Long, random everythings
So, like always, I have a lot on my mind. At the moment, I don't care as much; I just don't want to write a stupid 1500 word critical essay on my experience abroad. No one cares. And really, why critcially analize 4 months of my life for people? I suppose it's not as bad as the 100 word summary... I don't understand how I was supposed to write anything there. What the hell are you supposed to put in a summary of your life? But that one's done.
I've been miserable off and on a lot lately. Not that it matters much. Just that at the end of the day, I don't really feel like I have much going for me. I work. I eat. I sleep... I can't get myself any fucking place by myself. Joy. And anytime I've tried mentioning it, people just end up making it worse. Or talking about their own problems. Which I don't mind, except if I mention not feeling well, other people talking about their frustrations/sadnesses doesn't help. So I feel cornered. That and I feel like a broken, whiny record that everyone's sick of hearing.
Bob posted a nice little flow chart on tumblr a bit ago. It's really very simple. If you're not happy and you want to be happy, change something. I agree.
Problem is, big problems take long time changing. Getting there though.
At least it's not as bad as the first month back, where I cried almost every night... Not necessarily out of missing but out of frustration at the loss of independence...
I decided I don't think I like the boy with the kid. The kid isn't really the problem, it's that he just isn't what I want. Our conversation on fb is a completly one sided thing (about me, and I really dont even know what to ask to make him talk... I guess a sign that I don't care in that way)And, I know this is horrible, but I can't do the whole "I never learned proper grammer cuz I'm from KY" thing. Becky knows that "your" and "you're" are two different words... and if you're lazy but trying really hard to impress an english major, you get over your laziness because you'll have a better chance at impressing her.
I guess that's the other thing... He seems to be trying to impress me by flattering me? Not by bragging like armyguy, cuz I'd stop talking to him, but hes putting me on a pedestal I have no place being on, especially since he doesn't know me. Don't gush about how you like how i didn't get wasted on my 21st birthday because I'm going against society... My choices had nothing to do with society, and I *did* drink.
Speaking of birthdayness, it shouldn't bother me that whats his face didn't... and the ongoing non communication with the her that for some reason doesnt talk... who doesn't even try. but I guess thats just me. And that one is partially my fault. Prolly cuz my family isnt the norm religion-wise in this city.
Which brings me to another thing that's been bothering me for almost a year. Yes, half of Louisville is Catholic. (I love most encounters I've had with Catholics, I love Cathedrals, I love that Catholisism usually more accepting of things like homosexuality, and appreciate its ties to history. But I dont like what a couple of people have said and done and how they've made me feel inferior for belonging to a different sect of Christanity.(even if I don't know where my personal beliefs are))Catholisim is a huge part of the culture. But if half of the people are, that means the other half isn't. The other half is made of about a thousand different types of Protestants, Jewish, Muslims, Agnostics, Atheists, Buddhists, Taosists... pretty much anything you can think of. Not to mention that there are plenty of people who say "I'm Catholic but I never go to church/mass."
Yes, Catholicism is a huge part of this city. But it's not all of it. To discount everyone else and say things like "I mean, everyone in louisville is catholic..." Maybe that's just me with my usually trying to not use absolutes because um... only a Sith uses them. Duh. Saying "everyone is..." anything is generally a bad idea and it strikes me as rude and stupid to say it. Especially to a person who has lived all her life except for 3 years COMPLETLY outside the whole catholic thing. No one in my entire family is catholic, my nearest contacts were Kristie's husband's family and my mum's boss. None of the people who had a part in rasing me were catholic. AND they all grew up in Louisville. Also, even if saying something like, "Oh... You went to public school. That's okay, we forgive you," is a joke, it's not funny. While there were problems with my education, I don't believe any of it is because I went to a school with boys and my parents didn't pay a state college's tuition for me to go there.
I just don't feel like that's a very Christian/Catholic thing to do or say... That and I've observed a lot of Christians in general not even trying to be good people and doing things I know with my obviously inferior education and religious background to be wrong.
