Death, Life and Snow in Your Shoe
I put this on Facebook earlier. It might belong here more.
This morning I had to feed the horses, cows and we had one more onerous task. Today we had to haul Hank, my donkey friend away. Life and death is part of farm life. Actually it's just part of life, but I digress. You see when an animal dies when there's 2 or 3 feet of snow on the ground, that your tractor will get stuck in, you pretty much have to cover him up and wait for the snow to melt, or to plow out to him. It's been a tough year in more ways than one, so I had to make due with covering him up with snow and straw until the snow melted enough for us to haul him away. Today was that day.
So after running up and down the road to get bales, chasing after the tractor on foot, loosing a shoe in the manure and mud and then having to walk back with one bare foot, I had to chain my friend up and haul him out to the back forty to leave for the scavengers to eat. It's called natural burial and it's an accepted practice on a farm unless the animal has been euthanized. Hank hadn't been.
Hank was my friend. Not a pet. A friend. He was the best. When I bought Hank for 75.00 to make sure he didn't go to the meat man, I also bought a weanling foal that we named Diesel. Actually Diesel wasn't a weanling yet - the ass-hats who owned him and his mother brought the mares and foals to the auction knowing they would likely be sold for meat, and hadn't even weaned him. His mother was wild. Nasty wild. Biting and kicking the other horses in the ring. A real wild lead mare. I couldn't bring her home into the herd. So I just bought little Diesel.
At this point Hank was a intact Jack donkey. When we got them home (along with a bunch of other horses I bought), this little foal was crying for him mom. None of the horses wanted anything to do with him. But that crazy jack donkey, my Hank - well the walked over to that foal, and you could almost see him say to him. "Hang with me, Kid - you'll be okay." So Hank stayed with Diesel. And when the other horses were turned out after their quarentine was over, Hank still stayed with Diesel until he could be cut. When they were turned out in the pasture. Hank still stayed with Diesel.
That was Hank. Loyal, steadfast. He was friendly but he'd never been broken to halter. I taught him to lead with my pick up truck. Stubborn as an ox.
Today I laid my friend to rest. He died on March 9, 2011. It was a bad winter. Like I said - he was in the pen with some of the other donkeys and he slipped and fell on some ice. They're right outside my door - so I noticed quick. I was out and helping him back to his feet. Normally when an equine goes down, the wisdom holds that if he can get back to his feet, he's okay.
Hank wasn't okay. But I didn't know that.
The company I work for had arranged a team meeting. I'd flown out the day before. I didn't know Hank was dying. My daughter Natalie went out much later after I'd long left and saw that Hank was down again. Sometimes I think he just stood up after he went down just for me. I didn't get to be there for my friend. To see him pass over. I failed him because I had to be somewhere else for work. I should have been there.
No matter what anyone tells you, animals mourn. Especially donkeys. Diesel and the others, they all came and saw and knew and mourned. I hadn't not yet.
Today I laid my friend to rest.
My dog Akane. She'd been sick for a while. Cancer. The big C. Didn't show any sign of it except she was getting skinny. Nothing the vet could do. Just keep her company, watch her for any sign of pain. Was running around eating, drinking but we knew she was living on borrowed time. You'd have never known it. Stoic, still lots of joy in her life. She was another hard luck case, a street dog from Okinawa, Japan that had made her way all the way to Canada on a sort of underground railroad for Shiba Inus.
She was at my mom's when she passed. Laying in the front hall. Mom knew it was time when she didn't want to eat. She called me to come over - Natalie and I were at my house. We didn't make it, not in time. She'd breathed her last.
The frost hasn't come out of the ground yet. So she's in her coffin. Awaiting her burial. I missed another one. Still I don't think I grieved. I shed a few tears - but nothing major.
She died not long after Nicholas Courtney "The Brigadier" did. Nick didn't hit me as hard. Except that he died two days after my 40th birthday. Oh don't get me wrong. I loved the Brigadier. I loved Nick Courtney. I can hear his voice in my head, if I try. If I listen. Still with him, you could understand. He was old. Though I know better. I should have known better. I think subconsciously I did. My mind was warning me what was to come. I'd noticed that there was something 'off' about Lis when I watched the series back to back. Something wasn't ... right. I'm getting ahead of myself though.
