Annihilating Sunrise & Blunt Conversations
Follow up to Sunlight & Hangovers.
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Title: Annihilating Sunrise & Blunt Conversations
Rating: M
Warnings: DRUG USE LIKE WHOA, alcohol use, language, Breaking Dawn parody
Summary: The Pack plus Bella have some high times whilst discussing the crappy new installment to the Sunlight Saga. Crack!fic
Author: likexaxdove
WARNING:
In this story we go into pot smoking detail, and features a very stoned Pack plus Bella. If this is going to upset you in anyway, then please don’t read.
Anyway.
This is the follow up to Sunlight & Hangovers, and I would suggest you read that before you read this, although it’s not imperative. Guys, I wrote this for shits and giggles. This is basically crack!fic. So prepare yourselves.
Also, I ended up not covering the entirety of Breaking Dawn, simply because my brain didn’t want to explode. But I think I got in all the best bits ;)
Enjoy and please review!
“It’s so sweet that you’re surprising your girlfriend for Valentine’s Day!” Embry called out in a high pitched voice.
“Shut up Call,” Jacob snapped, slightly paranoid that said girlfriend would somehow hear Embry and figure this out. There was no point, however. What was in front of them was complete and utter madness.
It was craziness at Bella’s Books. Tonight was the midnight release of Annihilating Sunrise, the fourth and final installment in the Sunlight Saga. A line of teenyboppers curved along the building and into the store, which was absolutely packed.
“I didn’t even know this many women lived in Forks,” Seth said in wonder.
But Embry was shaking his head. “Bro, I am legit scared right now. Mia told me what happens in this book, you know the one that’s coming out, Annihilating My Asshole or whatever-“
“Dude! There are a bunch of twelve year olds like…ten feet away from us. Let’s go inside, I see Bella-“
“Okay okay,” Embry said, interrupting Jacob. “Before we go, I would just like to point out the most priceless moment of the evening-that the only reason why we brought Seth along is because he wanted to pick up girls, but there literally isn’t anyone here whose even legal.”
“Shut the fuck up Embry, I was just kidding when I said that.”
“Whatever. Besides, you wouldn’t want to date anyone who openly admits to liking this bullshit anyway.”
That earned a couple of glares from the teenage girls that were nearby.
“Alright,” Jacob said, eyes staring through the window at the girl working the register. “This is gonna be a warzone. Are we ready for this?”
“Fuck yeah.”
The actual inside of the store was chaos. A massive display of Annihilating Sunrise was in the middle of the store, along with the standees of the three stars of the Sunlight Saga film series: Roberto Patterson, Tyler Lantern, and Kiera Steward.
Jacob made his way through the throngs of women until he finally reached the register. Bella didn’t even notice him at first, but when she did, she squealed. She quickly called over Kim, who had started working for her a couple of months ago, to run the register for her while she spoke to Jacob.
“What are you doing here?” she said as she flung her arms around her boyfriend. A few of the tweens watching made ‘awwing’ sounds.
“I wanted to surprise you.”
Bella grinned up at him. “Well you achieved your goal. Would this have anything to do with tomorrow being Valentine’s Day?”
“Maaaaaaaaybe.”
Bella’s smile broadened. “I missed you Jake. I’m so glad you’re here!”
“I missed you too Bells.” He leaned down gave her a quick kiss, which caused a near uproar from the surrounding (nosy) girls.
“What are you doing after this?” Jacob asked, dutifully ignoring them.
“I’ll finish up around 1:30, and I was just planning to head home and go to bed-“
“Nope. You’re coming over to Paul’s. He’s throwing a party for us.”
“Are you serious?”
“Well…I think it’s more of a ‘Pack Happy’ party, but you need to come.”
She frowned, but nodded. “I guess I can swing by…”
“Good. Is there anything I can do to help out?”
“Yes. Go and guard those standees. Those stupid SunMoms keep trying to steal them.”
**
Bella was exhausted. Tonight had been horrifying, to say the least. She was well aware of the rabid fanbase that the Sunlight books had, but what she had experienced tonight had been scary.
She tried to remind herself that those had been valuable customers, even if they were all idiots. Besides, Jacob was next to her in the car and that always made everything better.
“So, the party is at Paul’s huh?” she asked tiredly.
“Yeah.”
“Sure we can’t just skip out on it and head back to my place?”
