(no subject)
...I've come to realize that I'm not the person I need or want to be. I'm not ready for this growing up stuff & it's hard having to realize that when you've been told since age 12 you're so independent & mature & that anything God puts upon your shoulders is sure to be conquered. I'm not so sure that's true but I do wish it was. I've always believed every word spoken by my mother so why is it so hard for me to believe this now? maybe it's because I've finally found something in this place that scares me? Deep in my heart I used to know all the answers to my questions, but I can't dig any deeper to find these answers, so I've decided to make a promise to myself, god & my family/friends to strive to be that person god needs me to be for him. This is a different & very difficult adventure for me but I'm feeling ready to take it on. I've taken the first step & started hanging around with people who actually care about me & who possibly might have experienced this same journey. I have lost a lot of people I used to care about & I still do care about them but as hard as it is to say this I don't miss hanging out with them one bit b/c the drama & issues they carry with them are far to much for me to handle. I'm feeling much more @ peace with myself & i'm learning to embrace who I am. It's been hard but I do have to thank one certain friend. No matter how long we went with out talking we always pick up like we never stopped. I don't think she could have a bigger heart & the best thing is she doesn't even know how much she's impacted my life just since senior year started. No matter what the chaos in her life she always has room for God & her friends & I hope one day someone will say those words about me. Thank you Elizabeth Ann Fowler for reminding me that God is cool & should be the #1 thing in our lives & that even though our friends drink, smoke & god knows what else doesn't mean we have to be around it. Thank you for laughing with me & silently reminding me we are god's children & we deserve nothing but the best. This constant laughter & joy is enough to last a lifetime & I hope everything works out for everyone in the end. And just maybe this time next year i will be that independent & mature lady my mother speaks of.