'Carousel'. Ry/Col Fic. Part Four A+B
Here's the next chapter, finally! :) X-posted to WillaLove.
Title: Carousel
Rating: 17+
Paring: Ry/Col. (Hints of Greg/Jeff and slightly mentions of Greg/Ryan but neither main focus.)
A/N: Fourth Chapter here, sorry it took longer to update! :). It's split into two parts, but both are posted here. It's only split because we flash back and forward in the same chapter! So try and keep up! :)
Once again, thanks to Lucy who is wonderful. Thanks to everyone who has been giving me feedback so far, I really appreciate it, more than I could say! :)
Los Angeles - 2003
I was on a high, pure adrenaline as we finished the taping.
I stopped to speak to Drew on the way back to my trailer, who was also giddy and excitable, knowing that the filming had gone well. He grinned at me, and patted me on the back, before practically skipping away to change from his stage clothes.
When I reached my trailer, I frowned, noticing the door wasn't locked. I always locked it before I went on set and I was sure I had done so today. I looked around outside to see if anything else was amiss but all seemed normal.
Pushing the door open slightly, I looked hesitantly inside. I began wondering what I would do if someone was in there and started to think that maybe I should have gone and found someone else before I went in.
Ignoring that common sense though, I stepped inside and looked around, jumping just slightly when I saw him.
There was an intruder, yet I only smiled at him.
He stood looking at me, leant against the sideboard casually and seeming completely at home.
"Did you break into my trailer?" I asked, amused, and he didn't say anything, simply held up a small silver key. My hand instinctively went to my pocket where I usually kept it, but it wasn't there. I must have dropped it on set.
Ryan must have picked it up and of course he couldn't have just given it to me like a normal person.
"So what's up?" I asked, because he was staring at me with an odd expression on his face, his fingers twitching by his sides.
I watched him, waiting for an answer. He was quiet for a long time, just looking at me and I wondered what was bothering him. I moved around the trailer, tidying some things but keeping my eyes on him.
"Want to go out for a drink?" He said finally. I got the strange feeling that that wasn't what he had wanted to say, but he wasn't offering anything else, so I ignored it and smiled at him.
I was still hyped from the show, and I was definitely happy to go out and celebrate, rather than go home alone, with Deb and Luke back in Canada.
"Sounds good." I replied and he nodded, patting me on the shoulder, making some insignificant comment. My skin felt warm beneath his palm and I found myself wishing he wouldn't pull away. He did. And I pretended I didn't care.
-
"Col?"
"Yeah, Ry?" I laughed a little, because we sounded so like our stage alter egos.
We'd been talking about the usual things, alternating between hyped conversation and moments of silence where we just sat and took in the atmosphere of the bar.
"What do you think of me?" He asked me, and I gave him a long look. It was an odd thing to say and I definitely hadn't been expecting it. He didn't sound insecure, though he did sound slightly drunk and he was looking at me curiously, like he was expecting a proper answer.
"Oh I can't stand you. Only put up with you because I have to." I told him, grinning so he knew I was joking. I didn't think too deeply about the question. He was my best friend and he knew that. What more could he want to know?
He rolled his eyes at me, but I knew he was probably expecting my sarcasm.
He shrugged and didn't ask me again, but I could see that he was a little disappointed that I hadn't answered properly. .
"C'mon, what’s up Ry? You know I love you."
He gave me a long look, analysing me. Then he smiled again, properly this time, and he nodded. "I know. I'm just... I think I've already drunk too much."
I looked at the empty glasses on the table and wondered how I hadn't noticed that they'd been multiplying. It was only when I saw them did I realise how drunk I did feel.
I patted him on the shoulder, mirroring his pose from earlier and feeling the heat of his skin beneath my finger, then stood up.
"Want to head home then? I'll walk with you. Check you don't get into any trouble." I smiled at him, grabbing my jacket. I was hoping the walk would get rid of the energy I still felt coursing through me, on a high from the earlier performance.
He nodded, and we left the bar, wandering through the streets in comfortable silence. The traffic was still a consistent hum and I kicked the leaves beneath my boots, letting the crunching sounds crackle through the air. I found myself stealing glances over to Ryan as he walked beside me, his shoulder knocking mine every so often. He'd been acting strange all night and I was a little concerned. Half the time he'd act like his usual self, but the rest of the time he was trailing off and disappearing somewhere I couldn't go, giving me odd looks when I met his eyes.
