Mirror, Mirror (Otalia, 3/8)
Title: Mirror, Mirror
Pairing: Otalia
Word Count: 59,995 (complete)
Rating: R
Summary: forgiveness is a tricky thing.
Violet
“Well, it must be nice to know how you feel. It must be nice to be so sure.”
“I’m not sure about anything.”
“So what does God want for me? Am I supposed to be alone for the rest of my life?”
“No, I can’t imagine that.”
“Or maybe God has someone for me and it’s just not who I expected.”
Side 1
After two weeks in the convent, Natalia had found only one location where she could regularly find peace. It was a small chapel she had discovered completely by accident in one of the far gardens, those that were left to grow as they pleased, mostly untended. Sister Alice had told her the building was due for renovation in the fall, but had not hesitated to acquiesce to Natalia’s request to be allowed to perform her morning prayers there, assuring her it was structurally sound.
Although nothing in the convent could be described as ostentatious, Natalia liked the simplicity of this building, its unadorned interior. Even more than that, she liked that it stood off by itself, to the side of the main buildings. The location seemed appropriate considering that she spent most of her time praying about problems that the Church didn’t appear to fully understand. So many of the people around her thought the teachings were clear, but no matter how much she prayed, she couldn’t make her faith transparent again. She didn’t know what was best for anyone, anymore.
In the silence of the early morning light, she bowed her head, and prayed.
She didn’t look up again until she heard the sound of footsteps at the doorway. The sisters must have decided to send someone to offer her counsel this morning. Some days they did that; the chosen nun would join Natalia in her front pew, sitting a respectful distance away from her, waiting until she had finished her morning prayers to break the silence.
Natalia always refused to speak to them. Oh, she would exchange greetings, and she would answer the questions posed to her respectfully, but she never went any further.
She still didn’t know what to say.
Natalia didn’t recognize the nun that approached her today, but she was immediately struck by the quiet confidence of her manner--with no visible effort, the other woman belonged in the room. Even without a habit, she seemed particularly well-suited to the austerity of her surroundings, with her plain, dark colored dress, and her fair hair neatly bound.
As Natalia had predicted, the woman walked up to her row of pews and sat down beside her. However, rather than attempting to speak to her, the nun simply studied Natalia’s profile, her expression contemplative.
After a few minutes, Natalia found the silence unnerving. “Did you come here to speak with me, Sister?”
The nun shrugged. “They say you won’t speak with anyone.”
“Then why are you here?”
“I thought you might like some company.”
The sister looked away from her then, her gaze moving to the front of the room. The two of them sat there, side-by-side, quiet, for what seemed like a very long time. Much to her surprise, Natalia realized that as she adjusted to no longer having the room to herself, she did find the other woman’s presence here to be calming, almost comforting.
“Why did you come here, Natalia?” the sister finally asked, her voice soft, her gaze never moving from the front of the room.
For the first time in weeks, Natalia discovered her own voice. “To find answers,” she replied, the words even quieter than the question that had been directed her way.
“I see. Have you found what you’re looking for?”
Natalia’s laugh was soft, broken. “How can you change your life when you don’t understand what God is trying to say?”
“Why do you think you need to change your life?”
“When God feels the need to repeat the same lesson, you start thinking that maybe you should listen.” When the sister looked at her questioningly, Natalia indicated the swell of her stomach. “This isn’t my first unplanned pregnancy. I had my first child, a son, when I was sixteen. I wasn’t married then, either.”
The sister tilted her head, studying her. “So you think your son was what, then? A lesson?” She paused, holding Natalia’s gaze. “A punishment?”
“No, of course not!” Natalia felt horrified, hearing her father’s words echoed back to her. She felt even more horrified when she considered that it was uncomfortably close to her own line of thinking, the past few days. “I could never think of Rafe as a punishment.”
“But you still generally feel as if you’re being punished?” When Natalia was silent, the sister nodded. “You know,” she said slowly, seeming to choose her words with great care, “it’s a difficult task, interpreting the events of our lives. Why are you so convinced that your present trials are punishments?”
“I don’t know how they could be something other than the effects of my lifestyle choices.” Natalia didn’t like Father Ray’s words - had never believed them before - but at the moment she was having trouble refuting them. “You see, in the last few months, in addition to getting pregnant, I also fell in love with a woman. Olivia.” She couldn’t believe how much it hurt, just to say her name. “We were going to announce our relationship, before...” she trailed off, unwilling to state the obvious.
“Do you think your love for her is a sin?”
Natalia had braced herself for any number of reactions: surprise, judgement, disgust, maybe even pity. She found herself more taken aback by the simple curiosity of the question then she would have been had the sister visibly recoiled and condemned her.
“I didn’t...” Natalia searched for the right words. “I had prayed so much, and we had fought so hard, to be together. She doesn’t share my faith, Sister, but she respects it. She says she understands that it gives me strength. I hadn’t thought that we...” She took a deep breath, tried to clarify her thoughts. “God is love, so I thought that He’d...”
The sister reached out and touched her hand. “God is love, Natalia,” she said earnestly. “So, why is punishment your first interpretation of the reason for your present trials? The Bible also says that God tests those who He loves and whose faith is strong, in order to make them even stronger. You say that others have commented on the nature of your faith--did you think it would never be tested?”
“Test all things and hold fast to that which is good,” Natalia murmured to herself. She frowned. “So, you’re saying that God is fine with the fact that I slept with a man outside of marriage?”
“I’m not saying that. I’m saying that listening to your guilt is not the same as listening to God.” She looked at Natalia then, and it was all Natalia could do not to look away. “When you came here, were you running towards answers or away from something that made you feel guilty, or afraid?”
Natalia felt a weight lifted from her, as she made her confession. “If I hadn’t left, I would have stayed with Olivia, no matter what God wanted from me.”
“Do you think God would have asked you to choose? Maybe you were reluctant to leave-”
“-because I was supposed to stay,” Natalia finished, her voice barely above a whisper. She felt her own words as if they had a physical impact; she wanted so much for them to be true.
“I don’t have those answers, Natalia,” the sister said, standing. “But I think you need to ask yourself why it is that you are so afraid that God might be willing to give you what you want.”
She turned and started to walk away, then hesitated. After a moment she moved back to stand by Natalia’s pew. “Father Ray wanted me to tell you that you remain in his prayers.”
Natalia couldn’t hide her surprise. “Father Ray sent you?”
“Father Ray knows that I’m here, and he wants you to find peace.”
Natalia thought she understood the nature of what the other woman had left unsaid, but she found herself touched just the same. “Give him my thanks, if you see him again.” For the first time in the conversation, she remembered her manners. “And you have my thanks as well, Sister...” she trailed off, realizing that she had never asked the other woman’s name.
“Anne.”
Natalia made the connection almost instantly. She had kept that conversation from her wedding shower in the back of her mind, always meaning to ask Olivia about it.
“You’re the nun that met with Olivia.”
“I know Olivia, yes.”
“She said you exchanged business cards--that you and some of the other nuns wanted to rent the Beacon ballroom...?”
Sister Anne smiled, clearly amused. “That sounds like something Olivia would say,” she said, neatly sidestepping the question.
Natalia caught the hint and tried to leave it alone...and failed miserably.
“Why did Olivia really meet with you?” she asked softly, almost pleadingly.
Sister Anne stared at Natalia for a moment, and when she spoke, the words were kind, but very firm. “I think you already know the answer to that question.”
Natalia thought that Anne might have said more to her - well wishes, a good-bye, a blessing - but she barely heard it. For the first time in weeks, she allowed herself to think about the one person she had purposefully blocked from as many of her thoughts as possible. Olivia.
That Olivia would do that for her, would care enough about her to put herself through that kind of discomfort to better understand her and her religion...
