Never Did Run Smooth: Chapter Seven
Title: Never Did Run Smooth
Author: Lilbatfacedgirl
Fandom: stxi
Pairing: Kirk/Spock
Rating: Mostly PG-13/R
Warning: fic deals with rape survival and recovery. Chapter rating is for language and references to past sexual abuse
Disclaimer: I don't own any of it.
Summary: Jim and Spock have an intimate conversation.
Ch. 7
Jim paced.
Hour after hour, night after night, he haunted the deck of the Aberdeen.
He would start at the control console at the bow. From there he would navigate through the command quarter and down through the halls. He would skirt the periphery of the rec room and then the mess hall before wandering down the crew quarter deck. Finally, he would traverse the engine room and cargo holds before coming to rest his head against the stern side bulkhead. There he would wait for several moments before inevitably turning around and reversing his steps.
The crew was aware of the ghost that was haunting their ship at night but they didn’t know what to make of it. At first, Scotty had nearly panicked, sure that Jim was destined to slide back down into the emotional black hole that had engulfed him when he first fled New Vulcan. But Jim had come too far for that. In an effort to check on his young friend, Scotty had spent a whole night camped out at the rec room computer, pretending to research warp capabilities and surreptitiously examining Jim each time he wandered back through the room. During the second lap, Scotty noticed that Jim’s expression was one of intense concentration. By lap five, he distinctly heard Jim talking to himself. And by lap seven, it suddenly dawned on him just why Jim couldn’t seem to stop walking. He was wrestling with his most deeply held philosophy, finding a winnable solution to a no-win situation.
Taking matters into his own hands, Scotty waited until Jim’s next pass and then casually stuck his foot out. Deep in his own thoughts, Jim suddenly found himself face down on the deck. Rolling over, he found a mildly amused Scotsman starring down at him.
“You’ve been tryin to figure it out fer days by yerself, laddie. Hows about acceptin some friendly counsel? You were always good at knowin when ta ask fer help.” Scotty noticed Jim’s slight wince and inwardly kicked himself a bit. Jim’s two foremost counselors lay at the heart of this mess.
Jim hauled himself to his feet, only to throw himself into the rec room couch, a slightly defeated expression on his face. He reached into his shirt and pulled something over his head. Holding out his hand, he let a gold chain with two terran style rings dangle from his fingers.
Looking up at Scotty, he asked, “How’d I end up with this?”
Scotty looked bemused, “Dunno. What is it?”
Jim stared at the twisting circles as they caught the light,“It’s my parents’ wedding bands. When my mom started having contractions that day on the Kelvin, it was right about the time the whole shit storm with Nero began. My dad had to report to the bridge so he gave her his ring to hold on to, said it was as firm and resolute as his love for her. When she remarried, she gave me the two rings so I would remember where I came from,” he looked up, “That day, when Spock knocked me out, I didn’t have it on but I suddenly had it when I woke up. So, where did it come from?”
Scotty thought back to that day. Of course! Spock sliding something over Jim’s lolling head, tucking it in his shirt. Lovely, does he have a coat? “Spock! Spock put it on you when Pav and I were carrying you out of the house.”
Jim nodded slowly. He had already known the answer but the affirmation only further complicated his heavily burdened mind. He opened his mouth to speak but couldn’t seem to find the words. Motivated by pure frustration, he jumped to his feet and began pacing the length of the rec room.
Scotty sighed, “Talk ta me, laddie. Tell me what on yer mind.”
“Alright, you want to hear my bitchfest? Here it goes. I was a damn starship captain, the youngest one ever. I had to make difficult decisions on a daily basis. It was difficult, sometimes it flat out SUCKED, but I learned to be decisive and live with the consequences. I accepted it as part of being a leader, as part of being a man and not just a dumb punk kid. But I am faced with a whole bunch of shit right now that is preventing me from making a decision and living with it.”
Jim glanced at his captain, who nodded in understanding, “See it goes like this. Once upon a time, I had this friend. He was brilliant, controlled, logical, punctual….hell, everything that I wasn’t. He wasn’t taken in my so-called charm, called me on my bullshit, and literally kicked my ass when I needed it. He challenged me and pushed me and made me into a better person. He affected me more than anyone I’ve ever know. I loved this guy. I really, really loved him. I would have died for him and I know he would have done the same for me. I KNOW how cheesy it sounds but he was like my other half.
So then, this guy who I trust completely, who has completely earned my trust by standing by me and saving me from myself and supporting me and believing in me, this guy suddenly turns around and totally betrays my trust, as deeply and completely as it can be betrayed. And then, he does another 180 degree turn and chooses his own death in order to set me free. Now, what do you do with this person? How do you weigh that level of loyalty and love against that level of betrayal and pain? How do you ever let go of either side and choose a path?”
Jim stopped and slid down against the wall, letting his head fall back against the bulkhead with a thud. “Am I supposed to just let him die, Scotty?”
“Is that what ya want¸ him ta die?”
