(no subject)
DUDE.
THIS AFTERNOON/TONITE WAS SO FUCKING ASS BACKWARDS!
so i'm at a friend's grad party (low key). i know her from church, i lived with her for a while, etc.
before i leave i think to myself, hmm i wonder if julie's gonna be there (the priest! sophia and kate). (for those of you who don't know, julie is not only a priest at my church, but also my ex-boyfriend will's mom - complicated, i know.) and i think to myself, sure she'll be there, she's a cool lady. then i think, hmm, i wonder if will's gonna be there? then the voice inside my head says, of course he isn't gonna be there, kate, he's still in school! silly you for thinking that.
well FUCK YOU VOICE INSIDE MY HEAD.
Type your cut contents here.
because who was there? WILL. FUCK ME!!! basically, he's two inches taller and fifty lbs lighter than when we dated. and his hair is shorter. he rows every day of the week, bikes, but doesn't run (he's too scared - he got hit mby a car - when we were dating - i know, what the fuck is that about). he's in extremely good shape, but a little on the skinny side for my taste - it's borderline like man skinny. that boy needs some muscle on his bones. you know how i have really thin shoulders (not my collarbone, my actual shoulders)? yeah, it's kind of like that. but still, bottom line - he looks really damn good.
i''m not like a creep-o or anything. he tells me this shit about rowing, about his life, bla, bla, bla. we talk for a long time. he's soo fuckin funny i cry of laughter like every time i'm with him. he is so hilarious. i casually invite him to hang out. i casually hint that we should chill this summer, you know, if he's gonna be in town and you know, i'm working with his mom at st. matts and all. i jokingly ask him to bring me food at work. his mom is leading a trip to new orleans in the middle of june - he might go. i might go. i'm thinking about it. at first i was like, cool, maybe we can spend some time together on this trip (rekindle??), whatever.
OR NOT. HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND.
yeah, he casually drops the a-bomb on me. and i feel like a total IDIOT! flirtin and all - what the hell is my deal? but i played it totally cool. i was just like, oh, you have a girlfriend? how sweet. where does she go to school, how old is she, how long have you guys been together? *noise and something about a girl who's a year younger than him and goes to berkley i didn't really wanna pay attention i'm sorry the pangs of jealousy were too loud* i was totally chill about it, not all jealous and nosy like, just innocent friendly questions.
but really, i'm just like, dude, what the hell is this about? do i have a stamp on my head that says don't come near me? do i smell like eau d' ward off the guys? is there an invisible sign over my head that says 'i scare guys'? (okay, that last part was a little WAY overdramatic, i'll give anyone reading this that.)
my point is, this afternon was like the fucking twilight zone. i mean come on. seriously.
not only that, but the reason that whole will thing kind of SUCKED was because i was seriously like in the past few days getting over the drama of the whole prom/paulo/=not talking/worrying/being a nutjob thing. so it was like i took maybe three steps forward and about one step back. nothing huge, but not a setbackc my brain needed right now! haha.
but on the bright(er?) side, i am seriously considering going to new orleans. i would go for one week to new orleans with my church to rebuild eithr a house or a church (can't remember). sleeping on a gymnasium floor sounds like crap, but it would be a totally good way to give back (cheesy as it sounds) to the greater community. as nutsobananas as julie is, she is such a blast to hang out with (seriously). a guy from my work is going too (but he's kind of boring).
and if will goes, whatever. i so don't need him/that anymore. my mom said it best earlier on the way home: you don't wana go backwards. there is no point. and she's so right. i am SO looking forward to this summer - it's a totally new time. it's really the last summer to have fun before college (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). i am looking forward to some new faces at work (pref cute guys!) and just kind of starting over there and making a different impression. i'm really excited to make a ton of money with a total of like three different jobs, to meet some new people (again, where are the guys?!?), to read a ton, to lay by the pool and get some sun, and of course to go to PERU!!!!! two weeks in august baby. but honestly, i know those guy comments sounded desparate, but i am looking forward to a chill, fun summer. i am just itching to meet someone fun and laid back who i can have a good time with and someone who can make me smile and laugh continuously. that's what i want more than anyhting.
love you all. thanks so much for listening to my rants and raves. XOXO