i feel so far away...
i'm burnt out. i'm lost. lately my brain my thoughts my mind my life has been focused around this losing weight business. its all i think about. its consuming me. i run i walk i rollerblade i take an exercise class. i'm trying to eat better. i've definitely improved from the school year, but i haven't improved enough. the 20 pounds needs to go. i can't live with this unconfidence anymore. i hate looking at myself, i hate that nothing fits. i hate feeling the way i do. it beats at my mind but i'm so impatient. i expect to lose all the fat by tomorrow. i just want to look in the mirror and see something i can accept. i want to grow to love myself and this is the only way. but food is a form of the devil. the temptation, the taste, the cravings, the fat grams. its so hard to say no. to look at it and smell it and know that i am one of those people that can NEVER eat that kind of food. EVER. i do not have the metabolism, i do not have the genes. i do not have the body. its not fair. its the hardest thing i've ever had to do and i've only just started. i hope i can do this. that's not that attitude i need to be going in with. i need to say i KNOW i can do this. this time it WILL be sucessful. but i just don't know. i have my doubts.
i dunno, this summer just needs to be all about amy working her ass off (literally). it needs to become my life for awhile. and once this goal is accomplished i hope it's a lifestyle i can stick to. i don't want to gain all the weight back but it's SO easy to do and it happens so often. here i go being pessimistic again. i need to listen to my mom when she says to take everything one day at a time and not worry about the future right now. too bad i can't do that.
but whatever. all i do is go to work and come home and wait for someone to call me to hang out. then i go hang out with them for like an hour and then come back home and sit. i sit. and sit. i stare at the tv screen or computer screen. why oh why do i always get so excited about summer when this is all i ever do?? everytime i think that every moment will be full of excitement and it just doesn't work that way. not in this town. not with me.
so basically i'm bored and feelin ugly and lonely and wanting someone to hold me and like me and give me some affection. yeah. nothin goin on with the boys lately. i'm kinda waitin around to see what happens with one in particular. not holdin my breath on that one. why can't someone just come along and take me away? that would be great.
yeah.
oh, i need more friends on here, i have like none. how do i go about doing that? annnnd....my birthday's friday. 19.
i dunno, this summer just needs to be all about amy working her ass off (literally). it needs to become my life for awhile. and once this goal is accomplished i hope it's a lifestyle i can stick to. i don't want to gain all the weight back but it's SO easy to do and it happens so often. here i go being pessimistic again. i need to listen to my mom when she says to take everything one day at a time and not worry about the future right now. too bad i can't do that.
but whatever. all i do is go to work and come home and wait for someone to call me to hang out. then i go hang out with them for like an hour and then come back home and sit. i sit. and sit. i stare at the tv screen or computer screen. why oh why do i always get so excited about summer when this is all i ever do?? everytime i think that every moment will be full of excitement and it just doesn't work that way. not in this town. not with me.
so basically i'm bored and feelin ugly and lonely and wanting someone to hold me and like me and give me some affection. yeah. nothin goin on with the boys lately. i'm kinda waitin around to see what happens with one in particular. not holdin my breath on that one. why can't someone just come along and take me away? that would be great.
yeah.
oh, i need more friends on here, i have like none. how do i go about doing that? annnnd....my birthday's friday. 19.