See I came *back* to Doctor Who fandom this year because something else I treasured was dying. This is going to seem silly amidst all this death. But I was a fan of House and the relationship between Cuddy and House. Strangely enough *that* died the night Hank fell. Like Akane, I knew that was inevitable. David Shore doesn't do happy endings. I was prepared for it to end. So I came in from helping Hank get to his feet to frantic messages from my friend Jennifer telling me not to watch Bombshells. Hank saved me from seeing it. See, he was my friend. Though I would have rather have seen it and not lost Hank. Being prepared - I was upset, I mourned the loss. I was more upset by the ham handed way they handled it and the disdain from certain producer types for fans of the relationship.
That's how I found my way back to Sarah Jane. I needed something to take me away from what I knew was going to happen in my other fandom and what better way than to go back to my old haunt of Doctor Who. I'd been an active fan back in the 80s. Had my own little Four costume so I could play a girl four. But Sarah Jane... Oh she was my companion. See though I'd never try to do a Three costume and despite Four being my first Doctor, I had fallen in love with Jon Pertwee. Oh how I cried when he died. Just like I'm crying now. Sarah Jane though - oh I loved her. I'd never try to do a costume of her though - she was far too pretty and I just wasn't.
It probably also has to do with the fact that I had a crush on Sarah Jane/Lis Sladen. Yeah, I'm a girl, but I still had a crush on her. I didn't want to be her necessarily - I wanted to be the one with her. ;)
So I come back, having watched School Reunion long before that and discovering my love of David Tennant because of Lis (also my intense dislike of Rose). I, of course, started writing fan fic. It's what I do. I was part of Voyager Virtual Season 8 and 9 as a writer, producer of that virtual series and I'm the one who stuck through to the end and brought it home. Sarah had come to life for me again. At first I stayed away from Sarah Jane Adventures. But I couldn't resist the pull of Lis. So I bought all the seasons off of iTunes - and OMG it was wonderful. So hopeful. And there was SARAH. And in spite of everything else that was happening - I was happy.
Two days ago Elisabeth Sladen died. I was working, happily plotting fic with another Sarah Jane fan (I multitask well) and I noticed something on Twitter. A very trusted Who friend from the UK said "It's true" and someone else said, "Oh no." And remember how I said I knew there was something wrong. It all clicked. I just knew in my heart of hearts that Lis was who they were talking about and that she had passed away. My heart stopped. For a moment, then everything was pain as I asked my friend from the UK and scowered my feed. It was - it was Lis. I hadn't known. Or I had but my heart refused to see it. It was cancer again. She hadn't let anyone know except family and close friends. She'd been ill for a while. Just like Akane and Hank - she'd kept it to herself - never letting it show. Hell, even Tom Baker didn't know.
I'm the one who had to break it to my friend I'd been plotting with. I don't think I did it very well. A panicked email. "Oh god, oh god. Oh god no. Lis died today." I'm sorry, Sue - I don't do panic well. If I was one of the Doctor's companions I'd be a screamer... Possibly a hider.
Every second that went by I had to accept that I had only come back for the end. Lis was gone. There wouldn't be the fifth season that I was so looking forward to of Sarah Jane Adventures. (Though there are six episodes apparently episodes 1, 2 and 6 - they filmed them at the end of series 4 because of Lis being ill.) I'm not even certain if she managed to finish her autobiography. There would be no new Sarah Jane - at least not with our wonderful Lis giving voice to her. I would never get to meet her.
And I mourned. For me. For those silly not very important things above. For Sarah Jane, the character who'd enchanted me. Who was the best companion ever. Even if Leela was stronger and Romana was smarter and the Doctor loved Rose (still in denial about that bit , eh). For Lis, the actress who'd brought her to life and was gone too soon.
I feel cheated. I wanted more. Lis should have had so much more time. I knew better. No one is immune. My dad died younger than Lis of Cancer and I was younger than Sadie is when he went. It didn't matter though - unlike my dad who it was obvious that he was sick - Lis you couldn't tell - not unless you really looked. I knew. Just like Akane. You couldn't tell.
God, I wanted to meet her just once. I guess I'll have to wait until I'm on the other side for that now.
I fear those three episodes too. Which feels wrong. I don't want to see the end. I don't want them to bring closure to Sarah Jane. I want her to go on. Even if Lis can't. I need Sarah Jane to go on.