“That’s just it! I feel like I’m supposed to, I feel like I’m expected to. Dammit, I feel like people will look at me with pity, or disgust if I don’t.”
“But”
“”
“Jim”
“No”
“No?”
Jim’s head came forward. His eyes locked on Scotty’s, “No, I don’t want him to die.”
Scotty sighed,”What do ya want?”
Jim starred hard into the deck, “I want to kick his ass. I want to beat him so bad that he can’t get out of bed for weeks. And then, when he’s totally incapacitated, I want to take care of him. I want to nurse him back to health. And then I want to live happily ever after.”
The two men sat in heavy silence for several minutes.
“Jim”
“Yeah”
“I dunno think that’s possible”
Jim snorted, “Yeah. And that’s really the problem, isn’t it. The wondering and worrying is over. We aren’t running anymore and you aren’t trying to “fix” me. He’s in prison waiting for his own death. He’d probably tell me that the only logical course of action would be to move on. But I don’t know how to decide to let him go.” Feeling the weight of the world of his shoulder, Jim stood up, “You know what,” he said in mock satisfaction, “I think I’ll sleep on it.”
“That’s a good idea”
“Yeah, a really great idea”
******************
Sleep was the last think on Jim Kirk’s mind. His restless thoughts had given him a pronounced case of insomnia and the exhaustion was playing havoc with his mental functions. However, despite his depleted energy, he could not seem to make himself lie down and rest. As he stretched out on his bunk, his telltale jumpiness informed him that tonight would be no different.
So he was shocked, hours later, to feel himself emerging out of a deep sleep. Curled on his side, eyes still closed, he luxuriated in the feeling of restedness, noting that for the first time in weeks, he felt truly calm and relaxed. Suddenly, he started. Not calm…..complete. The subtle but omnipresent sensation of emptiness, the feeling of a limb missing, the uncomfortable reminder of a neglected but ever-present bond that he had relegated to a place in the back of his mind and tried to ignore. Suddenly, the emptiness was gone! But that was impossible, unless……
Slowly, carefully, Jim opened his eyes. Before him, a massive bay window looked out onto a deep valley, illuminated intermittently with streetlights. The night sky was crystal clear and awash with stars and a gentle breeze blew up through the valley, rustling the bed sheets and the ends of his hair. Caught between sheer terror and exhilaration, he immediately recognized his location. Concentrating on his surroundings, he clearly detected an intense warmth emanating from a source behind him. Taking a deep breath, he rolled onto his other side. The motion felt strange, as if his bones were too small inside his body. But all such thoughts were forgotten as he made visual contact with the source of the heat.
Jim took a quick moment to observe their surroundings. The bedroom looked exactly as it had when he saw it last, all dramatic drapery and ancient weapons hung in their proper places. The bed was large, too large he had thought some nights, not large enough on others. Tonight it seemed as big as a battlefield, with a line drawn right down the middle and just across the way lay the imposing form of his enemy best friend, turned towards him and starring with appraising and vaguely hungry eyes.
Struck momentarily speechless, Jim took a moment to peruse his bond mate. He looked no different from any other night Jim had spent lying next to him in their bed on New Vulcan. The crimson sheet barely covered his hips, and the smooth, olive tinged planes of his torso and arms appeared almost white in the weak light from the window. Jim immediately became aware of their mutual state of undress. Not that it should be surprising. He and Spock had generally slept in the buff during their time together. This unspoken arrangement, which had always left him feeling vulnerable and at risk, now felt rather empowering. He could sense the desire volleying between them.
Snapping to attention, Jim sought answers. How did he get here? Was this real? Had he ever actually left Spock? Realizing that he had only one source of information, Jim locked stares with the Vulcan who continued to eye him from across the bed.
“Was it a dream?”
No, the state you are in now would be called a dream……though perhaps the cause is sufficient for you to call it a nightmare.”
“I’m on the Aberdeen?”
“Physically. Mentally, you are in a place of your own choosing.”
“I chose this place!?”
Jim paused for a moment to collect his whirling thoughts. He was dreaming, none of this was real. Then how was he able to feel……
“You feel the bond in it completion.”
“Yeah, but that can’t be right. If you’re just a dream”
“I didn’t say I was a dream. I said that you were dreaming”
“Wait, are you telling me you’re real? How is that possible. We’re nowhere near each other. You and the old guy have both jumped in my head before but you had to actually be touching me.” Jim was becoming nervous and the sensation gave way to anger, “Fuck, do you ever stop. What they hell are you doing to me now? You’re invading my dreams?”
Spock paused, the look in his eyes plaintive.
“T’hy’la, you must be calm”
“Fuck you, and don’t call me that! You don’t get to call me that!”
“Jim, then. You are right. A Vulcan must touch another in order to establish a link between minds. What I am doing now is an intense form of mental discipline. It is very difficult to maintain. You must not attempt to move. The illusion that I am
Jim gritted his teeth. Stay still. One way or another, Spock was always holding him down. Okay, must control myself. This is not the time to be lashing out in anger. Gather info….
