That's Why You Close Your Eyes: Chapter Eight

[lilbatfacedgirl]

Title: That's Why You Close Your Eyes
Author: Lilbatfacedgirl
Beta: juliench1 
Rating: PG-13 for this chapter
Pairing: Spock/Kirk/McCoy
Warnings: Language, angst

Summary: Jim and Bones 2gether 4ever, til Spock gets in the way



Chapter Eight

The set-down was sloppy, hard and jolting as the landing gear connected with the ground. Jim grimaced, but bore the impact quietly. If there was one thing he had been reminded of during the past three weeks, it was that eyes were always on him, some admiring, and some just salivating over the prospect of his first royal fuck-up. In light of that fact, he kept his mouth shut, but his outward show of patience didn’t stop idle thoughts from popping into his head. Spock would probably be citing the proper landing procedures verbatim from the shuttle’s flight manual in a disdainful tone just slightly varnished with a tinge of respect. Bones, though, would be tearing the pilot a new asshole while furiously wiping the remains of his lunch off his shoes. Jim smiled.

/“I might throw up on you.”/

/”Don’t be such an infant.”/

/”I saw, Jim./

The smile vanished. The sick, twisting knot that had plagued him non-stop for the past six months reared up in his stomach again as his brief, happy jaunt down memory lane was sucked back into his current harsh reality. Because yeah, he might’ve managed to beg and plead and convince Bones to let Spock finish the bond, but that didn’t mean his doctor was any closer to forgiving him. And why should he, really? Jim sure hadn’t done a damn thing to make himself seem worth it.

He’d been away for three whole weeks. Three weeks with just the two of them, without a buffer, or whatever he was. Hell, a hindrance, for all he knew, but if there was one thing he was sure of, it was that without him there to temper the situation, some kind of confrontation would have gone down in the penthouse. He’d been denied electronic communications while at the conference so, as far as he could tell, they’d killed each other and he’d stumble upon their corpses amidst the rubble of their apartment. Okay, so not really. He’d have felt that over the bond, at least. Still, though…

Or maybe they’d be gone.

The knot in his stomach cramped as this now familiar thought raced to the surface again. Why not, right? Spock had been using his own shielding mechanisms to help teach Bones to cope with their bond even before Starfleet had sent him to the conference, and it had been wreaking havoc on Jim and Spock’s own link. Pair that up with the physical distance and Jim had barely been able to sense them for weeks. They could be gone, for all he knew, just vanished forever, leaving him to his own meager devices.  He knew them both, after all, knew how inherently brilliant and moral and good they both were. It had probably taken Spock’s subconscious less than thirty point two seconds to realize that Bones was so amazing that he just had to have him. Hell, why would they even need him? Bones and Spock had been fucking married, technically. He’d actually been the one to horn his way in on them.

He picked up his bag and flung it over his shoulder, waving off his official escort and heading out across the campus. Class was in session as he strode across the grounds, much to his relief. He was not in the mood to be gawked at or peppered with questions by the eager new recruits who recognized his now-famous face. He needed to walk, to think, and, above all, to plan. That, after all, had really been the root of his problem when Bones had first come back. He’d just been flailing about randomly, with absolutely no idea how to begin to make the amends to his justifiably livid mate.

Mate.

The word caused something warm to swell in his chest, fighting it out with the cold, clenching knot in his stomach. Yeah, Bones was his mate. He had actually lived up to dear old dad in one respect, managed to marry the love of his life, and look how even that had turned into a Grade-A Snafu. Hell, was there nothing in the universe he couldn’t turn to shit?

Well, he wasn’t just going to walk back in there and start flying by the seat of his pants again. His personal leadership style might involve a lot of improvisation but for something this high-stakes, he needed to think through his strategy and develop a plan of action. This wasn’t a negotiation or a diplomatic rendezvous or even a damn rescue mission. This was Bones, and he just couldn’t risk failure.