I feel bereft.
This year has taken too large a toll already. Nick, Akane, Hank and now Lis. Loved ones. People that matter to me.
I'm mourning still. Yesterday I felt better than today.
Sarah Jane, Oliver (my name for the duplicate Ten in my fic) and Three were talking to me. Getting me to write their goodbyes to Lis for them. I laughed as I watched School Reunion and then Invasion of the Bane and tweeted along with other friends.
Today I laid my friend to rest.
Mom was driving the tractor out to the back, I was following in the pick up. I got stuck. We unhooked Hank - but mom was running low on diesel and I had to get back to work. So we left the truck there. Stuck in the snow.
My donkeys that are left keep making this mournful sound outside my house. Their braying is the sound my soul is making.
Last night when I went to bed, Lis Sladen was still trending in the UK, this morning when I got up she was gone from the lists. I felt like another shot had gone through my heart.
"The Universe has to move forward." ... "Everything has it's time and everything ends." Those words mean so much more now. I know life is moving on. My twitter feed is now full of House commentary, and other Doctor who stuff. Lis is still being discussed but it's less. The chatter on Facebook ended almost as quickly as it started.
I'm not ready for my universe to move forward. Not just yet. But I don't really have a choice.
So I left my truck, stuck in the snow and I walked back to my house. On the way I got snow in my shoe. My feet were freezing and I didn't really feel it. I was aware but I didn't care. I stopped and petted my horses. The joy of them was muted though as I clung to Razzle (my lead fjord mare) spilling more tears into her fur.
Today I am out of sync with my other friends. Who are starting to feel better, while I feel worse than I did yesterday. Maybe tomorrow it'll be the reverse.
I can't help thinking this year is so bad and my mom is 77. She's already had one health issue - a major stroke two years ago - that she completely recovered from. She's vital, still mostly running the farm. Sense says don't borrow trouble, but I can't help but worry.
I want to yell at the world. "Not today, thank you."
Today I laid my friend to rest.
RIP Elisabeth Sladen 1948 - 2011
RIP Nicholas Courtney 1929 - 2011
RIP Akane ???? - 2011
RIP Hank ???? - 2011
This morning I had to feed the horses, cows and we had one more onerous task. Today we had to haul Hank, my donkey friend away. Life and death is part of farm life. Actually it's just part of life, but I digress. You see when an animal dies when there's 2 or 3 feet of snow on the ground, that your tractor will get stuck in, you pretty much have to cover him up and wait for the snow to melt, or to plow out to him. It's been a tough year in more ways than one, so I had to make due with covering him up with snow and straw until the snow melted enough for us to haul him away. Today was that day.
So after running up and down the road to get bales, chasing after the tractor on foot, loosing a shoe in the manure and mud and then having to walk back with one bare foot, I had to chain my friend up and haul him out to the back forty to leave for the scavengers to eat. It's called natural burial and it's an accepted practice on a farm unless the animal has been euthanized. Hank hadn't been.
Hank was my friend. Not a pet. A friend. He was the best. When I bought Hank for 75.00 to make sure he didn't go to the meat man, I also bought a weanling foal that we named Diesel. Actually Diesel wasn't a weanling yet - the ass-hats who owned him and his mother brought the mares and foals to the auction knowing they would likely be sold for meat, and hadn't even weaned him. His mother was wild. Nasty wild. Biting and kicking the other horses in the ring. A real wild lead mare. I couldn't bring her home into the herd. So I just bought little Diesel.
At this point Hank was a intact Jack donkey. When we got them home (along with a bunch of other horses I bought), this little foal was crying for him mom. None of the horses wanted anything to do with him. But that crazy jack donkey, my Hank - well the walked over to that foal, and you could almost see him say to him. "Hang with me, Kid - you'll be okay." So Hank stayed with Diesel. And when the other horses were turned out after their quarentine was over, Hank still stayed with Diesel until he could be cut. When they were turned out in the pasture. Hank still stayed with Diesel.
That was Hank. Loyal, steadfast. He was friendly but he'd never been broken to halter. I taught him to lead with my pick up truck. Stubborn as an ox.