“That sounds so much more appealing than going to Paul’s, but I sorta promised the guys-“
“No no, I get it Jake. I’m warning you though; I’ll probably fall asleep on the couch.”
At this, Jacob snorted.
“What’d I say?”
He grinned at her from the passenger’s seat. “I should explain to you what exactly a ‘Pack Happy’ party is.”
“I know there will be drinking Jake, and I’ll probably have a beer or two.”
“Um. Yeah. You know what; you’ll see when we get there.”
“Wait…there’s going to be more then drinking?”
“Let me just…we’re going to Paul’s house. Ring a bell?”
There was a pause. “Does Paul not like beer? I don’t-“
“No honey. Do you remember the Clearwater’s Christmas party, where Paul showed up with red eyes? And he ate an entire fruit cake? And he watched Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer with admirable dedication?”
Another pause. “Oh my god. You’re taking me to a stoner party.”
“Pretty much.”
**
When Bella and Jacob walked through Paul’s front door, they were met with cheers. Paul, Jared, Quil, Embry and Seth were sitting on the couch. Apparently Sam had decided to skip out on them.
“Hey guys!” Quil called out, beer in hand.
“Heard you just had an interesting night at work Miss Bella!”
“Can I get you guys a beer?”
“We were just about to pop in Ninja Assassin, you guys down?”
“We hadn’t decided on a movie yet Paul.”
“Fuck off, this my house-“
Bella couldn’t help but smile at Jacob’s pack brothers. Their easy going and loveable nature always put her at ease.
Paul made some kind of warrior cry and karate chopped Jared. “NINJA ASSASSIN.”
Bella and Jacob moved towards the end of the long, sectional couch and made themselves comfortable.
“So,” Jacob began, clearing his throat. “I told Bella exactly what a ‘Pack Happy’ party meant.”
All the boys froze before breaking out into smiles.
“So you’re down then?” Embry asked her.
She nodded.
“Okay lady and gentlemen, let’s do this.” Paul opened the long drawer to the coffee table and pulled out his pipe. “I already packed the bowl.” He handed the pipe to Bella. “I think, because of all the bullshit that she put up with this evening, that Bella should have the first hit.”
Bella stiffened. “Uhh…I’ve never actually smoked out of a…thingy. So I don’t-“
“You’ve smoked before?” Jacob asked incredulously.
Bella could feel the blood rushing to her cheeks. “I mean, just once. My roommate at college talked me into it because I was about to have a mental breakdown before finals. It was…nice. But it was a joint.”
“Okay Bells, I’m gonna explain this to you.” Jacob took the pipe out of her hands and tapped his finger against the bowl. “When I light this, you put your mouth over that part-“ he gestured to the pipe- “and you’re going to suck. You should be doing it enough so that the bowl lights up after I’ve already lit it-“
“Wait…what?”
Jacob paused and taped his chin as he searched for a way to explain. “Okay, you know in The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, where Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin are at the Prancing Pony and we meet Aragorn for the first time?”
Bella nodded eagerly.
“You remember the part where we see a close up of Aragorn and he’s lighting his pipe, and then we see him inhale so that the tobacco that’s in the pipe lights up?”
“Uh huh.”
“Okay, that’s what you want to make happen. Okay? The next thing, is when you take your hit you’re going to keep your finger over this hole on the side. When you feel like you can only handle a little bit more, you take your finger off of the hole and take one last big inhale. You got it?”
Bella blinked and stared down at the pipe. “Uhh. I guess so.” She took the pipe into her hands, put her finger over the hole and her mouth on the pipe. When Jacob lit it, she took as big of a hit as she could and was pleased to see the circle of weed light up the way it was supposed to. She let go of the hole, took one last drag and pulled away.
Five seconds later she was coughing up a lung. A massive puff of smoke came out of her mouth as tears formed in her eyes. Jacob ran into the kitchen and grabbed her a soda so that she’d have something to sip on. She drank it greedily. She hadn’t decided if the smoky taste in her mouth was pleasant or not.
“So,” she said when she regained her breath. “Did I hit it properly?”
She was answered by grins.
In Which Everyone Attempts To Decide On A Movie
“Guys, I’m sticking with Ninja Assassin.”
“Fuck no Paul, I don’t want to watch something that hardcore.”
“What are you talking about? Ninja Assassin would literally blow all of us away with its awesomeness.”
“Dude, it is like a B- movie at best.”
