The GovTeam Ghost
Govteam has a ghost.
It floats around aimlessly like the good ghost that it is, wishing with all its cold unfeeling heart, that it were alive and real. It can't help being what it is, but it also can't help wishing that it were something else. No one acknowledges it, no one sees it, and no one really believes it exists. Except me.
Because I am the govteam ghost.
I'm the ghost that sits on the edge, laughs and pretends to be on the inside when I'm really not. I'm the girl who feels a great invisible bond of comradeship with when the speeches are being given and gets suckered into those cliched speeches way too easily, but after everything is said and done, still feels extremely awkward talking to the people are supposed to be "like family". (We've progressed to the "distant relative" stage now... maybe?)
I've made friendly acquaintances. I haven't made real friends. I don't think I'm going to any gov team member's weddings. Or baby showers. Or reunions. I don't think I can ask them for legal help when they all become great lawyers and I sink back into the mud where I come from. It sounds really nice, but the ghost in the corner doesn't get such privileges. That's what it gets for being a ghost.
I'm on the outside looking in. I'm in far enough to want all the friendship-bonding-happy-cheese that everyone else has. But I'm out far enough that no matter how much I reach, I can't get it. I wish I didn't spend this year hiding in the corner so much. I wish weren't so socially repressed around strangers. I'm shy on the outside, and inherently talkative on the inside. It makes for some pretty frustrating and potentially emo moments.
The saddest part is, I can't regret. I wish something better happened, but I can't regret this barrier that I've unwillingly set around myself. Regret means that another option was open. Regret means that if I could redo it, I could make it okay. Regret means I had the ability live it right, if someone gave me another chance. Sad fact is, I'm still the antisocial recluse that I've been ever since preschool; I cried when my parents left me in the morning. Sad fact is, even with the spirit of the govteam ghost haunting me, given an opportunity to relive govteam, I'd still probably end up slipping away into the corner as the govteam ghost. I absolutely abhor it, but that's the way I am.
I can't help but love govteam anyway. I've never known people who try so hard to make everything okay. I've never known people who try so hard to make everything beyond okay. Even when I push them away, they keep trying to be friendly and coming back to me. They're like bobbleheads. I love the class. I love my fellow govteam members. And I love Chiang. I love everyone and everything about govteam, even though I'm still such a stranger to the class that it feels weird saying this. When it comes down to it I'm really only unsatisfied and angry at myself. I could have made govteam so much more, but I didn't.
Being in the band room or at the tree makes me happy. I'm on the inside, I'm not awkward in an uncomfortable way, and I have friends. I want to say that I've made so many friends during high school, because I've met so many wonderful people in these last four years. But I'm thinking maybe I haven't made any friends at all. People have just made friends of me.
Wondering if I was born without a soul is a little too dramatic. Sometimes I still wonder if I feel at all. I swear I have emotions. But then why is it so freakishly hard to express myself to others? I'm beginning to feel like or Pinocchio or the boy in Artificial Intelligence. I wish I was a socially functional human being. I want to be a socially functioning human being. Give me real feelings. Make me real.
edit--// Don't worry too much about these "emo" posts. They're more of a way to get my thoughts organized than to actually complain about how horrible my wonderful life is. Besides, I try to keep this lj candid, which means no self-censoring. So I write about everything: the good, the bad, and the ugly. No worries (hakuna matata).
It floats around aimlessly like the good ghost that it is, wishing with all its cold unfeeling heart, that it were alive and real. It can't help being what it is, but it also can't help wishing that it were something else. No one acknowledges it, no one sees it, and no one really believes it exists. Except me.
Because I am the govteam ghost.
I'm the ghost that sits on the edge, laughs and pretends to be on the inside when I'm really not. I'm the girl who feels a great invisible bond of comradeship with when the speeches are being given and gets suckered into those cliched speeches way too easily, but after everything is said and done, still feels extremely awkward talking to the people are supposed to be "like family". (We've progressed to the "distant relative" stage now... maybe?)
I've made friendly acquaintances. I haven't made real friends. I don't think I'm going to any gov team member's weddings. Or baby showers. Or reunions. I don't think I can ask them for legal help when they all become great lawyers and I sink back into the mud where I come from. It sounds really nice, but the ghost in the corner doesn't get such privileges. That's what it gets for being a ghost.
I'm on the outside looking in. I'm in far enough to want all the friendship-bonding-happy-cheese that everyone else has. But I'm out far enough that no matter how much I reach, I can't get it. I wish I didn't spend this year hiding in the corner so much. I wish weren't so socially repressed around strangers. I'm shy on the outside, and inherently talkative on the inside. It makes for some pretty frustrating and potentially emo moments.
The saddest part is, I can't regret. I wish something better happened, but I can't regret this barrier that I've unwillingly set around myself. Regret means that another option was open. Regret means that if I could redo it, I could make it okay. Regret means I had the ability live it right, if someone gave me another chance. Sad fact is, I'm still the antisocial recluse that I've been ever since preschool; I cried when my parents left me in the morning. Sad fact is, even with the spirit of the govteam ghost haunting me, given an opportunity to relive govteam, I'd still probably end up slipping away into the corner as the govteam ghost. I absolutely abhor it, but that's the way I am.
I can't help but love govteam anyway. I've never known people who try so hard to make everything okay. I've never known people who try so hard to make everything beyond okay. Even when I push them away, they keep trying to be friendly and coming back to me. They're like bobbleheads. I love the class. I love my fellow govteam members. And I love Chiang. I love everyone and everything about govteam, even though I'm still such a stranger to the class that it feels weird saying this. When it comes down to it I'm really only unsatisfied and angry at myself. I could have made govteam so much more, but I didn't.
Being in the band room or at the tree makes me happy. I'm on the inside, I'm not awkward in an uncomfortable way, and I have friends. I want to say that I've made so many friends during high school, because I've met so many wonderful people in these last four years. But I'm thinking maybe I haven't made any friends at all. People have just made friends of me.
Wondering if I was born without a soul is a little too dramatic. Sometimes I still wonder if I feel at all. I swear I have emotions. But then why is it so freakishly hard to express myself to others? I'm beginning to feel like or Pinocchio or the boy in Artificial Intelligence. I wish I was a socially functional human being. I want to be a socially functioning human being. Give me real feelings. Make me real.
edit--// Don't worry too much about these "emo" posts. They're more of a way to get my thoughts organized than to actually complain about how horrible my wonderful life is. Besides, I try to keep this lj candid, which means no self-censoring. So I write about everything: the good, the bad, and the ugly. No worries (hakuna matata).