"What, Colin?" He asked me suddenly, his voice low and inquisitive, and I guess I wasn't as sly with my glances as I could have been. "I have something on my face?" He knew he didn't, I could tell, but he had noticed my concerned stares.
"Are you sure you’re all right? You're acting a bit off?" I said finally, pausing in my step. He stopped with me but didn't turn to face me.
He shrugged, pausing before answering but then planting a smile on his face. "I'm fine, just tired I guess. Shouldn't have drunk much."
I knew that wasn't it, I could tell when he was lying. I just raised an eyebrow at him. He turned to look and me, staring for a second, and then we both continued walking. This time, he was glancing at me just as much. I waited, hoping that eventually he'd just tell me what was wrong, like he usually would. .
When we got to his hotel, he didn't turn to say goodbye, so I followed him up. He was in the process of moving and his hotel room had boxes along with his suitcase, piled haphazardly in the tight space.
I paused at the doorway, all ready to leave if he wanted me to, but he gestured for me to come in, tilting his head.
The door clicked behind me as I stepped in, yet instead of sitting down, I leant against the wall. I saw him eyeing up the mini-bar, watching as he took out a couple of bottles of something and offered me one, pouring his into a glass and downing it. I took it thankfully and did the same, watching him whilst I did.
"Thought you were going to stop drinking tonight?" I asked, amused. He shrugged but once again didn't say anything. I figured he wanted to talk, there had been something bothering him, but he wasn't speaking yet. I was patient though.
"What's up, Ry?" I tried once more.
"Just feeling a bit..." He trailed off, shrugging and not really coming up with an answer. "I just..."
A long second went by in which we stared at each other, and then I suddenly found myself being pushed up against the hotel room wall, his lips on mine, kissing me hard.
I hit the wall and pain shot briefly through my back but it disappeared when I felt him. He lips attacked mine, kissing me roughly and pushing against me, trying to get as close as he could.
I was so startled by the gesture that my mind whirled and couldn't catch up. My body was faster, and responded without thought, kissing him back and tangling our tongues together as my fingers gripped the back of his head.
One of his hands was at my waist, his fingers digging in as he rubbed himself against me, and his other hand rested at the back of my neck holding our lips together.
When I heard him moan into my mouth, the vibrations shooting through my whole body and down to my groin, my mind suddenly caught up, thoughts crashing back to me and I pulled away from him, panting hard, my hands going to his chest to push him back.
"What the fuck was that?"
I breathed out between pants, trying to pull more air into my lungs and shake off the feel of him against me. My lips were stinging with the force of the kiss and my whole body ached to feel him again. I was hard beneath my jeans and they were rubbing uncomfortably against me. A harsh contrast to the feel of him.
He was panting just as much as I was, but he wasn't moving away, in fact he was moving closer to me.
"Come on, Col. You can't tell me you don't want this. We've done it before."
Which we had, long ago. But they had been drunken mistakes that we hadn't mentioned again.
But no, I couldn't tell him I didn't want it because I definitely did.
That wasn't the problem; the problem was that I wasn't supposed to want him. I was happily married and had been for years. I loved Deb, and after I'd told her what had happened between Ryan and me the last time, she'd been wonderful enough to forgive me, and we'd both written it off as a drunken, lonely night, that didn't mean anything.
Which it had been.
And I could almost believe that if it wasn't for the body now rubbing against me again, one hand stroking me through fabric, the other fiddling with the buckle of my belt. His lips were on my neck, pressing wet kisses against my skin.
It might have been the alcohol talking, but I realised I couldn't resist, and I pulled him in for another kiss. He noticed my change in attitude and gave me a dirty grin, pulling me roughly to him again, kissing me once more as his hands finally slipped under my clothing. One hand rested on my hip and the other reached down and surrounded my erection, his hand cool against my burning skin.
He kissed me again as he moved his hand, alternating between fast and slow, and I suddenly couldn't think at all. I explored his mouth with my tongue, my hands running down his body, feeling weak as pleasure shot through my body from the feel of him.
I tried to feel him too, but the angle was awkward and we were both still fully clothed, my jeans resting low on my hips, completely undone, with his hands pushing them lower with each movement, the fabric rubbing on my legs.