“Okay, fine, you win. I’m still. Now, tell me how.”
“The answer is actually quite simple. I am employing the joint telepathic faculties of my ancestral collective.”
“You're doing WHAT!!!!!!!!”
“Jim”
“Don’t you even…….what the FUCK are you thinking? Jesus Christ, get the FUCK out of me. Or did you forget that I’ve already had you and one of your ancestors in my head?”
“Jim, they are not in your head.”
Jim tried to jump up, to turn away, but his body still felt heavy and alien. That’s cause it’s not really me. Just an illusion. Breathing deeply, he forced himself to calm down. He wanted, needed answers.
“Explain, yourself, dammit”
“As a result of my previous actions, I have roughly five years left to live. Five years to make peace with myself and the people I have hurt and wronged. Since the first person I failed was myself, I have initiated contact with my older counterpart. He has been working with me in several disciplines, helping me to confront my emotions and actions. The first step he had me undertake was to build up and re-master my disciplines so that I had something within myself that I could respect.
Next, I had to seek out the people I hurt. Since you were by far the most egregiously injured, it made sense to first come to you. I cannot actually seek you out and it would be foolish to ask you to come to me, so my counterpart suggested this method. It is in effect, what you humans would call ‘killing two birds with one stone’, I believe. I am exercising careful mental controls and giving you an opportunity to confront me in a place you find,” Spock paused and glanced around the room, his tone becoming ironic, “non-threatening?”
“Are you saying I chose this place because it makes me feel safe?”
“It is interesting to consider. It SHOULD have made you feel safe. To be naked in one’s marital bed with one’s bond mate should be the most intimate and uninhibited of environments. This was, of course, not the case for us. However, it is important that you know that you are safe. My disciplines are in control and my counterpart is overseeing this interaction.”
“You mean he’s listening!”
“He is observing from a distance. We have privacy.”
Jim considered this, “So now what.”
“Now we speak of things that need saying.”
Jim reeled inwardly. How could Spock sound so calm. He was a mess of tensing emotions, not knowing whether he wanted to hit the man across from him or lean in and kiss him soundly. Mostly, he wanted to jar him out of his composed, collected state. Considering, Jim chose a question designed to cut like a knife thrust.
“Why?”
Spock looked confused, “I have told you. It is important we speak.”
“Yeah, I know Spock. WHY?”
“Ah, why, I see. You are aware of what transpired at my Starfleet hearing, are you not.”
“Yeah, I heard it.”
“I believe your question has several levels, all of which deserve their own answers. Why did I place myself in a situation I knew to be dangerous? Why did I let myself become vulnerable to another’s katra? Stubborness, a trait that tends to define me, I think. I simply refused to accept that I could not have what I thought I wanted. Perhaps I was a bit inspired by you. I had become accustomed to a world where everything had a solution.”
“Oh, so now it’s my fault.”
“It is not your fault. You and I have different gifts. It is why we complement each other. Impossible situations was your talent, not mine, and I did not do a good job with it. I lost myself in the process.
But that is not your only question. You also wish to know why it was you that I pursued. That answer is a bit more complicated. I told Miss Uhura, the good doctor, and the court that you and I were biologically compatible, that you would be able to accept the mating bond. That was all they needed to know. To you, I owe much more honesty.
During my initial……assault , you and I were locked into a primal struggle of attack and survival. Despite this, when I initiated the meld on you, there was a fractious moment when I returned to myself completely. I felt calm, completed and fulfilled. My rage and lust were momentarily quelled. I believe that you felt it, too.”
Jim considered. Mostly what he remembered was terror, humiliation and pain everywhere. But there had been that second when Spock had hovered over him, starring into his eyes, pressing into his face, mumbling those words parted from me and never parted when even his shattered bones had ceased to exist. He HAD felt it.
“So what does that mean.”
“Our bond solidified instantaneously. You wouldn’t be aware of the significance of that but I have been bonded before and I assure you it was nothing like that experience. I couldn’t imagine my last bond having the slightest effect on the madness I was experiencing during pon farr.”
For the first time since his speech began, Spock broke eye contact. Starring out the windows behind Jim, he sighed and continued.
“My stubborn tendencies betrayed us twice. I believe this could all have been avoided if I had just been willing to listen, to accept my nature, but I had been fighting it for so long. He tried to tell me, my counterpart, that our relationship would define us both completely. I failed to realize the significance. And for a person of my race not to have acknowledged the insurmountable odds of you and I traversing completely different walks of life and still finding each other a second time? There is only one possible explanation.” Spock looked back at Jim, “I know you do not wish to hear it, but you are my T’hy’la, in the deepest sense of the word. On Earth, we would be called soulmates.”
