"Promise" (Post "Asylum" ficlet), Gen
Title: Promise
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Sam agonizes over what happened and makes a promise.
In the instant Sam pulled the trigger, he wanted to die.
He understood in that moment why the cop had turned the gun on himself. Because he couldn't live with what he had done.
But there weren't any bullets. The empty click of the gun in his hand was like a gift from god. For once, Sam was thankful Dean hadn't trusted him.
It was the aftermath of it all that really hurt. The dispair Sam felt when Dean refused to talk to him. His brother's trust in him; no matter how small it had been before, was gone. Squashed by a betrayal that had been beyond Sam's control.
Sam wanted - no needed, to let Dean know he would rather die than hurt his brother. But Dean wouldn't listen. He just shut sam out completely.
And now Sam was alone. He could still feel the cool hard metal of the gun pressed in his hand - still see Dean at the end of the barrel. And he knew the memory would haunt him forever. Haunt both of them, though Dean had seen it differently. His brother had wanted to kill him.
Sam burried his face in his hands, muffling the tormented cry that escaped his throat. He felt hot unwanted tears roll down his cheeks and thought bitterly that he didn't deserve them. He was a curse to anyone and everyone he ever loved, and tonight the last person in his life that meant something to him had almost been killed by him. Crying was not acceptable.
Sam wiped his eyes dry and wrung his hands in anger, glaring at the tears on his fists. He wondered if it would be better to leave Dean and go back to college. He couldn't be hurt if Sam wasn't there. Sam could pick up where he left off in his studies, and Dean could run things the way he wanted without any conflict from him. It would be much easier.
But the idea of leaving tore at Sam. He felt like on more emotional beating would send him off the deepend and he'd go crazy. Possibly kill himself with blame. It was possible. He knew Jessica's death was his fault, and he had always thought it had been the same for their mother. He was most certain.
It was selfish of him to cling to Dean like he was a lifeline, but letting go was a frightening thought. The things Sam was capable of scared him, and he knew that Dean could help him.
Even if Dean never trusted him again, never wanted to speak with him or listen to him again, Sam would stay. He needed Dean. Whatever happened in the future, Sam would be at his brother's side supporting him in every decision. And maybe, one day, he would be forgiven. But Sam wouldn't hope for it, because he knew he didn't deserve it.
Dean's cell phone interrupted his thoughts and he glanced over at his brother's sleeping form in the bed across from him.
Come what may, Sam would be there for him. That was a promise he intended to keep.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Sam agonizes over what happened and makes a promise.
In the instant Sam pulled the trigger, he wanted to die.
He understood in that moment why the cop had turned the gun on himself. Because he couldn't live with what he had done.
But there weren't any bullets. The empty click of the gun in his hand was like a gift from god. For once, Sam was thankful Dean hadn't trusted him.
It was the aftermath of it all that really hurt. The dispair Sam felt when Dean refused to talk to him. His brother's trust in him; no matter how small it had been before, was gone. Squashed by a betrayal that had been beyond Sam's control.
Sam wanted - no needed, to let Dean know he would rather die than hurt his brother. But Dean wouldn't listen. He just shut sam out completely.
And now Sam was alone. He could still feel the cool hard metal of the gun pressed in his hand - still see Dean at the end of the barrel. And he knew the memory would haunt him forever. Haunt both of them, though Dean had seen it differently. His brother had wanted to kill him.
Sam burried his face in his hands, muffling the tormented cry that escaped his throat. He felt hot unwanted tears roll down his cheeks and thought bitterly that he didn't deserve them. He was a curse to anyone and everyone he ever loved, and tonight the last person in his life that meant something to him had almost been killed by him. Crying was not acceptable.
Sam wiped his eyes dry and wrung his hands in anger, glaring at the tears on his fists. He wondered if it would be better to leave Dean and go back to college. He couldn't be hurt if Sam wasn't there. Sam could pick up where he left off in his studies, and Dean could run things the way he wanted without any conflict from him. It would be much easier.
But the idea of leaving tore at Sam. He felt like on more emotional beating would send him off the deepend and he'd go crazy. Possibly kill himself with blame. It was possible. He knew Jessica's death was his fault, and he had always thought it had been the same for their mother. He was most certain.
It was selfish of him to cling to Dean like he was a lifeline, but letting go was a frightening thought. The things Sam was capable of scared him, and he knew that Dean could help him.
Even if Dean never trusted him again, never wanted to speak with him or listen to him again, Sam would stay. He needed Dean. Whatever happened in the future, Sam would be at his brother's side supporting him in every decision. And maybe, one day, he would be forgiven. But Sam wouldn't hope for it, because he knew he didn't deserve it.
Dean's cell phone interrupted his thoughts and he glanced over at his brother's sleeping form in the bed across from him.
Come what may, Sam would be there for him. That was a promise he intended to keep.