24th July 2005
Dear Journal,
It's been quite a fortnight. My cousin and aunt were over for the first week, which was a lot of fun. My cousin and I talked a lot, just the two of us. I feel like our relationship has reached a better level, and I kinda like that. She's been the closest thing I've ever really had to a bigger sister in my life. We grew up together, entered a BSB obsession (which can amazingly bring people together) and now we're adults and learning more about life and all that crap. It's kinda cool.
The second week Ada came up. It was a very stressful week. I was worried about school for the most part and I also had to be hostess to Ada. Usually that's not a big deal because we're so comfortable with each other, but this time was different. I think it's because she's been so depressed lately and I felt like it was my duty to cheer her up.
Because her and I have grown up in such different environments, we've become very different people. Having her around 24 hours a day for a week is a breeding ground for tension and arguments. We had a lot of talks, a lot of arguments. Despite it being a less than enjoyable week, I think we're closer because of it. She feels like she learnt a lot from it; one of those self-discovery kind of trips away from home, plus she really did unwind for a lot of it. She feels better and I think her mind is letting her evaluate herself on a more realistic level and she feels like she has the power to make herself happy, rather than forcing herself to think that she must be happy because society says that she has everything a girl could possibly need.
During the week that Ada was here, something happened to Clint. I'm not sure what it was, but somehow he loves me in the most perfect wonderful way that I have ever wanted anyone to love me. He's spoken to his mother about me and to his friends, which is a big deal because he normally doesn't do that. He's stopped sounding happy when I call and instead he sounds ecstatic, like he hasn't spoken to me in years. I think one of the biggest changes is how much he lets me get away with. Before, we used to have stupid long arguments about things like my not wanting to take on his last name if we got married, or how many kids we'd have, or even when we'd have kids. And now...now he seems to just be happy that he has me that nothing else matters.
I think it scares him a little, it seemed to just attack him without warning, but more so because I've slowly become more apathetic and cold to him. Not in a mean way, but just that...sometimes I feel bored by him. And when I tell him that I love him, my words seem so empty to me that it's almost as if I'm lying to him.
I think that he blames himself for the way I'm acting. He says to me that he doesn't understand how he could have abandoned the one person who's ever really cared about him during the time that I needed him most - and he sounds so bitter about it, as if he's the one who's been wronged and he can't seem to forgive himself for it.
I've become his weakness. And that worries me because I'm not sure that he's mine...I think that if, for whatever reason, he told me we couldn't talk anymore, I'd just cry, miss him a lot, but more or less move on. If I did that to him...I think he'd feel betrayed by whatever forces make the world go round.
Maybe I'm over-exaggerating. He's very strong...he'd probably be okay without me. He admits that I have the upper hand here, and I thought that I would so enjoy this. Watching him want me so much and me being just blasé about the whole thing...but I hate it. I don't want to hurt him. I don't even know how I feel sometimes.
I think it's the medication. I haven't been taking it. It seems like I don't take it a lot. Sometimes I look at myself and think 'If you really want to be happy, you'd take your meds faithfully'. But sometimes I look at the pills and I just loathe them so much that I end up pushing the idea of taking them further and further to the back of my mind that I'm still looking at them and yet have completely forgetten about taking them.
I've been feeling empty a lot lately. When I'm like this I sometimes wonder which one is the real me. Do the pills level me out, or do they change me to appear more normal? Which one is the real me? I know it seems a little silly, but I question it a lot. Right now I don't feel much for Clint. When I'm on my meds I might feel more strongly about him. So which one's real??? It creates this knot of fear and confusion inside of me when I think about it. Mind-altering drugs, whether they're legal or not, scare me. My whole reality is suddenly split into more than one and I worry about which one is actually real. Do I really want to do something if the pills make me happy about it? Or if I'm angry about something while I'm taking my meds, but okay with it when I'm going cold turkey, which one is my real reaction?
It's not so bad as to wonder if I'm seeing and doing what I think I'm seeing and doing...it's my feelings more than anything else. My feelings and intincts. And I've always thought myself to be very in touch with my inner self...so to have no idea whether what I'm feeling so strongly is actually real scares me.
I'm sure there's more to say, but I have a truckload of work to do, stress from the work to deal with, and the horribly inconvenient human needs for sleep and food, so I might leave it there.
Today's Quote
Comes from Scrubs - a show I've had the pleasure to totally share with Ada and we're now hardcore fans!
Dr. Cox: The fact is that you are what you eat, and you clearly went out and devoured a big fat man.
---
Elliot: I have a huge bunion. Sean's coming back in, like, a few weeks what am I supposed to do?
J.D.: Well, I think the obvious answer is to draw Sean's face on it and tell him you grew it because you missed him.
---
Jordan: It's Jack's first birthday, I want it to be special. I got a petting zoo for the kids, and we need to figure out something great for the adults.
Dr. Cox: How about a russian roulette booth? And here's the kicker, we put bullets in all the chambers, that way *everybody* wins!