Natalia knew that Olivia had sacrificed before, so that she could have the comfort she derived from her faith. Olivia had sat in church with her, and she had held hands at the dinner table and said grace with her, but the idea that Olivia would seek out a nun at a time when she had little to no hope of ever benefiting from the action, that she would make enough of an impression on Sister Anne that the nun had sought out Natalia upon learning she had sequestered herself here....
The knowledge utterly floored her. If Olivia would do this for her, Olivia would do anything for her. How could she ask for a better partner in life? How could her child ask for a better parent?
How could such a love be anything other than good?
And how could she have gotten so confused?
She honestly believed what she had told Olivia, that God just wanted them to be happy. But then, when faced with the consequences of a mistake - one that reflected an even earlier mistake - she had succumbed to the type of thinking for which she had so often chided Olivia.
How often had Olivia said it? “I certainly didn’t do anything to deserve this.”
And Natalia had corrected her, and reassured her, and tried to make those type of thoughts go away...right up until she had believed it, of herself. The way that Rafe was conceived, the way that this baby was conceived, Rafe’s sins, her own sins--she didn’t deserve to be happy. She didn’t deserve the family of her choice.
She had been viewing marrying Frank as a type of penance God might require for her sins. As the only way of redeeming herself, her past, and her child’s future. She thought she’d have to choose between obeying God and giving this baby the family that she wanted for it. And she’d thought she hadn’t been up to the choice.
The truth was, she’d never had to choose at all.
She had waited so long for the things she really wanted in life that she had started believing that she would never be able to have them at all. She had gotten so caught up in her own failings that she hadn’t stopped to think that God might not be asking her to consider doing something she couldn’t accomplish. That He might not be that cruel.
She had just assumed she would fail.
If she had simply talked to Olivia, Natalia now knew the other woman would have seen right to the heart of the matter, would have seen through all the panic and posturing. Olivia had said it before, and she would probably say it again--“You know, for someone with such strong faith, you have so little in yourself.”
Natalia now recognized that this was her chance to prove herself.
This was her chance to get it right. She could give this baby the family she had always wanted to be able to give Rafe. She could surround this baby with people who loved it.
She and Olivia could have a child together. They would both be there, from the very beginning. For the first time since hearing the news, Natalia smiled. Emma would be so excited at the idea of having a younger sibling.
And Olivia--
Natalia couldn’t think of a better mother. She thought of Olivia, of the way she was with Emma, as close as she ever came to light hearted and carefree. She thought of the way Olivia handled Rafe, when she was allowed, firm and direct, everything he really needed, and Natalia herself found so hard to provide. She thought of the way she and Olivia worked as a team, balancing each other, strengths and weaknesses, recognizing the stability such parenting would provide.
Then, for the first time in weeks, she just thought about Olivia. Of her humor, her strength, her vulnerability. The way she looked, when she first came down to the kitchen in the mornings. They way she looked, before she went to bed at night. She thought about the way Olivia smiled at her, as if she’d never seen anything so perfect--of the way Olivia’s fingers felt, as they gently brushed against her skin.
Natalia thought about Olivia until the images came too quickly and the tears ran down her cheeks. She let them fall, finally feeling herself cleansed of all the doubts and fears and sadness she had been carrying with her since she had started lying to the one person who had always been honest with her.
Natalia had accused Olivia once, of selling her short. Now she had to direct the same accusation back at herself. She should have taken Olivia’s words to heart.
Because it was Olivia, who thought her soul was a lost battleground and who still waited for lightening to strike every time she entered a church--it was Olivia, who had gotten it right, and Natalia who had gotten it wrong.
God could never hate her.
Natalia had thought she was being punished, when in reality she had so many gifts. No matter how it had been conceived, God had given her this baby. He had given her this family. He had given her this love.
He had given her Olivia.
And Natalia didn’t know how she hadn’t seen it before.
***
Natalia folded the last of her shirts and placed it carefully in her bag. She would be leaving to go back to Springfield tomorrow. Although she still felt some nervousness about facing Olivia, telling her about the baby, the terror that had overwhelmed her for so long was now gone.
Mostly, she felt relief, stronger than she had ever felt it before. She wouldn’t have to hurt Olivia. She didn’t have to break her heart. There was no reason they couldn’t be together.
Most of their obstacles were already gone. They had either dealt with them together, or they had never existed. Of the few remaining, Natalia now felt ready to face them. She would talk to Rafe--and she thought that Father Ray understood.
As for the rest, it was as Olivia said. “Everyone’s entitled to their opinion.”
Natalia hated that her panic had already cost them several weeks together, but she felt certain that Olivia would forgive her, given the right incentives. After all, Olivia knew how much she loved her.
And it wasn’t as if they hadn’t been made to wait before.
***
Violet
“I wanted to say goodbye. Not to Gus, but to everything we’ve had since he died.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, you’re starting a new life, you know? A new life. A new family. And I should do the same thing.”
“I came to say good-bye too. It’s funny how we were both thinking the same thing.”
Side 2
Olivia and Sam sat across from each other in Company, finishing up their coffee. They had dropped Emma off at camp not an hour before, and now the day stretched before them, their activities as yet unplanned. Olivia had taken the day off work, in honor of his homecoming, but so far all the questions she had asked regarding his choice of preferred activities had been met with the rather vague-sounding, “we should hangout.”
“You know,” she said, “I remember you being a much more decisive person.”
“I am decisive. I know I don’t want you to feel as if you need to entertain me.”
“What you need to do is to decide on something before Buzz feels the desire to feed us again. I discovered a long time ago that 11am is far too early for his chili.”
“You-” Sam paused, staring at something behind her. “Uh-oh.”
“What?” Olivia asked, almost afraid to look. It couldn’t be, could it? Sam wouldn’t be able recognize her that quickly-
She turned around to see Josh approaching their table.
“You promised me I wouldn’t have to talk to him,” Sam said, his expression close enough to a pout that it almost distracted her from her disappointment.
She took a shaky breath and attempted a smile. “And that promise won’t be difficult to keep if you let me do all the talking.” Her eyes narrowed as he made a sound suspiciously like a snort. “I’m, serious, Sam. Play nice.”
“Don’t I always?” Sam’s grin was friendly as the older man walked up to their table. “Hi, Josh, long time. How are Reva and the kids?”
“Maura and Shayne are fine,” Josh said calmly. He studied Sam for a moment, before continuing, his voice low, “And you can probably guess how Reva is doing, considering that you were at Jeffrey’s funeral.”
Sam had the good grace to seem somewhat abashed. “Can I get you a cup of coffee?” he asked, as he got to his feet. “I need to get a refill on my own.”
Josh looked faintly amused at the offer. “Coffee would be nice, yes,” he said.
“No more for me,” Olivia said, putting a hand over her cup. She mouthed a thank-you to her brother as he started to move towards the counter.
Josh waited until Sam had started talking to Buzz before he sat down in the chair across the table from her. “I see that he’s as easy to get along with as always,” he commented.
Olivia offered him her sweetest smile and patted his cheek. “It’s the Spencer charm.”
“I’m not sure what’s more frightening--that expression, or the look on your face.”
“I thought by now you’d be used to both.”
“You have a way of surprising a person. Speaking of which,” he said, studying her closely, “you seem better today,”
Olivia did her best to keep her tone light. “Sam’s visits have a good effect on me.”
“You always did like trouble.”
“Hey, that is my brother you’re talking about.”
“I know. If you weren’t here, I’d probably be saying worse.” Josh shook his head as Sam glanced over at them with obvious displeasure. “He’s never going to let me live down our marriage, is he?”
Olivia pretended to consider the idea for a moment. “I don’t think so, no.”
Josh’s expression softened. “It’s good to see you smile,” he said. “I’ve seen a lot more of you lately, but today’s the first day you seem happy.”