He’d been weighing his options for the past three weeks, systematically examining and rejecting different approaches. Humility had seemed like a good option, and Jim had briefly considered simply throwing himself prostrate on the floor at his doctor’s feet and begging. He would’ve meant it, too, but ultimately that idea had fallen by the wayside. He’d already begged and pleaded his heart out just to get Bones to consent to the bonding, and while he was more than willing to do it again and again if that was what Bones needed, he had a feeling that penance wasn’t really the problem. Bones knew him so he knew he was sorry. He would have known it even without the newly formed bond to give them access to each other’s inner-most thoughts. No, he didn’t have to convince Bones he was sorry. All he really needed to prove to the ultra-cantankerous love of his life was that he could still trust him.

And it would probably be easier to teach needlepoint to a Klingon.

Trust was fragile and nobody knew that better than Jim Kirk. His own sense of trust had been carefully guarded until Pike had shown up, his hand-me-no-bullshit-and-tell-me-no-lies brand of tough love propelling Jim out of his cocoon of careless delinquency. That had been the first step, but it had paled in comparison to his first encounter with Bones. Pissed as hell and rough around the edges, the lividly beautiful doctor had effortlessly stolen him away. Spock was right. They’d been bonded from the start, never-mind all these Vulcan mind links.  What lay between them was deep and empathic, completely natural and well worth defending. And he would have, too, to the death, if necessary. From everyone, it seemed, except himself.

Bones’ trust was an exceptionally precious gift, and how had he repaid it; with lies and fear and weak-willed excuses.

The firm click of his boots of the stone walkway provided a soothing cadence to his racing thoughts. He had also trusted Spock, both Spocks to be precise. He’d trusted the older one first, trusted that the relationships the ambassador had shown him were real and of worth. If he wanted to be completely honest, there were times when he was furious with the old guy for giving him those images in the first place. If the older Vulcan had just left well-enough alone, wouldn’t they have found each other anyway? And then he would never have doubted his instincts, would never have believed he had to make some kind of choice, and the three of them would’ve come together on their own. His breath hitched slightly in frustration as he walked, quelling the slight wave of righteous indignation. Dammit, he wasn’t just some thoughtless cheater! Nothing in the world would have made him mess up what he’d had with Bones, nothing except the absolute guarantee of some incredible love match that would change the world. Now, though, he knew the whole truth, and with that new-found security came the utmost confidence that nothing would ever pull him away from Bones again.

And that, of course, was the rub. How could he convince his doctor, his beautiful, hurt, understandably furious doctor that Jim Kirk really was worth the risk, because no matter what excuses he might offer up to himself in order to get to sleep at night, no justification in the world would clear away the facts. He’d cheated, plain and simple. If he wanted Bones’ trust back, he’d have to earn it, and as the door to their apartment building loomed before him, he still had no idea how to start.

He took the stairs, praying the extra time would yield up some profound insight, but no grand master plan sprang to mind. He stood outside the door for several moments, using his own meager abilities to reach across the bond, searching them out through the walls. He felt nothing and he palmed open the door to an empty apartment. Scattered about, though, in a neat, orderly fashion, was incontrovertible evidence of their presence; some medical PADDS, Enterprise rosters, a snapshot of Joanna. Jim breathed a sigh of relief. Wherever they were, they weren’t gone for good and that impractical but very real fear drained out of him. With a heavy sigh, he walked into the bedroom, tossing his bag to the side and heading for the shower.

The warm curtain of water was heavenly against his back, stiff and sore from days of sitting idly in a straight backed chair, but Jim could barely appreciate the relief. The floor, the tiles, the very air of the stall seemed to scream their presence. They’d been there, together. They’d touched and held and loved each other in that shower. Leaning back against the wall, he concentrated on the fleeting sensations, lapping up the tattered remnants of their presence. What to do, what to do? He should probably start by talking to Spock. When he’d left, they’d still been at an equal loss about Bones, but the Vulcan had to have some good insight now. All he had to do was find him. Closing his eyes, he reached out carefully across their bond, pressing gingerly at the blocked channel in frustration.

A sharp, sudden pull on his mind brought all of his planning to a screeching halt. He felt something, far away, but coming closer; the staccato of footsteps on a woolen rug, the smooth surface of keypads under steady and sure fingers, the swooshing breeze of a door sliding open to admit a body. The pull increased, and he snapped off the water, snatching up a towel and throwing it around his waist. The footsteps were coming closer, navigating the hallway with determined strides. He knew those steps, knew intimately the feet and legs that beat that even cadence into the rug. He’d touched them, kissed them, slipped between them in the dead of night. Shit, shit, shit. There would be no planning, no quick sit-down with Spock because Bones was walking down the hallway and he, Jim, was flinging open the bathroom door.

