what the fuck have you done???
I feel like i'm disconnecting but how far should the disconnection go? and from what and who? i feel like it's almost gone to far and i suppose there's something that should be said about that. however i have no motives let alone explanations.
who knew i was so self destructive...
the easy route and what i've always done when shit got to heavy was disconnect and run away. one thing i've learned is no matter where you go your problems always tend to follow...
this situation isn't the end of the world by any means. i WILL rise above and "act right" for whatever it's worth and whatever THAT means...
maybe one of these days i'll learn to "cop it sweet" so very very sweet, maybe one of these days i'll adjust as well as i try to let on. I feel pretty low, a little lost to be honest. yet really i can do anything i want. i was FINE before the storm, i'm just a bit distraught after Hurricane J. right now my only concern is my son and a full recovery.
as far as i see it i had NO business hooking up with someone from the internets (or probably anyone period), let alone someone just as if not more nutty than i am. what i want and what i deserve are 2 completely different things at this point and something has got to give with me...
sometimes i wonder if i'm having an identity crisis. it's like okay i've done, seen, experienced, and been through hell and back several times over and in a way i feel like this makes me somewhat superior to most.. it's like i judge people on their hardships. i guess i just can't let myself deal with people who haven't been 'there' or get 'it'. the FACT of the matter is that this just makes me a bitter, cynical, pretentious, paranoid, skeptical, jaded, miserable, old bitch with more defense mechanisms that Ft. Knox.
this isn't healthy and it certainly does more bad than good. Back to the point though eh? I feel old, experienced, superior, etc however i AM only 23 going on 24 and it's amazing how much i seem to show it when it comes down having to deal with anything adult and real other than my son.
i don't know what the fuck is going on, i don't know where Kyan and I will end up, I don't know if i'll ever find peace or stability within myself but i can sure as well fake it until i do. ZING!
~m
who knew i was so self destructive...
the easy route and what i've always done when shit got to heavy was disconnect and run away. one thing i've learned is no matter where you go your problems always tend to follow...
this situation isn't the end of the world by any means. i WILL rise above and "act right" for whatever it's worth and whatever THAT means...
maybe one of these days i'll learn to "cop it sweet" so very very sweet, maybe one of these days i'll adjust as well as i try to let on. I feel pretty low, a little lost to be honest. yet really i can do anything i want. i was FINE before the storm, i'm just a bit distraught after Hurricane J. right now my only concern is my son and a full recovery.
as far as i see it i had NO business hooking up with someone from the internets (or probably anyone period), let alone someone just as if not more nutty than i am. what i want and what i deserve are 2 completely different things at this point and something has got to give with me...
sometimes i wonder if i'm having an identity crisis. it's like okay i've done, seen, experienced, and been through hell and back several times over and in a way i feel like this makes me somewhat superior to most.. it's like i judge people on their hardships. i guess i just can't let myself deal with people who haven't been 'there' or get 'it'. the FACT of the matter is that this just makes me a bitter, cynical, pretentious, paranoid, skeptical, jaded, miserable, old bitch with more defense mechanisms that Ft. Knox.
this isn't healthy and it certainly does more bad than good. Back to the point though eh? I feel old, experienced, superior, etc however i AM only 23 going on 24 and it's amazing how much i seem to show it when it comes down having to deal with anything adult and real other than my son.
i don't know what the fuck is going on, i don't know where Kyan and I will end up, I don't know if i'll ever find peace or stability within myself but i can sure as well fake it until i do. ZING!
~m