“It’s been a pretty good day, so far.”
She knew it wouldn’t last. There would be the lows--she had yet to have a day without them. The worst time was always the period right before bed, when she found herself holding onto her cellphone, waiting for it to ring. So often, the two of them had used that time to catch up, quiet conversation interspersed with admissions of love. They never got to talk about their relationship in public, so they had learned to balance that with those private nightly conversations, when the kids were asleep, and they could relax and focus only on each other--even if they couldn’t be in the same room.
Realizing the direction of her thoughts, Olivia forced herself to focus on her companion. She noted that for the first time in weeks, he looked less dejected as well. “You know,” she said to him, putting a light note of flirtation in her voice, “you don’t look too sad yourself.”
“I think Reva’s starting to do better...” Josh stopped talking as he noticed her amusement. “Is this still a bad choice of subjects?”
“No,” Olivia said, and meant it. In the grand scheme of her life right now, the fact that she would always have a front row seat to the Josh and Reva show seemed rather inconsequential. “And even if it was, I owe you one.”
He immediately understood. “You don’t owe me anything.”
She wanted to reach out to him again, but thought it would be better for both of them if she restrained herself. “It meant a lot, what you did for me the other night,” she said quietly. At his worried look, she hastened to continue, “I’m not implying that I expect anything to come out of it. But, at that moment, it was exactly what I needed.”
“I think we all need that kind of comfort from time-to-time. Don’t worry,” he said teasingly, and Olivia could tell he was trying to ease the mood, “I won’t tell anyone you’re just like the rest of us.”
“That’s good,” she said. “For a moment there I was really worried that I’d put my reputation in your hands. I couldn’t have Reva thinking I’d failed to seduce you.”
“I suppose if I told you that remark was in poor taste, it would only encourage you?” He didn’t look at all surprised when her only response was to shrug. “I thought so.” He started to get up, then caught her eye. “You’ll call me-”
“-if I need anything.”
“Good.” He glanced over in Sam’s direction and winced. “Just one favor. Try not to invite me over until he’s gone, okay?”
Olivia didn’t even try to hide her smile. “I tell you what, I’ll only do it if I think I can’t live without the entertainment.”
Josh sighed as Sam started over in their direction, balancing two cups of coffee and a basket of muffins. “I suppose that’s something.”
***
“I refuse to believe you are telling me the truth.”
“I’m serious, Sam. I didn’t know she had gone to Phillip’s trial until he came by to thank me the next day.”
Sam glanced over at Emma, presently doing her best impression of the most well-behaved child in existence, her homework in front of her, a juice-box in her hand, and started laughing. “That must have been embarrassing for you.”
Olivia shrugged and shifted positions on the park bench she and Sam were sharing. She looked over to where Emma sat working at the picnic tables, and shook her head. “I don’t know. It did happen with Phillip, the one person I’m most dedicated to convincing that I know my daughter’s whereabouts, at all times. However, she has a habit of trying to sneak out of the house with her pockets full of bus money. It was hardly a situation I’d never encountered before.”
“I guess raising her would be easy after having to deal with me.”
Olivia smiled indulgently. “At least she doesn’t have a motorcycle.”
“Yet.”
“Don’t make me threaten to disown you.”
His smile at her joke didn’t reach his eyes. “You’re trying too hard today, Liv,” he said, studying her. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” She could tell he didn’t believe her, so she tried again. “I didn’t sleep well last night.” When his only response was to raise an eyebrow at her, she knew she had to admit defeat. “I ran into Rafe yesterday-”
“Natalia’s son?”
She nodded. “He is...less than pleased with her continued absence.”
“And he thought that blaming you would make him feel better.”
“It’s a tried and true technique.”
“Maybe he and I are due for a chat,” Sam said quietly.
“No,” Olivia said. She thought about it a moment, then amended, “Or at least, not right now. He might blame me, but I know that he’s scared that he’s the reason that she left.” Despite her angry words to him yesterday, she couldn’t truly wish that feeling on anyone, not even Rafe. Not even when he accused her of--
“Sounds like he’s as nice as his mother.”
“Don’t do that,” Olivia said immediately, her voice low. She held up a hand as he started to argue with her. “I mean it, Sam. Don’t.”
“Fine.” He glared at her. “But I do not approve.”
She changed the subject. “Ava called earlier today. She says she’s enjoying San Francisco...at least as much as she can, considering she just lost her father.”
“Will she be back here anytime soon?”
“No, work is going to be keeping her busy.” Olivia brightened as she remembered the last part of their conversation. “She promised to make it back here for the holidays, though.”
“I’ll be here, too.”
“You will?”
“Of course I will,” Sam said, and Olivia knew then that he felt guilty, for not being around the last year. “Did you think your family would leave you here, alone?”
“I know you’re out of the country a lot for the newspaper, Sam.”
“Not this year,” he said firmly, and she knew better than to think this was an argument worth winning. “Though maybe you’ll regret it, when you have so many people to feed. On the bright side, I think we all actually get along.”
“Did you get a chance to talk to Ava much, while she was here?”
“Yeah. I like her. She reminds me of you.” He nodded in Emma’s direction. “They both remind me of you.”
“Don’t insult my kids.”
He laughed at the look on her face, before his expression turned serious. “I want you to know that I mean it, Olivia. You have really great kids. I hope I have your luck, someday.”
“You know,” Olivia said softly, “I worry sometimes, about not having Natalia’s influence on Emma, anymore. She was so good at-”
“Stop,” he said, interrupting her. “Look, Sis, I understand if you don’t want me to insult her, but I’m not going to sit here and listen to you praise her either. Especially since every time you praise her, I know you’re comparing yourself to her and feeling like you can’t measure up.”
“Only in some ways, Sam. You’ve even said, in the past, that-”
“It doesn’t matter. Did I ever accuse you of abandoning me?”
“No, of course not.”
“Of abandoning your daughter?”
“No, but it’s not the same thing. Besides, you never knew, about Ava-”
“Liv, I swear to you, I will convince you that you are a good person before I leave, or so help me, you are never getting rid of me.” The small smile that accompanied his words removed much of the sting, and she found she could find comfort in the admiration buried in his mock-threat.
She smiled wistfully. “Then I guess you might just have to stay.”
***
“Mommy, can you bake cookies with me?”
For a moment, Olivia’s surprise kept her from uttering a word. “In our hotel room, Em?” she finally managed.
“Oh,” Emma said. She looked around as if only now realizing where she was sitting, doing her homework. “I guess not.”
Olivia recognized the miserable look on her daughter’s face as Emma picked up her pencil and stared down at her math book again. She hadn’t known, until right then, that Emma had felt Natalia’s absence as strongly as herself.
She walked over to kneel beside Emma’s chair and reached up a hand to run her fingers through the little girl’s ponytail. “You miss her too, Jellybean?”
“Yeah.” Emma looked up then, and Olivia could see her confusion. “When is she coming back from her trip?”
Olivia hesitated, finally deciding on a lie closest to the truth. “I’m not sure, Em. She forgot to tell me.”
“Does Rafe know?”
“I think she forgot to tell him, too.”
“Oh.” Emma frowned, and Olivia watched her process the information. A minute or so later, her face cleared. “Well, next time, we should remind her. Then we can count down the days, like Natalia did when Rafe was in prison.”
Olivia swallowed, hard. She didn’t know how much longer she could hide the degree to which this conversation was affecting her and she didn’t want Emma to see her upset.
She felt relieved as a solution occurred to her. “You know what, Em?” she said. “I have an idea. Do you mind if I make a phone call to your Uncle Buzz?”
When Emma shook her head, Olivia pulled out her cell phone. In a manner of seconds, she had just the person she needed on the line.
“Buzz, I need a favor.”
