(no subject)
I dunno how much longer I can take these sleepness nights...just thinking...crying...does it come 2 an end? It's like every conversation always ends w/ some type of negativity. If only I wasn't so stupid. If only I had never met David. That pathetic piece of shit. Who was I trying 2 kid? What the fuck was i trying 2 prove?!?! The only thing i achieved was having Nathan hating me..and me now hating myself..Y can't i think 4 myself? I ruined it...I ruined it all...It's bad enough that I hurt the most important person 2 me in my life...Not only did I hurt Nathan, but I hurt our relationship..I remember letting everything out...His voice...shakey..I really fucked up...I don't deserve to be in this relationship. He deserves 2 feel on top of the world, he should feel as if he's got no reason 2 b unhappy..and what do i do? NOTHING..I don't make him feel important, I don't make him happy. Sometimes I feel as if I'm being selfish for keeping us 2gether..He says the only reason y we're 2gether is bc of love..Supposedly his mom told him he can love someone and not be w/ them...Im dreading 4 it 2 happen...But in my heart I feel as if the best thing 2 do would just let him go...But it's 2 difficult..Difficult bc im so sure that I'm suppose 2 be w/ him..But is he suppose 2 b w/ me? Maybe sometimes..maybe just love isn't a good enough reason 2 keep 2 people 2gether. I don't know..Im so lost...I wrote him like a 6 page letter that i was gonna give 2 him b4 he left 4 school...It talked about everything...How we would talk online, how I could joke around w/ him. We didn't even meet yet. Crazy I know, but what can i say? I fell inlove w/ someone just by talking 2 them and never seeing their face..It talked about the first time we met. I could not stop smiling. I remember my 16th birthday. Ashley took a picture of me and him in my basement..I put that picture in the letter I wrote..Along w/ all the movie stubs I kept..Even the movies we saw when we were broken up. I dunno what 2 do..Im just so lost. I don't wanna hurt him anymore..Maybe it would b better if we did break up..I don't wanna break up bc I don't want him thinking that I don't care. I care so much. I care so much that I'd rather c him extremely happy w/ another girl and not c him miserable w/ me...I don't wanna b selfish anymore..I wanna be able 2 give him everything..And if everything means leaving him alone..I wanna do it..I've caused 2 much pain..I've caused 2 much misery..He doesn't deserve this..I don't deserve him..My last paycheck went 2 him. Well no, but I put a lot of effort into trying 2 get him things..Yeh..he doesn't know about the stuffed animal I made him build a bear 4 him..I dunno if i should give it 2 him or not..It's really cute though..."Silly Nerd" yeh..our nicknames combined...I dunno, sometimes I think that im just not good enough..Not just 4 him..even 4 myself..I feel as if ive failed everyone..I just want him 2 b happy. I love him so much..I wanna make him happy..Sometimes I don't think I'm the 1 4 him...But i know he's the 1 4 me..How is that possible? I don't know. I hate myself 4 all of this..My parents r right about everything...Every situation that has happened 2 me...I brought upon myself...