introduction to patient #6047
as a child i swore i would never, ever write a diary or journal, it seemed to weak and immature for me....but alas here i am at almost 17 and im publishing my inner thoughts for the world....although im not sure who will want to read them...
i am no longer a 16 year old yr 12 student living in Sydney, Australia... i am patient number 6047 in the NSW public mental health system - diagnosed with BPD, Chronic Lifelong Melancholic Depression (CLMD) with Sociopathic Tendencies and am being tested for Bi-polar....wonder-fucking-ful....
they say putting a name to an 'illness' helps you overcome it...i dont want to fucking overcome it....im comfortable in my negative, sarcastic, dark, psychotic, tobacoo and booze filled little world and i dont want to leave it....the only thing i like about getting 'help' is messing with the doctors....(and maybe mixing the meds)
so far they think im a boyfriendless little virgin who has never been suspended or anything as horendus as that, who is nice to teachers and fellow students and has only tried to kill herself once....because of the abuse she recieved as a child....never has she commited an illegal act such as break'n'enter, theft or assault....never....hehehe
im not proud of my actions....im just not capable of feeling guilty...the first crime i ever committed was murdering that fucker of a conscience...
the public health system here is wonderful...they do fuck all but put you on meds and take you through 4 weeks of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT)....an amazingly shit program that does fuck all and has funny little cartoon illustrations...i am currently with my 5th doctor in 2 years of this system and i must say this one is interesting....she has lasted over six months...a record for me....im learning more about her each week, although these sessions are completely confidential so im afraid i cannot go into anymore detail...
there is only one person in the world i have never lied too....she would have to be my opposite in every way except our mental state.....she will listen to anything...and tell me anything...i have never felt the need or want to betray her trust and i actually feel safe around her....the only person in the world that i have ever, ever felt safe around....i usually drink myself stupid, smoke a pack and take a few pills to slip into a sense of security....but with her i can give my lungs and liver a rest...ill admit she she doesnt fit the normalcy bill...but neither do i....we work so well together...nothing either has experienced can shock the other...i dont have to act around her....the character that i play in everyday life can rest...
this makes it sound as if i love her and we're together....i have never been tempted to swing that way...but if i had i reckon she would be an even more important person in my life....as for the love part...i have never loved anything, apparently im incapable of feeling love (dunno how they come to that conclusion)...no family or friends...only my old horse and my current dog....this sounds stupid but neither of them have flaked on me, betrayed me, lied, or abused me in any way....so i reckon my emotions for them can be a form of love....the girl i was talking about is the only person that i think i love....although im not sure if its love exactly, its respect, admiration and strength, thats what i feel for her....she is my best friend
there you go...i have written my first ever journal entry.....interesting how i feel nothing that im supposed to when i write something down....hmmm
i am no longer a 16 year old yr 12 student living in Sydney, Australia... i am patient number 6047 in the NSW public mental health system - diagnosed with BPD, Chronic Lifelong Melancholic Depression (CLMD) with Sociopathic Tendencies and am being tested for Bi-polar....wonder-fucking-ful....
they say putting a name to an 'illness' helps you overcome it...i dont want to fucking overcome it....im comfortable in my negative, sarcastic, dark, psychotic, tobacoo and booze filled little world and i dont want to leave it....the only thing i like about getting 'help' is messing with the doctors....(and maybe mixing the meds)
so far they think im a boyfriendless little virgin who has never been suspended or anything as horendus as that, who is nice to teachers and fellow students and has only tried to kill herself once....because of the abuse she recieved as a child....never has she commited an illegal act such as break'n'enter, theft or assault....never....hehehe
im not proud of my actions....im just not capable of feeling guilty...the first crime i ever committed was murdering that fucker of a conscience...
the public health system here is wonderful...they do fuck all but put you on meds and take you through 4 weeks of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT)....an amazingly shit program that does fuck all and has funny little cartoon illustrations...i am currently with my 5th doctor in 2 years of this system and i must say this one is interesting....she has lasted over six months...a record for me....im learning more about her each week, although these sessions are completely confidential so im afraid i cannot go into anymore detail...
there is only one person in the world i have never lied too....she would have to be my opposite in every way except our mental state.....she will listen to anything...and tell me anything...i have never felt the need or want to betray her trust and i actually feel safe around her....the only person in the world that i have ever, ever felt safe around....i usually drink myself stupid, smoke a pack and take a few pills to slip into a sense of security....but with her i can give my lungs and liver a rest...ill admit she she doesnt fit the normalcy bill...but neither do i....we work so well together...nothing either has experienced can shock the other...i dont have to act around her....the character that i play in everyday life can rest...
this makes it sound as if i love her and we're together....i have never been tempted to swing that way...but if i had i reckon she would be an even more important person in my life....as for the love part...i have never loved anything, apparently im incapable of feeling love (dunno how they come to that conclusion)...no family or friends...only my old horse and my current dog....this sounds stupid but neither of them have flaked on me, betrayed me, lied, or abused me in any way....so i reckon my emotions for them can be a form of love....the girl i was talking about is the only person that i think i love....although im not sure if its love exactly, its respect, admiration and strength, thats what i feel for her....she is my best friend
there you go...i have written my first ever journal entry.....interesting how i feel nothing that im supposed to when i write something down....hmmm