“I’ll see what I can do,” he said, and she could tell he was amused as usual by her brusqueness. He’d always liked that she didn’t mince words.
“Can I have access to the kitchen at Company for a few hours?”
“Sure,” he said slowly, obviously surprised. He laughed. “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you in an apron. From what I remember, it was a good look on you.”
His words were good-humored, and she knew he was trying to get a reaction out of her, wanted her to fire back. Most of the point of their normal repartee was to keep both of them slightly off-balance--in part, because Buzz felt the need to counteract her natural tendency to overplan. Whatever his intentions, today she couldn’t find it in herself to oblige him.
“Emma wants to bake cookies,” she told him softly, knowing he would understand. “I could probably find some space in the hotel kitchen, but it’s busy in there on Thursday nights, and it’s much less personal than Company.”
“Oh. I see. Of course.” His voice deepened in commiseration, a development that might normally offend her--except that she had learned, long ago, that she didn’t usually mind Buzz’s brand of sympathy. “You know that you two are welcome here, anytime.”
“We’ll be right over,” she said, disconnecting the call.
As she got Emma ready and into the car, she had to concentrate on where she was driving, so that she wouldn’t think about where both of them would rather be.
***
Half an hour after they got back to the hotel room, Olivia found that she was still brushing flour off of her shirt. As a matter of principle, she had refused to wear one of Buzz’s aprons, and she hadn’t yet determined if her pride was worth the price of continuing to find new places where she needed to dust off her clothes.
She looked at the container of chocolate chip cookies on the table. She didn’t know what she was going to do with them all. Hopefully, Sam would be a big help.
She had absolutely no desire to eat any of them.
At least it had been a good evening. Emma had made sure to leave plenty of cookies with Buzz and Frank, insisting that they try some as soon as they came out of the oven. Olivia had expected her to taste-test as well, but Emma had been adamant: she didn’t want to eat any of the cookies until she got back to the hotel. Olivia and Buzz had exchanged puzzled looks over her head, but had left the mystery alone. Both had been parents long enough to have more than a passing familiarity with the whims of childhood.
Olivia hadn’t even said a word in protest when, upon arriving home, Emma had stacked six cookies on a plate and taken them into her room. Such an action broke more than one of their established rules, but it had been such a difficult few weeks for the both of them that she thought it best to just let it go.
But she hadn’t seen any trace of her in the last half hour, not even for a glass of something to drink. Although she generally preferred for Emma to feel like she had her privacy, she needed to check on her.
When she walked up to Emma’s door, she found it ajar; a slight push was all it took to see into the room. The sight that greeted her caused her to go still.
Emma lay curled-up on her bed, the book Natalia had given her for Christmas propped-up to the side of her, one of its edges resting against the plate of cookies. All of the cookies she had brought with her remained on the plate; only a single bite was missing from the one nearest her.
“Didn’t you like your cookies, Em?” Olivia asked her softly.
Emma looked up at her briefly, before returning her attention to her book.
“They don’t taste like Natalia’s,” she said, and what hurt Olivia the most was her suspicion that Emma was doing her very best to hide her disappointment.
In that moment, Olivia’s anger at Natalia nearly overwhelmed her. What she felt wasn’t hate, not quite, but it was as close as she ever wanted to get.
She sat down on the bed beside Emma. “I understand,” she said, pulling her daughter back against her. When Emma snuggled closer, Olivia rested her chin on the top of the little girl’s head.
They sat like that for a long time, long enough for Emma to finally fall asleep. As Olivia moved her daughter so that her head rested on her pillows, she recognized that it was time for her to do what she’d been putting off now for far too long.
***
Olivia carefully laid the bouquet of white roses on the grass. For a moment, she sat in silence, gathering her courage for what she needed to say aloud.
“I’m here to ask you how to say good-bye again,” she said softly, as she looked around the graveyard. Sighing, she focused on the task at hand, reached out to lightly touch the roses. “You would think this would be easier, the second time, but it’s not.” She bit her lip. If she could help it, she would not cry.
“I think I love her more now than I did then, if that’s even possible. This time, she’s done more than make me feel as if my heart is broken--she’s made me feel as if it no longer exists. She took it with her, Gus. She took the best part of me with her, and she left the rest of me here, alone.”
Olivia paused and looked around again. She could feel the heat of the sun on her back, another contrast, another way of grounding her. This wasn’t the same as before.
“I hate being angry at her,” she continued, “I know we used to fight all the time, but it’s not the same. We’re different people, of course we argued. The anger I feel now, it’s real and it’s deep, and I don’t think it’s ever going leave me. She left...” Olivia took a deep breath, momentarily closed her eyes. “She left, but it’s here to stay.” She gripped her legs, trying to hold herself together.
“She hurt me, Gus,” she said, hearing the rawness of her own voice. “She hurt me more than even I thought possible, and I knew something about what it would feel like, if she ever went away. I thought I had felt it all before, but I hadn’t even come close.” She started to touch the flowers again, then pulled her hand back.
“I can’t ever do this again, Gus. It’s not fair to my daughter. If Sam hadn’t been here, helping me, I think it would have been so much worse. Emma’s not really old enough to understand all of it, but I see her looking at me, sometimes. She knows that something is wrong. She knows that when Natalia is not here in our lives, something is not right with her world.”
“And as for Sam-” Olivia took a deep breath, “well, you probably understand what it does to me, seeing him think so poorly of her. I told her once that nobody could ever hate her, but he’s doing his best to prove me wrong, and I can’t find the words to stop him. She’s left me, here, alone, without a word in her defense.”
“The worst part about it is that there’s no hope for us now. Even if she comes back, I can’t take the chance that she’ll do it again.” Olivia couldn’t help a quiet sob at the admission, but she managed to remain dry-eyed. “Our relationship, Gus, it was so...” the closest word she could think of seemed so wrong that she didn’t even want to say it out loud. Pure. “...whatever it was, she ruined it. I never believed anyone else when they said that they wouldn’t hurt me. But I believed her.”
She took another deep breath. Almost done now. “I loved her, Gus,” she said quietly. “I will always love her. I don’t know how I’ll be able to accept any other type of relationship, now that I’ve known what it can be like, with her in my life. Maybe it’s better, that we never took it to the next level. I’m not sure I would have survived what I’m going through right now.”
Olivia put her hand over her heart, tapping her chest. “She has my heart, and she can keep it, because I don’t think I’ll ever be needing it in that way again. This heart has spent so much time belonging to her that I don’t think it would even recognize another owner--anyone other than her would be rejected. That part of my life, it ended with her. It’s over. We’re over.”
She sat back on her heels, needing to give herself some distance. “I came here today to say good-bye to her, and I came here to say good-bye to you. I hope you’re happy, Gus, wherever you are.”
Her voice lowered to a whisper. “And I hope she is happy, too.”
Olivia slowly stood up to leave, her eyes still dry. She had done it. She had said good-bye.
And she hadn’t shed a single tear.
***
Sam was waiting for her outside the entrance to the graveyard. He took one look at her face, then looked away. “I’m sorry I have to leave.”
“Sam,” she said, surprised that she managed to put so much emotion in a word when she felt so utterly drained. “You’ve taken too much time off from work as it is. You need to get back to your life.”
“I’ll be back for the holidays,” he assured her.
“I hope you can be here, but it’s alright if you’re not. You being with me, right now, it’s meant so much to me. I don’t know what I would have done...” she paused, waiting for him to look at her before she said, quietly, “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” He pulled her into a hug, and for one moment she allowed herself to relax...at least until he started speaking again. “Promise me something.”
She pulled back to eye him warily. “What?”
“You forgive so easily, Liv. Promise me-”
She didn’t even need to wait for him to finish. “I promise.”
He looked surprised that she would agree so readily, not understanding that she had no reason to argue with him.