Their eyes met, gazing across the vast bedroom, open and vulnerable, and Jim nearly sighed.

Time for the reckoning.

They stared at each other for long moments, words unnecessary beneath the wave of emotions that ricocheted between them. Jim was half-staggered by the volume of feelings being flung his way, but even beneath the onslaught, he couldn’t help but drink in the sight of Bones. He’d missed him so damned much, the kind of lonely ache that shredded a heart. And it wasn’t recent, not for him. This had been going on for fucking months and he just didn’t give a damn anymore. Whatever he had to do, whatever he had to say or promise or surrender, he would do it if it only meant that he could curl up around Bones at night and breathe his scent as he slept.

The look on his doctor’s face seemed almost passive, but Jim could see the fire in Bones’ eyes. Jim felt scorched beneath the probing glare but he fought to hold the gaze, refusing to look away. No, if this was some kind of damn test, he was going to show Bones he was serious.

“You look relieved.” The trill of Bones voice broke through the silence as the doctor finally tore his gaze away, drifting idly to the dresser and toying with an abandoned comb. “Why?”

Jim shrugged heavily but answered with the truth. “I thought you might be gone.”

Bones’ eyes shot up again, his brow quirked in confusion. “You thought we’d be gone. Spock and me? Why? Where the hell would we go?”

The look Jim shot him was withering and desperate. “Why? Please Bones, don’t bullshit me. I know I deserve it, but, just don’t. Are you going to look at me and tell me that after three weeks together, you two haven’t figured your shit out?” At Bones quickly averted gaze, Jim huffed and nodded his head. “Yeah, I thought so. In only three weeks, you two managed to pull yourselves together, right? Right,” he demanded sharply.

Pushing off the dresser, Bones strode three paces to stare him down across the bed. “Yeah, Jim, we worked through some shit. We had some pretty damned mind-blowing sex, too. I mean phenomenal. Toe-curling. I damned near screamed myself hoarse from it. And you know what? I don’t feel bad about it, not the littlest bit. So, is there something you want to say to me?”

The fire in Bones’ eyes was blazing with fresh intensity as he glared at Jim in open challenge. A knot of panic lodged in Jim’s throat as his own words played out in his head. What the hell was he doing? Anger? He was actually coming at Bones in anger when he should already be on his damn knees.

With a deep breath, Jim stepped forward slowly, his hands raised in surrender and his eyes on the ground. The damned towel at his waist was awkward but hell, it wasn’t like he didn’t deserve to feel vulnerable and exposed. It sure couldn’t be worse than finding your lover in the arms of another man, right? Stopping several paces from Bones’ tense frame, he looked up carefully.

“I’m sorry, okay. I don’t have any right to give you an attitude. But dammit, Bones, I know you guys too well. Of course you fixed your shit and …”

Bones snorted, “Not all of it, Jim. Not by a long shot.”

The look Jim shot him was pleading. “I know that. How could you. My point is that you tried. You made some progress, right? I know you did because that’s just who you are. Neither one of you is exactly the type to just sit back and let things fester.” Hell, this was too damn much. Three quick strides brought him to his dresser, and he yanked open the top drawer and retrieved a pair of boxers. Casting the towel to one side, he dragged on the underwear and wheeled back around, nearly missing the slight flare in Bones’ eyes. The pressure in his chest was vice-like, cutting and choking, and he just couldn’t stand it anymore.

“I love you,” he bit out forcefully, “I do. I love you completely and totally. I always have, from the first damn minute I laid eyes on you and I always fucking will, whether you believe it or not, okay, even if you fight me on it forever. I know that I fucked up royally but dammit, Bones, you know me well enough to know that I didn’t just run out on you because I was bored or horny or drunk. You know what the reason was. I’m not saying it was a good one, or that it makes it okay, because nothing makes it okay, but it’s a reason and we need to talk about it. We need to talk about it.”