“Well excuse me for wanting all of us to have a nice evening.”
“Why don’t we let Bella decide?”
There was a giggle. “I don’t really care.”
“Ninja Assassin-“
“Why don’t we watch like…Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs? I enjoyed that whilst stoned.”
“Um…I’m not ashamed to say that I don’t own that.”
“How about Lord of the Rings?”
“I am ashamed to say I don’t own that, however.”
“Dude…Step Brothers.”
“FUCK YES. I absolutely second Jared’s suggestion.”
“One time I watched one of those animated Tinkerbell movies when I was stoned and I thought it was pretty enjoyable.”
Sudden, uproarious laughter.
“What in the actual fuck, Quil?!”
“I was house sitting at Claire’s and that was one of the only movies they had that I hadn’t seen!”
“You smoked around a kid?!”
Bella’s concern was understandable.
“NO. I was house sitting. There wasn’t anyone there.”
“Oh. Okay. How about Alice in Wonderland?”
“Naw, that’s too stoner cliché.”
“Okay well….we need to think of something to do guys, otherwise I’m going to the kitchen.”
“Aww dude, what were you thinking about eating?”
“I was gonna put some Chex mix in a ball and then pour Tabasco sauce on it.”
“Jake…bro…make me some.”
“Sure man.”
“Hey Paul, do you have fruit cups?”
“I’m not sure, Bella. I think I have applesauce though.”
“Okay.”
“Bells, do you want something from the kitchen?”
“I just…I don’t know. I just…like…really want something sweet.”
“Jake! Look at her eyes, they’re red as fuck.”
“Aww man she’s so baked!”
Bella rolled her eyes and giggled.
“Okay so…how about we make some snacks and then we continue trying to figure out what movie we’re gonna watch.”
Bella pulled a copy Annihilating Sunrise out of her purse. “Why don’t we just read this?”
“Sure.”
“Mia told me about some crazy ass shit that goes down in that book-“
“MOMMA MIAAA.”
“Shut the fuck up Seth. If she heard you call her that she’d neuter you. Also, slow down buddy. That’s like you’re fifth beer and you’ve had a couple of hits too.”
“Dude, I’m good to go.”
In Which Everyone Eats And Reads Quite Possibly The. Worst. Book. Ever
Applesauce, Sour Patch Kids, some leftover Halloween candy, some Chinese from last night’s takeout, Chex mix topped with Tabasco sauce, and copious amounts of soda were all consumed within the next fifteen minutes.
Seth sat down with a plate of mozzarella sticks and without hesitation Bella leaned forward and snatched one off the plate. After one bite she sat it back down. “Those taste undercooked,” she told Seth. He looked at her, the cheese sticks and then back at her before shrugging and continuing to stuff his face.
Jacob grabbed the book and flipped open the first page. “Are we ready for this?!”
“Fuck yeah!”
“I’m still upset that Jacques and Bea didn’t at least fuck in the last book. I mean…they were in love and shit-“
“I swear to god Quil do you even have a dick-“
“Fuck you Paul. That was some emotional shit okay?”
“I think your balls shriveled up when you imprinted-“
A blow to the shoulder from Jared promptly pulled Paul’s attention away from Quil.
“ANYWAY!” Jacob shouted. He started flipping through the first few chapters, skimming. “Bea and Edgar get married-“
“No one gives a shit.”
“Blah blah blah, they dance. Fucking boring, blah blah-FUCK YEAH JACQUES IS CRASHING IT.”
“I love that guy.”
“Dude, he turns into a fucking tiger!”
“Okay okay, so Bea and Jacques are dancing and…this shit is depressing. Bea is a fucking dumbass.” He paused. “Okay…looks like Bea and Edgar have decided to have sex on their wedding night.”
“But doesn’t he like…want to eat her brains?”
“Dude, sick.”
“But he’s a deteriorating zombie! What if his dick snapped off inside her?!”
“SICK. FUCKING SICK.”
“But then she’d kind of have a dildo-“
The sound of Jacob flipping through a few more pages silenced everyone. Bella wondered how he was even able to read. She felt like she was swaying. She was also sure that the applesauce she was eating was the most delicious thing that she’d ever tasted.
Jacob cleared his throat. “Edgar takes her to Isle Esther, his mother’s personal island.”
