Fic "Shame" Dean's POV
DEAN
____________________________________________
There should be at least one place
One place in this world I saved
Where I can feel perfectly safe.
Aren’t you supposed to be that place?
I forgot, aren’t you that place Brother?
My scarred flesh, my warm blood
My beating heart, my teardrop
My brother.
¤
I’ve been alone for years. I’ve been alone before you were born. I’ve been alone since Mom died. I’ve been alone when Dad and Grief became lovers. I’ve been alone since I’ve became your father, your mother, your caretaker, your guardian. I’ve been alone since you left. I was alone when you came back. I was alone with you by my side for a long time, Sam.
And then, you came back.
I love you. I don’t know if that kind of love is right or wrong. According to you, it is so wrong. But I do know that this kind of love can’t and won’t allow me to let you go. Ever.
It’s not in me.
In me, Love is holding on for dear life, holding on for you, for your laugh, your joy, your sheer existence. In me, love is holding on for the hope of your love.
It’s been awhile since I felt it.
I shouldn’t hope that you love me in return. I should know better. I know what you feel and it ain’t even close to the ferocity that is my love for you.
I shouldn’t hope that you would love me like that, like you would always want me to be by your side.
I shouldn’t want it, but God, do I want it.
I’m sorry for stripping myself of everything, my strength, my capacities, my heart, my future. For you.
I’m sorry for needing you more than I need myself, more than I need anyone else.
I’m sorry for valuing your life above everyone and everything. Including innocent people and morality.
I’m sorry for believing that maybe, just maybe, after everything we went through together, a small part of you, would want to live for me.
Just for me.
I’m sorry that selling my soul for you was so easy to do.
I’m sorry that my forty years in hell aren’t enough of a sacrifice, aren’t enough for you to stay.
I’m sorry that leaving Ben and Lisa means nothing to you.
I’m sorry that giving you your soul, your beautiful soul, back wasn’t the right thing to do.
I’m sorry for damning Adam to an eternity in hell because I needed you to be safe.
I’m sorry that trying everything to save you from Lucifer and the tortures of your mind was a waste of time.
I’m sorry that I’ve been trapped in purgatory screaming your name, hoping for you, like I did in hell.
I’m sorry I got out.
I’m sorry, so sorry that I tried so hard to be the one to do the trials, only to watch you sacrificed yourself.
I’m sorry for baring my soul to you in that church, for giving it to you raw and fearful. For holding you and never let you go.
I hurt Sam, I ache. When did you start seeing me as your jail instead of your brother? When did you start wanting death more than wanting to stay with me?
I’ve been alone before and in the end, I know I’ll die alone. But for you to think that I saved you only because I didn’t want to be alone?
My heart is breaking and I can’t breathe. My body is cold and crying hurts.
Everything hurts.
I just can’t live in a world without you, I told you that. Should I scream it? Tell me what should I do?
I cannot live with you dead. I really thought that a part of you wanted to live. And you still made that choice in the end.
But I can see now how you resent it. Resent me.
Should I bleed? Should I kill myself?
What is gonna take? A new death? A new murder?
Make it stop, take those words back, I don’t deserve them. I only tried to save you, and I did, like I always did since I was four. Don’t hate me for being me, don’t hate me period.
Please… please.
Stop the pain you’ve caused, take everything you need, my back, my shoulders, my heart. Take whatever you want but please…
Don’t make me believe you hate me. Don’t make me believe you would rather be alone that with me.
Where did I screw up? I tried so hard.
I’ll beg if you like. I will fight and I will bleed
I will lay down my life, if that’s what you need.
But please, let me protect yours no matter what. No matter who.
I’m sorry.
_____________________________________________________
Your hatred feels familiar. Is it my home? My perfect place?
In this damned world I saved, I walk alone. Tell me brother,
How does it feel to hurt the one who hurt you?
To wish for salvation and watching me keeping it from you?
If Shame had a face it would be mine.