Pausing to suck down a breath, Jim let his half-desperate gaze run over his doctor. Bones’ face was practically fucking unreadable, but the lines of tension around his mouth were a dead damn give-away. Bones was livid, furious even, but that would have to be okay because if they didn’t give him an outlet for his anger, Jim knew they’d never be able to start to heal. A little more, then. A little extra push.

“Will you let me talk, Bones? Will you let me try to explain?”

The fire and tension on Bones’ face were starting to crack his façade, but his voice remained calm as he bit out a terse, “Fine, Jim. I’ll listen, but I’ve heard most of it before. You already told me you love me. You already told me you’re sorry, and let me just tell you, it didn’t make me feel all better. So what knew tricks do you have up your sleeve now?”

Jim sighed. “I deserve that but I promise you that I don’t have any tricks. All I have are bad explanations for bad choices.” Turning away from Bones probing stare, he leaned heavily against the dresser. “Look, there’s nothing I can offer you that will make this all better. You know that. I can sit here and tell you I’m sorry until I choke on the words, which might just be what I deserve, but that wouldn’t help the situation we’re in. If we’re going to get better, then I need to be able to show you I’m sorry, not just tell you, but I can’t do that until you start letting me get close again. And you won’t do that until I can give you the slightest reason to trust me, just a little bit. We need that, Bones. We need that tiny cornerstone to build on. So, can I talk to you, please? Can I lay down that damned stone?”

Bones wanted to say no. Jim knew all his tells and every instinct he possessed was screaming that Bones was going to run. His own self-control was hanging by a tenuous string as he turned and watched the hazel eyes screw up in concentrated indecision. He wanted to move forward, to take some kind of action, to grab onto to Bones and shake him and beg him to see reason. Instead, he clawed at the lip of the dresser, leaning back against his own hands and pinning himself into immobility. And he waited.

He felt the tendrils first, curling around the edge of his mind with dedication and care, exploring the channel of the bond. It was soothing and shocking at the same time and he instinctually reached out, calling for Spock. Had he come home? Was he trying to pass on some kind of vital information? No, it couldn’t be that. The flavor, the essence, wasn’t Spock, but was familiar and comforting nonetheless. Clarity suddenly fractured as his eyes shot up just in time to hear the faint, whispered, hesitant voice in his mind.

“Jim?”

His pupils blew wide and his whole body jolted with the electrical sensation of feeling Bones inside him. Their eyes locked, fear and insecurity fighting it out with a rampant, desperate need to heal and feel whole again. He couldn’t pull away, wouldn’t even if he could, and his own mind pushed out on its own accord, the scattered tendrils of his own psyche reaching and grasping for Bones. It was faint and taxing to maintain, but the sensation was real.

“How the hell are you doing this?” he panted.

Bones’ brow quirked a bit, though his expression remained strained. “Spock’s been teaching me all the stuff he taught you.”

“Okay, but I can’t do this. I can’t actually open the bond up on my own. He always did that.”

Bones shrugged, his expression challenging. “You can. Not like he can but we just need to be able to open it enough to feel each other.” Jim’s expression turned doubtful and Bones sighed. “You know, we used to do this without even knowing it, without even having a formal link in our heads. Are you saying we’ve lost that?”

Bones eyes looked pained and a bolt of furious determination went off inside of Jim. Hell, no, they hadn’t lost that. They couldn’t. They needed it too damned much. He pushed out harder, shoving against the wall in his mind. The edges seemed soft, permeable, and he found himself pressing through, feeling Bones just on the other side. It felt like a curtain, a thin, flexible barrier that allowed muted sensation to leak through but prevented physical touch, and they pressed together through it, running up and down the encroaching material, clawing and searching for a rent. Their eyes burned into each other’s, their faces drawn in concentration, and suddenly there it was, a miniscule tear in the clothe, just big enough to allow the barest fragments of their connection. He pushed hard, reaching through and grasping, wispy fingertips intertwining, and suddenly he was inundated with emotion, with fear and longing and bitter pain. Panic threatened, but he beat it back, for while the emotional onslaught was painful as hell, it was also beautifully familiar. He knew this connection, had felt it spark for the first time on a shuttle out of Iowa, and he would have endured anything to keep it now that he had it back.