“This guys sounds like someone I’d like to beat up-“
“Let’s see, Bea has a little emotional freak out. Okay okay, she and Edgar talk about how beautiful each other are, they touch faces-WHAT THE FUCK. THIS SHIT IS A FADE TO BLACK.”
“And after all that mind blowing sexual tension,” Embry remarked drily.
“OKAY, I WOULD LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT JACQUES WOULDN’T HAVE FADED TO BLACK. HE WOULD HAVE GOTTEN SHIT DONE.”
“I agree Jake!”
“DAMN. FUCK THIS BOOK ALREADY.” Jacob flipped and flipped before he froze. “Oh my fucking god.”
“What?”
“This is where Mia-“
“SHE’S KNOCKED UP.”
And then everyone fell over laughing.
“Gross.”
“Seriously.”
“How is that even possible?! HOW DID HIS DICK NOT DISOLVE INSIDE OF HER. HE’S A FUCKING ZOMBIE.”
“Okay there’s like…a big huge section told by Jacques. I’ll skip to the birth though.” Jacob began turning through chunks of the book. “Let’s see. Jacques spends weeks being a badass motherfucker, the usual. He turns into a tiger a lot. Bea is stupid.” Another pause. “Edgar just begged Jacques to have sex with Bea. ‘To make kittens, or cubs’.”
“Man. This fucking book.”
“People enjoy this shit?”
“Fuck yeah, here’s the birth. Haha, I fucking love Jacques, he just told them to throw the baby out the window. Blah blah, apparently the birth is killing Bea, good riddance. Um, the baby is born. It’s a girl. Um…NO.NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-“
“What’s happening?!”
“JACQUES FELL IN LOVE WITH THE BABY. HE IS IN LOVE WITH THE BABY.”
“That’s pedophilia though-“
“How is that possible?”
“It says here he has a Tiger Bond with it. But it’s a newborn baby.” Jacob sighed. “And apparently the baby’s name is ‘Renither’.”
“….What.”
“It’s supposed to be a combo of the mother’s names, Renita and Esther.”
“But shouldn’t it be some half zombie thing?”
Jacob flipped through a few more chapters before rolling his eyes and throwing the book onto the coffee table.
“Oh god, what-“
“It’s an angel.”
“How the fuck-“
“What in the actual-“
“So it’s an angelic child or some shit?”
“No,” Jacob answered, face serious. “Renither is an actual angel.”
There was silence.
“Okay yeah. I’m pulling out the blunt for this.”
In Which Bella Gets Sleepy And Seth Can’t Handle Himself
After a few puffs of the blunt, Bella realized that these “special cigars” hit her a bit harder then smoking out of a pipe did. Her eyes were starting to grow tired.
For shits and giggles, Paul, Jared, and Embry ordered Sunlight the movie off of OnDemand. So far it was truly shit, mostly because Kiera Steward was one of the worst excuses for an actress that the Pack plus Bella had seen in a long time.
Although Bella was starting to fall asleep.
Seth moaned. “I don’t…feel…” He got up, ran into the kitchen and started vomiting in the kitchen sink. Embry turned towards everyone. “Honestly, Seth is expressing my feelings towards this film.”
Bella’s head hit Jacob’s shoulder. “You tired Bells?” he whispered into her ear. She nodded. With ease Jacob scooped her up. “Okay guys, Bella and I are gonna crash. Can we stay in your sister’s old room?”
Paul shrugged. “Yeah man. That’s fine.”
**
“There’s a lot of old stuff in here,” Bella remarked.
“Yeah, Paul’s sister likes to collect antiques.”
Bella smiled, her eyes fluttering shut. “That’s nice.”
Jacob placed her into the bed before climbing in to lay next to her. He wrapped his arms around her and situated them so that they were comfortable.
Seth barged in. He stared with bleary eyes around the room at all the antiques before his eyes fell onto Jacob. “Did I go back in time?”
Jacob blinked before grinning wickedly. “Yeah bro. You did.”
“Ohhh no.”
“But if you turn around and walk back through the doorway, you’ll go back to the future.”
Seth stared at him for a long time before nodding and turning around. “Thanks Michael J. Fox.”
**
Bella awoke slowly the next morning. Her mouth felt a little dry, and maybe she felt a little weary, but otherwise she was fine.
Jacob was still passed out beside her.
She checked her phone. It was Saturday, but today was also her day off.
“Hmm. Whatever.” She fell back onto the bed, curled up onto Jacob’s side and promptly fell back asleep.