But if it had a home it would be your eyes.
____________________________________________
There should be at least one place
One place in this world I saved
Where I can feel perfectly safe.
Aren’t you supposed to be that place?
I forgot, aren’t you that place Brother?
My scarred flesh, my warm blood
My beating heart, my teardrop
My brother.
¤
I’ve been alone for years. I’ve been alone before you were born. I’ve been alone since Mom died. I’ve been alone when Dad and Grief became lovers. I’ve been alone since I’ve became your father, your mother, your caretaker, your guardian. I’ve been alone since you left. I was alone when you came back. I was alone with you by my side for a long time, Sam.
And then, you came back.
I love you. I don’t know if that kind of love is right or wrong. According to you, it is so wrong. But I do know that this kind of love can’t and won’t allow me to let you go. Ever.
It’s not in me.
In me, Love is holding on for dear life, holding on for you, for your laugh, your joy, your sheer existence. In me, love is holding on for the hope of your love.
It’s been awhile since I felt it.
I shouldn’t hope that you love me in return. I should know better. I know what you feel and it ain’t even close to the ferocity that is my love for you.
I shouldn’t hope that you would love me like that, like you would always want me to be by your side.
I shouldn’t want it, but God, do I want it.
I’m sorry for stripping myself of everything, my strength, my capacities, my heart, my future. For you.
I’m sorry for needing you more than I need myself, more than I need anyone else.
I’m sorry for valuing your life above everyone and everything. Including innocent people and morality.
I’m sorry for believing that maybe, just maybe, after everything we went through together, a small part of you, would want to live for me.
Just for me.
I’m sorry that selling my soul for you was so easy to do.
I’m sorry that my forty years in hell aren’t enough of a sacrifice, aren’t enough for you to stay.
I’m sorry that leaving Ben and Lisa means nothing to you.
I’m sorry that giving you your soul, your beautiful soul, back wasn’t the right thing to do.
I’m sorry for damning Adam to an eternity in hell because I needed you to be safe.
I’m sorry that trying everything to save you from Lucifer and the tortures of your mind was a waste of time.
I’m sorry that I’ve been trapped in purgatory screaming your name, hoping for you, like I did in hell.
I’m sorry I got out.
I’m sorry, so sorry that I tried so hard to be the one to do the trials, only to watch you sacrificed yourself.
I’m sorry for baring my soul to you in that church, for giving it to you raw and fearful. For holding you and never let you go.
I hurt Sam, I ache. When did you start seeing me as your jail instead of your brother? When did you start wanting death more than wanting to stay with me?
I’ve been alone before and in the end, I know I’ll die alone. But for you to think that I saved you only because I didn’t want to be alone?
My heart is breaking and I can’t breathe. My body is cold and crying hurts.
Everything hurts.
I just can’t live in a world without you, I told you that. Should I scream it? Tell me what should I do?
I cannot live with you dead. I really thought that a part of you wanted to live. And you still made that choice in the end.
But I can see now how you resent it. Resent me.
Should I bleed? Should I kill myself?
What is gonna take? A new death? A new murder?
Make it stop, take those words back, I don’t deserve them. I only tried to save you, and I did, like I always did since I was four. Don’t hate me for being me, don’t hate me period.
Please… please.
Stop the pain you’ve caused, take everything you need, my back, my shoulders, my heart. Take whatever you want but please…
Don’t make me believe you hate me. Don’t make me believe you would rather be alone that with me.
Where did I screw up? I tried so hard.
I’ll beg if you like. I will fight and I will bleed
I will lay down my life, if that’s what you need.
But please, let me protect yours no matter what. No matter who.
I’m sorry.
_____________________________________________________
Your hatred feels familiar. Is it my home? My perfect place?
In this damned world I saved, I walk alone. Tell me brother,
How does it feel to hurt the one who hurt you?
To wish for salvation and watching me keeping it from you?
If Shame had a face it would be mine.
But if it had a home it would be your eyes.