New Haven RTC
So I finally went back to New Haven (the treatment center I was in 8 years ago). The visit was stunningly good and I still haven’t recovered.
I originally contacted Kacy through their web page and asked to meet him, Megan, and Karie for lunch (the 3 I recognized on the web). We set Friday as the date before they realized that was actually their alumni day (meaning people who left less then 2 years ago and their families). Before I even got to talk any one Kacy asked me if I wanted to work there and Megan thought it would be great for me to come to the alumni week end because I was a “new haven success story.” My 2 greatest fears in going were of course being made a poster child and feeling temped to break my contract at Red Cliff.
I got there around 10am and Karie in true form grabbed me to participate in an activity. There were about 40 people there- alumni and families. I introduced my self once saying I was a student at New Haven 8 years ago and I now work at Red Cliff. Karie was so thrilled to see me and from that moment on everyone remembered my name even though I didn’t say another word. I was always used as a marker for activities (when communicating which way we should move). It was a strange and undeniable form of attention. I felt out of place or like I was in some sort of time warp. Karie hasn’t changed her style one bit. I sort of went through the motions in an emotionless state of shock.
Next the staff and students had prepared a celebration for this being Karie’s 10th year working at New Haven. I faded into the background and cried. It felt really good to hug her afterwards.
I met one of the current staff, and ran into her a few times. It was strange how much this girl respected me and wanted to hear from me. I don’t remember her name- if I ever heard it.
I ate lunch with Megan, Heather, and Danielle out in a little gazebo that wasn’t there before. I could tell Megan and Heather apart immediately. While there were a few jokes to the contrary, I was amazed how they accepted me as a 24-year-old working at a treatment program. We talked about life now and joked about what happened then. They spoke to me like I was a co-worker or old friend. I loved it.
Then Karie had me as well as some of the other alums speak to the current students. I didn’t really want to at first but Karie didn’t make it a choice. It wasn’t so bad. It was like a mental health panel but there was only 35 in the audience- all teens in treatment, there were more panelist, no one was obligated to respond to any one question and best of all I wasn’t responsible for the result. I felt a little in genuine when discussing relapse because I only talked about things that happened the first 4 years after I left. That seemed to be what most were interested in any way.
Later that day I was planning to eat dinner with Karie, Karl, and the alum families then spend the night at Megan’s house. The late afternoon was difficult but not as difficult as I thought it would be. There was free time to mingle with the alum families when the staff I knew was busy. I didn’t fit in at all with the recent graduates. I tried to tag along anyway to get some space from their parents but it didn’t work. They were generally nice to me… just treated me like I was staff. It makes sense though given one of my early conversations with a group of them went something like…
“Hey Lila when you got here today did you feel weird, like you needed to give the staff your shoes?”
“Well… no. I mean it’s been 8 years since I was a student here and I now work at a program where I’m the one taking student’s shoes.”
I’m not sure anyone there was capable of making me feel like I was 16 again regardless of what they said. That didn’t accure to me until that question.
The parents on the other hand, while not as bad as I was afraid of, definitely wanted to talk to me… about anything. Where I grew up, where I went to college, and where I work now were the 3 most popular topics. I know they see hope for their daughter when they see me. This group seemed secure enough that they didn’t overwhelm me yet there is a certain amount of pressure to being so alone and the center of attention.
I left NH early enough to wonder around Provo, make some phone calls, and still get to the restaurant first. I needed some time away from the parents.
Karl recognized me right away even though he didn’t know I was coming. I couldn’t talk to him much because I got pressured into sitting at a table with parents ( I can’t remember the last time I walked into I dinning area and heard someone call out “Oh, Lila come sit by us.” Particularly when I don’t even know the speakers name). Dinner was friendly and low pressure. They were nice people that didn’t focus on me.
For about 2 hours after dinner I sat outside and talked to Karl and Karie. We joked around some and talked some about work and different therapeutic models. At one point Karie stopped and said she loved the fact that I am now a colleague of hers. Karl then joked about it agreeingly. It was strange to me that she chose the word colleague but I took it as one of the biggest compliments I have ever received coming from the 2 rec therapists I respect most.
I ended up not spending the night with Megan on account of some policy about old students sleeping at the houses of staff so I drove home. My last conversation on the phone with Megan was weird though. She was bothered that I couldn’t spend the night with her and worried that she wouldn’t hear from me again soon but was glad she now had my email address and number. I told her I would stay in touch now that I have gotten over my fear of going near NH. She said that the way she feels about me hasn’t changed over the 8 years. This conversation was odd to me. Of all the staff I have worked with in programs I was in I was closest to Megan but I have since figured it was partially one sided. Not that she was fake but that she was a staff with many students and I figured she would have moved on after a year or so. It wasn’t until I started working at Red Cliff that I realized that maybe the staff members that I thought cared about me, actually did in a way that would make them want to talk to me 8 years later. Everyone was happy to see me, Megan was clearly bothered by the idea that she might not see me again… I somehow didn’t expect it to be that obvious.
Overall that day went wonderfully. I felt more respected then I have in a long time, and not just by parents inadvertently pressuring me to pretend I’m something I’m not. I’ve almost felt like I’ve been in shock since.
Part of me wants to quit my job at Red Cliff and work at NH where I can work more with individual students… have a relationship like mine with Megan. I still have more to learn at RCA though. I think I might in a year or so though.
