Never Did Run Smooth:Chapter Five
Title: Never Did Run Smooth
Author: Lilbatfacedgirl
Fandom: stxi
Pairing: Kirk/Spock
Rating: Mostly PG-13/R
Warning: fic deals with rape survival and recovery. Chapter rating is for language and references to past sexual abuse
Disclaimer: I don't own any of it
Summary: Spock and Jim realize letting go isn't easy. Bones and Uhura make recompense.
Chapter Five
Hours later, Jim lay awake in his cabin, nursing his splitting head and bruised stomach. Really, though, he’d experienced much worse. Four years of landing parties had led to broken noses, fingers, four cracked ribs on Ekos. Then of course there was the royal ass kicking he’d gotten from Nero. And his beatdown on the bridge, courtesy of Spock.
Jim closed his eyes against the flow of images but they rose up inside his mind, impossible to block. In times past, McCoy would be clucking over him like a mother hen right now and Spock would be calmly explaining the illogical nature of Jim’s actions. They would be stern but he would smile and they would be won over. Jim sighed. It was futile to pretend he didn’t miss them. A victory like this just wasn’t the same without them. And what, he wondered, did that say about him. Bones had betrayed him when he had needed him most but as furious and hurt as he felt, Jim couldn’t forget all the times before when Bones had been the one to save his sorry ass. Bones had dragged him home from bars, made him hangover remedies, and jumped into fights he would otherwise have avoided because he always had Jim’s back. Bones had been a damn good friend and Jim found his absence devastating.
And Spock. What Spock had done fucking defied description. The physical violation and complete domination he had experienced at Spock’s hands had left him vulnerable and humiliated. But what Jim found most unbearable was the way Spock had stripped him of his best friend. In the past, when he was angry, scared or hurting, he went to his first officer but who could he turn to when Spock was the one doing the terrorizing and causing the pain?
There were moments when he felt that he would gladly see Spock dead, even do the honors himself. Those were moments when the powerlessness of those eighteen months threatened to overtake him. But those moments were conflicted because as much as he’s like to deny it, Jim had experienced some very good feelings too. With Spock he had felt cherished, desired, and protected and those feelings managed to be heady and shameful at the same time. His pride and fear had bolstered him through the first year but he had felt their bond drawing him in, weakening his defenses, and he knew that if he hadn’t left he inevitably would’ve succumbed. As the year on New Vulcan had progressed, Spock’s erratic behavior had largely stopped and he had begun to resemble his old self. Lonely and missing his friend, despite his fears, Jim had found Spock hard to resist in every sense. In truth, there were long nights when he had clung to his leftover rage and embarrassment as a buffer to keep from rolling over and reaching out for the sleeping Vulcan. He knew that Spock wanted him, too, wanted this bond and he felt a cruel comfort in the knowledge that in the end, Spock had driven Nyota away and kept him. It was shameful and intoxicating and the conflicting emotions made Jim want to scream. Even worse, they sometimes made him want to jump ship and head back to Vulcan. What motivated this; masochism, Stockholm syndrome, the irresistibility of the bond? No, he feared it was what he had told Scotty, he feared it was love.
His fears held him back. Pain, comfort, desire, humiliation. All these emotions were dramatic and complex but the fear was simple and bleak. He had been terrified by the ease with which Spock physically dominated him. It had resurrected all sorts of insecurities about his ability to protect himself and shattered his confidence. A person who couldn’t defend himself was always a potential victim, a target, and he just couldn’t bear seeing himself in that light.
Jim now realized why Scotty had pushed him into that fight. His victory had gone a long way towards reminding the former starship captain of just what he was capable of when he put his mind to it. His confidence in his physical abilities was returning, finally allowing him to combat his fear. The irony was that the person with whom he most wanted to share this news was responsible for stealing that confidence in the first place.
Jim exhaled. Before he had become his enemy, Spock had been his best friend. Bones had been his best friend. And at this moment, despite all the hate, pain, and fear that they invoked in him, Jim just wanted them to be there. Bones was out of the question. But perhaps….
Gathering all of his strength, Jim pushed out with his mind, searching for that tiny, fleeting presence that was Spock. He was not the real telepath in this bond and he knew there was no chance of success if Spock was not actively searching for him at this very moment but he pushed anyway. Suddenly he felt it, that gentle, distant brush, like the tips of fingers just managing to bump into contact. Drawing on strength he didn’t know he had, Jim pushed out with his mind just a little more. The mental fingertips bumped, crossed, gaining just enough ground to barely thread together. Jim clung to the contact, feeling a sense of warmth and peace wash over him. The paradox of this bond, that it should be the cause of his fears and yet calm them at the same time.
What was that? He had heard something, not more than a whisper in the wind. Redoubling his energy, he pushed a little more, felt the fingertips of his mind creep just a fraction closer and then…
“Thy’la”
“Spock?”