My hands went to his chest again, this time to push him gently away from the wall, aiming for his bed. He took the hint and for one agonising moment, stopped what he was doing to pull me along.
Before I knew it though, we were on the bed, lying next to each other, our jeans lost somewhere on the floor and his hands were on me again, causing my eyes to roll back and my breathing speed up.
I finally took him in my hands and copied his movements, our hands almost moving in sync. Until he tugged sharply and rubbed in a certain spot and I had to stop because my whole body went slack as I shook and shuddered next to him.
I was still panting when I returned my hands to him, desperate to feel him do the same, working fast to bring him to the edge. When he got there, I was startled to hear him moan my name, it spilling quietly from his lips as he came hard.
We both lay panting for a long moment, catching our breath and not looking at each other.
I was about to go to the bathroom, needing to clean up and realising I could go first, when he spoke, his voice very low, almost a whisper.
"You alright Col?"
He asked and for a second I was. Until reality flooded back, like it often does, and I realised I definitely wasn't. My mind was still blurry and I realised that I was quite drunk and not thinking straight but if there was anything that was sobering, it was the thought that I'd once again cheated on my wife. With my best friend.
"Oh god." I said, suddenly, not even talking to him, just speaking aloud. "Fuck."
"Hey, Col, breathe." He said, and I hadn't even realised I wasn't.
I looked at him, my eyes wide and begging for an explanation.
"It's alright. It doesn't mean anything and it doesn't matter. We were... are still both drunk. It's just alcohol."
He was trying to comfort me, but I wasn't sure it was working. He didn't sound convinced by his words, so I didn't know how I was supposed to be.
"It didn't happen." He said after a long pause.
"What?" I said, not following.
"It didn't happen. We were drunk and lonely, we weren’t thinking right, and so it didn't happen. No one need ever know."
He met my eyes and I wondered if I could live with that. I would know it happened. But he was right; it didn't have to mean anything. I definitely hadn't been thinking right, or I wouldn't have done it.
I thought some more but I wasn't getting anywhere and so I decided I had to just go with it. It was the best option. Deb wouldn't forgive me again and I couldn't bare the thought of losing her, especially over this. It might have been because I was still quite drunk, but in that moment, it seemed like the best option.
"Okay. It didn't happen."
We nodded at each other, in some kind of warped pact, and then I realised that if this never happened, then I shouldn't still be laying here, my hands still sticky on now wet bed sheets, my body still so close to his.
I got up quickly, cleaning up in his bathroom and then grabbing my jacket, ready to leave. I paused at the door and turned back to him.
"But we're okay right?" I asked, cursing myself for sounding so insecure. For a second I actually thought he might say no, because he gave me another of those odd looks, but then he smiled and nodded.
"Of course, Col. See you on set tomorrow."
I nodded in reply, smiling back. "Try not to kiss me yeah?" I said quickly, surprising myself even at the ease it came out and I heard him laugh as I shut the door behind me.
I knew that things wouldn't seem so simple in the light of day, when my mind was clear and I was horribly hung-over. But we had a deal. This never happened.
For now, I could live with that.
-
Present Time - 2007
"Well well, look who decided to finally grace us with his presence." I heard Greg drawl from across the room. His voice was easily recognisable, even through the chatter of the other people in the room.
I forced myself not to turn around to see who he was talking to.
The bartender was staring at me, and I realised that upon hearing's Greg's voice, I'd paused and not finished my order. I quickly rattled it off, keeping my eyes on him instead of looking around like I wanted to.
However, I couldn't stop myself from listening in to them behind me, sat on the other side of the hotel cafe.
"Morning sleepyhead." I heard Brad say.
I knew who they were talking to, of course, Ryan must have finally woken from the deep sleep I'd left him in, in my hotel room.
I had woken many hours before him, drifting into consciousness to find him pressed against me, body close to mine. I had instantly reacted to the feel of him so close, warm in my arms, his hands resting low on my back as he breathed softly by my ear. I'd wanted nothing more than to wake him, forget all the tension and the complications and do what he had wanted the night before.
I couldn't though, and I wouldn't. I was still happily married and in love with my wife, whatever my thoughts about Ryan were.
