him
i met him a year ago. what can i say? it has been bothering me for quite some while. i have not ceased to think about him and what could have happened between us, altho i doubt anything would have. we were two completely different people. i could not possibly have been his type. and certainly i could not be with him with just so recently joining with my newfound love back then.
how we met was simple. he was charming. although we didn't talk much. it was alright. i was shy, no big surprise there. i have talked to him after we met that one evening, altho we hardly saw each other after that, and still now i have only seen him but a few times, but the memory of him still lingers in my mind. altho i try not too, and for the most part i dont remember much, nor feel as much either, but it is during nights like these do i feel my heart beat furiously as i shiver with loneliness, wondering. will i ever find someone? was it him?
ever time i was to see him i would prepare myself, reminding myself that i should not have such feelings towards him. for it shouldn't be. he would not like that either, knowing that i have such a passion for him, i use passion for lust is not what i feel. i do not long to feel his flesh on top of mine, joining with me intimately. nor do i feel love for him because i do not think i want to spend the rest of my days with him. i am filled with a passion of wonder. a need for his companionship. to be able to talk with him all night til dawn, to be able to release my thoughts and . . .
it has been quite some time that i had wanted to write about him and i. altho it is not him and i together but separate, as we've always been. even now when i see him, [to a certain extent perhaps not physicially but in such a manner that i know it is him or assume], i block out all thought, emotion, or ne desire i might have inside of me. i force myself to be polite, but not friendly. i try my best to ignore him or better yet, bury myself in conversation as to show him that i am not in the least bit concerned about him or have an interest in him in any way. why? because if i did so, then i should make such a fool out of me, and he would be driven away, by the very thought that i, me being me, might possibly have an infatuation with him, and that would be inappropriate.
im sure, well at least i think i am, that he has thought that i have felt such feelings towards him, and i am sure it didn't please him, nor do i think it now pleases me. i do not want to feel such things towards anyone, especially him... but why might you ask that i am writing all this. becuz it is wearin at me. i am thinkin about him, and i cannot express myself otherwise. i know i have not seen him here, and if so how would he find me? how would he know this is him. i have met tons of ppl since them around such a time. this is equivocal and ppl can interpret it to be almost anyone, within reason of course. ppl here do know him, but do they know who i speak of. this i highly doubt, so i know i am safe to write here, about such an ordeal.
tomorrow after i wake, these feelings will be gone and put away til another night, another time when i feel utterly alone. yes, cuz it is simple. if i do not acknowledge these feelings they do not exist. and to me he does not exist in my world. most likely i am never to see him again unless thru the means in which we have 'met' or well i guess so to say got aquainted, but otherwise even if we do cross paths, it wont matter becuz it will just have been like our last few exchanges with few words with no meanings.
[ but sometimes it is nice to think abt what could happen yes? im sure you all have done it yourselves. to think about how nice it would be if what you felt for someone was reciprocated. yes i think everyone has experienced that, well maybe nevermind. yes everyone has experienced that. i have often thought that maybe he is the one. after learning more about him through unconventional means. he was not what i expected him to be. i thought he was of a certain type of person, but i guess one cannot assume how a person is through how they hold themselves because then they will be either disappointed or as i am surprised. he was more than just a name. he had depth, intelligence, a passion. perhaps not for me but for something that i do have a passion for as well. music. ]
but feelings like this come and go. yes? but why won't mine go. just go away completely. why must they come up in unfavorable moments such as now when i should be studying, finishin my reading, i cannot just stop now. i should just give up my passsage will never be finished as of tonight. but i cannot just stay up or can i? i will feel miserable tomorrow and regret many a thing i did tonight. but would this be included in all that? perhaps not. i feel that as if a burden had been lifted. my throbbing in my chest has lightened. my feelings for him pacified. well at least for the time being.
i think i have said all that was needed to be said, for now. it doesn't matter right? he is gone out of my life. or so i think. but why does his memory still linger here? he has forgoten me, or so as to say i do not cross his mind. why can i not let go? something about him captivates me, and i want to know what it is. what is holding me still to him, when i have met others. i want to destory whatever it is for i do not want to be feeling the way i do. it confuses me, and very seldom but still it hurts.
i wish he would just go away. poof. i'll pray for that. or at least these feelings to go away.
thank you for listening to such a lame attempt at written prose.
i bid you gnite while i just go and wish on that star.