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Title: Annihilating Sunrise & Blunt Conversations
Rating: M
Warnings: DRUG USE LIKE WHOA, alcohol use, language, Breaking Dawn parody
Summary: The Pack plus Bella have some high times whilst discussing the crappy new installment to the Sunlight Saga. Crack!fic
Author: likexaxdove
WARNING:
In this story we go into pot smoking detail, and features a very stoned Pack plus Bella. If this is going to upset you in anyway, then please don’t read.
Anyway.
This is the follow up to Sunlight & Hangovers, and I would suggest you read that before you read this, although it’s not imperative. Guys, I wrote this for shits and giggles. This is basically crack!fic. So prepare yourselves.
Also, I ended up not covering the entirety of Breaking Dawn, simply because my brain didn’t want to explode. But I think I got in all the best bits ;)
Enjoy and please review!
“It’s so sweet that you’re surprising your girlfriend for Valentine’s Day!” Embry called out in a high pitched voice.
“Shut up Call,” Jacob snapped, slightly paranoid that said girlfriend would somehow hear Embry and figure this out. There was no point, however. What was in front of them was complete and utter madness.
It was craziness at Bella’s Books. Tonight was the midnight release of Annihilating Sunrise, the fourth and final installment in the Sunlight Saga. A line of teenyboppers curved along the building and into the store, which was absolutely packed.
“I didn’t even know this many women lived in Forks,” Seth said in wonder.
But Embry was shaking his head. “Bro, I am legit scared right now. Mia told me what happens in this book, you know the one that’s coming out, Annihilating My Asshole or whatever-“
“Dude! There are a bunch of twelve year olds like…ten feet away from us. Let’s go inside, I see Bella-“
“Okay okay,” Embry said, interrupting Jacob. “Before we go, I would just like to point out the most priceless moment of the evening-that the only reason why we brought Seth along is because he wanted to pick up girls, but there literally isn’t anyone here whose even legal.”
“Shut the fuck up Embry, I was just kidding when I said that.”
“Whatever. Besides, you wouldn’t want to date anyone who openly admits to liking this bullshit anyway.”
That earned a couple of glares from the teenage girls that were nearby.
“Alright,” Jacob said, eyes staring through the window at the girl working the register. “This is gonna be a warzone. Are we ready for this?”
“Fuck yeah.”
The actual inside of the store was chaos. A massive display of Annihilating Sunrise was in the middle of the store, along with the standees of the three stars of the Sunlight Saga film series: Roberto Patterson, Tyler Lantern, and Kiera Steward.
Jacob made his way through the throngs of women until he finally reached the register. Bella didn’t even notice him at first, but when she did, she squealed. She quickly called over Kim, who had started working for her a couple of months ago, to run the register for her while she spoke to Jacob.
“What are you doing here?” she said as she flung her arms around her boyfriend. A few of the tweens watching made ‘awwing’ sounds.
“I wanted to surprise you.”
Bella grinned up at him. “Well you achieved your goal. Would this have anything to do with tomorrow being Valentine’s Day?”
“Maaaaaaaaybe.”
Bella’s smile broadened. “I missed you Jake. I’m so glad you’re here!”
“I missed you too Bells.” He leaned down gave her a quick kiss, which caused a near uproar from the surrounding (nosy) girls.
“What are you doing after this?” Jacob asked, dutifully ignoring them.
“I’ll finish up around 1:30, and I was just planning to head home and go to bed-“
“Nope. You’re coming over to Paul’s. He’s throwing a party for us.”
“Are you serious?”
“Well…I think it’s more of a ‘Pack Happy’ party, but you need to come.”
She frowned, but nodded. “I guess I can swing by…”
“Good. Is there anything I can do to help out?”
“Yes. Go and guard those standees. Those stupid SunMoms keep trying to steal them.”
**
Bella was exhausted. Tonight had been horrifying, to say the least. She was well aware of the rabid fanbase that the Sunlight books had, but what she had experienced tonight had been scary.
She tried to remind herself that those had been valuable customers, even if they were all idiots. Besides, Jacob was next to her in the car and that always made everything better.
“So, the party is at Paul’s huh?” she asked tiredly.
“Yeah.”
“Sure we can’t just skip out on it and head back to my place?”