Instead, I quickly tore myself away from him, thankful he hadn't woken and made my way to the bathroom to have a very long, very cold shower.
He didn't wake whilst I was getting ready, and I'd even fetched him some clean clothes from Greg, leaving them by his bed, along with a note, when I joined the others for breakfast.
It was now gone lunch and he had obviously finally woken up. I heard him groan loudly; "Why are you all so awake?" to the others. He sounded tired and his voice was croaky and I wasn't the slightest bit surprised. He probably had a killer hangover.
I called the bartender back and added some coffee to my order, knowing he would need it.
"Some of us didn't drink our body weight in alcohol three times over." Brad said, and I heard the grin in his words. I briefly wondered if that was an exaggeration or not.
The bartender told me the cost of my drinks, and I gave him my room number without paying him much attention. I was too focused on the conversation behind me.
"Tell me I didn't do anything really stupid." Ryan murmured and I swallowed hard, my fingers instinctively going to my neck. The skin was tender and sore and I knew it was red and glaringly obvious.
"Well that depends...." I heard Brad say, mock thinking, and I guessed he probably had his finger to his lips in a typical 'thoughtful' pose. "Maybe the singing?" He asked the others.
"Oh I wouldn't call singing hoedowns with Jeff to the whole bar, stupid. Could've been but I don't think anyone had a camera. Unfortunately."
I glanced around in time to see Greg's cheerful yet sarcastic grin and I couldn't help but wish I had maybe stuck around for the singing.
The bartender had piled all my drinks on a tray and was now watching me questionably. I smiled and him and took the tray and he disappeared off to serve someone else. I paused before heading back to the table though, and watched them.
They were all sat around the table we had laid claim to hours before, playing cards. Greg was balancing his in one hand, his cigarette dangerously close to them, and his drink in his other hand. Jeff sat next to him, leant back casually, his cards scattered on the table in front of him. He seemed unaware he was leaning just slightly towards Greg, although I could see it clearly from over here.
Brad was opposite Jeff, reshuffling his cards repeatedly into different orders that I guessed only he understood. My empty chair was opposite Greg's, right next to where Ryan was now sat, elbows on the table and his head in his hands, eyes closed and holding his forehead. His hair was falling in messy curls and he was wearing the clothes I'd left him.
"Downing all that scotch could've been stupid." Jeff suddenly added in. "It did cost a lot." He seemed pleased with his contribution to the 'stupid things' debate, but his excitement only earned him a glare and a groan from Ryan.
The more they said, the more I realised how drunk Ryan had actually been, not that I hadn't noticed. Yet I still felt a pang of disappointment shoot through me that I was happy to ignore.
"Oh! You licked my neck!" Brad said, as if suddenly remembering. "Though that was more disturbing that stupid. You owe me therapy." His smile gave away that he was only kidding, not that any of us could have thought otherwise. He'd done much more disturbing things with Ryan on stage and not cared.
Ryan muttered something that might have been an apology, but could've easily been an insult instead. I didn't catch it from where I was.
"I don't *think* there was anything else, was there?" Greg asked, grinning happily, barely able to keep his laughter down.
My thoughts turned to what happened after Ryan had licked Brad's neck and I knew that was where the others were heading. They'd already teased me mercilessly and now it was Ryan's turn. I wondered if it was better to go back before or after they told him, though I realised it probably wouldn't matter either way. I couldn't stop the inevitable.
I had already been too long getting the drinks, and I noticed Brad turn around, his eyes searching me out across the room. I took that as my cue to return and took a deep breath before making my way back to the table.
Without a word, I placed a glass of water and the hot cup of coffee in front of Ryan, not looking at him. He mumbled thanks but I ignored him. I gave the others their drinks and then sat back down, picking up my cards and trying for nonchalant.
It wasn't long before I felt Ryan's eyes on me, and then heard him whisper, "Fuck."
"Oh that’s right." Greg said, snapping his fingers like he only just remembered. "You also used Colin as a chew toy." He laughed, almost snorting and Jeff and Brad couldn't hold back their giggles either.
I didn't laugh. I didn't even look up. I couldn't look at Ryan because I wouldn't know how to react and I definitely didn't want to look at the others as they laughed.