I originally contacted Kacy through their web page and asked to meet him, Megan, and Karie for lunch (the 3 I recognized on the web). We set Friday as the date before they realized that was actually their alumni day (meaning people who left less then 2 years ago and their families). Before I even got to talk any one Kacy asked me if I wanted to work there and Megan thought it would be great for me to come to the alumni week end because I was a “new haven success story.” My 2 greatest fears in going were of course being made a poster child and feeling temped to break my contract at Red Cliff.
I got there around 10am and Karie in true form grabbed me to participate in an activity. There were about 40 people there- alumni and families. I introduced my self once saying I was a student at New Haven 8 years ago and I now work at Red Cliff. Karie was so thrilled to see me and from that moment on everyone remembered my name even though I didn’t say another word. I was always used as a marker for activities (when communicating which way we should move). It was a strange and undeniable form of attention. I felt out of place or like I was in some sort of time warp. Karie hasn’t changed her style one bit. I sort of went through the motions in an emotionless state of shock.
Next the staff and students had prepared a celebration for this being Karie’s 10th year working at New Haven. I faded into the background and cried. It felt really good to hug her afterwards.
I met one of the current staff, and ran into her a few times. It was strange how much this girl respected me and wanted to hear from me. I don’t remember her name- if I ever heard it.
I ate lunch with Megan, Heather, and Danielle out in a little gazebo that wasn’t there before. I could tell Megan and Heather apart immediately. While there were a few jokes to the contrary, I was amazed how they accepted me as a 24-year-old working at a treatment program. We talked about life now and joked about what happened then. They spoke to me like I was a co-worker or old friend. I loved it.
Then Karie had me as well as some of the other alums speak to the current students. I didn’t really want to at first but Karie didn’t make it a choice. It wasn’t so bad. It was like a mental health panel but there was only 35 in the audience- all teens in treatment, there were more panelist, no one was obligated to respond to any one question and best of all I wasn’t responsible for the result. I felt a little in genuine when discussing relapse because I only talked about things that happened the first 4 years after I left. That seemed to be what most were interested in any way.
Later that day I was planning to eat dinner with Karie, Karl, and the alum families then spend the night at Megan’s house. The late afternoon was difficult but not as difficult as I thought it would be. There was free time to mingle with the alum families when the staff I knew was busy. I didn’t fit in at all with the recent graduates. I tried to tag along anyway to get some space from their parents but it didn’t work. They were generally nice to me… just treated me like I was staff. It makes sense though given one of my early conversations with a group of them went something like…
“Hey Lila when you got here today did you feel weird, like you needed to give the staff your shoes?”
“Well… no. I mean it’s been 8 years since I was a student here and I now work at a program where I’m the one taking student’s shoes.”
I’m not sure anyone there was capable of making me feel like I was 16 again regardless of what they said. That didn’t accure to me until that question.
The parents on the other hand, while not as bad as I was afraid of, definitely wanted to talk to me… about anything. Where I grew up, where I went to college, and where I work now were the 3 most popular topics. I know they see hope for their daughter when they see me. This group seemed secure enough that they didn’t overwhelm me yet there is a certain amount of pressure to being so alone and the center of attention.
I left NH early enough to wonder around Provo, make some phone calls, and still get to the restaurant first. I needed some time away from the parents.
Karl recognized me right away even though he didn’t know I was coming. I couldn’t talk to him much because I got pressured into sitting at a table with parents ( I can’t remember the last time I walked into I dinning area and heard someone call out “Oh, Lila come sit by us.” Particularly when I don’t even know the speakers name). Dinner was friendly and low pressure. They were nice people that didn’t focus on me.
For about 2 hours after dinner I sat outside and talked to Karl and Karie. We joked around some and talked some about work and different therapeutic models. At one point Karie stopped and said she loved the fact that I am now a colleague of hers. Karl then joked about it agreeingly. It was strange to me that she chose the word colleague but I took it as one of the biggest compliments I have ever received coming from the 2 rec therapists I respect most.
I ended up not spending the night with Megan on account of some policy about old students sleeping at the houses of staff so I drove home. My last conversation on the phone with Megan was weird though. She was bothered that I couldn’t spend the night with her and worried that she wouldn’t hear from me again soon but was glad she now had my email address and number. I told her I would stay in touch now that I have gotten over my fear of going near NH. She said that the way she feels about me hasn’t changed over the 8 years. This conversation was odd to me. Of all the staff I have worked with in programs I was in I was closest to Megan but I have since figured it was partially one sided. Not that she was fake but that she was a staff with many students and I figured she would have moved on after a year or so. It wasn’t until I started working at Red Cliff that I realized that maybe the staff members that I thought cared about me, actually did in a way that would make them want to talk to me 8 years later. Everyone was happy to see me, Megan was clearly bothered by the idea that she might not see me again… I somehow didn’t expect it to be that obvious.
Overall that day went wonderfully. I felt more respected then I have in a long time, and not just by parents inadvertently pressuring me to pretend I’m something I’m not. I’ve almost felt like I’ve been in shock since.
Part of me wants to quit my job at Red Cliff and work at NH where I can work more with individual students… have a relationship like mine with Megan. I still have more to learn at RCA though. I think I might in a year or so though.