Staring into the hazel eyes across the room, he couldn’t help but give a little smile. “I’m pretty impressed here.”

Bones blinked. “Yeah, well, don’t be. This is just how we work now. Get used to it.” He dropped his eyes, but Jim could see the faintest trace of satisfaction that glimmered on their surface. “Alright, Jim. You want to talk to me. Go for it.”

Jim nodded. “Okay, first of all, you’re right. You do know most of this. You know I met up with the ambassador on Delta Vega and that he melded with me and dropped the whole Nero story on me, right. You know that he talked to Spock and told him all about our relationship from his time and stuff. Well, there was one thing I never really got to explain. When I let the ambassador meld with me, he’d just watched Nero destroy Vulcan. He was, by his own declaration, emotionally compromised, and he leaked a ton of stuff into my head that he probably didn’t intend. Some of it kind of stayed behind.”

Bones face looked churlish. “Stayed behind. You’re telling me he left memories in your head?”

Jim sighed. “No, not whole memories or anything. Just sensations, feelings, I guess, but nothing concrete. It was just…”

“Residue?”

Jim stared at him. “Yeah, okay, residue. Yeah, just like the ambassador…” His voice faltered as he made the connection. “Oh.”

Bones glowered, shaking his head in anger, “Yeah, exactly. He left residue in your head, Jim. Christ! The old guy leaves stuff in your head, Spock leaves stuff in mine, his older, evil twin left stuff in my older self’s head. What’s wrong with these guys? They think they can just leave their shit everywhere!”

“Hell, Bones, he didn’t do it on purpose!”

“None of them did it on purpose, but they still did it.” Jim felt a stab of fierce protectiveness wash over him and he wallowed in it unabashedly as Bones stared at him with a suddenly clinical eye. “Are you okay? Give me an honest answer, please. Whatever it was, did Spock fix it?”

Jim nodded. “Yeah, he fixed it. And I don’t want you to think I’m shifting blame here, because he took care of it the first time we ever melded, long before anything happened…”

“Long before you fucked him?”

Jim grimaced. “Yeah.”

Bones nodded slowly, his eyes distant. “Okay, so you obviously mentioned it for some reason. Spill.”

Jim shut his eyes. “Look, I just want you to understand that I didn’t just hear about this incredible relationship I was supposed to have with Spock. For awhile there, I actually felt it, actually experienced the depth of that connection. It wasn’t my connection and I know that, but I felt what he and I could be and it was really incredible. He told us we would accomplish incredible things together, and that was exciting, but the main draw was that feeling. I realized that I had been madly in love with this man in a different universe, not because I was told about it but because I fucking felt it, and it felt amazing.

But, see, all I did was feel. I just let myself sink into it and lap it up. If I’d actually taken some time to think about it, I’d have realized that it also felt incredibly fucking familiar because whatever it was that the ambassador left in my head, it wasn’t about me and Spock. It was about me and Spock and you. I didn’t know it consciously but I still knew it and did nothing. There were a million things I could’ve done and I didn’t do any of them. I just kept ignoring the situation because I couldn’t deal with the possibility of losing one of you, but even then I never actually tried to talk to either of you about it.

So, when it comes right down to it, this is all my fault. It is absolutely all my fault. I don’t deny it and I’m sorry. I am so fucking sorry it hurts. But that doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t change the past or the present. The only thing that can be changed is the future, and I guess that’s up to you, Bones. Can you forgive me? Is it even possible?”

Bones voice was heavy with calm dejection as he broke eye contact and paced towards the window.  “Hell, Jim. I caught you fucking him. And then you were going to crawl into bed with me without saying a fucking word. What possible excuse can you offer me for that?”

