Confuuuuuuused. Huh.
Oh well. First I need to take a deep breath.
It's 1am and I'm still wide awake and everything in my head is mixed up. Very confusing. My Nana always asks me about getting a boyfriend. -.- She's so eager to see me married, becoming a housewife and getting at least five kids. haha. I love kids, I adore them, really. (I mean, why else would I want to be a nursery nurse? Why would I work in a kindergarten?) But I'm only nineteen. I mean, hello? First of all I want to finish my training. And then we'll see. But I'm not letting my Nana tell me what I have to do. No way. It's getting on my nerves, though. But I can't tell her... that there'll never be a "boyfriend". She wouldn't understand that. She won't accept it, she already said something like that. About my cousin, and she HAS a boyfriend. There's something my Nana's not getting right, I guess. *sigh* well. I have to live with that. But, like I said. It's just getting on my nerves. And my Mum doesn't help much with "Just wait till you meet the right man" blah. phew. And I had to listen to that the last few hours.
It's somehow ludicrous and a little bit pathetic that my father is the one who accepts me completely like I am. Pah. But that might be the only good thing he might ever have been saying to me. That he knew from the beginning and that he accepts me how I am, whomever I fell in love with. If he just wouldn't be lacking in other parts of fathership. -.- But there's even no hope anymore that he might change some time. I don't believe he will change.
So, that's what is mixing up in my head. My Nana, my Mum, my father. And then there's that woman I fell in love with such a... well, long time ago, already. Something about five or six years now. But she won't have me, and I can't stop thinking about her. Well. That's pathetic, too. I just can not let go. And she still only wants to be friends. And I can't tell her that my feelings didn't change over the last year. (Because she knows how I feel. I told her and broke contact and tried to forget and I thought I indeed did "forget" about my feelings. But I've seen her twice now since I've been back from Ireland and well, all my feelings are back, too. Unwelcome.) So. That's all swirling around and around in my head. I'm trying to lose myself in some stories but it just won't work, either. I just want to forget and sleep for at least a few hours. argh.
At least I got an new idea for my next fanfiction. And "Something" might be finished, soon. It's coming to its end. Well, I still have another already in work, and then there's that idea for another one. And there's still that Hermione/Minerva fic, as well in work.
Oh my. I might just get into bed and try to sleep... .__.