Dreamlog: A again
Need to write this down so I don't lose it when I go back to sleep.
I don't know what the event was, but he was there. (Somewhere in this dream there was weird medical stuff involved with getting to an assortment of doctor's appointments; I don't know what that all was.) Tall, adult, not the gangly kid, but definitely him. And wearing plaid, which I think he always is in the dreams. I spent a lot of time on awkward, insecure flirting, full of agitation just because of the time and space of it all, the grandness of the timescale involved, the sense of risk.
At one point I was talking about something - I don't recall what, but I think my emotionality was involved with it - and he came over, he stood very close, in a way that I was almost certain had to be intentional, had to be responding to me, and even doing so positively, but of course I can't trust that sort of thing, can't be sure of it.
I don't remember how I communicated with him directly. I know that I spent a long time in twitterpated distraction after that, to the amusement of my family (who were all actually present - at least all the adults) and occasional frustration thereof.
I went somewhere to do something with the computer, which was a complicated process for reasons I'm not clear on but involved an external mouse (though not the external mouse that I actually use; this one was white). I opened things up, and in my email I suddenly noticed there were seven messages from him. (Filtered into a mailbox. Which now in the waking world strikes me as hilarious, given no reason to have a mailbox for him at all, ever.)
The first message was something like, "Well, that certainly clarifies anything that I might have found ambiguous!" It went on a bit more than that, but the emotional rush hit me from the non-rejection, and I was completely lost.
As was the rocking chair I had been going to sit in, which had apparently teleported away by dream logic, so there was this complicated seething mass of delight and nervousness just bubbling around while I was looking for it, while I was working up the nerve to read the next one, while I was revelling in this sudden emotion of reciprocity. The bemusement and mild irritation of other family members mostly made me giggle. Eventually I found the chair and went back to the mail. (I particularly recall C looking faintly exasperated, shaking his head, and going to sprawl into an armchair and read a book, all of which managed to not actually make me nervous about him and whether this was upsetting him, which is kind of a shocker.)
And I started to read the second one, which opened up into a treasure hunt in a landscape, like there was some way that communication could create a little miniature world that I could drop into. Which is an interesting metaphor for lovers, in any case. I explored the landscape - which was like a series of low beaches and shoals with beautiful blue water between them, only the water wasn't more than a knuckle deep anywhere and the trail from sentence to sentence was marked by white powdery sand that I could follow through the water easily, which showed no inclination to walk away.
I was laughing as I followed the hints; this was directly flirtatious, carrying with it implications and suggestions, and I was trying to figure out how forward to be, whether to mention things like "I've been in love with you since fourth grade". I found one phrase that said "You like rocks. I don't know if I can be with someone who likes rocks." I followed the trail, suddenly full of anxiety again, and read the conclusion of the message, which was tucked into a small cluster of stones like an egg into a nest. I don't remember precisely what was said there, but I remember that I stared at it and wondered if the raunchy comment it inspired was too soon, whether it was going to be too much and prove unwelcome.
It was an amazing feeling, though, the whole of it: the being so deliberately aware of being in love, the sense that yes, this was requited, it was okay. That this arc set in motion when I was a child had meaning, had fruit to it. That I could be in love - in that daft and obsessed period that I find so fucking annoying - without hurting anyone else, without causing problems with my family. That maybe this time it could be all okay.
And that he really was interested in me, genuinely present, teasingly perhaps, but it was all positive. Like he trusted me enough to tease me, that I wouldn't let the anxiety destroy me.
I don't remember specifics after that; KJ came into the bedroom and was talking and I woke up and that sort of thing.
Added for my own reference:
Last night I took a blue bath (same color water as in the second email) and when I got back to my room I was hit with a powerful urge to do kala. I don't know what energetics was snarled there, but it was like hacking up a hairball into the cup to be transmuted, in sensation. It was kind of weird, in a very potent way.
I suspect that this dream is a result of that clearing out and what Aset gave me in response to my prayer from Her day.
