My thoughts at 4am
I never realized how different the type of lifestyle I desire to live is. I'm not better, nor special than you. Something else is just what I'm interested in, and most of that is 75% different than everyone. It's probably how we all feel, but we label it differently. Sometimes those differences cause misunderstanding on many. The most you can do is try things out, and see where you fit. How many people actually focus on that type of change in themselves is small, and those who care do make it very important once they find what they've been looking for. When you're searching, the longer it takes, the more overwhelming it can become.
The lifestyle I demand daily is intense, and full of very complex understanding of what I'm interested, how I feel, and what to say towards me while I'm being me. I don't need to show you all of me if you're not interested. I won't force it on you to deal with it, because I don't enjoy anything being forced on me. I do however, ask for understanding and look for common thought process.
How many times have I said '' are we on the same page?? '' How many times will I ever have to say it to a lover. I find it frustrating, and boring. I can't handle when someone doesn't get me, because I feel like it takes skill to like me. I might be very loving, but if you think that, I don't think you know all of it. With that said... My self esteem is low. How does this happen? From birth, childhood and teens. I was put in the situation of having no structure what so ever. I felt no push, drive or motivation to keep going. I felt barely pushed, and basically figured to it on my own.
I don't know why the neglect happened, but it did. We all have something, and my something was neglect. The void inside me wants to be infilled by the opposite of neglect.
I'm co dependent, which is fine. I'll say a lot of females are by default co dependent on males. Males are too, but they have some weird way of trying to hide i, while doing it. I never got it, but I've dealt with it, and have to live with it. Finding someone who knows how to handle that is the mission.
When it comes down to it, I know that I need a helping hand down the path of structure. Since I haven't learned it, I've doing some out of control things, and during that time I've made a half ass personality. In my eyes, I'm a monster with abilities of causing such depression on others that it effects their life. Who would want to have such power? I don't, and I've done it for a long time out of my own pure unhappiness. The unhappiness comes from them not understanding how to balance that something I need to be happy with myself. So if someone wants to be with me, they have to know what they're doing. We all work in a way, and finding out that way is the most interesting part. Understanding it becomes great. Growing with it becomes profound.
What virgins consider their gift of their first time, I hold same or more value to my submission. Who wouldn't? I don't just wanna be tied up, slapped, and called names during sex. I love sex! Which is just another other way I'm wired. Understanding the things that interest me come from factors of being alive. I don't know everything, but I have a good idea of what did shape me. When that focus stopped, when I wasn't ready, or pushed away, I lost control. I've been totally out of control with money, emotions, friends/people, drugs, my health, my love, my life, my future.
Chaos is fun, but I'm lacking order. Finding the balance will be the challenge. I'm influenced by the ones so close to me because I'm co dependent. So finding the person to give the complete control of your well being is intense. I've been overwhelmed in the thought. I've been on a search for at least 4 years, and of course before that on a search of anything, because I had no interests. Passion makes it more worth it tho.
Derek and I have NONE. I feel no passion for him anymore. As if the only thing I felt was opiates with them, I barely enjoy sex without being intoxicated. It has nothing to do with him being broke either, because I know he'll be making money asap. We just has a different idea on what he wants to put himself around. He'll even have his own views on me when I'm gone, and I accept it. I'm basically waiting for one of us to give in, and he already has once even for almost a whole day. He was able to do it so easily, I feel so empty inside.
I haven't been able to regain that passion. Everything feels empty. I tried, and I fake it, but I'm doing nothing for us. I'm making life harder for me, even if he wants me to be me. He wants me to be me if its ok with you. I can't really do all the things I as a personal find interesting. I don't expect him or many too, I just do and that's good enough for me.
When I find depression, I stop doing and I destroy emotion and thought. Like a dark gloomy cloud taking over the sunny sky, I'm pretty good at making good into bad. I don't take pride in being able to create such unhappiness, but sometimes I feel its the only thing that DOES make me happy in those situations. Its confusing, I know but small things left broken really mess up the future. I'll cling to a feeling, a dream, a wish whatever I want to label it. I find something that makes me think staying is a good idea. I'm getting to the point that I question my life because of this relationship. Not in the depressing I hate life way, in the ''I don't know what to do, this sucks way.''
Things could have been different for us, but they were not. I'm not sure when it happened, and I'm not saying it won't happen next time around. I do know factors influence me, and I also have a problem with dwelling in something. The best I can do is be aware, explain and hope for understanding right? I don't feel happy about it. I'm falling into pieces, because I feel emotions too much. I can understand what he is going feel, deal with and although I'll have a different path, I can't say it doesn't bug me. The time we spent, the things we experienced, what i once felt is in the past. I can't live in the past anymore.
I finally feel like I found an equal. Too soon you might say? It's a feeling deep within. I can't ignore it, or put it on hold. I don't know what tomorrow to bring, and I'm not okay with too late. I demand so much, I'm afraid he won't want to deal with it. I have a great idea of him being able to handle it, and how much interest he has grown in me. I can't be sure how long it will last. I do know one that, its what I've been looking for some time. I do know I'm excited to see where it takes me.