“You are hurt”
“Bar fight”
“Ah”
Jim almost chuckled. He could almost see the eyebrow raising at him. And Spock could tell that he was hurt. But he suddenly recognized that Spock….
“Spock”
“Yes”
“You’re hurt!”
The fingers slipped. Jim clung harder but they slid fractionally again.
“SPOCK”
No words came but a sudden rush of warmth suffused Jim, like a full body static shock that left him tingling from head to toe. He reached again through the bond but didn’t find a hand to meet him. He reached out and out, as far as he could, but this time there was no one on the other end.
********************
Montgomery Scott was beginning to think that things were finally coming right with the universe. Jim Kirk had recaptured his innate ability for hell-raising and ass-kicking and Scotty had happily collected two-hundred bucks. Add to that the fact that his hardworking crew of unwashed miscreants had unloaded and reloaded the ship’s cargo in record time and Scotty thought life was just about perfect. Well, it would be perfect if Jim would get off the damn computer already.
“Och, what are ya doing. You’ve been at it for hours”
Jim didn’t even look up, “I’m looking for something.”
“What?”
Jim blinked at the computer screen in frustration. Exhaling dramatically, he turned with a slight smile on his face, “You know what? I don’t even know. I just have a bad feeling I can’t seem to shake.”
“Well, then forget it already and come out with me and the boys. If yer really feeling that poorly we can head back down the street and ya can kick a bit more tail. Besides, Pavel’s stuck on board tonight and he needs the computer. It’s the only way he gets to see women without their clothes on,” Scotty ducked as Chekov hurled a stylus at his head.
Resigned, Jim stood up and grabbed his coat, noticing how eagerly Chekov slid into the chair behind him.
“Why do you always have to pick on the poor kid?”
“Because he’s a twenty-two year old virgin…..and he keeps calling my ship a “wessel”.
Seven hours later, Scotty brought up the rear of a very drunk Aberdeen crew. As they stumbled up the gangplank, he noticed Chekov leaning against the bulkhead. The young Russian caught Scotty’s eyes and gestured for the Captain to follow him. Reaching the rec room, Chekov turned and shut the door.
“Keptin, I need to show you somezing.”
Scotty was too hammered to take in Chekov’s disturbed expression, “Shite, boy, didya fall prey to yer own overzealous right hand again. Remember Pav, if it falls off, isna gonna grow back” Falling over himself with laughter, Scotty plunked down on the rec room couch and looked at his first mate expectantly. He quickly realized that Chekov didn’t look annoyed or amused. In fact, the kid looked miserable and a little nauseous. Suddenly concerned, Scotty shook his head to clear it a little. “Okay, laddie, let’s have it.”
“Keptin, before you left, Jim vas searching for federation news vreels,” Chekov paused and Scotty had the sinking sensation that he was gearing up to drop a bomb,” Vell, vhile you vere out, a breaking news report came in on one of the channels. You need to take a look.” Chekov walked over and keyed up the computer.
Catching Chekov’s worried eyes, Scotty walked over and sat at the console. Exhaling softly, he began to read.
“The Judge Advocate General’s Office will be convening a hearing…………. Two ranked commissioned officers, formerly of the USS Enterprise have offered up testimony…………………..the first Vulcan to enlist in Starfleet, Captain Spock cha Sarek (ret.), former captain of……………………Vulcan High Council will cease to block extradition………………….. details remain sketchy but the charges seem to revolve around accusations of assault and kidnapping against Captain Spock perpetrated against his former commanding officer¸ Captain James Tiberius Kirk (ret.), also of the USS Enter………….. SHIT………….Shit, shit, shit!!!!!!!!!!!”
Scotty flew out of the console chair, rage mounting and threatening to explode. He quickly scanned the room for a possible target that wasn’t his ship or his first mate. Eyes landing on the old couch, the captain proceeded to pummel and kick the unfortunate piece of furniture, firing off a string of expletives that would have made other Scotsmen blush. Finally, his anger spent, he collapsed into the abused couch and put his head in his hands.
“This is exactly what I wanted to avoid, Pavel. THIS is what I dinna want ta happen. I knew I’d find a way ta get him away someday. I just dinna want everyone to know. How is he supposed to live with it now? Don’t those two ever, EVER think,” and he drove another solid punch into the arm of the couch.
“Those two, Keptin?”
“Yes, Mr. Chekov, those two commissioned officers. The one who’s a doctor……and the one who’s a bitch!”
Chekov digested this. Yes, Sulu was too removed from the situation. It could only be Uhura and McCoy. Ironic, seeing as how Uhura had been so dead set on them all keeping their damn mouths shut.
Chekov sank into the couch next to Scotty, “Vhat do ve do now, Keptin”
Scotty sighed loudly, “We gather some info. It’s time we put that boy genius brain ta work again. And when we have a firm handle on the situation, we tell him. In the meantime, let him sleep,” Leaning his head back and closing his eyes, he thought, “Jesus Christ, when does the poor chap finally get a break.”