Jim opened his mouth to speak but Spock hushed him with a slight shake of his head and continued, “So you see, I had to come to you because you were already mine, as I was yours. I was drawn to you but my own deplorable actions and indulgences corrupted it, made it an act of abomination, instead of an act of………love.” He starred at Jim intently for a moment, observing the human’s reaction. “You may despise this but I believe you know it to be true. You are the one who brought us here to this place, Jim. The bond between us in now uncorrupted and I sense that you can feel the difference. This is what we should have had, should have been, together. Now do you understand?”
Jim stayed quiet for whole minutes, extremes of emotion running through his mind and heart. He wanted to shout denial but recognized the foolish waste of dishonesty here, in this place. Soulmates. It would definitely explain some things. Like how he could feel such intense rage for a person and still love him with complete abandon. Still want him. “Relent” he told himself, “Stop tearing yourself apart with this fight. Stop worrying about what others will think. There's no shame but what you bring on yourself”
Finally composing himself, he said, “I don’t despise it. This is what I’ve been struggling with for months. I hate how much I DON”T hate you. At least now I understand why.” He pierced Spock with his gaze, “I surrender. I cannot hate you. It just isn’t in my nature. Despite everything, I can’t do anything but love you. And I’m tired of fighting it and letting pre-conceived notions of pride, self-respect and survivor’s guilt or whatever influence my behavior. Since the moment this began, all I really wanted to do was submit to it. Especially now that I know exactly what I’m submitting too. Jim sighed, “I once told Scotty that I felt cherished here. Maybe that’s why I brought us back. I don’t want to leave you!”
Spock’s lips played up at the corner, the barest hint of a smile. “You WERE cherished here T’hy’la. I am gratified that you felt that. But you cannot stay with me.”
Jim sensed panic well up within him, “What do you mean?”
“Jim, I am going to die. I cannot and will not allow you to carry this bond with you for the next five years, further developing it, only to have it taken away. It would be cruel and I have already been cruel enough.”
“What are you saying? I don’t know much about Vulcan mind games but I know this thing is til death. You told me so several times.”
“It is true that the bond can’t be broken. It can, however, be effectively blocked. It is my intention to implement that. After it is done, we will no longer be able to sense each other. You will be free.”
Forgetting his promise to stay still, Jim swung out at his old friend, the action leaving him completely exhausted. Trembling with effort, Spock extended his arm and gently stroked Jim’s hand with his first two fingers. Immediately feeling the calming permeations of his mate’s mind, Jim said, “I don’t want to be free. You’re mine, I’m yours, we’ll see this through together. You don’t have to die. I can come there when it’s time.” He paused, “Doesn’t Starfleet allow for conjugal visits?”
“Most definitely not in this case. Jim, I want you to understand me. I committed a crime against my friend and anther against my culture and the payment will be high. What’s more, it most certainly WILL be collected. I angered many important people when I chose to appear at that hearing. It was the right thing to do and I have no regrets but there are many people in power who will see me dead, both on Vulcan and in Starfleet. They will allow no “conjugal visits” I assure you. In fact, their anticipation of my prolonged and impending death during pon farr is probably the only reason that I am still alive. And you must promise me that you will stay far away from Earth and keep Mr. Scott and Mr. Chekov with you. My father and counterpart are already taking action to see to the safe removal of Miss Uhura and the good doctor from Earth. There is a good chance that some people will see you all as liabilities. I can accept my own death but I cannot accept yours.”
He paused, “Jim, I want my death. I need it. It is also a payment that is due to me. I allowed myself to live in a fashion that was dishonorable. When I released you, I knew it meant my death but I did it anyway. Through that act of selflessness, it is possible for me to reclaim my honor, but only if I see it through to the end” He sighed. “I do not wish to leave you T’hy’la. But it will only be more difficult later. Yield to the logic of this. Let me go.”
His voice was growing more distant, developing a sense of echo. Jim again tried to reach for him, but still found it too difficult to move.
“SPOCK.”
“I am growing tired. I must go now.”
“I almost couldn’t hear you.”
“Can you hear me now?”
“Yes, you're louder.”
“I am gathering my strength”
“For what?”
“For this.”
Without warning, Spock suddenly surged up and over Jim, threading his left arm beneath Jim’s shoulders and cradling his head with his right. Wasting none of the precious seconds that remained, Spock lowered his head and seized Jim’s mouth in a powerful kiss, divesting him of his senses and breath and filling him with heat. Jim struggled ineffectually to move his arms but finally let his hand loll limply against Spock’s hip, desperate to maintain as much contact as possible as Spock sensually devoured his lips. Finally, Spock pulled back and Jim’s lungs pulled in huge sucking gasps of air as Spock leaned over and nuzzled his neck before whispering gently against his ear, “Wani ra yana ro aisha, T’hy’la.”
In a flash, the pressure, the panic, the sense of calm, were all gone. Jim bolted up on his bunk in his cabin on the Aberdeen, noting that he was suddenly alone and fully dressed. Despite that, he could still feel the pressure of Spock’s lips, still feel the lingering tickle of his voice in his ear. Jim reached out through the bond he could no longer feel “A dream, you said it was a dream. Then why can I still taste you.”