I know it's a silly annoyance, and it's not hugly important to my way of life. Hopefully, now that I've actually expressed it, even if it's silly and no one reads it, I'll get over it. I just hope I don't offend any catholics with my rant, because I truly have nothing against the religion or its prevalence. To me, Christian is Christian, person is person, and butterfly is butterfly. It doesn't make a difference to me. :) Except maybe with hairless cats. But person is person until they've done/said something to be meanybutt is the important part.
And while we're on the subject of old annoyances that keep coming back... "Ignoring" and "stop listening" are very simlar things. I'm not a dumbass, and it's really insulting if you think I couldn't figure that out. AND *niether thing is okay to do for a period of months to a friend.* I also wasn't ignoring lady who said that, I actually got my facebook back just to talk to her. I was the last person to make contact each time. And it's wrong to assume exact knowledge of my life without even talking to me. Logically, it doesn't make sense to blame me for not talking while at the same time admitting the stopped listening-ness. And, the anon comment was right; don't put yourself in the middle of someone elses life, particularly when you dont make an effort to keep listening to them while they listed to you go on repetive rants without complaining, is silly.
It doesn't make any sense to say "You never say anything important" then state undying friendship, after admitting not listening. Yup. Really friendly behaviour. And if I say "just because you're not mentioned in this list doesn't mean I don't care," why the fuck would you go on a rant about not being on the list? I'm not like other people who bullshit stuff when they talk to "friends". I won't make a promise unless I intend to keep it. I'm not going to make a list of infinite people because that would take forever. I did stuff wrong, but not those things. And don't critique me for things you're projecting yourself onto... I know that shit is being talked about me (I'm not an arrogant ass to think that it happens often, becasue I highly doubt it)... Things'll circle round, if they haven't already. I don't appreciate people being turned against me, so I'm going to hope they haven't, even though I get a sneaking suspicion they have. (they have before so...) But I've been wrong before. I'd probably deserve like a quarter of it... But I try my damndest to let people make their own opinions of others.
So... what else is there to get off my mind?... I don't see the point in what a very dear friend is doing right now, but it could be in my head. Possibly cuz I was blunt on my bday cuz I was on the phone with maryanne and ended up being rude to the both of them... I'm not a good person sometimes. Probably deserve not being talked to.
Oh, the obsession of finding a mate/someone to mate with. I go back and forth from being fine alone and being annoyed with everyone's focus on it to being lonely. But really, what's up with all this talk of marriage? And why is it that so many people feel they are worthless without someone else? How the heck are you supposed to be in an equal, healthy relationship if you aren't you because you're whatever society said you should be so someone else can tell you how you should be? It doesn't make sense. In my head, a relationship is two whole, happy people who function as one unit. You mesh and become one, but you are still you.
I feel like I don't have the right to mention being lonely because I turn down guys. Because I know what I want, and if I can tell it's not gonna last and it's not what I want, I won't try it. And when people push, it turns me off, and people are accostomed to pushing for what they want.
That being said, I know of a couple of people I *could* like and would love a chance to become better friends so I could figure that out. But it'd have to be friends first. (People also seem to be so intent on skipping this part: someone shows a flash of potential and you have sex...) I'm pretty sure none of them would be interested in me, though, so it doesn't matter.
Also, why is it that qualities I actually like about myself set me apart from "normal people" and make people treat me... not well. I ranted this to Bob the other day... I'm not really considered a real girl at home because I have half a brain and use it, I have a figure but I just let people work that out without flaunting it and making myself look like jailbait or that I'm ready for sex. I don't want a boy just to look good and because i'm supposed to have one. (and that doesn't mean I like girls.)
And it kinda bothers me that in order to get my families attention I'm just doing what girls are supposed to do, preen my feathers and go out with boys. Course, I haven't done this yet (Kenny decided to do laundry over hanging out-- LAMEEEEE!) but its dumb that my parents dont notice me and my best plan is to work to fit a sterotypical, outdated image of feminity thats still prevalent in society...
I meant just going out as friends, but not telling that part to my family. And making an effort to look pretty without having a special occasion. stupidity.
On the upside, I'm testing!!! If I make it to every class before Aug 7. After a year of being first green... I haven't told anyone cuz I don't feel ready... and if Mr. Bruce doesn't know Mr. Welsh hasn't told him, so I'm not going to tell him... Being silly, je sais.