She had already said her good-byes.
***
Part 4a
Pairing: Otalia
Word Count: 59,995 (complete)
Rating: R
Summary: forgiveness is a tricky thing.
Violet
“Well, it must be nice to know how you feel. It must be nice to be so sure.”
“I’m not sure about anything.”
“So what does God want for me? Am I supposed to be alone for the rest of my life?”
“No, I can’t imagine that.”
“Or maybe God has someone for me and it’s just not who I expected.”
Side 1
After two weeks in the convent, Natalia had found only one location where she could regularly find peace. It was a small chapel she had discovered completely by accident in one of the far gardens, those that were left to grow as they pleased, mostly untended. Sister Alice had told her the building was due for renovation in the fall, but had not hesitated to acquiesce to Natalia’s request to be allowed to perform her morning prayers there, assuring her it was structurally sound.
Although nothing in the convent could be described as ostentatious, Natalia liked the simplicity of this building, its unadorned interior. Even more than that, she liked that it stood off by itself, to the side of the main buildings. The location seemed appropriate considering that she spent most of her time praying about problems that the Church didn’t appear to fully understand. So many of the people around her thought the teachings were clear, but no matter how much she prayed, she couldn’t make her faith transparent again. She didn’t know what was best for anyone, anymore.
In the silence of the early morning light, she bowed her head, and prayed.
She didn’t look up again until she heard the sound of footsteps at the doorway. The sisters must have decided to send someone to offer her counsel this morning. Some days they did that; the chosen nun would join Natalia in her front pew, sitting a respectful distance away from her, waiting until she had finished her morning prayers to break the silence.
Natalia always refused to speak to them. Oh, she would exchange greetings, and she would answer the questions posed to her respectfully, but she never went any further.
She still didn’t know what to say.
Natalia didn’t recognize the nun that approached her today, but she was immediately struck by the quiet confidence of her manner--with no visible effort, the other woman belonged in the room. Even without a habit, she seemed particularly well-suited to the austerity of her surroundings, with her plain, dark colored dress, and her fair hair neatly bound.
As Natalia had predicted, the woman walked up to her row of pews and sat down beside her. However, rather than attempting to speak to her, the nun simply studied Natalia’s profile, her expression contemplative.
After a few minutes, Natalia found the silence unnerving. “Did you come here to speak with me, Sister?”
The nun shrugged. “They say you won’t speak with anyone.”
“Then why are you here?”
“I thought you might like some company.”
The sister looked away from her then, her gaze moving to the front of the room. The two of them sat there, side-by-side, quiet, for what seemed like a very long time. Much to her surprise, Natalia realized that as she adjusted to no longer having the room to herself, she did find the other woman’s presence here to be calming, almost comforting.
“Why did you come here, Natalia?” the sister finally asked, her voice soft, her gaze never moving from the front of the room.
For the first time in weeks, Natalia discovered her own voice. “To find answers,” she replied, the words even quieter than the question that had been directed her way.
“I see. Have you found what you’re looking for?”
Natalia’s laugh was soft, broken. “How can you change your life when you don’t understand what God is trying to say?”
“Why do you think you need to change your life?”
“When God feels the need to repeat the same lesson, you start thinking that maybe you should listen.” When the sister looked at her questioningly, Natalia indicated the swell of her stomach. “This isn’t my first unplanned pregnancy. I had my first child, a son, when I was sixteen. I wasn’t married then, either.”
The sister tilted her head, studying her. “So you think your son was what, then? A lesson?” She paused, holding Natalia’s gaze. “A punishment?”
“No, of course not!” Natalia felt horrified, hearing her father’s words echoed back to her. She felt even more horrified when she considered that it was uncomfortably close to her own line of thinking, the past few days. “I could never think of Rafe as a punishment.”
“But you still generally feel as if you’re being punished?” When Natalia was silent, the sister nodded. “You know,” she said slowly, seeming to choose her words with great care, “it’s a difficult task, interpreting the events of our lives. Why are you so convinced that your present trials are punishments?”
“I don’t know how they could be something other than the effects of my lifestyle choices.” Natalia didn’t like Father Ray’s words - had never believed them before - but at the moment she was having trouble refuting them. “You see, in the last few months, in addition to getting pregnant, I also fell in love with a woman. Olivia.” She couldn’t believe how much it hurt, just to say her name. “We were going to announce our relationship, before...” she trailed off, unwilling to state the obvious.
“Do you think your love for her is a sin?”
Natalia had braced herself for any number of reactions: surprise, judgement, disgust, maybe even pity. She found herself more taken aback by the simple curiosity of the question then she would have been had the sister visibly recoiled and condemned her.
“I didn’t...” Natalia searched for the right words. “I had prayed so much, and we had fought so hard, to be together. She doesn’t share my faith, Sister, but she respects it. She says she understands that it gives me strength. I hadn’t thought that we...” She took a deep breath, tried to clarify her thoughts. “God is love, so I thought that He’d...”
The sister reached out and touched her hand. “God is love, Natalia,” she said earnestly. “So, why is punishment your first interpretation of the reason for your present trials? The Bible also says that God tests those who He loves and whose faith is strong, in order to make them even stronger. You say that others have commented on the nature of your faith--did you think it would never be tested?”
“Test all things and hold fast to that which is good,” Natalia murmured to herself. She frowned. “So, you’re saying that God is fine with the fact that I slept with a man outside of marriage?”
“I’m not saying that. I’m saying that listening to your guilt is not the same as listening to God.” She looked at Natalia then, and it was all Natalia could do not to look away. “When you came here, were you running towards answers or away from something that made you feel guilty, or afraid?”
Natalia felt a weight lifted from her, as she made her confession. “If I hadn’t left, I would have stayed with Olivia, no matter what God wanted from me.”
“Do you think God would have asked you to choose? Maybe you were reluctant to leave-”
“-because I was supposed to stay,” Natalia finished, her voice barely above a whisper. She felt her own words as if they had a physical impact; she wanted so much for them to be true.
“I don’t have those answers, Natalia,” the sister said, standing. “But I think you need to ask yourself why it is that you are so afraid that God might be willing to give you what you want.”
She turned and started to walk away, then hesitated. After a moment she moved back to stand by Natalia’s pew. “Father Ray wanted me to tell you that you remain in his prayers.”
Natalia couldn’t hide her surprise. “Father Ray sent you?”
“Father Ray knows that I’m here, and he wants you to find peace.”
Natalia thought she understood the nature of what the other woman had left unsaid, but she found herself touched just the same. “Give him my thanks, if you see him again.” For the first time in the conversation, she remembered her manners. “And you have my thanks as well, Sister...” she trailed off, realizing that she had never asked the other woman’s name.
“Anne.”
Natalia made the connection almost instantly. She had kept that conversation from her wedding shower in the back of her mind, always meaning to ask Olivia about it.
“You’re the nun that met with Olivia.”
“I know Olivia, yes.”
“She said you exchanged business cards--that you and some of the other nuns wanted to rent the Beacon ballroom...?”
Sister Anne smiled, clearly amused. “That sounds like something Olivia would say,” she said, neatly sidestepping the question.
Natalia caught the hint and tried to leave it alone...and failed miserably.
“Why did Olivia really meet with you?” she asked softly, almost pleadingly.
Sister Anne stared at Natalia for a moment, and when she spoke, the words were kind, but very firm. “I think you already know the answer to that question.”
Natalia thought that Anne might have said more to her - well wishes, a good-bye, a blessing - but she barely heard it. For the first time in weeks, she allowed herself to think about the one person she had purposefully blocked from as many of her thoughts as possible. Olivia.
That Olivia would do that for her, would care enough about her to put herself through that kind of discomfort to better understand her and her religion...