I took a sip of my drink, planning to remain quiet, until I felt Ryan tug at my collar gently, revealing the large red mark I had on my neck. I shuddered as his fingers skirted over my skin and I hoped that he didn't notice. I pulled away from him just slightly, but it caused him to drop his hand as if it had been burnt on my skin.
I risked a glance at him and found he was staring at my neck, an unreadable expression firmly in place. I couldn't take the tension. The others' laughter had died down and they were simply watching us curiously.
"You owe me four hundred dollars." I said quickly, trying for humour and hoping my voice was normal.
It seemed to take a moment for the words to penetrate Ryan's mind, but when they did his eyes snapped to mine. "What?"
I forced myself to smile at him, fiddling with my collar to make it cover the mark, trying to rub away the feel of his fingers. "For the flight I had to cancel. I was supposed to be visiting my wife this weekend." I told him. It was true, and there was no way I was going to see her with this on my neck.
She would not be amused with any story I told her. Even if Ryan was the cause. Hell, especially as Ryan was the cause.
Ryan had the courtesy to look sheepish. "Sorry." He muttered, still shooting glances at my neck and I wished that I could tell what he was thinking.
The others were staring at us, noticing the awkward tension. I knew they wanted us to make some big joke out of it, because any other time, before... before things got as they were, that would be exactly what we would have done. Not now though. I couldn't take it so I rapidly changed the subject. "So whose turn is it?"
They seemed to take the hint, continuing with the game. But long after we carried on playing, chatting about meaningless things, I could still feel Ryan staring at me.
-
Title: Carousel
Rating: 17+
Paring: Ry/Col. (Hints of Greg/Jeff and slightly mentions of Greg/Ryan but neither main focus.)
A/N: Fourth Chapter here, sorry it took longer to update! :). It's split into two parts, but both are posted here. It's only split because we flash back and forward in the same chapter! So try and keep up! :)
Once again, thanks to Lucy who is wonderful. Thanks to everyone who has been giving me feedback so far, I really appreciate it, more than I could say! :)
Los Angeles - 2003
I was on a high, pure adrenaline as we finished the taping.
I stopped to speak to Drew on the way back to my trailer, who was also giddy and excitable, knowing that the filming had gone well. He grinned at me, and patted me on the back, before practically skipping away to change from his stage clothes.
When I reached my trailer, I frowned, noticing the door wasn't locked. I always locked it before I went on set and I was sure I had done so today. I looked around outside to see if anything else was amiss but all seemed normal.
Pushing the door open slightly, I looked hesitantly inside. I began wondering what I would do if someone was in there and started to think that maybe I should have gone and found someone else before I went in.
Ignoring that common sense though, I stepped inside and looked around, jumping just slightly when I saw him.
There was an intruder, yet I only smiled at him.
He stood looking at me, leant against the sideboard casually and seeming completely at home.
"Did you break into my trailer?" I asked, amused, and he didn't say anything, simply held up a small silver key. My hand instinctively went to my pocket where I usually kept it, but it wasn't there. I must have dropped it on set.
Ryan must have picked it up and of course he couldn't have just given it to me like a normal person.
"So what's up?" I asked, because he was staring at me with an odd expression on his face, his fingers twitching by his sides.
I watched him, waiting for an answer. He was quiet for a long time, just looking at me and I wondered what was bothering him. I moved around the trailer, tidying some things but keeping my eyes on him.
"Want to go out for a drink?" He said finally. I got the strange feeling that that wasn't what he had wanted to say, but he wasn't offering anything else, so I ignored it and smiled at him.
I was still hyped from the show, and I was definitely happy to go out and celebrate, rather than go home alone, with Deb and Luke back in Canada.
"Sounds good." I replied and he nodded, patting me on the shoulder, making some insignificant comment. My skin felt warm beneath his palm and I found myself wishing he wouldn't pull away. He did. And I pretended I didn't care.
-
"Col?"
"Yeah, Ry?" I laughed a little, because we sounded so like our stage alter egos.
We'd been talking about the usual things, alternating between hyped conversation and moments of silence where we just sat and took in the atmosphere of the bar.
"What do you think of me?" He asked me, and I gave him a long look. It was an odd thing to say and I definitely hadn't been expecting it. He didn't sound insecure, though he did sound slightly drunk and he was looking at me curiously, like he was expecting a proper answer.
