My fresh start just ended
Tomorrow I jump back on the train to Lansing, sigh... This past week has been so strange and wonderful, I wish I could stay in Chicago.
I'll miss walking the streets. Every day as I walked from the hotel to the conference center, I passed by hundreds of people I had never seen and might never see again even if I lived in Chicago permanently. That anonimity might seem isolating or cold, but it seemed much better than what I feel back home. Here in the big city, everyone has seen so much weird shit, I don't even show up on their radar. I'm just another person. Everyone I passed every day implicitly gave me neutral credibility. Back home, there's so few people and everyone's so similar, that anyone who sees me could (and would) look at my clothes, hair, face, shoes and make some judgement (relative income, good/bad, etc). That's still possible in the big city, but nobody has time to judge every person, we're all just sharing the sidewalk.
I'll miss the window in my hotel room. Any time I want to I can hop up on the bed and step up onto the window sill and look down and see someone, anyone. Let's try it now... yup, it's 12:50 PM and there's two people walking up the steps by the river, one has an umbrella (there's also someone sleeping by those same steps, those homeless people remind you of what you have like nothing else). I'll miss standing in front of this window and feeling like part of this big thing.
I'll miss not being home. I haven't had to deal with anything familiar for a whole week. Even the habits and baggage I carry within my heart and minde don't seem quite so bad when they have a clean slate to spread themselves all over. Sometimes I get sick of rehashing all the same painful memories while looking out the same window of my apartment. It's nice just to have a new windows, even if I can't get rid of the old memories.
I hope I can take something permanent from this. I've gotten the chance to see what I am capable of when I get to swim in a different pond. Maybe I can try out some new strokes in my old pond when I get back. I've also gotten a chance to see how my mental baggage can limit me even in a new environment, this will help me learn that I need to drop the baggage now and not wait for some big change, because obviously this big change hasn't caused all the baggage to drop. Some battles are purely within.
I'll be so happy to see all my favorite peeps! Lansing, here I come.
I'll miss walking the streets. Every day as I walked from the hotel to the conference center, I passed by hundreds of people I had never seen and might never see again even if I lived in Chicago permanently. That anonimity might seem isolating or cold, but it seemed much better than what I feel back home. Here in the big city, everyone has seen so much weird shit, I don't even show up on their radar. I'm just another person. Everyone I passed every day implicitly gave me neutral credibility. Back home, there's so few people and everyone's so similar, that anyone who sees me could (and would) look at my clothes, hair, face, shoes and make some judgement (relative income, good/bad, etc). That's still possible in the big city, but nobody has time to judge every person, we're all just sharing the sidewalk.
I'll miss the window in my hotel room. Any time I want to I can hop up on the bed and step up onto the window sill and look down and see someone, anyone. Let's try it now... yup, it's 12:50 PM and there's two people walking up the steps by the river, one has an umbrella (there's also someone sleeping by those same steps, those homeless people remind you of what you have like nothing else). I'll miss standing in front of this window and feeling like part of this big thing.
I'll miss not being home. I haven't had to deal with anything familiar for a whole week. Even the habits and baggage I carry within my heart and minde don't seem quite so bad when they have a clean slate to spread themselves all over. Sometimes I get sick of rehashing all the same painful memories while looking out the same window of my apartment. It's nice just to have a new windows, even if I can't get rid of the old memories.
I hope I can take something permanent from this. I've gotten the chance to see what I am capable of when I get to swim in a different pond. Maybe I can try out some new strokes in my old pond when I get back. I've also gotten a chance to see how my mental baggage can limit me even in a new environment, this will help me learn that I need to drop the baggage now and not wait for some big change, because obviously this big change hasn't caused all the baggage to drop. Some battles are purely within.
I'll be so happy to see all my favorite peeps! Lansing, here I come.