“That sounds so much more appealing than going to Paul’s, but I sorta promised the guys-“
“No no, I get it Jake. I’m warning you though; I’ll probably fall asleep on the couch.”
At this, Jacob snorted.
“What’d I say?”
He grinned at her from the passenger’s seat. “I should explain to you what exactly a ‘Pack Happy’ party is.”
“I know there will be drinking Jake, and I’ll probably have a beer or two.”
“Um. Yeah. You know what; you’ll see when we get there.”
“Wait…there’s going to be more then drinking?”
“Let me just…we’re going to Paul’s house. Ring a bell?”
There was a pause. “Does Paul not like beer? I don’t-“
“No honey. Do you remember the Clearwater’s Christmas party, where Paul showed up with red eyes? And he ate an entire fruit cake? And he watched Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer with admirable dedication?”
Another pause. “Oh my god. You’re taking me to a stoner party.”
“Pretty much.”
**
When Bella and Jacob walked through Paul’s front door, they were met with cheers. Paul, Jared, Quil, Embry and Seth were sitting on the couch. Apparently Sam had decided to skip out on them.
“Hey guys!” Quil called out, beer in hand.
“Heard you just had an interesting night at work Miss Bella!”
“Can I get you guys a beer?”
“We were just about to pop in Ninja Assassin, you guys down?”
“We hadn’t decided on a movie yet Paul.”
“Fuck off, this my house-“
Bella couldn’t help but smile at Jacob’s pack brothers. Their easy going and loveable nature always put her at ease.
Paul made some kind of warrior cry and karate chopped Jared. “NINJA ASSASSIN.”
Bella and Jacob moved towards the end of the long, sectional couch and made themselves comfortable.
“So,” Jacob began, clearing his throat. “I told Bella exactly what a ‘Pack Happy’ party meant.”
All the boys froze before breaking out into smiles.
“So you’re down then?” Embry asked her.
She nodded.
“Okay lady and gentlemen, let’s do this.” Paul opened the long drawer to the coffee table and pulled out his pipe. “I already packed the bowl.” He handed the pipe to Bella. “I think, because of all the bullshit that she put up with this evening, that Bella should have the first hit.”
Bella stiffened. “Uhh…I’ve never actually smoked out of a…thingy. So I don’t-“
“You’ve smoked before?” Jacob asked incredulously.
Bella could feel the blood rushing to her cheeks. “I mean, just once. My roommate at college talked me into it because I was about to have a mental breakdown before finals. It was…nice. But it was a joint.”
“Okay Bells, I’m gonna explain this to you.” Jacob took the pipe out of her hands and tapped his finger against the bowl. “When I light this, you put your mouth over that part-“ he gestured to the pipe- “and you’re going to suck. You should be doing it enough so that the bowl lights up after I’ve already lit it-“
“Wait…what?”
Jacob paused and taped his chin as he searched for a way to explain. “Okay, you know in The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, where Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin are at the Prancing Pony and we meet Aragorn for the first time?”
Bella nodded eagerly.
“You remember the part where we see a close up of Aragorn and he’s lighting his pipe, and then we see him inhale so that the tobacco that’s in the pipe lights up?”
“Uh huh.”
“Okay, that’s what you want to make happen. Okay? The next thing, is when you take your hit you’re going to keep your finger over this hole on the side. When you feel like you can only handle a little bit more, you take your finger off of the hole and take one last big inhale. You got it?”
Bella blinked and stared down at the pipe. “Uhh. I guess so.” She took the pipe into her hands, put her finger over the hole and her mouth on the pipe. When Jacob lit it, she took as big of a hit as she could and was pleased to see the circle of weed light up the way it was supposed to. She let go of the hole, took one last drag and pulled away.
Five seconds later she was coughing up a lung. A massive puff of smoke came out of her mouth as tears formed in her eyes. Jacob ran into the kitchen and grabbed her a soda so that she’d have something to sip on. She drank it greedily. She hadn’t decided if the smoky taste in her mouth was pleasant or not.
“So,” she said when she regained her breath. “Did I hit it properly?”
She was answered by grins.
In Which Everyone Attempts To Decide On A Movie
“Guys, I’m sticking with Ninja Assassin.”
“Fuck no Paul, I don’t want to watch something that hardcore.”
“What are you talking about? Ninja Assassin would literally blow all of us away with its awesomeness.”
“Dude, it is like a B- movie at best.”
“Well excuse me for wanting all of us to have a nice evening.”