The powerful force of raging emotion tore out of him, ricocheting off the walls and stopping Bones dead in his tracks. “Because I fucking needed you, okay. Yes, I did every damn thing you are accusing me of, and yes, there is no fucking excuse in the world that will ever, ever, justify it, but the simple truth of it is that I needed you, okay. I needed you. After I kissed him, after I fucked him, after I melded with him, even, it wasn’t enough. I still needed you. I will always need you. And I need him and from what I can see, the two of you seem to need each other.” He paused for a moment to catch his spent breath, sinking slowly to the ground beneath the weight of his own words. The urge to avoid Bones’ piercing stare was strong but he wouldn’t, would not, allow cowardice to govern his actions again. Forcing himself to meet Bones’ eyes, he said simply. “Everything the old guy told me is true, Bones. You know it is. I need him and he needs me and I need you and he needs you and you need him so there’s only one question left. Do you need me?”

The weight of Bones’ eyes on him was suffocating but he forced his gaze to stay steady. “Honestly, Bones, I don’t think you do. You’re stronger than me. If we hadn't had the bond to contend with, you would’ve eventually healed from this and moved on. But now you’re stuck in a marriage you didn’t ask for and didn’t want and it’s all my damn fault.”

The agonizing knot in his stomach finally burst, sending waves of nausea coursing through his body. “Shit, Bones, you don’t even know. You don’t even really know what I cost us. What they had together, Spock, me, you, in the future. It was fucking incredible. They saved worlds, ended wars, cured diseases, and all because it was the three of them. I mean, they were doing this even before they were officially together. So, that’s what I broke, Bones. That’s what I stole from us with my cowardice and stupidity, because I knew, dammit. I fucking knew we were all supposed to be together. I knew and I did nothing, just pretended everything was going to be okay, pretended I wasn’t doing anything wrong.”

Jim Kirk didn’t cry. He didn’t fucking cry, but the tears coursing down his cheeks just mocked him and called him a liar. “So I guess I answered my own question. You shouldn’t need me. You shouldn’t need anyone who could take something so precious and just mangle it all to shit. God, I fucked up, Bones. I fucked up so bad and why the hell did it have to be this, huh? Why the hell did the first thing I really truly screwed up have to be you?”

“Jim?”

“What?”

“Shut the fuck up.”

His tirade was cut off by the harsh tone of Bones’ voice, but as his eyes blinked away their thick curtain of tears, he saw the faintest whisper of amusement flicker across Bones’ own stare.

“Just shut up, already. God, how long have you had this loop of bullshit running through your damn head?”

“I don’t know. Six, eight months. As long as I’ve had a reason to feel like a piece of shit.”

“Are you?”

“What?”

“Are you shit, Jim?”

He glared. He couldn’t help it. “Yeah.”

“No. No, you’re not. People have been trying to tell you that you are your whole life, but you’re not. What is it that you’re thinking here? You think it’s going to make me feel better if I’m the one who finally breaks you? Let me tell you something, kid. I’m a damn doctor, okay. We don’t break things. We’re the ones who put them back together.”

Jim stared up dazedly at the suddenly calm, inscrutable expression of his doctor, leaning tiredly against the footboard. Bones looked haggard and in need of a nap, but the fire-breathing rage of only moments ago had disappeared without a trace. Pulling himself back to his feet, he perched awkwardly on the dresser. “Why are you suddenly so calm?”

“Maybe you made me feel better.”

“Oh, bullshit…”

“No, go with horseshit. It smells worse. Trust me.  I know what I’m talking about.”

Jim’s gaze turned incredulous. “What, you’re making jokes now?”

“You’d rather I knock your head off.”

Jim blinked. “Yes,” he said honestly, “At least I’d know where I stand with that. This scares the hell out of me. What are you thinking?”

Bones’ face betrayed nothing. “I don’t know, Jim. What should I be thinking?”

Jim snorted, “Well, let’s see. That I’m an ass, that I deserve a horsewhipping, that you’re better off without me. Any of those things sound pretty valid.”

Bones shook his head, his gaze even and firm. “Actually, I’m thinking that I’m going to forgive you.”

If he had to be honest, the first sensation that hit him in the aftermath of that little bomb was the soaring feeling of sweet relief.   Forgive. God, how he’d needed to hear that word from Bones’ mouth. The sound of it was balm to his frayed psyche. “Bones, what the hell are you talking about. It can’t be that easy.” The doctor made a move to say something, but Jim just cut him off. “No, okay, no, you don’t just forgive me for something like this. I don’t fucking deserve it, okay. I know you. You’re strong and you don’t give in. You fight like hell for everything and you’d fight like hell for this. I might need you but you don’t need me. You’re strong enough without me.”