Natalia knew that Olivia had sacrificed before, so that she could have the comfort she derived from her faith. Olivia had sat in church with her, and she had held hands at the dinner table and said grace with her, but the idea that Olivia would seek out a nun at a time when she had little to no hope of ever benefiting from the action, that she would make enough of an impression on Sister Anne that the nun had sought out Natalia upon learning she had sequestered herself here....
The knowledge utterly floored her. If Olivia would do this for her, Olivia would do anything for her. How could she ask for a better partner in life? How could her child ask for a better parent?
How could such a love be anything other than good?
And how could she have gotten so confused?
She honestly believed what she had told Olivia, that God just wanted them to be happy. But then, when faced with the consequences of a mistake - one that reflected an even earlier mistake - she had succumbed to the type of thinking for which she had so often chided Olivia.
How often had Olivia said it? “I certainly didn’t do anything to deserve this.”
And Natalia had corrected her, and reassured her, and tried to make those type of thoughts go away...right up until she had believed it, of herself. The way that Rafe was conceived, the way that this baby was conceived, Rafe’s sins, her own sins--she didn’t deserve to be happy. She didn’t deserve the family of her choice.
She had been viewing marrying Frank as a type of penance God might require for her sins. As the only way of redeeming herself, her past, and her child’s future. She thought she’d have to choose between obeying God and giving this baby the family that she wanted for it. And she’d thought she hadn’t been up to the choice.
The truth was, she’d never had to choose at all.
She had waited so long for the things she really wanted in life that she had started believing that she would never be able to have them at all. She had gotten so caught up in her own failings that she hadn’t stopped to think that God might not be asking her to consider doing something she couldn’t accomplish. That He might not be that cruel.
She had just assumed she would fail.
If she had simply talked to Olivia, Natalia now knew the other woman would have seen right to the heart of the matter, would have seen through all the panic and posturing. Olivia had said it before, and she would probably say it again--“You know, for someone with such strong faith, you have so little in yourself.”
Natalia now recognized that this was her chance to prove herself.
This was her chance to get it right. She could give this baby the family she had always wanted to be able to give Rafe. She could surround this baby with people who loved it.
She and Olivia could have a child together. They would both be there, from the very beginning. For the first time since hearing the news, Natalia smiled. Emma would be so excited at the idea of having a younger sibling.
And Olivia--
Natalia couldn’t think of a better mother. She thought of Olivia, of the way she was with Emma, as close as she ever came to light hearted and carefree. She thought of the way Olivia handled Rafe, when she was allowed, firm and direct, everything he really needed, and Natalia herself found so hard to provide. She thought of the way she and Olivia worked as a team, balancing each other, strengths and weaknesses, recognizing the stability such parenting would provide.
Then, for the first time in weeks, she just thought about Olivia. Of her humor, her strength, her vulnerability. The way she looked, when she first came down to the kitchen in the mornings. They way she looked, before she went to bed at night. She thought about the way Olivia smiled at her, as if she’d never seen anything so perfect--of the way Olivia’s fingers felt, as they gently brushed against her skin.
Natalia thought about Olivia until the images came too quickly and the tears ran down her cheeks. She let them fall, finally feeling herself cleansed of all the doubts and fears and sadness she had been carrying with her since she had started lying to the one person who had always been honest with her.
Natalia had accused Olivia once, of selling her short. Now she had to direct the same accusation back at herself. She should have taken Olivia’s words to heart.
Because it was Olivia, who thought her soul was a lost battleground and who still waited for lightening to strike every time she entered a church--it was Olivia, who had gotten it right, and Natalia who had gotten it wrong.
God could never hate her.
Natalia had thought she was being punished, when in reality she had so many gifts. No matter how it had been conceived, God had given her this baby. He had given her this family. He had given her this love.
He had given her Olivia.
And Natalia didn’t know how she hadn’t seen it before.
***
Natalia folded the last of her shirts and placed it carefully in her bag. She would be leaving to go back to Springfield tomorrow. Although she still felt some nervousness about facing Olivia, telling her about the baby, the terror that had overwhelmed her for so long was now gone.
Mostly, she felt relief, stronger than she had ever felt it before. She wouldn’t have to hurt Olivia. She didn’t have to break her heart. There was no reason they couldn’t be together.
Most of their obstacles were already gone. They had either dealt with them together, or they had never existed. Of the few remaining, Natalia now felt ready to face them. She would talk to Rafe--and she thought that Father Ray understood.
As for the rest, it was as Olivia said. “Everyone’s entitled to their opinion.”
Natalia hated that her panic had already cost them several weeks together, but she felt certain that Olivia would forgive her, given the right incentives. After all, Olivia knew how much she loved her.
And it wasn’t as if they hadn’t been made to wait before.
***
Violet
“I wanted to say goodbye. Not to Gus, but to everything we’ve had since he died.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, you’re starting a new life, you know? A new life. A new family. And I should do the same thing.”
“I came to say good-bye too. It’s funny how we were both thinking the same thing.”
Side 2
Olivia and Sam sat across from each other in Company, finishing up their coffee. They had dropped Emma off at camp not an hour before, and now the day stretched before them, their activities as yet unplanned. Olivia had taken the day off work, in honor of his homecoming, but so far all the questions she had asked regarding his choice of preferred activities had been met with the rather vague-sounding, “we should hangout.”
“You know,” she said, “I remember you being a much more decisive person.”
“I am decisive. I know I don’t want you to feel as if you need to entertain me.”
“What you need to do is to decide on something before Buzz feels the desire to feed us again. I discovered a long time ago that 11am is far too early for his chili.”
“You-” Sam paused, staring at something behind her. “Uh-oh.”
“What?” Olivia asked, almost afraid to look. It couldn’t be, could it? Sam wouldn’t be able recognize her that quickly-
She turned around to see Josh approaching their table.
“You promised me I wouldn’t have to talk to him,” Sam said, his expression close enough to a pout that it almost distracted her from her disappointment.
She took a shaky breath and attempted a smile. “And that promise won’t be difficult to keep if you let me do all the talking.” Her eyes narrowed as he made a sound suspiciously like a snort. “I’m, serious, Sam. Play nice.”
“Don’t I always?” Sam’s grin was friendly as the older man walked up to their table. “Hi, Josh, long time. How are Reva and the kids?”
“Maura and Shayne are fine,” Josh said calmly. He studied Sam for a moment, before continuing, his voice low, “And you can probably guess how Reva is doing, considering that you were at Jeffrey’s funeral.”
Sam had the good grace to seem somewhat abashed. “Can I get you a cup of coffee?” he asked, as he got to his feet. “I need to get a refill on my own.”
Josh looked faintly amused at the offer. “Coffee would be nice, yes,” he said.
“No more for me,” Olivia said, putting a hand over her cup. She mouthed a thank-you to her brother as he started to move towards the counter.
Josh waited until Sam had started talking to Buzz before he sat down in the chair across the table from her. “I see that he’s as easy to get along with as always,” he commented.
Olivia offered him her sweetest smile and patted his cheek. “It’s the Spencer charm.”
“I’m not sure what’s more frightening--that expression, or the look on your face.”
“I thought by now you’d be used to both.”
“You have a way of surprising a person. Speaking of which,” he said, studying her closely, “you seem better today,”
Olivia did her best to keep her tone light. “Sam’s visits have a good effect on me.”
“You always did like trouble.”
“Hey, that is my brother you’re talking about.”
“I know. If you weren’t here, I’d probably be saying worse.” Josh shook his head as Sam glanced over at them with obvious displeasure. “He’s never going to let me live down our marriage, is he?”
Olivia pretended to consider the idea for a moment. “I don’t think so, no.”
Josh’s expression softened. “It’s good to see you smile,” he said. “I’ve seen a lot more of you lately, but today’s the first day you seem happy.”
“It’s been a pretty good day, so far.”
