking his escape. Desperate and caged, Len swung a wild left hook that Jim managed to evade by inches. The second swing was luckier, catching Jim in the ribs and knocking him to his knees. Leonard’s escape route was cleared but his own basic instincts tripped him up as the doctor in him glanced down to access Jim’s injuries. It was a moment’s hesitation but all that was necessary as a warm hand suddenly grasped his shoulder and a deep, gentle voice filled his mind.
“Nam-tor hayal”
And everything was dark.
Part Two