(no subject)
Why are people so evil?
My co-workers/friends wanted to come over my house and have dinner since I brag about cooking all the time. We made plans last week. I couldn't really afford it, but I did some shopping at my mom's house and figured if I made turkey lasagna, all I'd have to buy was noddles, cheese, cottage cheese and sour cream. I was excited about it. On Tuesday, I asked C if she wanted lasagna. She said she would, but she would ask S about it, since she was coming as well. I ask her about it today, since they cut my hours and I won't be there on Friday when she works. I was leaning on the counter and she whispered to me "We're going drinking. At 2pm. All day." Um. I know S is enduring a lot of stress with school and stuff because she's finishing nursing school. I just kind of let it slide. But I had been looking forward to it all week, and now, there's nothing? An interview at a place I really don't even want to work.
It's just been a heavy few days. Monday felt like D-Day. I had to go to work. It was the first week of my truncated hours and I just felt like I was marching to the firing squad. Very melodramatic, but I was just sick about it. Bank of America was calling me while I was getting ready. I slipped it, bitter and not in a good mood. Polish R and I ended up getting into a fight because he was being an lazy arrogant piece of shit and kept bitching about the charts needing to go down to ER, and then would sit down and a read a 3-month-old magazine, insted of taking that shit down himself.
Tuesday was just blah. I didn't feel like writing. I started researching literary agents at like, 2, that morning and just those few hours were so daunting and I felt like I was insane. I've NEVER submitted to any thing, really, except my writing classes and everything got shot down. (I recall someone saying I shouldn't name character Liv because they imagine Liv Tyler, not a sweet black college student. Ignorant bitch.) I hate that I need SOMEONE to say it's good, but I belief enough in myself to keep going. Maybe if I get another idea, I'll whip it out and submit it somewhere. But yes, I was pretty overwhelmed and daunted by what I found. Oh, did I mention that I got a lovely sparkly brown envelope from the place I interviewed week that I really, really wanted. An invite to another interview since I never actually met with the boss? NO. Rejection letter. Four generic sentences on paper that probably cost per sheet than the stamp. Thanks, I'll put it with my others.
So I have an interview with this one place I don't really want to work at tomorrow. I'm not excited, and I know I should be glad that SOMEONE called me back. I know, I'm just a pile of fun right now. Just stressed. The one thing I've been able to maintain since college was my apartment. It hasn't always been the cleanest. I hasn't always been decorated the way I want it, but it's MINE from the green tassels on the decorator rods to the slanted kitchen counters, it's MINE, and it's the only thing I've been able to keep. Not friends, not boyfriends, not confidence, but this stupid 600 sqaure foot place with lights that I can't reach and a garbage disposal that needs replacing. I'm going to loose it. Thanks to the fucking department and it's fucking budget, and me being stupid and not having anything else to focus on but school and that place. I pigeon holed myself into a place that's fucked me over more times than not. I'm tired of taking handouts from my parents, and I'm tired of not having any money for anything I want or now NEED. I'm just so ashamed that I can't even keep what marginal independence I have. From the time I when to BlackHole University, every little "OMG What if..." has happened, except for like, paralysis, death and some debiliating/fatal disease to my stable family members. Thank God infinite amount of times for that, of course. But it's just LORD, I'm stirring myself up into an anxiety attack or something. I need to shut up. I'm just kind of verbally screaming in my LJ, but that's what it's for. Reality bites, lol.
I'm going to go write and yes. Think happy thoughts.
My co-workers/friends wanted to come over my house and have dinner since I brag about cooking all the time. We made plans last week. I couldn't really afford it, but I did some shopping at my mom's house and figured if I made turkey lasagna, all I'd have to buy was noddles, cheese, cottage cheese and sour cream. I was excited about it. On Tuesday, I asked C if she wanted lasagna. She said she would, but she would ask S about it, since she was coming as well. I ask her about it today, since they cut my hours and I won't be there on Friday when she works. I was leaning on the counter and she whispered to me "We're going drinking. At 2pm. All day." Um. I know S is enduring a lot of stress with school and stuff because she's finishing nursing school. I just kind of let it slide. But I had been looking forward to it all week, and now, there's nothing? An interview at a place I really don't even want to work.
It's just been a heavy few days. Monday felt like D-Day. I had to go to work. It was the first week of my truncated hours and I just felt like I was marching to the firing squad. Very melodramatic, but I was just sick about it. Bank of America was calling me while I was getting ready. I slipped it, bitter and not in a good mood. Polish R and I ended up getting into a fight because he was being an lazy arrogant piece of shit and kept bitching about the charts needing to go down to ER, and then would sit down and a read a 3-month-old magazine, insted of taking that shit down himself.
Tuesday was just blah. I didn't feel like writing. I started researching literary agents at like, 2, that morning and just those few hours were so daunting and I felt like I was insane. I've NEVER submitted to any thing, really, except my writing classes and everything got shot down. (I recall someone saying I shouldn't name character Liv because they imagine Liv Tyler, not a sweet black college student. Ignorant bitch.) I hate that I need SOMEONE to say it's good, but I belief enough in myself to keep going. Maybe if I get another idea, I'll whip it out and submit it somewhere. But yes, I was pretty overwhelmed and daunted by what I found. Oh, did I mention that I got a lovely sparkly brown envelope from the place I interviewed week that I really, really wanted. An invite to another interview since I never actually met with the boss? NO. Rejection letter. Four generic sentences on paper that probably cost per sheet than the stamp. Thanks, I'll put it with my others.
So I have an interview with this one place I don't really want to work at tomorrow. I'm not excited, and I know I should be glad that SOMEONE called me back. I know, I'm just a pile of fun right now. Just stressed. The one thing I've been able to maintain since college was my apartment. It hasn't always been the cleanest. I hasn't always been decorated the way I want it, but it's MINE from the green tassels on the decorator rods to the slanted kitchen counters, it's MINE, and it's the only thing I've been able to keep. Not friends, not boyfriends, not confidence, but this stupid 600 sqaure foot place with lights that I can't reach and a garbage disposal that needs replacing. I'm going to loose it. Thanks to the fucking department and it's fucking budget, and me being stupid and not having anything else to focus on but school and that place. I pigeon holed myself into a place that's fucked me over more times than not. I'm tired of taking handouts from my parents, and I'm tired of not having any money for anything I want or now NEED. I'm just so ashamed that I can't even keep what marginal independence I have. From the time I when to BlackHole University, every little "OMG What if..." has happened, except for like, paralysis, death and some debiliating/fatal disease to my stable family members. Thank God infinite amount of times for that, of course. But it's just LORD, I'm stirring myself up into an anxiety attack or something. I need to shut up. I'm just kind of verbally screaming in my LJ, but that's what it's for. Reality bites, lol.
I'm going to go write and yes. Think happy thoughts.