-- s a r a h
how we met was simple. he was charming. although we didn't talk much. it was alright. i was shy, no big surprise there. i have talked to him after we met that one evening, altho we hardly saw each other after that, and still now i have only seen him but a few times, but the memory of him still lingers in my mind. altho i try not too, and for the most part i dont remember much, nor feel as much either, but it is during nights like these do i feel my heart beat furiously as i shiver with loneliness, wondering. will i ever find someone? was it him?
ever time i was to see him i would prepare myself, reminding myself that i should not have such feelings towards him. for it shouldn't be. he would not like that either, knowing that i have such a passion for him, i use passion for lust is not what i feel. i do not long to feel his flesh on top of mine, joining with me intimately. nor do i feel love for him because i do not think i want to spend the rest of my days with him. i am filled with a passion of wonder. a need for his companionship. to be able to talk with him all night til dawn, to be able to release my thoughts and . . .
it has been quite some time that i had wanted to write about him and i. altho it is not him and i together but separate, as we've always been. even now when i see him, [to a certain extent perhaps not physicially but in such a manner that i know it is him or assume], i block out all thought, emotion, or ne desire i might have inside of me. i force myself to be polite, but not friendly. i try my best to ignore him or better yet, bury myself in conversation as to show him that i am not in the least bit concerned about him or have an interest in him in any way. why? because if i did so, then i should make such a fool out of me, and he would be driven away, by the very thought that i, me being me, might possibly have an infatuation with him, and that would be inappropriate.
im sure, well at least i think i am, that he has thought that i have felt such feelings towards him, and i am sure it didn't please him, nor do i think it now pleases me. i do not want to feel such things towards anyone, especially him... but why might you ask that i am writing all this. becuz it is wearin at me. i am thinkin about him, and i cannot express myself otherwise. i know i have not seen him here, and if so how would he find me? how would he know this is him. i have met tons of ppl since them around such a time. this is equivocal and ppl can interpret it to be almost anyone, within reason of course. ppl here do know him, but do they know who i speak of. this i highly doubt, so i know i am safe to write here, about such an ordeal.
tomorrow after i wake, these feelings will be gone and put away til another night, another time when i feel utterly alone. yes, cuz it is simple. if i do not acknowledge these feelings they do not exist. and to me he does not exist in my world. most likely i am never to see him again unless thru the means in which we have 'met' or well i guess so to say got aquainted, but otherwise even if we do cross paths, it wont matter becuz it will just have been like our last few exchanges with few words with no meanings.
[ but sometimes it is nice to think abt what could happen yes? im sure you all have done it yourselves. to think about how nice it would be if what you felt for someone was reciprocated. yes i think everyone has experienced that, well maybe nevermind. yes everyone has experienced that. i have often thought that maybe he is the one. after learning more about him through unconventional means. he was not what i expected him to be. i thought he was of a certain type of person, but i guess one cannot assume how a person is through how they hold themselves because then they will be either disappointed or as i am surprised. he was more than just a name. he had depth, intelligence, a passion. perhaps not for me but for something that i do have a passion for as well. music. ]
but feelings like this come and go. yes? but why won't mine go. just go away completely. why must they come up in unfavorable moments such as now when i should be studying, finishin my reading, i cannot just stop now. i should just give up my passsage will never be finished as of tonight. but i cannot just stay up or can i? i will feel miserable tomorrow and regret many a thing i did tonight. but would this be included in all that? perhaps not. i feel that as if a burden had been lifted. my throbbing in my chest has lightened. my feelings for him pacified. well at least for the time being.
i think i have said all that was needed to be said, for now. it doesn't matter right? he is gone out of my life. or so i think. but why does his memory still linger here? he has forgoten me, or so as to say i do not cross his mind. why can i not let go? something about him captivates me, and i want to know what it is. what is holding me still to him, when i have met others. i want to destory whatever it is for i do not want to be feeling the way i do. it confuses me, and very seldom but still it hurts.
i wish he would just go away. poof. i'll pray for that. or at least these feelings to go away.
thank you for listening to such a lame attempt at written prose.
i bid you gnite while i just go and wish on that star.
-- s a r a h