ok i did it
ok so is it possible for a person to change over a year and a half.....this is a serious question.
yes so i speak about derek. yes....that's right, the one that moved to colorado. oops but wait he moved back to michigan because he didn't want to be away from his family....he was in denver to "find himself." alrighty. so supposedly he found everything he needed to find because he contacted me to let me know that he is back for good and "i would really like to see you".....you can see where this is going.
for about 3 weeks i debated with myself, and discussed with my parents on whether or not this is a wise decision. my parents were as surprised as i was that he had contacted me in the first place. but anyway, so i think to myself....do i really want to give this guy the time of day at all? do i even want to waste my time? is another chance even possible? but then again, is that even what he's pursuing? the only clear decision i had in my head if i chose to see him and this was only a friends type deal that i'm out. i have plenty of friends, plenty of male friends too. i don't need anymore guy friends!!!!!!!!!! with that being said, seeing him would imply from my end that i may be interested in getting back together with him if that is the idea. close but not exactly.
when i spoke to him on the phone like i mentioned before, he said that he had changed and found himself in a better place and feels settled blah blah blah. "hmmm, that's impressive" i say to myself, but all talk and no walk doesn't really work for me these days. so the only way i would know for SURE if that was the case would be to meet with him and see if he really has changed. so to prevent myself what playing the "what if" game if i chose not to meet, i decided to meet with him.
my parents were positive that i went on a date with him....but that didn't sit well with me. why? because that word SCARES ME. plus me out of all people is going on a date with my ex boyfriend. if one of my friends told me they were doing that i'd slap them unless they had a rational explanation.
so he picked me up from my house (my parents strategically not home) and that feeling that had taken so long to push away decided to come creeping back in. it took a lot for me to hold it in, after my brain kicked my ass and reminded me that i needed to be rational here and be very cautious depending on what happens. my dad gave me a pep talk consisting of "have a good time and try to relax." thanks dad for the wise advice.
seeing someone for the first time in over a year can be awkward for some people, nonetheless people who used to share a romantic relationship. i must say though....i didn't feel awkward at all. mixed emotions would be appropriate. the last time i saw this kid was when i gave him a letter when he left for colorado (which i thought was for good) telling him that i loved him and never expected to see him or hear from him ever again. i was a little embarassed when i reminded myself that he had read that letter and probably hadn't forgotten about it... but nonetheless i didn't feel awkward. nervous would still be appropriate.
we went to mr.b's in rochester for dinner and it was truly a feeling i can't describe. i had more fun hanging out with him last night then i did when we went on our very first date. actually...WAY more fun. i felt completely at ease (mainly because i didn't feel like i had to impress him) and could totally be myself. and the vibe that i felt from him....the way i watched him interact and talk with me, was totally different from before....there was no tension in his face, no anger, seriousness or anxiety. he seemed completely relaxed and it was believeable and NOT SO SERIOUS. his change was believeable and the longer we spent time together i felt like i was talking to someone who had grown up, was happy with life and was comfortable in his own skin. it was an overwhelming aura/vibe that i felt. and it sounds SO stupid when i read this over, but it's really the best way i can describe it. and i couldn't help but be happy for him. he doesn't do barfights anymore, doesn't really see his old friends (who caused most of the barfights) a whole lot anymore thank god. i don't think i was overlooking him too much. he brought up some memories from the past which were actually pretty nice, asked if us hanging out or on a date whatever you call it was ok with my parents...which was obvious he was VERY concerned about my dad. i'm glad he was....he should be. my dad wouldn't treat him like shit but i think that bit of nervousness is good. anyway, so we talked for a while (NOT about relationships or dating other people) and then we played pool for awhile which i totally SUCKED at, and he tried to help me but it didn't seem to matter. there was the obvious attempts to touch me, lots of hugging and teasing blah blah blah...he paid for everything and opened his car door for me (which i guess makes it a date). he talked to my parents when he came to drop me off for about a half hour or so and totally said something along the lines of hoping he'd be back soon to see them. and we hugged and parted ways. there was no kissing but i think that was good. but then again i don't know if he's looking for something romantic in the first place. so we will see if i will hear from him again. i have to say though i hope i do.