This time there was no answer.
Author: Lilbatfacedgirl
Fandom: stxi
Pairing: Kirk/Spock
Rating: Mostly PG-13/R
Warning: fic deals with rape survival and recovery. Chapter rating is for language and references to past sexual abuse
Disclaimer: I don't own any of it.
Summary: Jim and Spock have an intimate conversation.
Ch. 7
Jim paced.
Hour after hour, night after night, he haunted the deck of the Aberdeen.
He would start at the control console at the bow. From there he would navigate through the command quarter and down through the halls. He would skirt the periphery of the rec room and then the mess hall before wandering down the crew quarter deck. Finally, he would traverse the engine room and cargo holds before coming to rest his head against the stern side bulkhead. There he would wait for several moments before inevitably turning around and reversing his steps.
The crew was aware of the ghost that was haunting their ship at night but they didn’t know what to make of it. At first, Scotty had nearly panicked, sure that Jim was destined to slide back down into the emotional black hole that had engulfed him when he first fled New Vulcan. But Jim had come too far for that. In an effort to check on his young friend, Scotty had spent a whole night camped out at the rec room computer, pretending to research warp capabilities and surreptitiously examining Jim each time he wandered back through the room. During the second lap, Scotty noticed that Jim’s expression was one of intense concentration. By lap five, he distinctly heard Jim talking to himself. And by lap seven, it suddenly dawned on him just why Jim couldn’t seem to stop walking. He was wrestling with his most deeply held philosophy, finding a winnable solution to a no-win situation.
Taking matters into his own hands, Scotty waited until Jim’s next pass and then casually stuck his foot out. Deep in his own thoughts, Jim suddenly found himself face down on the deck. Rolling over, he found a mildly amused Scotsman starring down at him.
“You’ve been tryin to figure it out fer days by yerself, laddie. Hows about acceptin some friendly counsel? You were always good at knowin when ta ask fer help.” Scotty noticed Jim’s slight wince and inwardly kicked himself a bit. Jim’s two foremost counselors lay at the heart of this mess.
Jim hauled himself to his feet, only to throw himself into the rec room couch, a slightly defeated expression on his face. He reached into his shirt and pulled something over his head. Holding out his hand, he let a gold chain with two terran style rings dangle from his fingers.
Looking up at Scotty, he asked, “How’d I end up with this?”
Scotty looked bemused, “Dunno. What is it?”
Jim stared at the twisting circles as they caught the light,“It’s my parents’ wedding bands. When my mom started having contractions that day on the Kelvin, it was right about the time the whole shit storm with Nero began. My dad had to report to the bridge so he gave her his ring to hold on to, said it was as firm and resolute as his love for her. When she remarried, she gave me the two rings so I would remember where I came from,” he looked up, “That day, when Spock knocked me out, I didn’t have it on but I suddenly had it when I woke up. So, where did it come from?”
Scotty thought back to that day. Of course! Spock sliding something over Jim’s lolling head, tucking it in his shirt. Lovely, does he have a coat? “Spock! Spock put it on you when Pav and I were carrying you out of the house.”
Jim nodded slowly. He had already known the answer but the affirmation only further complicated his heavily burdened mind. He opened his mouth to speak but couldn’t seem to find the words. Motivated by pure frustration, he jumped to his feet and began pacing the length of the rec room.
Scotty sighed, “Talk ta me, laddie. Tell me what on yer mind.”
“Alright, you want to hear my bitchfest? Here it goes. I was a damn starship captain, the youngest one ever. I had to make difficult decisions on a daily basis. It was difficult, sometimes it flat out SUCKED, but I learned to be decisive and live with the consequences. I accepted it as part of being a leader, as part of being a man and not just a dumb punk kid. But I am faced with a whole bunch of shit right now that is preventing me from making a decision and living with it.”
Jim glanced at his captain, who nodded in understanding, “See it goes like this. Once upon a time, I had this friend. He was brilliant, controlled, logical, punctual….hell, everything that I wasn’t. He wasn’t taken in my so-called charm, called me on my bullshit, and literally kicked my ass when I needed it. He challenged me and pushed me and made me into a better person. He affected me more than anyone I’ve ever know. I loved this guy. I really, really loved him. I would have died for him and I know he would have done the same for me. I KNOW how cheesy it sounds but he was like my other half.
So then, this guy who I trust completely, who has completely earned my trust by standing by me and saving me from myself and supporting me and believing in me, this guy suddenly turns around and totally betrays my trust, as deeply and completely as it can be betrayed. And then, he does another 180 degree turn and chooses his own death in order to set me free. Now, what do you do with this person? How do you weigh that level of loyalty and love against that level of betrayal and pain? How do you ever let go of either side and choose a path?”
Jim stopped and slid down against the wall, letting his head fall back against the bulkhead with a thud. “Am I supposed to just let him die, Scotty?”
“Is that what ya want¸ him ta die?”