She knew it wouldn’t last. There would be the lows--she had yet to have a day without them. The worst time was always the period right before bed, when she found herself holding onto her cellphone, waiting for it to ring. So often, the two of them had used that time to catch up, quiet conversation interspersed with admissions of love. They never got to talk about their relationship in public, so they had learned to balance that with those private nightly conversations, when the kids were asleep, and they could relax and focus only on each other--even if they couldn’t be in the same room.
Realizing the direction of her thoughts, Olivia forced herself to focus on her companion. She noted that for the first time in weeks, he looked less dejected as well. “You know,” she said to him, putting a light note of flirtation in her voice, “you don’t look too sad yourself.”
“I think Reva’s starting to do better...” Josh stopped talking as he noticed her amusement. “Is this still a bad choice of subjects?”
“No,” Olivia said, and meant it. In the grand scheme of her life right now, the fact that she would always have a front row seat to the Josh and Reva show seemed rather inconsequential. “And even if it was, I owe you one.”
He immediately understood. “You don’t owe me anything.”
She wanted to reach out to him again, but thought it would be better for both of them if she restrained herself. “It meant a lot, what you did for me the other night,” she said quietly. At his worried look, she hastened to continue, “I’m not implying that I expect anything to come out of it. But, at that moment, it was exactly what I needed.”
“I think we all need that kind of comfort from time-to-time. Don’t worry,” he said teasingly, and Olivia could tell he was trying to ease the mood, “I won’t tell anyone you’re just like the rest of us.”
“That’s good,” she said. “For a moment there I was really worried that I’d put my reputation in your hands. I couldn’t have Reva thinking I’d failed to seduce you.”
“I suppose if I told you that remark was in poor taste, it would only encourage you?” He didn’t look at all surprised when her only response was to shrug. “I thought so.” He started to get up, then caught her eye. “You’ll call me-”
“-if I need anything.”
“Good.” He glanced over in Sam’s direction and winced. “Just one favor. Try not to invite me over until he’s gone, okay?”
Olivia didn’t even try to hide her smile. “I tell you what, I’ll only do it if I think I can’t live without the entertainment.”
Josh sighed as Sam started over in their direction, balancing two cups of coffee and a basket of muffins. “I suppose that’s something.”
***
“I refuse to believe you are telling me the truth.”
“I’m serious, Sam. I didn’t know she had gone to Phillip’s trial until he came by to thank me the next day.”
Sam glanced over at Emma, presently doing her best impression of the most well-behaved child in existence, her homework in front of her, a juice-box in her hand, and started laughing. “That must have been embarrassing for you.”
Olivia shrugged and shifted positions on the park bench she and Sam were sharing. She looked over to where Emma sat working at the picnic tables, and shook her head. “I don’t know. It did happen with Phillip, the one person I’m most dedicated to convincing that I know my daughter’s whereabouts, at all times. However, she has a habit of trying to sneak out of the house with her pockets full of bus money. It was hardly a situation I’d never encountered before.”
“I guess raising her would be easy after having to deal with me.”
Olivia smiled indulgently. “At least she doesn’t have a motorcycle.”
“Yet.”
“Don’t make me threaten to disown you.”
His smile at her joke didn’t reach his eyes. “You’re trying too hard today, Liv,” he said, studying her. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” She could tell he didn’t believe her, so she tried again. “I didn’t sleep well last night.” When his only response was to raise an eyebrow at her, she knew she had to admit defeat. “I ran into Rafe yesterday-”
“Natalia’s son?”
She nodded. “He is...less than pleased with her continued absence.”
“And he thought that blaming you would make him feel better.”
“It’s a tried and true technique.”
“Maybe he and I are due for a chat,” Sam said quietly.
“No,” Olivia said. She thought about it a moment, then amended, “Or at least, not right now. He might blame me, but I know that he’s scared that he’s the reason that she left.” Despite her angry words to him yesterday, she couldn’t truly wish that feeling on anyone, not even Rafe. Not even when he accused her of--
“Sounds like he’s as nice as his mother.”
“Don’t do that,” Olivia said immediately, her voice low. She held up a hand as he started to argue with her. “I mean it, Sam. Don’t.”
“Fine.” He glared at her. “But I do not approve.”
She changed the subject. “Ava called earlier today. She says she’s enjoying San Francisco...at least as much as she can, considering she just lost her father.”
“Will she be back here anytime soon?”
“No, work is going to be keeping her busy.” Olivia brightened as she remembered the last part of their conversation. “She promised to make it back here for the holidays, though.”
“I’ll be here, too.”
“You will?”
“Of course I will,” Sam said, and Olivia knew then that he felt guilty, for not being around the last year. “Did you think your family would leave you here, alone?”
“I know you’re out of the country a lot for the newspaper, Sam.”
“Not this year,” he said firmly, and she knew better than to think this was an argument worth winning. “Though maybe you’ll regret it, when you have so many people to feed. On the bright side, I think we all actually get along.”
“Did you get a chance to talk to Ava much, while she was here?”
“Yeah. I like her. She reminds me of you.” He nodded in Emma’s direction. “They both remind me of you.”
“Don’t insult my kids.”
He laughed at the look on her face, before his expression turned serious. “I want you to know that I mean it, Olivia. You have really great kids. I hope I have your luck, someday.”
“You know,” Olivia said softly, “I worry sometimes, about not having Natalia’s influence on Emma, anymore. She was so good at-”
“Stop,” he said, interrupting her. “Look, Sis, I understand if you don’t want me to insult her, but I’m not going to sit here and listen to you praise her either. Especially since every time you praise her, I know you’re comparing yourself to her and feeling like you can’t measure up.”
“Only in some ways, Sam. You’ve even said, in the past, that-”
“It doesn’t matter. Did I ever accuse you of abandoning me?”
“No, of course not.”
“Of abandoning your daughter?”
“No, but it’s not the same thing. Besides, you never knew, about Ava-”
“Liv, I swear to you, I will convince you that you are a good person before I leave, or so help me, you are never getting rid of me.” The small smile that accompanied his words removed much of the sting, and she found she could find comfort in the admiration buried in his mock-threat.
She smiled wistfully. “Then I guess you might just have to stay.”
***
“Mommy, can you bake cookies with me?”
For a moment, Olivia’s surprise kept her from uttering a word. “In our hotel room, Em?” she finally managed.
“Oh,” Emma said. She looked around as if only now realizing where she was sitting, doing her homework. “I guess not.”
Olivia recognized the miserable look on her daughter’s face as Emma picked up her pencil and stared down at her math book again. She hadn’t known, until right then, that Emma had felt Natalia’s absence as strongly as herself.
She walked over to kneel beside Emma’s chair and reached up a hand to run her fingers through the little girl’s ponytail. “You miss her too, Jellybean?”
“Yeah.” Emma looked up then, and Olivia could see her confusion. “When is she coming back from her trip?”
Olivia hesitated, finally deciding on a lie closest to the truth. “I’m not sure, Em. She forgot to tell me.”
“Does Rafe know?”
“I think she forgot to tell him, too.”
“Oh.” Emma frowned, and Olivia watched her process the information. A minute or so later, her face cleared. “Well, next time, we should remind her. Then we can count down the days, like Natalia did when Rafe was in prison.”
Olivia swallowed, hard. She didn’t know how much longer she could hide the degree to which this conversation was affecting her and she didn’t want Emma to see her upset.
She felt relieved as a solution occurred to her. “You know what, Em?” she said. “I have an idea. Do you mind if I make a phone call to your Uncle Buzz?”
When Emma shook her head, Olivia pulled out her cell phone. In a manner of seconds, she had just the person she needed on the line.
“Buzz, I need a favor.”
“I’ll see what I can do,” he said, and she could tell he was amused as usual by her brusqueness. He’d always liked that she didn’t mince words.
