(no subject)
I have been listening to a particular song a lot for the past few days. It is called rebellion by The Arcade Fire. It is pretty damn good.
It all started last week when my new phone arrived..it is one of those walkman ones from SonyEricsson. I downloaded some random music onto it, including the album funeral and listened to it whilst working out. It was a mixture of the music and the fact that the headphones totally block out any outside noise, but when that song came on, I was just starting my jog on the treadmill. Now, usually I don't like to jog on treadmills, I find that I am not fit enough to run for more than 3 minutes and that it is boring at one speed and one incline. But, listening to this song twice and getting so engrossed in it, I managed to run for 10 minutes straight, at a reasonable pace. There is something about the song that is just so captivating that it takes you away to another land. I love strings in guitar based music anyway, but the use of strings in this particular track are haunting and I was gone..away..
Since then I have listened to it a few times, but I feel like I can't listen to it too much as it is so poweful, maybe I will get overwhelmed and sucked into some distant universe where everything is fucked up and we walk on our hands and everyone moves in slow motion. I love the power of songs.
It is playing now and I am embracing it as tonight I want to vanish. Go far away, escape into another world however topsy turvy it is and I would relish slow motion. Because this life is moving too fast and too much time passes through my fingers like tiny drops of magic liquid that contain hundreds of experiences that I could have had. Things have changed so much from how I remember them and those memories will never be real again. All they are snippets of a life left behind and tonight, just for a while, I would like them to be real again, to be able to feel the emotions that I lost, that were forced to the back of my mind. Only to be unleased tonight, by certain events.
I went to pick up my things from Adam's house. I hadn't seen him since I got home. It has been 6 months since we broke up. So I knew it was going to be weird. There are so many things that I thought I would say. I rehearsed this moment a million times and when it came down to it, it was totally different to what I expected. It wasn't cold as such, there was conversation and it was polite. But it was devoid of feeling, of sentiment, of any sort of realness. It was like watching a really bad performance..something so wooden and forced that it would make an onlooker cringe with embarrasment. I was numbed at first and then, as I thawed out I proceeded to read my old journals, an old entry here and another one there and then I read letters he wrote me...I became aware of so many emotions that I just don't know what to do with them. Funny what words do to us, scribbles on a page, they can make us or break us.
Closure isn't all it's made out to be....or maybe I just haven't got there. All I know right now is that it hurts and I wish it wouldn't. Everyone tells me not to let it hurt, but the only way I can think of making sense of this is to let it hurt, turn up the stereo, acknowledge it, maybe even wallow in it for a bit. Give myself a certain time limit, plunge face first into it and then, once the time is up, turn off the record, dry my eyes, breathe and walk away.
Awake tomorrow.
Don't look back.
It all started last week when my new phone arrived..it is one of those walkman ones from SonyEricsson. I downloaded some random music onto it, including the album funeral and listened to it whilst working out. It was a mixture of the music and the fact that the headphones totally block out any outside noise, but when that song came on, I was just starting my jog on the treadmill. Now, usually I don't like to jog on treadmills, I find that I am not fit enough to run for more than 3 minutes and that it is boring at one speed and one incline. But, listening to this song twice and getting so engrossed in it, I managed to run for 10 minutes straight, at a reasonable pace. There is something about the song that is just so captivating that it takes you away to another land. I love strings in guitar based music anyway, but the use of strings in this particular track are haunting and I was gone..away..
Since then I have listened to it a few times, but I feel like I can't listen to it too much as it is so poweful, maybe I will get overwhelmed and sucked into some distant universe where everything is fucked up and we walk on our hands and everyone moves in slow motion. I love the power of songs.
It is playing now and I am embracing it as tonight I want to vanish. Go far away, escape into another world however topsy turvy it is and I would relish slow motion. Because this life is moving too fast and too much time passes through my fingers like tiny drops of magic liquid that contain hundreds of experiences that I could have had. Things have changed so much from how I remember them and those memories will never be real again. All they are snippets of a life left behind and tonight, just for a while, I would like them to be real again, to be able to feel the emotions that I lost, that were forced to the back of my mind. Only to be unleased tonight, by certain events.
I went to pick up my things from Adam's house. I hadn't seen him since I got home. It has been 6 months since we broke up. So I knew it was going to be weird. There are so many things that I thought I would say. I rehearsed this moment a million times and when it came down to it, it was totally different to what I expected. It wasn't cold as such, there was conversation and it was polite. But it was devoid of feeling, of sentiment, of any sort of realness. It was like watching a really bad performance..something so wooden and forced that it would make an onlooker cringe with embarrasment. I was numbed at first and then, as I thawed out I proceeded to read my old journals, an old entry here and another one there and then I read letters he wrote me...I became aware of so many emotions that I just don't know what to do with them. Funny what words do to us, scribbles on a page, they can make us or break us.
Closure isn't all it's made out to be....or maybe I just haven't got there. All I know right now is that it hurts and I wish it wouldn't. Everyone tells me not to let it hurt, but the only way I can think of making sense of this is to let it hurt, turn up the stereo, acknowledge it, maybe even wallow in it for a bit. Give myself a certain time limit, plunge face first into it and then, once the time is up, turn off the record, dry my eyes, breathe and walk away.
Awake tomorrow.
Don't look back.