"Oh I can't stand you. Only put up with you because I have to." I told him, grinning so he knew I was joking. I didn't think too deeply about the question. He was my best friend and he knew that. What more could he want to know?
He rolled his eyes at me, but I knew he was probably expecting my sarcasm.
He shrugged and didn't ask me again, but I could see that he was a little disappointed that I hadn't answered properly. .
"C'mon, what’s up Ry? You know I love you."
He gave me a long look, analysing me. Then he smiled again, properly this time, and he nodded. "I know. I'm just... I think I've already drunk too much."
I looked at the empty glasses on the table and wondered how I hadn't noticed that they'd been multiplying. It was only when I saw them did I realise how drunk I did feel.
I patted him on the shoulder, mirroring his pose from earlier and feeling the heat of his skin beneath my finger, then stood up.
"Want to head home then? I'll walk with you. Check you don't get into any trouble." I smiled at him, grabbing my jacket. I was hoping the walk would get rid of the energy I still felt coursing through me, on a high from the earlier performance.
He nodded, and we left the bar, wandering through the streets in comfortable silence. The traffic was still a consistent hum and I kicked the leaves beneath my boots, letting the crunching sounds crackle through the air. I found myself stealing glances over to Ryan as he walked beside me, his shoulder knocking mine every so often. He'd been acting strange all night and I was a little concerned. Half the time he'd act like his usual self, but the rest of the time he was trailing off and disappearing somewhere I couldn't go, giving me odd looks when I met his eyes.
"What, Colin?" He asked me suddenly, his voice low and inquisitive, and I guess I wasn't as sly with my glances as I could have been. "I have something on my face?" He knew he didn't, I could tell, but he had noticed my concerned stares.
"Are you sure you’re all right? You're acting a bit off?" I said finally, pausing in my step. He stopped with me but didn't turn to face me.
He shrugged, pausing before answering but then planting a smile on his face. "I'm fine, just tired I guess. Shouldn't have drunk much."
I knew that wasn't it, I could tell when he was lying. I just raised an eyebrow at him. He turned to look and me, staring for a second, and then we both continued walking. This time, he was glancing at me just as much. I waited, hoping that eventually he'd just tell me what was wrong, like he usually would. .
When we got to his hotel, he didn't turn to say goodbye, so I followed him up. He was in the process of moving and his hotel room had boxes along with his suitcase, piled haphazardly in the tight space.
I paused at the doorway, all ready to leave if he wanted me to, but he gestured for me to come in, tilting his head.
The door clicked behind me as I stepped in, yet instead of sitting down, I leant against the wall. I saw him eyeing up the mini-bar, watching as he took out a couple of bottles of something and offered me one, pouring his into a glass and downing it. I took it thankfully and did the same, watching him whilst I did.
"Thought you were going to stop drinking tonight?" I asked, amused. He shrugged but once again didn't say anything. I figured he wanted to talk, there had been something bothering him, but he wasn't speaking yet. I was patient though.
"What's up, Ry?" I tried once more.
"Just feeling a bit..." He trailed off, shrugging and not really coming up with an answer. "I just..."
A long second went by in which we stared at each other, and then I suddenly found myself being pushed up against the hotel room wall, his lips on mine, kissing me hard.
I hit the wall and pain shot briefly through my back but it disappeared when I felt him. He lips attacked mine, kissing me roughly and pushing against me, trying to get as close as he could.
I was so startled by the gesture that my mind whirled and couldn't catch up. My body was faster, and responded without thought, kissing him back and tangling our tongues together as my fingers gripped the back of his head.
One of his hands was at my waist, his fingers digging in as he rubbed himself against me, and his other hand rested at the back of my neck holding our lips together.
When I heard him moan into my mouth, the vibrations shooting through my whole body and down to my groin, my mind suddenly caught up, thoughts crashing back to me and I pulled away from him, panting hard, my hands going to his chest to push him back.
"What the fuck was that?"
I breathed out between pants, trying to pull more air into my lungs and shake off the feel of him against me. My lips were stinging with the force of the kiss and my whole body ached to feel him again. I was hard beneath my jeans and they were rubbing uncomfortably against me. A harsh contrast to the feel of him.
He was panting just as much as I was, but he wasn't moving away, in fact he was moving closer to me.