“That’s just it! I feel like I’m supposed to, I feel like I’m expected to. Dammit, I feel like people will look at me with pity, or disgust if I don’t.”
“But”
“”
“Jim”
“No”
“No?”
Jim’s head came forward. His eyes locked on Scotty’s, “No, I don’t want him to die.”
Scotty sighed,”What do ya want?”
Jim starred hard into the deck, “I want to kick his ass. I want to beat him so bad that he can’t get out of bed for weeks. And then, when he’s totally incapacitated, I want to take care of him. I want to nurse him back to health. And then I want to live happily ever after.”
The two men sat in heavy silence for several minutes.
“Jim”
“Yeah”
“I dunno think that’s possible”
Jim snorted, “Yeah. And that’s really the problem, isn’t it. The wondering and worrying is over. We aren’t running anymore and you aren’t trying to “fix” me. He’s in prison waiting for his own death. He’d probably tell me that the only logical course of action would be to move on. But I don’t know how to decide to let him go.” Feeling the weight of the world of his shoulder, Jim stood up, “You know what,” he said in mock satisfaction, “I think I’ll sleep on it.”
“That’s a good idea”
“Yeah, a really great idea”
******************
Sleep was the last think on Jim Kirk’s mind. His restless thoughts had given him a pronounced case of insomnia and the exhaustion was playing havoc with his mental functions. However, despite his depleted energy, he could not seem to make himself lie down and rest. As he stretched out on his bunk, his telltale jumpiness informed him that tonight would be no different.
So he was shocked, hours later, to feel himself emerging out of a deep sleep. Curled on his side, eyes still closed, he luxuriated in the feeling of restedness, noting that for the first time in weeks, he felt truly calm and relaxed. Suddenly, he started. Not calm…..complete. The subtle but omnipresent sensation of emptiness, the feeling of a limb missing, the uncomfortable reminder of a neglected but ever-present bond that he had relegated to a place in the back of his mind and tried to ignore. Suddenly, the emptiness was gone! But that was impossible, unless……
Slowly, carefully, Jim opened his eyes. Before him, a massive bay window looked out onto a deep valley, illuminated intermittently with streetlights. The night sky was crystal clear and awash with stars and a gentle breeze blew up through the valley, rustling the bed sheets and the ends of his hair. Caught between sheer terror and exhilaration, he immediately recognized his location. Concentrating on his surroundings, he clearly detected an intense warmth emanating from a source behind him. Taking a deep breath, he rolled onto his other side. The motion felt strange, as if his bones were too small inside his body. But all such thoughts were forgotten as he made visual contact with the source of the heat.
Jim took a quick moment to observe their surroundings. The bedroom looked exactly as it had when he saw it last, all dramatic drapery and ancient weapons hung in their proper places. The bed was large, too large he had thought some nights, not large enough on others. Tonight it seemed as big as a battlefield, with a line drawn right down the middle and just across the way lay the imposing form of his enemy best friend, turned towards him and starring with appraising and vaguely hungry eyes.
Struck momentarily speechless, Jim took a moment to peruse his bond mate. He looked no different from any other night Jim had spent lying next to him in their bed on New Vulcan. The crimson sheet barely covered his hips, and the smooth, olive tinged planes of his torso and arms appeared almost white in the weak light from the window. Jim immediately became aware of their mutual state of undress. Not that it should be surprising. He and Spock had generally slept in the buff during their time together. This unspoken arrangement, which had always left him feeling vulnerable and at risk, now felt rather empowering. He could sense the desire volleying between them.
Snapping to attention, Jim sought answers. How did he get here? Was this real? Had he ever actually left Spock? Realizing that he had only one source of information, Jim locked stares with the Vulcan who continued to eye him from across the bed.
“Was it a dream?”
No, the state you are in now would be called a dream……though perhaps the cause is sufficient for you to call it a nightmare.”
“I’m on the Aberdeen?”
“Physically. Mentally, you are in a place of your own choosing.”
“I chose this place!?”
Jim paused for a moment to collect his whirling thoughts. He was dreaming, none of this was real. Then how was he able to feel……
“You feel the bond in it completion.”
“Yeah, but that can’t be right. If you’re just a dream”
“I didn’t say I was a dream. I said that you were dreaming”
“Wait, are you telling me you’re real? How is that possible. We’re nowhere near each other. You and the old guy have both jumped in my head before but you had to actually be touching me.” Jim was becoming nervous and the sensation gave way to anger, “Fuck, do you ever stop. What they hell are you doing to me now? You’re invading my dreams?”
Spock paused, the look in his eyes plaintive.
“T’hy’la, you must be calm”
“Fuck you, and don’t call me that! You don’t get to call me that!”
“Jim, then. You are right. A Vulcan must touch another in order to establish a link between minds. What I am doing now is an intense form of mental discipline. It is very difficult to maintain. You must not attempt to move. The illusion that I am
Jim gritted his teeth. Stay still. One way or another, Spock was always holding him down. Okay, must control myself. This is not the time to be lashing out in anger. Gather info….
