Moving
So I'm in the process of packing today because I move to Manhattan on the 22nd. I honestly can't believe that me and Tea had accumulated so much stuff here in 2 years; it's exhausting sorting through it all so I can actually fit comfortably in a smaller place. So far I'm giving away 9 bags of clothing and linens, 3 boxes of books, 2 crates of paints, half my yarn, and all sorts of random crap and furniture and I still have way too much. And going through all of her things just rips me apart because I can already see that I've lost so many memories. Ever since she died I've been terrified that I'm just going to stop being able to remember her eventually. I mean of course I'll always remember her in an abstract manner, unless I get amnesia or Alzheimer's one day, but all the memories are starting to lose focus and that hurts even more than losing her physically. Being in this apartment sharpens them a bit but in a really visceral way. I don't remember precise moments I just remember her everywhere all at once and I just ache in this infinite way. I know it's good for me to move; I know I can't get past this otherwise. I just feel like I'm losing my babygirl all over again and no one else really sees that. Most days I miss her so much it feels like my chest is just going to break open.