I don't really expect anyone to read this closely; I'll probably read it tomorrow and think it's a bunch of nonsense too.
I've been miserable off and on a lot lately. Not that it matters much. Just that at the end of the day, I don't really feel like I have much going for me. I work. I eat. I sleep... I can't get myself any fucking place by myself. Joy. And anytime I've tried mentioning it, people just end up making it worse. Or talking about their own problems. Which I don't mind, except if I mention not feeling well, other people talking about their frustrations/sadnesses doesn't help. So I feel cornered. That and I feel like a broken, whiny record that everyone's sick of hearing.
Bob posted a nice little flow chart on tumblr a bit ago. It's really very simple. If you're not happy and you want to be happy, change something. I agree.
Problem is, big problems take long time changing. Getting there though.
At least it's not as bad as the first month back, where I cried almost every night... Not necessarily out of missing but out of frustration at the loss of independence...
I decided I don't think I like the boy with the kid. The kid isn't really the problem, it's that he just isn't what I want. Our conversation on fb is a completly one sided thing (about me, and I really dont even know what to ask to make him talk... I guess a sign that I don't care in that way)And, I know this is horrible, but I can't do the whole "I never learned proper grammer cuz I'm from KY" thing. Becky knows that "your" and "you're" are two different words... and if you're lazy but trying really hard to impress an english major, you get over your laziness because you'll have a better chance at impressing her.
I guess that's the other thing... He seems to be trying to impress me by flattering me? Not by bragging like armyguy, cuz I'd stop talking to him, but hes putting me on a pedestal I have no place being on, especially since he doesn't know me. Don't gush about how you like how i didn't get wasted on my 21st birthday because I'm going against society... My choices had nothing to do with society, and I *did* drink.
Speaking of birthdayness, it shouldn't bother me that whats his face didn't... and the ongoing non communication with the her that for some reason doesnt talk... who doesn't even try. but I guess thats just me. And that one is partially my fault. Prolly cuz my family isnt the norm religion-wise in this city.
Which brings me to another thing that's been bothering me for almost a year. Yes, half of Louisville is Catholic. (I love most encounters I've had with Catholics, I love Cathedrals, I love that Catholisism usually more accepting of things like homosexuality, and appreciate its ties to history. But I dont like what a couple of people have said and done and how they've made me feel inferior for belonging to a different sect of Christanity.(even if I don't know where my personal beliefs are))Catholisim is a huge part of the culture. But if half of the people are, that means the other half isn't. The other half is made of about a thousand different types of Protestants, Jewish, Muslims, Agnostics, Atheists, Buddhists, Taosists... pretty much anything you can think of. Not to mention that there are plenty of people who say "I'm Catholic but I never go to church/mass."
Yes, Catholicism is a huge part of this city. But it's not all of it. To discount everyone else and say things like "I mean, everyone in louisville is catholic..." Maybe that's just me with my usually trying to not use absolutes because um... only a Sith uses them. Duh. Saying "everyone is..." anything is generally a bad idea and it strikes me as rude and stupid to say it. Especially to a person who has lived all her life except for 3 years COMPLETLY outside the whole catholic thing. No one in my entire family is catholic, my nearest contacts were Kristie's husband's family and my mum's boss. None of the people who had a part in rasing me were catholic. AND they all grew up in Louisville. Also, even if saying something like, "Oh... You went to public school. That's okay, we forgive you," is a joke, it's not funny. While there were problems with my education, I don't believe any of it is because I went to a school with boys and my parents didn't pay a state college's tuition for me to go there.
I just don't feel like that's a very Christian/Catholic thing to do or say... That and I've observed a lot of Christians in general not even trying to be good people and doing things I know with my obviously inferior education and religious background to be wrong.
I know it's a silly annoyance, and it's not hugly important to my way of life. Hopefully, now that I've actually expressed it, even if it's silly and no one reads it, I'll get over it. I just hope I don't offend any catholics with my rant, because I truly have nothing against the religion or its prevalence. To me, Christian is Christian, person is person, and butterfly is butterfly. It doesn't make a difference to me. :) Except maybe with hairless cats. But person is person until they've done/said something to be meanybutt is the important part.