so that's what i mean about people changing. could it be possible that he really changed for the better?? what the hell. is the saying really true that "if you love something let it go and if it come back it was always yours"??? is that stupid quote actually TRUE?!?! it's so corny and sappy i almost vomit on saying it out loud.
i have been on lots of dates since i saw him last year, some have been pretty good, some have been AWFUL, and some have been mediocre. the fact of the matter is, none of the guys i went on dates with worked out. the feelings just weren't there....even though i attempted to have an open mind and be risky. still didn't matter.
pretty much i'm worried about making 100% moving on progress only to have him be like "hey i'm back" and then do it all over again. because then if i choose to get back together with him and things go to hell AGAIN the only person i'll have to blame is myself because i let him enter my life again. but if he really has changed like it seems then MAYBE it'd be a good thing.
however with all this overanalysis going on i do have to remind myself that maybe he doesn't want a romantic relationship. maybe he's gay...HAHA. with my luck who knows....but if he just wants friendship then that's ok i suppose but i couldn't be his friend. pretty much an all or nothing thing. but he has to make the effort if he wants it. one fuck up though and i'm out. i'm smarter now, which is a nice advantage...i just hope my brain remembers to overrule my heart if that were to happen. and may THAT never happen.
i have only told this to my parents and amanda because i fear people will think i'm a moron for actually going with this. i guess i shouldn't care but my friend's opinions are important which makes it difficult. i know i'm a smart person but i'm frustrated because i want to make sure i'm smart about this. so i type it all out here to get it out of my system and if something serious happens people will find out in due time and hopefully they'll support me either way...cuz i guess that's what real friends do i guess. :o)
speaking of friends, i get to go to kalamazoo this weekend to see some of my WMU buddies and i am so excited. i need them in my life. i miss them so much i can't wait to reunite, eat turkey, and laugh about REALLY stupid shit. it should be great.
and if you actually somehow managed to get to the bottom of this without going cross-eyed, high five for you. but thanks for listening.
yes so i speak about derek. yes....that's right, the one that moved to colorado. oops but wait he moved back to michigan because he didn't want to be away from his family....he was in denver to "find himself." alrighty. so supposedly he found everything he needed to find because he contacted me to let me know that he is back for good and "i would really like to see you".....you can see where this is going.
for about 3 weeks i debated with myself, and discussed with my parents on whether or not this is a wise decision. my parents were as surprised as i was that he had contacted me in the first place. but anyway, so i think to myself....do i really want to give this guy the time of day at all? do i even want to waste my time? is another chance even possible? but then again, is that even what he's pursuing? the only clear decision i had in my head if i chose to see him and this was only a friends type deal that i'm out. i have plenty of friends, plenty of male friends too. i don't need anymore guy friends!!!!!!!!!! with that being said, seeing him would imply from my end that i may be interested in getting back together with him if that is the idea. close but not exactly.
when i spoke to him on the phone like i mentioned before, he said that he had changed and found himself in a better place and feels settled blah blah blah. "hmmm, that's impressive" i say to myself, but all talk and no walk doesn't really work for me these days. so the only way i would know for SURE if that was the case would be to meet with him and see if he really has changed. so to prevent myself what playing the "what if" game if i chose not to meet, i decided to meet with him.
my parents were positive that i went on a date with him....but that didn't sit well with me. why? because that word SCARES ME. plus me out of all people is going on a date with my ex boyfriend. if one of my friends told me they were doing that i'd slap them unless they had a rational explanation.
so he picked me up from my house (my parents strategically not home) and that feeling that had taken so long to push away decided to come creeping back in. it took a lot for me to hold it in, after my brain kicked my ass and reminded me that i needed to be rational here and be very cautious depending on what happens. my dad gave me a pep talk consisting of "have a good time and try to relax." thanks dad for the wise advice.