“Can I have access to the kitchen at Company for a few hours?”
“Sure,” he said slowly, obviously surprised. He laughed. “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you in an apron. From what I remember, it was a good look on you.”
His words were good-humored, and she knew he was trying to get a reaction out of her, wanted her to fire back. Most of the point of their normal repartee was to keep both of them slightly off-balance--in part, because Buzz felt the need to counteract her natural tendency to overplan. Whatever his intentions, today she couldn’t find it in herself to oblige him.
“Emma wants to bake cookies,” she told him softly, knowing he would understand. “I could probably find some space in the hotel kitchen, but it’s busy in there on Thursday nights, and it’s much less personal than Company.”
“Oh. I see. Of course.” His voice deepened in commiseration, a development that might normally offend her--except that she had learned, long ago, that she didn’t usually mind Buzz’s brand of sympathy. “You know that you two are welcome here, anytime.”
“We’ll be right over,” she said, disconnecting the call.
As she got Emma ready and into the car, she had to concentrate on where she was driving, so that she wouldn’t think about where both of them would rather be.
***
Half an hour after they got back to the hotel room, Olivia found that she was still brushing flour off of her shirt. As a matter of principle, she had refused to wear one of Buzz’s aprons, and she hadn’t yet determined if her pride was worth the price of continuing to find new places where she needed to dust off her clothes.
She looked at the container of chocolate chip cookies on the table. She didn’t know what she was going to do with them all. Hopefully, Sam would be a big help.
She had absolutely no desire to eat any of them.
At least it had been a good evening. Emma had made sure to leave plenty of cookies with Buzz and Frank, insisting that they try some as soon as they came out of the oven. Olivia had expected her to taste-test as well, but Emma had been adamant: she didn’t want to eat any of the cookies until she got back to the hotel. Olivia and Buzz had exchanged puzzled looks over her head, but had left the mystery alone. Both had been parents long enough to have more than a passing familiarity with the whims of childhood.
Olivia hadn’t even said a word in protest when, upon arriving home, Emma had stacked six cookies on a plate and taken them into her room. Such an action broke more than one of their established rules, but it had been such a difficult few weeks for the both of them that she thought it best to just let it go.
But she hadn’t seen any trace of her in the last half hour, not even for a glass of something to drink. Although she generally preferred for Emma to feel like she had her privacy, she needed to check on her.
When she walked up to Emma’s door, she found it ajar; a slight push was all it took to see into the room. The sight that greeted her caused her to go still.
Emma lay curled-up on her bed, the book Natalia had given her for Christmas propped-up to the side of her, one of its edges resting against the plate of cookies. All of the cookies she had brought with her remained on the plate; only a single bite was missing from the one nearest her.
“Didn’t you like your cookies, Em?” Olivia asked her softly.
Emma looked up at her briefly, before returning her attention to her book.
“They don’t taste like Natalia’s,” she said, and what hurt Olivia the most was her suspicion that Emma was doing her very best to hide her disappointment.
In that moment, Olivia’s anger at Natalia nearly overwhelmed her. What she felt wasn’t hate, not quite, but it was as close as she ever wanted to get.
She sat down on the bed beside Emma. “I understand,” she said, pulling her daughter back against her. When Emma snuggled closer, Olivia rested her chin on the top of the little girl’s head.
They sat like that for a long time, long enough for Emma to finally fall asleep. As Olivia moved her daughter so that her head rested on her pillows, she recognized that it was time for her to do what she’d been putting off now for far too long.
***
Olivia carefully laid the bouquet of white roses on the grass. For a moment, she sat in silence, gathering her courage for what she needed to say aloud.
“I’m here to ask you how to say good-bye again,” she said softly, as she looked around the graveyard. Sighing, she focused on the task at hand, reached out to lightly touch the roses. “You would think this would be easier, the second time, but it’s not.” She bit her lip. If she could help it, she would not cry.
“I think I love her more now than I did then, if that’s even possible. This time, she’s done more than make me feel as if my heart is broken--she’s made me feel as if it no longer exists. She took it with her, Gus. She took the best part of me with her, and she left the rest of me here, alone.”
Olivia paused and looked around again. She could feel the heat of the sun on her back, another contrast, another way of grounding her. This wasn’t the same as before.
“I hate being angry at her,” she continued, “I know we used to fight all the time, but it’s not the same. We’re different people, of course we argued. The anger I feel now, it’s real and it’s deep, and I don’t think it’s ever going leave me. She left...” Olivia took a deep breath, momentarily closed her eyes. “She left, but it’s here to stay.” She gripped her legs, trying to hold herself together.
“She hurt me, Gus,” she said, hearing the rawness of her own voice. “She hurt me more than even I thought possible, and I knew something about what it would feel like, if she ever went away. I thought I had felt it all before, but I hadn’t even come close.” She started to touch the flowers again, then pulled her hand back.
“I can’t ever do this again, Gus. It’s not fair to my daughter. If Sam hadn’t been here, helping me, I think it would have been so much worse. Emma’s not really old enough to understand all of it, but I see her looking at me, sometimes. She knows that something is wrong. She knows that when Natalia is not here in our lives, something is not right with her world.”
“And as for Sam-” Olivia took a deep breath, “well, you probably understand what it does to me, seeing him think so poorly of her. I told her once that nobody could ever hate her, but he’s doing his best to prove me wrong, and I can’t find the words to stop him. She’s left me, here, alone, without a word in her defense.”
“The worst part about it is that there’s no hope for us now. Even if she comes back, I can’t take the chance that she’ll do it again.” Olivia couldn’t help a quiet sob at the admission, but she managed to remain dry-eyed. “Our relationship, Gus, it was so...” the closest word she could think of seemed so wrong that she didn’t even want to say it out loud. Pure. “...whatever it was, she ruined it. I never believed anyone else when they said that they wouldn’t hurt me. But I believed her.”
She took another deep breath. Almost done now. “I loved her, Gus,” she said quietly. “I will always love her. I don’t know how I’ll be able to accept any other type of relationship, now that I’ve known what it can be like, with her in my life. Maybe it’s better, that we never took it to the next level. I’m not sure I would have survived what I’m going through right now.”
Olivia put her hand over her heart, tapping her chest. “She has my heart, and she can keep it, because I don’t think I’ll ever be needing it in that way again. This heart has spent so much time belonging to her that I don’t think it would even recognize another owner--anyone other than her would be rejected. That part of my life, it ended with her. It’s over. We’re over.”
She sat back on her heels, needing to give herself some distance. “I came here today to say good-bye to her, and I came here to say good-bye to you. I hope you’re happy, Gus, wherever you are.”
Her voice lowered to a whisper. “And I hope she is happy, too.”
Olivia slowly stood up to leave, her eyes still dry. She had done it. She had said good-bye.
And she hadn’t shed a single tear.
***
Sam was waiting for her outside the entrance to the graveyard. He took one look at her face, then looked away. “I’m sorry I have to leave.”
“Sam,” she said, surprised that she managed to put so much emotion in a word when she felt so utterly drained. “You’ve taken too much time off from work as it is. You need to get back to your life.”
“I’ll be back for the holidays,” he assured her.
“I hope you can be here, but it’s alright if you’re not. You being with me, right now, it’s meant so much to me. I don’t know what I would have done...” she paused, waiting for him to look at her before she said, quietly, “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” He pulled her into a hug, and for one moment she allowed herself to relax...at least until he started speaking again. “Promise me something.”
She pulled back to eye him warily. “What?”
“You forgive so easily, Liv. Promise me-”
She didn’t even need to wait for him to finish. “I promise.”
He looked surprised that she would agree so readily, not understanding that she had no reason to argue with him.
She had already said her good-byes.
***
Part 4a