“Why don’t we let Bella decide?”
There was a giggle. “I don’t really care.”
“Ninja Assassin-“
“Why don’t we watch like…Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs? I enjoyed that whilst stoned.”
“Um…I’m not ashamed to say that I don’t own that.”
“How about Lord of the Rings?”
“I am ashamed to say I don’t own that, however.”
“Dude…Step Brothers.”
“FUCK YES. I absolutely second Jared’s suggestion.”
“One time I watched one of those animated Tinkerbell movies when I was stoned and I thought it was pretty enjoyable.”
Sudden, uproarious laughter.
“What in the actual fuck, Quil?!”
“I was house sitting at Claire’s and that was one of the only movies they had that I hadn’t seen!”
“You smoked around a kid?!”
Bella’s concern was understandable.
“NO. I was house sitting. There wasn’t anyone there.”
“Oh. Okay. How about Alice in Wonderland?”
“Naw, that’s too stoner cliché.”
“Okay well….we need to think of something to do guys, otherwise I’m going to the kitchen.”
“Aww dude, what were you thinking about eating?”
“I was gonna put some Chex mix in a ball and then pour Tabasco sauce on it.”
“Jake…bro…make me some.”
“Sure man.”
“Hey Paul, do you have fruit cups?”
“I’m not sure, Bella. I think I have applesauce though.”
“Okay.”
“Bells, do you want something from the kitchen?”
“I just…I don’t know. I just…like…really want something sweet.”
“Jake! Look at her eyes, they’re red as fuck.”
“Aww man she’s so baked!”
Bella rolled her eyes and giggled.
“Okay so…how about we make some snacks and then we continue trying to figure out what movie we’re gonna watch.”
Bella pulled a copy Annihilating Sunrise out of her purse. “Why don’t we just read this?”
“Sure.”
“Mia told me about some crazy ass shit that goes down in that book-“
“MOMMA MIAAA.”
“Shut the fuck up Seth. If she heard you call her that she’d neuter you. Also, slow down buddy. That’s like you’re fifth beer and you’ve had a couple of hits too.”
“Dude, I’m good to go.”
In Which Everyone Eats And Reads Quite Possibly The. Worst. Book. Ever
Applesauce, Sour Patch Kids, some leftover Halloween candy, some Chinese from last night’s takeout, Chex mix topped with Tabasco sauce, and copious amounts of soda were all consumed within the next fifteen minutes.
Seth sat down with a plate of mozzarella sticks and without hesitation Bella leaned forward and snatched one off the plate. After one bite she sat it back down. “Those taste undercooked,” she told Seth. He looked at her, the cheese sticks and then back at her before shrugging and continuing to stuff his face.
Jacob grabbed the book and flipped open the first page. “Are we ready for this?!”
“Fuck yeah!”
“I’m still upset that Jacques and Bea didn’t at least fuck in the last book. I mean…they were in love and shit-“
“I swear to god Quil do you even have a dick-“
“Fuck you Paul. That was some emotional shit okay?”
“I think your balls shriveled up when you imprinted-“
A blow to the shoulder from Jared promptly pulled Paul’s attention away from Quil.
“ANYWAY!” Jacob shouted. He started flipping through the first few chapters, skimming. “Bea and Edgar get married-“
“No one gives a shit.”
“Blah blah blah, they dance. Fucking boring, blah blah-FUCK YEAH JACQUES IS CRASHING IT.”
“I love that guy.”
“Dude, he turns into a fucking tiger!”
“Okay okay, so Bea and Jacques are dancing and…this shit is depressing. Bea is a fucking dumbass.” He paused. “Okay…looks like Bea and Edgar have decided to have sex on their wedding night.”
“But doesn’t he like…want to eat her brains?”
“Dude, sick.”
“But he’s a deteriorating zombie! What if his dick snapped off inside her?!”
“SICK. FUCKING SICK.”
“But then she’d kind of have a dildo-“
The sound of Jacob flipping through a few more pages silenced everyone. Bella wondered how he was even able to read. She felt like she was swaying. She was also sure that the applesauce she was eating was the most delicious thing that she’d ever tasted.
Jacob cleared his throat. “Edgar takes her to Isle Esther, his mother’s personal island.”
“This guys sounds like someone I’d like to beat up-“
“Let’s see, Bea has a little emotional freak out. Okay okay, she and Edgar talk about how beautiful each other are, they touch faces-WHAT THE FUCK. THIS SHIT IS A FADE TO BLACK.”