“Okay, fine, you win. I’m still. Now, tell me how.”
“The answer is actually quite simple. I am employing the joint telepathic faculties of my ancestral collective.”
“You're doing WHAT!!!!!!!!”
“Jim”
“Don’t you even…….what the FUCK are you thinking? Jesus Christ, get the FUCK out of me. Or did you forget that I’ve already had you and one of your ancestors in my head?”
“Jim, they are not in your head.”
Jim tried to jump up, to turn away, but his body still felt heavy and alien. That’s cause it’s not really me. Just an illusion. Breathing deeply, he forced himself to calm down. He wanted, needed answers.
“Explain, yourself, dammit”
“As a result of my previous actions, I have roughly five years left to live. Five years to make peace with myself and the people I have hurt and wronged. Since the first person I failed was myself, I have initiated contact with my older counterpart. He has been working with me in several disciplines, helping me to confront my emotions and actions. The first step he had me undertake was to build up and re-master my disciplines so that I had something within myself that I could respect.
Next, I had to seek out the people I hurt. Since you were by far the most egregiously injured, it made sense to first come to you. I cannot actually seek you out and it would be foolish to ask you to come to me, so my counterpart suggested this method. It is in effect, what you humans would call ‘killing two birds with one stone’, I believe. I am exercising careful mental controls and giving you an opportunity to confront me in a place you find,” Spock paused and glanced around the room, his tone becoming ironic, “non-threatening?”
“Are you saying I chose this place because it makes me feel safe?”
“It is interesting to consider. It SHOULD have made you feel safe. To be naked in one’s marital bed with one’s bond mate should be the most intimate and uninhibited of environments. This was, of course, not the case for us. However, it is important that you know that you are safe. My disciplines are in control and my counterpart is overseeing this interaction.”
“You mean he’s listening!”
“He is observing from a distance. We have privacy.”
Jim considered this, “So now what.”
“Now we speak of things that need saying.”
Jim reeled inwardly. How could Spock sound so calm. He was a mess of tensing emotions, not knowing whether he wanted to hit the man across from him or lean in and kiss him soundly. Mostly, he wanted to jar him out of his composed, collected state. Considering, Jim chose a question designed to cut like a knife thrust.
“Why?”
Spock looked confused, “I have told you. It is important we speak.”
“Yeah, I know Spock. WHY?”
“Ah, why, I see. You are aware of what transpired at my Starfleet hearing, are you not.”
“Yeah, I heard it.”
“I believe your question has several levels, all of which deserve their own answers. Why did I place myself in a situation I knew to be dangerous? Why did I let myself become vulnerable to another’s katra? Stubborness, a trait that tends to define me, I think. I simply refused to accept that I could not have what I thought I wanted. Perhaps I was a bit inspired by you. I had become accustomed to a world where everything had a solution.”
“Oh, so now it’s my fault.”
“It is not your fault. You and I have different gifts. It is why we complement each other. Impossible situations was your talent, not mine, and I did not do a good job with it. I lost myself in the process.
But that is not your only question. You also wish to know why it was you that I pursued. That answer is a bit more complicated. I told Miss Uhura, the good doctor, and the court that you and I were biologically compatible, that you would be able to accept the mating bond. That was all they needed to know. To you, I owe much more honesty.
During my initial……assault , you and I were locked into a primal struggle of attack and survival. Despite this, when I initiated the meld on you, there was a fractious moment when I returned to myself completely. I felt calm, completed and fulfilled. My rage and lust were momentarily quelled. I believe that you felt it, too.”
Jim considered. Mostly what he remembered was terror, humiliation and pain everywhere. But there had been that second when Spock had hovered over him, starring into his eyes, pressing into his face, mumbling those words parted from me and never parted when even his shattered bones had ceased to exist. He HAD felt it.
“So what does that mean.”
“Our bond solidified instantaneously. You wouldn’t be aware of the significance of that but I have been bonded before and I assure you it was nothing like that experience. I couldn’t imagine my last bond having the slightest effect on the madness I was experiencing during pon farr.”
For the first time since his speech began, Spock broke eye contact. Starring out the windows behind Jim, he sighed and continued.
“My stubborn tendencies betrayed us twice. I believe this could all have been avoided if I had just been willing to listen, to accept my nature, but I had been fighting it for so long. He tried to tell me, my counterpart, that our relationship would define us both completely. I failed to realize the significance. And for a person of my race not to have acknowledged the insurmountable odds of you and I traversing completely different walks of life and still finding each other a second time? There is only one possible explanation.” Spock looked back at Jim, “I know you do not wish to hear it, but you are my T’hy’la, in the deepest sense of the word. On Earth, we would be called soulmates.”