And while we're on the subject of old annoyances that keep coming back... "Ignoring" and "stop listening" are very simlar things. I'm not a dumbass, and it's really insulting if you think I couldn't figure that out. AND *niether thing is okay to do for a period of months to a friend.* I also wasn't ignoring lady who said that, I actually got my facebook back just to talk to her. I was the last person to make contact each time. And it's wrong to assume exact knowledge of my life without even talking to me. Logically, it doesn't make sense to blame me for not talking while at the same time admitting the stopped listening-ness. And, the anon comment was right; don't put yourself in the middle of someone elses life, particularly when you dont make an effort to keep listening to them while they listed to you go on repetive rants without complaining, is silly.
It doesn't make any sense to say "You never say anything important" then state undying friendship, after admitting not listening. Yup. Really friendly behaviour. And if I say "just because you're not mentioned in this list doesn't mean I don't care," why the fuck would you go on a rant about not being on the list? I'm not like other people who bullshit stuff when they talk to "friends". I won't make a promise unless I intend to keep it. I'm not going to make a list of infinite people because that would take forever. I did stuff wrong, but not those things. And don't critique me for things you're projecting yourself onto... I know that shit is being talked about me (I'm not an arrogant ass to think that it happens often, becasue I highly doubt it)... Things'll circle round, if they haven't already. I don't appreciate people being turned against me, so I'm going to hope they haven't, even though I get a sneaking suspicion they have. (they have before so...) But I've been wrong before. I'd probably deserve like a quarter of it... But I try my damndest to let people make their own opinions of others.
So... what else is there to get off my mind?... I don't see the point in what a very dear friend is doing right now, but it could be in my head. Possibly cuz I was blunt on my bday cuz I was on the phone with maryanne and ended up being rude to the both of them... I'm not a good person sometimes. Probably deserve not being talked to.
Oh, the obsession of finding a mate/someone to mate with. I go back and forth from being fine alone and being annoyed with everyone's focus on it to being lonely. But really, what's up with all this talk of marriage? And why is it that so many people feel they are worthless without someone else? How the heck are you supposed to be in an equal, healthy relationship if you aren't you because you're whatever society said you should be so someone else can tell you how you should be? It doesn't make sense. In my head, a relationship is two whole, happy people who function as one unit. You mesh and become one, but you are still you.
I feel like I don't have the right to mention being lonely because I turn down guys. Because I know what I want, and if I can tell it's not gonna last and it's not what I want, I won't try it. And when people push, it turns me off, and people are accostomed to pushing for what they want.
That being said, I know of a couple of people I *could* like and would love a chance to become better friends so I could figure that out. But it'd have to be friends first. (People also seem to be so intent on skipping this part: someone shows a flash of potential and you have sex...) I'm pretty sure none of them would be interested in me, though, so it doesn't matter.
Also, why is it that qualities I actually like about myself set me apart from "normal people" and make people treat me... not well. I ranted this to Bob the other day... I'm not really considered a real girl at home because I have half a brain and use it, I have a figure but I just let people work that out without flaunting it and making myself look like jailbait or that I'm ready for sex. I don't want a boy just to look good and because i'm supposed to have one. (and that doesn't mean I like girls.)
And it kinda bothers me that in order to get my families attention I'm just doing what girls are supposed to do, preen my feathers and go out with boys. Course, I haven't done this yet (Kenny decided to do laundry over hanging out-- LAMEEEEE!) but its dumb that my parents dont notice me and my best plan is to work to fit a sterotypical, outdated image of feminity thats still prevalent in society...
I meant just going out as friends, but not telling that part to my family. And making an effort to look pretty without having a special occasion. stupidity.
On the upside, I'm testing!!! If I make it to every class before Aug 7. After a year of being first green... I haven't told anyone cuz I don't feel ready... and if Mr. Bruce doesn't know Mr. Welsh hasn't told him, so I'm not going to tell him... Being silly, je sais.
I don't really expect anyone to read this closely; I'll probably read it tomorrow and think it's a bunch of nonsense too.