“And after all that mind blowing sexual tension,” Embry remarked drily.
“OKAY, I WOULD LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT JACQUES WOULDN’T HAVE FADED TO BLACK. HE WOULD HAVE GOTTEN SHIT DONE.”
“I agree Jake!”
“DAMN. FUCK THIS BOOK ALREADY.” Jacob flipped and flipped before he froze. “Oh my fucking god.”
“What?”
“This is where Mia-“
“SHE’S KNOCKED UP.”
And then everyone fell over laughing.
“Gross.”
“Seriously.”
“How is that even possible?! HOW DID HIS DICK NOT DISOLVE INSIDE OF HER. HE’S A FUCKING ZOMBIE.”
“Okay there’s like…a big huge section told by Jacques. I’ll skip to the birth though.” Jacob began turning through chunks of the book. “Let’s see. Jacques spends weeks being a badass motherfucker, the usual. He turns into a tiger a lot. Bea is stupid.” Another pause. “Edgar just begged Jacques to have sex with Bea. ‘To make kittens, or cubs’.”
“Man. This fucking book.”
“People enjoy this shit?”
“Fuck yeah, here’s the birth. Haha, I fucking love Jacques, he just told them to throw the baby out the window. Blah blah, apparently the birth is killing Bea, good riddance. Um, the baby is born. It’s a girl. Um…NO.NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-“
“What’s happening?!”
“JACQUES FELL IN LOVE WITH THE BABY. HE IS IN LOVE WITH THE BABY.”
“That’s pedophilia though-“
“How is that possible?”
“It says here he has a Tiger Bond with it. But it’s a newborn baby.” Jacob sighed. “And apparently the baby’s name is ‘Renither’.”
“….What.”
“It’s supposed to be a combo of the mother’s names, Renita and Esther.”
“But shouldn’t it be some half zombie thing?”
Jacob flipped through a few more chapters before rolling his eyes and throwing the book onto the coffee table.
“Oh god, what-“
“It’s an angel.”
“How the fuck-“
“What in the actual-“
“So it’s an angelic child or some shit?”
“No,” Jacob answered, face serious. “Renither is an actual angel.”
There was silence.
“Okay yeah. I’m pulling out the blunt for this.”
In Which Bella Gets Sleepy And Seth Can’t Handle Himself
After a few puffs of the blunt, Bella realized that these “special cigars” hit her a bit harder then smoking out of a pipe did. Her eyes were starting to grow tired.
For shits and giggles, Paul, Jared, and Embry ordered Sunlight the movie off of OnDemand. So far it was truly shit, mostly because Kiera Steward was one of the worst excuses for an actress that the Pack plus Bella had seen in a long time.
Although Bella was starting to fall asleep.
Seth moaned. “I don’t…feel…” He got up, ran into the kitchen and started vomiting in the kitchen sink. Embry turned towards everyone. “Honestly, Seth is expressing my feelings towards this film.”
Bella’s head hit Jacob’s shoulder. “You tired Bells?” he whispered into her ear. She nodded. With ease Jacob scooped her up. “Okay guys, Bella and I are gonna crash. Can we stay in your sister’s old room?”
Paul shrugged. “Yeah man. That’s fine.”
**
“There’s a lot of old stuff in here,” Bella remarked.
“Yeah, Paul’s sister likes to collect antiques.”
Bella smiled, her eyes fluttering shut. “That’s nice.”
Jacob placed her into the bed before climbing in to lay next to her. He wrapped his arms around her and situated them so that they were comfortable.
Seth barged in. He stared with bleary eyes around the room at all the antiques before his eyes fell onto Jacob. “Did I go back in time?”
Jacob blinked before grinning wickedly. “Yeah bro. You did.”
“Ohhh no.”
“But if you turn around and walk back through the doorway, you’ll go back to the future.”
Seth stared at him for a long time before nodding and turning around. “Thanks Michael J. Fox.”
**
Bella awoke slowly the next morning. Her mouth felt a little dry, and maybe she felt a little weary, but otherwise she was fine.
Jacob was still passed out beside her.
She checked her phone. It was Saturday, but today was also her day off.
“Hmm. Whatever.” She fell back onto the bed, curled up onto Jacob’s side and promptly fell back asleep.