Jim opened his mouth to speak but Spock hushed him with a slight shake of his head and continued, “So you see, I had to come to you because you were already mine, as I was yours. I was drawn to you but my own deplorable actions and indulgences corrupted it, made it an act of abomination, instead of an act of………love.” He starred at Jim intently for a moment, observing the human’s reaction. “You may despise this but I believe you know it to be true. You are the one who brought us here to this place, Jim. The bond between us in now uncorrupted and I sense that you can feel the difference. This is what we should have had, should have been, together. Now do you understand?”
Jim stayed quiet for whole minutes, extremes of emotion running through his mind and heart. He wanted to shout denial but recognized the foolish waste of dishonesty here, in this place. Soulmates. It would definitely explain some things. Like how he could feel such intense rage for a person and still love him with complete abandon. Still want him. “Relent” he told himself, “Stop tearing yourself apart with this fight. Stop worrying about what others will think. There's no shame but what you bring on yourself”
Finally composing himself, he said, “I don’t despise it. This is what I’ve been struggling with for months. I hate how much I DON”T hate you. At least now I understand why.” He pierced Spock with his gaze, “I surrender. I cannot hate you. It just isn’t in my nature. Despite everything, I can’t do anything but love you. And I’m tired of fighting it and letting pre-conceived notions of pride, self-respect and survivor’s guilt or whatever influence my behavior. Since the moment this began, all I really wanted to do was submit to it. Especially now that I know exactly what I’m submitting too. Jim sighed, “I once told Scotty that I felt cherished here. Maybe that’s why I brought us back. I don’t want to leave you!”
Spock’s lips played up at the corner, the barest hint of a smile. “You WERE cherished here T’hy’la. I am gratified that you felt that. But you cannot stay with me.”
Jim sensed panic well up within him, “What do you mean?”
“Jim, I am going to die. I cannot and will not allow you to carry this bond with you for the next five years, further developing it, only to have it taken away. It would be cruel and I have already been cruel enough.”
“What are you saying? I don’t know much about Vulcan mind games but I know this thing is til death. You told me so several times.”
“It is true that the bond can’t be broken. It can, however, be effectively blocked. It is my intention to implement that. After it is done, we will no longer be able to sense each other. You will be free.”
Forgetting his promise to stay still, Jim swung out at his old friend, the action leaving him completely exhausted. Trembling with effort, Spock extended his arm and gently stroked Jim’s hand with his first two fingers. Immediately feeling the calming permeations of his mate’s mind, Jim said, “I don’t want to be free. You’re mine, I’m yours, we’ll see this through together. You don’t have to die. I can come there when it’s time.” He paused, “Doesn’t Starfleet allow for conjugal visits?”
“Most definitely not in this case. Jim, I want you to understand me. I committed a crime against my friend and anther against my culture and the payment will be high. What’s more, it most certainly WILL be collected. I angered many important people when I chose to appear at that hearing. It was the right thing to do and I have no regrets but there are many people in power who will see me dead, both on Vulcan and in Starfleet. They will allow no “conjugal visits” I assure you. In fact, their anticipation of my prolonged and impending death during pon farr is probably the only reason that I am still alive. And you must promise me that you will stay far away from Earth and keep Mr. Scott and Mr. Chekov with you. My father and counterpart are already taking action to see to the safe removal of Miss Uhura and the good doctor from Earth. There is a good chance that some people will see you all as liabilities. I can accept my own death but I cannot accept yours.”
He paused, “Jim, I want my death. I need it. It is also a payment that is due to me. I allowed myself to live in a fashion that was dishonorable. When I released you, I knew it meant my death but I did it anyway. Through that act of selflessness, it is possible for me to reclaim my honor, but only if I see it through to the end” He sighed. “I do not wish to leave you T’hy’la. But it will only be more difficult later. Yield to the logic of this. Let me go.”
His voice was growing more distant, developing a sense of echo. Jim again tried to reach for him, but still found it too difficult to move.
“SPOCK.”
“I am growing tired. I must go now.”
“I almost couldn’t hear you.”
“Can you hear me now?”
“Yes, you're louder.”
“I am gathering my strength”
“For what?”
“For this.”
Without warning, Spock suddenly surged up and over Jim, threading his left arm beneath Jim’s shoulders and cradling his head with his right. Wasting none of the precious seconds that remained, Spock lowered his head and seized Jim’s mouth in a powerful kiss, divesting him of his senses and breath and filling him with heat. Jim struggled ineffectually to move his arms but finally let his hand loll limply against Spock’s hip, desperate to maintain as much contact as possible as Spock sensually devoured his lips. Finally, Spock pulled back and Jim’s lungs pulled in huge sucking gasps of air as Spock leaned over and nuzzled his neck before whispering gently against his ear, “Wani ra yana ro aisha, T’hy’la.”
In a flash, the pressure, the panic, the sense of calm, were all gone. Jim bolted up on his bunk in his cabin on the Aberdeen, noting that he was suddenly alone and fully dressed. Despite that, he could still feel the pressure of Spock’s lips, still feel the lingering tickle of his voice in his ear. Jim reached out through the bond he could no longer feel “A dream, you said it was a dream. Then why can I still taste you.”
This time there was no answer.