Today I laid my friend to rest. He died on March 9, 2011. It was a bad winter. Like I said - he was in the pen with some of the other donkeys and he slipped and fell on some ice. They're right outside my door - so I noticed quick. I was out and helping him back to his feet. Normally when an equine goes down, the wisdom holds that if he can get back to his feet, he's okay.
Hank wasn't okay. But I didn't know that.
The company I work for had arranged a team meeting. I'd flown out the day before. I didn't know Hank was dying. My daughter Natalie went out much later after I'd long left and saw that Hank was down again. Sometimes I think he just stood up after he went down just for me. I didn't get to be there for my friend. To see him pass over. I failed him because I had to be somewhere else for work. I should have been there.
No matter what anyone tells you, animals mourn. Especially donkeys. Diesel and the others, they all came and saw and knew and mourned. I hadn't not yet.
Today I laid my friend to rest.
My dog Akane. She'd been sick for a while. Cancer. The big C. Didn't show any sign of it except she was getting skinny. Nothing the vet could do. Just keep her company, watch her for any sign of pain. Was running around eating, drinking but we knew she was living on borrowed time. You'd have never known it. Stoic, still lots of joy in her life. She was another hard luck case, a street dog from Okinawa, Japan that had made her way all the way to Canada on a sort of underground railroad for Shiba Inus.
She was at my mom's when she passed. Laying in the front hall. Mom knew it was time when she didn't want to eat. She called me to come over - Natalie and I were at my house. We didn't make it, not in time. She'd breathed her last.
The frost hasn't come out of the ground yet. So she's in her coffin. Awaiting her burial. I missed another one. Still I don't think I grieved. I shed a few tears - but nothing major.
She died not long after Nicholas Courtney "The Brigadier" did. Nick didn't hit me as hard. Except that he died two days after my 40th birthday. Oh don't get me wrong. I loved the Brigadier. I loved Nick Courtney. I can hear his voice in my head, if I try. If I listen. Still with him, you could understand. He was old. Though I know better. I should have known better. I think subconsciously I did. My mind was warning me what was to come. I'd noticed that there was something 'off' about Lis when I watched the series back to back. Something wasn't ... right. I'm getting ahead of myself though.
See I came *back* to Doctor Who fandom this year because something else I treasured was dying. This is going to seem silly amidst all this death. But I was a fan of House and the relationship between Cuddy and House. Strangely enough *that* died the night Hank fell. Like Akane, I knew that was inevitable. David Shore doesn't do happy endings. I was prepared for it to end. So I came in from helping Hank get to his feet to frantic messages from my friend Jennifer telling me not to watch Bombshells. Hank saved me from seeing it. See, he was my friend. Though I would have rather have seen it and not lost Hank. Being prepared - I was upset, I mourned the loss. I was more upset by the ham handed way they handled it and the disdain from certain producer types for fans of the relationship.
That's how I found my way back to Sarah Jane. I needed something to take me away from what I knew was going to happen in my other fandom and what better way than to go back to my old haunt of Doctor Who. I'd been an active fan back in the 80s. Had my own little Four costume so I could play a girl four. But Sarah Jane... Oh she was my companion. See though I'd never try to do a Three costume and despite Four being my first Doctor, I had fallen in love with Jon Pertwee. Oh how I cried when he died. Just like I'm crying now. Sarah Jane though - oh I loved her. I'd never try to do a costume of her though - she was far too pretty and I just wasn't.
It probably also has to do with the fact that I had a crush on Sarah Jane/Lis Sladen. Yeah, I'm a girl, but I still had a crush on her. I didn't want to be her necessarily - I wanted to be the one with her. ;)
So I come back, having watched School Reunion long before that and discovering my love of David Tennant because of Lis (also my intense dislike of Rose). I, of course, started writing fan fic. It's what I do. I was part of Voyager Virtual Season 8 and 9 as a writer, producer of that virtual series and I'm the one who stuck through to the end and brought it home. Sarah had come to life for me again. At first I stayed away from Sarah Jane Adventures. But I couldn't resist the pull of Lis. So I bought all the seasons off of iTunes - and OMG it was wonderful. So hopeful. And there was SARAH. And in spite of everything else that was happening - I was happy.