Bones nodded. “Yeah, you’re right. I am strong enough. So are you. But we’re stronger together. He’s right, you know, the ambassador. We do complement each other. And I think you two will do a hell of a lot together, but if there’s one thing I know I can do, its hold you two accountable. We could accomplish so much.”

“But it’s not fair. You don’t want it. You shouldn’t have to…”

“Jim?”

“What?”

“I do want it.”

“Really.” Jim could hear the hope in his own voice. Bones shot him an ugly look but the hazel eyes were softening.

“Yes, Jim, really, and don’t look at me like that. You know it’s true. I want you and I need you. You brought me back from the edge and I don’t know who else could’ve done that, which should help you understand what the hell you did to me when you took it all away.”

Jim nodded. “I do get it.”

“Do you?”

“Yeah,” he replied vehemently, “Yeah, I do, and I’ll never fucking do it again.”

Bones nodded. “And how do I know that?”

“Because you know me,” he bit out, “You fucking know me. I fucked up badly but I will do what I always do and learn from my dumbass mistakes, okay. I’ve learned to trust my instincts. I’ve learned that I need you and that I will never, ever risk losing you again. I’ve learned that I would be willing to do anything to make it up to you.”

“Really?”

Jim glared. “Yes, Bones, really.”

The doctor’s molten fury was completely gone, replaced by a look of contemplation and a calm, almost playful voice as he asked, “So, what exactly would you be willing to do?”

Jim’s eyes were tired and red-rimmed as he stared. “What am I willing to do? Anything, okay. I will do anything. If you want me to beg, I will. If you want me to give up the ship, I will.”

Bones snorted, “Can’t have that. You do have worlds to save, you know.”

Jim’s mouth tightened. “You think those worlds really need my help?” he muttered.

Bones’ head jerked up, the tinge of amusement fading from his face. “Yeah, Kid. Yeah, I do. Unless, of course, the old guy was lying to you, in which case we have bigger problems, since this whole damned situation is based on the presumption that he’s telling the truth. Is he lying, Jim?”

“No,” he said tiredly, “No, he’s not.”

“No, he’s not. He’s not lying. He’s telling you the goddamned truth. I know it because I know you. You will change the universe, you will make a huge difference, you and the bloody hobgoblin, and if you think I’m going to get in the way of that for my own personal needs then you’re the one who doesn’t know me.”

Turning away sharply, Bones strode towards the window, leaning a hand heavily on the glass as he continued. “I get it, okay. You need me to give you some step-by-step game plan to obtain absolution. You’d do anything, too, you really would, because you don’t believe in no-win situations and that includes winning me back.

I know you’re a man of action and for you that means actually doing something, but what am I supposed to ask you to do? Let me hurt you, get my revenge, collect my pound of flesh? That might make you feel better, but what about me? Do you think that’s going to help me?”

He turned around slowly, his eyes sad but resolved as he met Jim’s gaze. “I can forgive you, Jim. It’ll take me time but I can forgive you. The question is whether or not you can forgive yourself, because I’m not going to give you anything. Not some heroic quest or some gallant opportunity for self-sacrifice or even a laundry list of stupid stunts for you to check off. You’re going to have to find a way to let go of everything you did to me on your own because I already gave enough and I’m not going to become someone I’m not. I don’t need revenge, even if you need me to take it. So you deal with this. You find a way to simply let it go. I know how hard that’ll be for you and as far as I can see, that’s punishment enough.

You’re right, you know, “he continued, his hazel eyes scanning Jim’s incredulous face. “About everything. You do need him and he does need you and you sure as hell need me and for some god damned reason I need you, too. It would’ve ended up like this anyway. You should have trusted yourself, Jim, and us. I would’ve flipped out, screamed and yelled and stopped speaking to you for days or weeks and Spock would’ve logically argued points with you until you were ready to smack him, but the seed would’ve been planted in our heads. He and I have been inside each other in every way possible by now. We know each other, really know each other, and there’s no way we wouldn’t have eventually given in to it. Our own damn scientific curiosity would’ve gotten the better of us, if nothing else.