seeing someone for the first time in over a year can be awkward for some people, nonetheless people who used to share a romantic relationship. i must say though....i didn't feel awkward at all. mixed emotions would be appropriate. the last time i saw this kid was when i gave him a letter when he left for colorado (which i thought was for good) telling him that i loved him and never expected to see him or hear from him ever again. i was a little embarassed when i reminded myself that he had read that letter and probably hadn't forgotten about it... but nonetheless i didn't feel awkward. nervous would still be appropriate.
we went to mr.b's in rochester for dinner and it was truly a feeling i can't describe. i had more fun hanging out with him last night then i did when we went on our very first date. actually...WAY more fun. i felt completely at ease (mainly because i didn't feel like i had to impress him) and could totally be myself. and the vibe that i felt from him....the way i watched him interact and talk with me, was totally different from before....there was no tension in his face, no anger, seriousness or anxiety. he seemed completely relaxed and it was believeable and NOT SO SERIOUS. his change was believeable and the longer we spent time together i felt like i was talking to someone who had grown up, was happy with life and was comfortable in his own skin. it was an overwhelming aura/vibe that i felt. and it sounds SO stupid when i read this over, but it's really the best way i can describe it. and i couldn't help but be happy for him. he doesn't do barfights anymore, doesn't really see his old friends (who caused most of the barfights) a whole lot anymore thank god. i don't think i was overlooking him too much. he brought up some memories from the past which were actually pretty nice, asked if us hanging out or on a date whatever you call it was ok with my parents...which was obvious he was VERY concerned about my dad. i'm glad he was....he should be. my dad wouldn't treat him like shit but i think that bit of nervousness is good. anyway, so we talked for a while (NOT about relationships or dating other people) and then we played pool for awhile which i totally SUCKED at, and he tried to help me but it didn't seem to matter. there was the obvious attempts to touch me, lots of hugging and teasing blah blah blah...he paid for everything and opened his car door for me (which i guess makes it a date). he talked to my parents when he came to drop me off for about a half hour or so and totally said something along the lines of hoping he'd be back soon to see them. and we hugged and parted ways. there was no kissing but i think that was good. but then again i don't know if he's looking for something romantic in the first place. so we will see if i will hear from him again. i have to say though i hope i do.
so that's what i mean about people changing. could it be possible that he really changed for the better?? what the hell. is the saying really true that "if you love something let it go and if it come back it was always yours"??? is that stupid quote actually TRUE?!?! it's so corny and sappy i almost vomit on saying it out loud.
i have been on lots of dates since i saw him last year, some have been pretty good, some have been AWFUL, and some have been mediocre. the fact of the matter is, none of the guys i went on dates with worked out. the feelings just weren't there....even though i attempted to have an open mind and be risky. still didn't matter.
pretty much i'm worried about making 100% moving on progress only to have him be like "hey i'm back" and then do it all over again. because then if i choose to get back together with him and things go to hell AGAIN the only person i'll have to blame is myself because i let him enter my life again. but if he really has changed like it seems then MAYBE it'd be a good thing.
however with all this overanalysis going on i do have to remind myself that maybe he doesn't want a romantic relationship. maybe he's gay...HAHA. with my luck who knows....but if he just wants friendship then that's ok i suppose but i couldn't be his friend. pretty much an all or nothing thing. but he has to make the effort if he wants it. one fuck up though and i'm out. i'm smarter now, which is a nice advantage...i just hope my brain remembers to overrule my heart if that were to happen. and may THAT never happen.
i have only told this to my parents and amanda because i fear people will think i'm a moron for actually going with this. i guess i shouldn't care but my friend's opinions are important which makes it difficult. i know i'm a smart person but i'm frustrated because i want to make sure i'm smart about this. so i type it all out here to get it out of my system and if something serious happens people will find out in due time and hopefully they'll support me either way...cuz i guess that's what real friends do i guess. :o)
speaking of friends, i get to go to kalamazoo this weekend to see some of my WMU buddies and i am so excited. i need them in my life. i miss them so much i can't wait to reunite, eat turkey, and laugh about REALLY stupid shit. it should be great.
and if you actually somehow managed to get to the bottom of this without going cross-eyed, high five for you. but thanks for listening.