Two days ago Elisabeth Sladen died. I was working, happily plotting fic with another Sarah Jane fan (I multitask well) and I noticed something on Twitter. A very trusted Who friend from the UK said "It's true" and someone else said, "Oh no." And remember how I said I knew there was something wrong. It all clicked. I just knew in my heart of hearts that Lis was who they were talking about and that she had passed away. My heart stopped. For a moment, then everything was pain as I asked my friend from the UK and scowered my feed. It was - it was Lis. I hadn't known. Or I had but my heart refused to see it. It was cancer again. She hadn't let anyone know except family and close friends. She'd been ill for a while. Just like Akane and Hank - she'd kept it to herself - never letting it show. Hell, even Tom Baker didn't know.
I'm the one who had to break it to my friend I'd been plotting with. I don't think I did it very well. A panicked email. "Oh god, oh god. Oh god no. Lis died today." I'm sorry, Sue - I don't do panic well. If I was one of the Doctor's companions I'd be a screamer... Possibly a hider.
Every second that went by I had to accept that I had only come back for the end. Lis was gone. There wouldn't be the fifth season that I was so looking forward to of Sarah Jane Adventures. (Though there are six episodes apparently episodes 1, 2 and 6 - they filmed them at the end of series 4 because of Lis being ill.) I'm not even certain if she managed to finish her autobiography. There would be no new Sarah Jane - at least not with our wonderful Lis giving voice to her. I would never get to meet her.
And I mourned. For me. For those silly not very important things above. For Sarah Jane, the character who'd enchanted me. Who was the best companion ever. Even if Leela was stronger and Romana was smarter and the Doctor loved Rose (still in denial about that bit , eh). For Lis, the actress who'd brought her to life and was gone too soon.
I feel cheated. I wanted more. Lis should have had so much more time. I knew better. No one is immune. My dad died younger than Lis of Cancer and I was younger than Sadie is when he went. It didn't matter though - unlike my dad who it was obvious that he was sick - Lis you couldn't tell - not unless you really looked. I knew. Just like Akane. You couldn't tell.
God, I wanted to meet her just once. I guess I'll have to wait until I'm on the other side for that now.
I fear those three episodes too. Which feels wrong. I don't want to see the end. I don't want them to bring closure to Sarah Jane. I want her to go on. Even if Lis can't. I need Sarah Jane to go on.
I feel bereft.
This year has taken too large a toll already. Nick, Akane, Hank and now Lis. Loved ones. People that matter to me.
I'm mourning still. Yesterday I felt better than today.
Sarah Jane, Oliver (my name for the duplicate Ten in my fic) and Three were talking to me. Getting me to write their goodbyes to Lis for them. I laughed as I watched School Reunion and then Invasion of the Bane and tweeted along with other friends.
Today I laid my friend to rest.
Mom was driving the tractor out to the back, I was following in the pick up. I got stuck. We unhooked Hank - but mom was running low on diesel and I had to get back to work. So we left the truck there. Stuck in the snow.
My donkeys that are left keep making this mournful sound outside my house. Their braying is the sound my soul is making.
Last night when I went to bed, Lis Sladen was still trending in the UK, this morning when I got up she was gone from the lists. I felt like another shot had gone through my heart.
"The Universe has to move forward." ... "Everything has it's time and everything ends." Those words mean so much more now. I know life is moving on. My twitter feed is now full of House commentary, and other Doctor who stuff. Lis is still being discussed but it's less. The chatter on Facebook ended almost as quickly as it started.
I'm not ready for my universe to move forward. Not just yet. But I don't really have a choice.
So I left my truck, stuck in the snow and I walked back to my house. On the way I got snow in my shoe. My feet were freezing and I didn't really feel it. I was aware but I didn't care. I stopped and petted my horses. The joy of them was muted though as I clung to Razzle (my lead fjord mare) spilling more tears into her fur.
Today I am out of sync with my other friends. Who are starting to feel better, while I feel worse than I did yesterday. Maybe tomorrow it'll be the reverse.
I can't help thinking this year is so bad and my mom is 77. She's already had one health issue - a major stroke two years ago - that she completely recovered from. She's vital, still mostly running the farm. Sense says don't borrow trouble, but I can't help but worry.
I want to yell at the world. "Not today, thank you."
Today I laid my friend to rest.
RIP Elisabeth Sladen 1948 - 2011
RIP Nicholas Courtney 1929 - 2011
RIP Akane ???? - 2011
RIP Hank ???? - 2011