But you’re right about something else, too,” he said as he pushed away from the window and strode towards the dresser. “All the would’ves and should’ves don’t matter anymore. It’s not like we can fix them.”

Jim felt his heart leap as Bones strode towards him, his face set in determination as he came to a halt in front of him. His hands literally itched to reach out and touch but he forced them to stay glued to the dresser as Bones met his gaze. “Listen, Jim, what happens from here on out is totally in our hands. No one’s interfering anymore and all the cards are on the table. It’s on us now, to mess it up or make it work.”

Warm hands, firm and confident, suddenly planed up his chest, skimming over his shoulders and working at the tension in the back of his neck. His breath caught at the touch he’d feared he never feel again, and unwanted tears began to pool in his eyes as Bones pressed their foreheads together and said, “And just so you know, Kid, I love you enough to fight like hell for it.”

Whatever meager control he’d been exerting to keep his hands to himself snapped completely beneath the meaningful weight of those words. His arms lashed out, flinging themselves around Bones’ back, clutching the doctor in an unbreakable clamp. He grappled and clung, unable to hold Bones tight enough as he burrowed into the crook of his neck, pressing light kisses and whispering his love against the familiar skin.

And he cried…and cried, until his eyes and throat burned and his arms trembled with the exertion of keeping Bones close. His legs were jelly as his doctor slowly pulled him forward to topple them down on the bed, but his arms still fought instinctively to hold him tight.

“Jim, you’re exhausted. You need to get some sleep.”

Bones eyes were soft with concern above him and he nodded despite himself. “I will, okay, I promise, but please just stay with me. Please don’t leave.”

His voice sounded desperate and pleading but he couldn’t even start to care as Bones kicked off his shoes and pants and quickly slipped them both between the blankets, resting their heads on one pillow. Arms held and lips sought and a voice echoed quietly, gently, through his mind.

“Sleep, Jim.”

And he did.

*

The room was dark, barely illuminated by the city lights trickling through the window, when he awoke suddenly. His body was still exhausted, his mind still thick with sleep, but he had sensed something and it had jarred him momentarily awake. He felt the presence across the bond a moment before the mattress dipped and a warm, solid form spooned up behind and pressed a kiss to his throat. He felt strong arms envelope him, slipping beneath his shoulder to hold him close, fingers skimming down his body to tangle intimately with Bones’ hand. He smiled as the block on the bond dissolved and the voice he’d missed filled his mind.

“Based on your current proximity, I am assuming it is now acceptable to open the bond.”

He nodded, “Yeah, we’re good. Well, not good, really, but we’re okay.”

“You will be able to forgive yourself?”

“I’m going to give it everything I have. Wait, how did you…”

“Know that Leonard would ask this? What else could he ask? He is a healer, Jim, and I told you even while still on the ship that he would not demand anything punitive from you. He knows you well enough to determine that this would be the most appropriate of punishments. Do you disagree?”

Jim grimaced. “No, it’s pretty damn near perfect.” Twisting his head around, he caught the Vulcan’s eye, “Are you two really going to be okay.”

Spock looked away, “Doctor, Jim has concerns.”

He let his body go limp as he was rolled on his back. The two forms flanking his body pushed up on an elbow, looking down at him with matching hints of amusement in their eyes. He stared up eagerly, watching the two of them side by side, so different, so beautiful, so perfect together. Spock shifted, a hand flicking out quickly to cup Bones’ face and their lips were together, teasing and gentle and loving as they explored each other’s mouths. Jim’s breath caught and a jolt rushed through his body as he drank in the single sexiest thing he’d ever seen. Breaking away with trace reluctance, they burrowed down on either side of him, lips and hands pressing and seeking against his skin.

“Feel better now, Kid?”

He smiled, “Hell, yeah.”

“I desire this to work, Jim, as does Leonard. Do you?”

“C’mon, Spock. You know I do.”

“Then that is what shall be.”

Chapter Seven

A/N: I know I promised that Tor would be making his re-appearance this chapter but angry make-up angst takes a lot of space.  Now that everything is on the road to recovery, though, he will show up, just in time to piss on everyone's daffodils.  Sorry, guys!