the following message is long.. hehe just a warning..
Howdy y'all!
So to update everyone on the stuff going on lately, it's been pretty shitty.
Morgan and I still aren't back together although he wants to, which is comforting to know. He said he has some stuff to work on as well, which is also nice to know because I sure as hell didn't want to have to tell him. haha
We see each other about once a week, sometimes more, but usually we spend time of one day with Emma, just dedicated to her. She misses him so much too. She asked tonight when we were going to be a big happy family again. I bawled my eyes out after she went to bed. It's not so bad when it's just affecting me. I can handle that, but after Emma said that tonight she cried for about 30 minutes before going to sleep. She's hurt too. Now it's a totally different ballgame. I can't stand by and let her be hurt by this, so i have decided to give Morgan a little more time but then that's it. I need to move on if we're not going anywhere. I can't drag this out for months. It would kill Emma. And it's really killing me.
I had a pregnancy scare last week and I was terrified I was carrying the baby of a man I wasn't even with. When I told him I got some mixed messages about everything. He said "you know i would love to have a baby with you" and "I'm not Chris" but never really said that if I was we would get back together..
I feel like I'm the only one fighting for this. I'm the one that messages him or makes the plans or calls to see if he wants to do something. And when we talk I feel like I have to walk on eggshells because he gets frustrated if I talk about my feelings too much and gets sick of hearing them. I have backed off considerably lately in fear of pushing him away.
I'm very torn right now. I want to be with him. I love him and although he has some flaws (i'm not perfect either) he and I are really good together. But I'm also in alot of pain. The worst thing god could have cursed me with is my thoughts and emotions. I haven't slept properly in weeks. Well it's been almost 5 weeks since we split and I haven't slept thru the night once. The doctor gave me sleeping pills but I refuse to take them. I'm already on anti-depressants and blood pressure pills. I want to feel like I'm making a mental recovery on my own. It's embarrassing to think I need pills to wake up and go to sleep. I dont want to be dependant on them...
In other news I have been clean since Oct 16. As you all know when I was with Morgan I smoked pot. I really didn't think I was doing alot but looking back on it now, it was pretty much every night. No wonder I could never get out of bed. I was always burnt out. Stopping has also helped my mental state. I smoked pot to mellow out and try to forget how depressed I was when in reality, it pushed me further into the depression.
This weekend is the Christmas parade and Morgan has agreed to come with Emma and I. We went last year and Emma had so much fun. I'm hoping to talk to Morgan later on that night. I asked if we could hang out and he said maybe, which is always his response.. although usually that turns into a no eventually.
I can't live my life like this forever. I know he loves me or he wouldn't be trying to even work things out with me in the first place but I dont know where taking time to work on problems ends and just stringing someone along out of guilt or whatever begins...
It hurts my heart to talk about him. Sometimes I wish I had never fallen for him in the first place. When i was little i always dreamed about a prince charming who would sweep me off my feet and love my forever. I think I watched too many disney movies or something. I want to believe this will work out and I want to believe Morgan is genuine when he says he loves me and wants to work it out too. It's just hard giving my past track record. I'm starting to think I'll be alone forever.
So to update everyone on the stuff going on lately, it's been pretty shitty.
Morgan and I still aren't back together although he wants to, which is comforting to know. He said he has some stuff to work on as well, which is also nice to know because I sure as hell didn't want to have to tell him. haha
We see each other about once a week, sometimes more, but usually we spend time of one day with Emma, just dedicated to her. She misses him so much too. She asked tonight when we were going to be a big happy family again. I bawled my eyes out after she went to bed. It's not so bad when it's just affecting me. I can handle that, but after Emma said that tonight she cried for about 30 minutes before going to sleep. She's hurt too. Now it's a totally different ballgame. I can't stand by and let her be hurt by this, so i have decided to give Morgan a little more time but then that's it. I need to move on if we're not going anywhere. I can't drag this out for months. It would kill Emma. And it's really killing me.
I had a pregnancy scare last week and I was terrified I was carrying the baby of a man I wasn't even with. When I told him I got some mixed messages about everything. He said "you know i would love to have a baby with you" and "I'm not Chris" but never really said that if I was we would get back together..
I feel like I'm the only one fighting for this. I'm the one that messages him or makes the plans or calls to see if he wants to do something. And when we talk I feel like I have to walk on eggshells because he gets frustrated if I talk about my feelings too much and gets sick of hearing them. I have backed off considerably lately in fear of pushing him away.
I'm very torn right now. I want to be with him. I love him and although he has some flaws (i'm not perfect either) he and I are really good together. But I'm also in alot of pain. The worst thing god could have cursed me with is my thoughts and emotions. I haven't slept properly in weeks. Well it's been almost 5 weeks since we split and I haven't slept thru the night once. The doctor gave me sleeping pills but I refuse to take them. I'm already on anti-depressants and blood pressure pills. I want to feel like I'm making a mental recovery on my own. It's embarrassing to think I need pills to wake up and go to sleep. I dont want to be dependant on them...
In other news I have been clean since Oct 16. As you all know when I was with Morgan I smoked pot. I really didn't think I was doing alot but looking back on it now, it was pretty much every night. No wonder I could never get out of bed. I was always burnt out. Stopping has also helped my mental state. I smoked pot to mellow out and try to forget how depressed I was when in reality, it pushed me further into the depression.
This weekend is the Christmas parade and Morgan has agreed to come with Emma and I. We went last year and Emma had so much fun. I'm hoping to talk to Morgan later on that night. I asked if we could hang out and he said maybe, which is always his response.. although usually that turns into a no eventually.
I can't live my life like this forever. I know he loves me or he wouldn't be trying to even work things out with me in the first place but I dont know where taking time to work on problems ends and just stringing someone along out of guilt or whatever begins...
It hurts my heart to talk about him. Sometimes I wish I had never fallen for him in the first place. When i was little i always dreamed about a prince charming who would sweep me off my feet and love my forever. I think I watched too many disney movies or something. I want to believe this will work out and I want to believe Morgan is genuine when he says he loves me and wants to work it out too. It's just hard giving my past track record. I'm starting to think I'll be alone forever.