I don't know what the event was, but he was there. (Somewhere in this dream there was weird medical stuff involved with getting to an assortment of doctor's appointments; I don't know what that all was.) Tall, adult, not the gangly kid, but definitely him. And wearing plaid, which I think he always is in the dreams. I spent a lot of time on awkward, insecure flirting, full of agitation just because of the time and space of it all, the grandness of the timescale involved, the sense of risk.
At one point I was talking about something - I don't recall what, but I think my emotionality was involved with it - and he came over, he stood very close, in a way that I was almost certain had to be intentional, had to be responding to me, and even doing so positively, but of course I can't trust that sort of thing, can't be sure of it.
I don't remember how I communicated with him directly. I know that I spent a long time in twitterpated distraction after that, to the amusement of my family (who were all actually present - at least all the adults) and occasional frustration thereof.
I went somewhere to do something with the computer, which was a complicated process for reasons I'm not clear on but involved an external mouse (though not the external mouse that I actually use; this one was white). I opened things up, and in my email I suddenly noticed there were seven messages from him. (Filtered into a mailbox. Which now in the waking world strikes me as hilarious, given no reason to have a mailbox for him at all, ever.)
The first message was something like, "Well, that certainly clarifies anything that I might have found ambiguous!" It went on a bit more than that, but the emotional rush hit me from the non-rejection, and I was completely lost.
As was the rocking chair I had been going to sit in, which had apparently teleported away by dream logic, so there was this complicated seething mass of delight and nervousness just bubbling around while I was looking for it, while I was working up the nerve to read the next one, while I was revelling in this sudden emotion of reciprocity. The bemusement and mild irritation of other family members mostly made me giggle. Eventually I found the chair and went back to the mail. (I particularly recall C looking faintly exasperated, shaking his head, and going to sprawl into an armchair and read a book, all of which managed to not actually make me nervous about him and whether this was upsetting him, which is kind of a shocker.)
And I started to read the second one, which opened up into a treasure hunt in a landscape, like there was some way that communication could create a little miniature world that I could drop into. Which is an interesting metaphor for lovers, in any case. I explored the landscape - which was like a series of low beaches and shoals with beautiful blue water between them, only the water wasn't more than a knuckle deep anywhere and the trail from sentence to sentence was marked by white powdery sand that I could follow through the water easily, which showed no inclination to walk away.
I was laughing as I followed the hints; this was directly flirtatious, carrying with it implications and suggestions, and I was trying to figure out how forward to be, whether to mention things like "I've been in love with you since fourth grade". I found one phrase that said "You like rocks. I don't know if I can be with someone who likes rocks." I followed the trail, suddenly full of anxiety again, and read the conclusion of the message, which was tucked into a small cluster of stones like an egg into a nest. I don't remember precisely what was said there, but I remember that I stared at it and wondered if the raunchy comment it inspired was too soon, whether it was going to be too much and prove unwelcome.
It was an amazing feeling, though, the whole of it: the being so deliberately aware of being in love, the sense that yes, this was requited, it was okay. That this arc set in motion when I was a child had meaning, had fruit to it. That I could be in love - in that daft and obsessed period that I find so fucking annoying - without hurting anyone else, without causing problems with my family. That maybe this time it could be all okay.
And that he really was interested in me, genuinely present, teasingly perhaps, but it was all positive. Like he trusted me enough to tease me, that I wouldn't let the anxiety destroy me.
I don't remember specifics after that; KJ came into the bedroom and was talking and I woke up and that sort of thing.
Added for my own reference:
Last night I took a blue bath (same color water as in the second email) and when I got back to my room I was hit with a powerful urge to do kala. I don't know what energetics was snarled there, but it was like hacking up a hairball into the cup to be transmuted, in sensation. It was kind of weird, in a very potent way.
I suspect that this dream is a result of that clearing out and what Aset gave me in response to my prayer from Her day.