2016
Looking back at this journal is strange-nearly every post is woven together with the feelings of resentment, loneliness, denial and self-hatred that I burdened myself with in an attempt to cope with my internal pain.
It’s been 12 months since I decided to get help. The pain is diminished and these feelings that once threatened to loosen my grip on my friendships, my family, and most importantly, my own existence now feel foreign. These experiences have shaped my journey through life thus far, but they were useless without the ability to empathize with myself and understand who I really am.
As I sat in the room for the last time with my former therapist, we reminisced about where we started from months earlier. His takeaway message, repeated with a sense of urgency, consisted of two words: a phrase so simple to parse, yet one I wouldn’t learn to truly believe with every fiber of my being for another few months.
“Love yourself.”
It was once trivial to hope, justify, and then disappoint myself that a life change would fall into my lap, that I would one day put in the work to get big and fit and then purchase new clothes, that someone would care enough to acknowledge my existence. I learned a lot about myself this year and learned to accept and utilize my own quirks rather than pushing them aside or trying to fit them to the mold of what others think I should be/what I think others would like me to be. I don’t expect this year to be any less rocky than the previous one, but I’m walking up this hill empowered with strength and support I’ve never felt before.
I love myself.