Until next time...
It's been quite a fortnight. My cousin and aunt were over for the first week, which was a lot of fun. My cousin and I talked a lot, just the two of us. I feel like our relationship has reached a better level, and I kinda like that. She's been the closest thing I've ever really had to a bigger sister in my life. We grew up together, entered a BSB obsession (which can amazingly bring people together) and now we're adults and learning more about life and all that crap. It's kinda cool.
The second week Ada came up. It was a very stressful week. I was worried about school for the most part and I also had to be hostess to Ada. Usually that's not a big deal because we're so comfortable with each other, but this time was different. I think it's because she's been so depressed lately and I felt like it was my duty to cheer her up.
Because her and I have grown up in such different environments, we've become very different people. Having her around 24 hours a day for a week is a breeding ground for tension and arguments. We had a lot of talks, a lot of arguments. Despite it being a less than enjoyable week, I think we're closer because of it. She feels like she learnt a lot from it; one of those self-discovery kind of trips away from home, plus she really did unwind for a lot of it. She feels better and I think her mind is letting her evaluate herself on a more realistic level and she feels like she has the power to make herself happy, rather than forcing herself to think that she must be happy because society says that she has everything a girl could possibly need.
During the week that Ada was here, something happened to Clint. I'm not sure what it was, but somehow he loves me in the most perfect wonderful way that I have ever wanted anyone to love me. He's spoken to his mother about me and to his friends, which is a big deal because he normally doesn't do that. He's stopped sounding happy when I call and instead he sounds ecstatic, like he hasn't spoken to me in years. I think one of the biggest changes is how much he lets me get away with. Before, we used to have stupid long arguments about things like my not wanting to take on his last name if we got married, or how many kids we'd have, or even when we'd have kids. And now...now he seems to just be happy that he has me that nothing else matters.
I think it scares him a little, it seemed to just attack him without warning, but more so because I've slowly become more apathetic and cold to him. Not in a mean way, but just that...sometimes I feel bored by him. And when I tell him that I love him, my words seem so empty to me that it's almost as if I'm lying to him.
I think that he blames himself for the way I'm acting. He says to me that he doesn't understand how he could have abandoned the one person who's ever really cared about him during the time that I needed him most - and he sounds so bitter about it, as if he's the one who's been wronged and he can't seem to forgive himself for it.
I've become his weakness. And that worries me because I'm not sure that he's mine...I think that if, for whatever reason, he told me we couldn't talk anymore, I'd just cry, miss him a lot, but more or less move on. If I did that to him...I think he'd feel betrayed by whatever forces make the world go round.
Maybe I'm over-exaggerating. He's very strong...he'd probably be okay without me. He admits that I have the upper hand here, and I thought that I would so enjoy this. Watching him want me so much and me being just blasé about the whole thing...but I hate it. I don't want to hurt him. I don't even know how I feel sometimes.
I think it's the medication. I haven't been taking it. It seems like I don't take it a lot. Sometimes I look at myself and think 'If you really want to be happy, you'd take your meds faithfully'. But sometimes I look at the pills and I just loathe them so much that I end up pushing the idea of taking them further and further to the back of my mind that I'm still looking at them and yet have completely forgetten about taking them.
I've been feeling empty a lot lately. When I'm like this I sometimes wonder which one is the real me. Do the pills level me out, or do they change me to appear more normal? Which one is the real me? I know it seems a little silly, but I question it a lot. Right now I don't feel much for Clint. When I'm on my meds I might feel more strongly about him. So which one's real??? It creates this knot of fear and confusion inside of me when I think about it. Mind-altering drugs, whether they're legal or not, scare me. My whole reality is suddenly split into more than one and I worry about which one is actually real. Do I really want to do something if the pills make me happy about it? Or if I'm angry about something while I'm taking my meds, but okay with it when I'm going cold turkey, which one is my real reaction?
It's not so bad as to wonder if I'm seeing and doing what I think I'm seeing and doing...it's my feelings more than anything else. My feelings and intincts. And I've always thought myself to be very in touch with my inner self...so to have no idea whether what I'm feeling so strongly is actually real scares me.
I'm sure there's more to say, but I have a truckload of work to do, stress from the work to deal with, and the horribly inconvenient human needs for sleep and food, so I might leave it there.
Today's Quote
Comes from Scrubs - a show I've had the pleasure to totally share with Ada and we're now hardcore fans!
Dr. Cox: The fact is that you are what you eat, and you clearly went out and devoured a big fat man.
---
Elliot: I have a huge bunion. Sean's coming back in, like, a few weeks what am I supposed to do?
J.D.: Well, I think the obvious answer is to draw Sean's face on it and tell him you grew it because you missed him.
---
Jordan: It's Jack's first birthday, I want it to be special. I got a petting zoo for the kids, and we need to figure out something great for the adults.
Dr. Cox: How about a russian roulette booth? And here's the kicker, we put bullets in all the chambers, that way *everybody* wins!
Until next time...