"Come on, Col. You can't tell me you don't want this. We've done it before."
Which we had, long ago. But they had been drunken mistakes that we hadn't mentioned again.
But no, I couldn't tell him I didn't want it because I definitely did.
That wasn't the problem; the problem was that I wasn't supposed to want him. I was happily married and had been for years. I loved Deb, and after I'd told her what had happened between Ryan and me the last time, she'd been wonderful enough to forgive me, and we'd both written it off as a drunken, lonely night, that didn't mean anything.
Which it had been.
And I could almost believe that if it wasn't for the body now rubbing against me again, one hand stroking me through fabric, the other fiddling with the buckle of my belt. His lips were on my neck, pressing wet kisses against my skin.
It might have been the alcohol talking, but I realised I couldn't resist, and I pulled him in for another kiss. He noticed my change in attitude and gave me a dirty grin, pulling me roughly to him again, kissing me once more as his hands finally slipped under my clothing. One hand rested on my hip and the other reached down and surrounded my erection, his hand cool against my burning skin.
He kissed me again as he moved his hand, alternating between fast and slow, and I suddenly couldn't think at all. I explored his mouth with my tongue, my hands running down his body, feeling weak as pleasure shot through my body from the feel of him.
I tried to feel him too, but the angle was awkward and we were both still fully clothed, my jeans resting low on my hips, completely undone, with his hands pushing them lower with each movement, the fabric rubbing on my legs.
My hands went to his chest again, this time to push him gently away from the wall, aiming for his bed. He took the hint and for one agonising moment, stopped what he was doing to pull me along.
Before I knew it though, we were on the bed, lying next to each other, our jeans lost somewhere on the floor and his hands were on me again, causing my eyes to roll back and my breathing speed up.
I finally took him in my hands and copied his movements, our hands almost moving in sync. Until he tugged sharply and rubbed in a certain spot and I had to stop because my whole body went slack as I shook and shuddered next to him.
I was still panting when I returned my hands to him, desperate to feel him do the same, working fast to bring him to the edge. When he got there, I was startled to hear him moan my name, it spilling quietly from his lips as he came hard.
We both lay panting for a long moment, catching our breath and not looking at each other.
I was about to go to the bathroom, needing to clean up and realising I could go first, when he spoke, his voice very low, almost a whisper.
"You alright Col?"
He asked and for a second I was. Until reality flooded back, like it often does, and I realised I definitely wasn't. My mind was still blurry and I realised that I was quite drunk and not thinking straight but if there was anything that was sobering, it was the thought that I'd once again cheated on my wife. With my best friend.
"Oh god." I said, suddenly, not even talking to him, just speaking aloud. "Fuck."
"Hey, Col, breathe." He said, and I hadn't even realised I wasn't.
I looked at him, my eyes wide and begging for an explanation.
"It's alright. It doesn't mean anything and it doesn't matter. We were... are still both drunk. It's just alcohol."
He was trying to comfort me, but I wasn't sure it was working. He didn't sound convinced by his words, so I didn't know how I was supposed to be.
"It didn't happen." He said after a long pause.
"What?" I said, not following.
"It didn't happen. We were drunk and lonely, we weren’t thinking right, and so it didn't happen. No one need ever know."
He met my eyes and I wondered if I could live with that. I would know it happened. But he was right; it didn't have to mean anything. I definitely hadn't been thinking right, or I wouldn't have done it.
I thought some more but I wasn't getting anywhere and so I decided I had to just go with it. It was the best option. Deb wouldn't forgive me again and I couldn't bare the thought of losing her, especially over this. It might have been because I was still quite drunk, but in that moment, it seemed like the best option.
"Okay. It didn't happen."
We nodded at each other, in some kind of warped pact, and then I realised that if this never happened, then I shouldn't still be laying here, my hands still sticky on now wet bed sheets, my body still so close to his.
I got up quickly, cleaning up in his bathroom and then grabbing my jacket, ready to leave. I paused at the door and turned back to him.
"But we're okay right?" I asked, cursing myself for sounding so insecure. For a second I actually thought he might say no, because he gave me another of those odd looks, but then he smiled and nodded.
"Of course, Col. See you on set tomorrow."
I nodded in reply, smiling back. "Try not to kiss me yeah?" I said quickly, surprising myself even at the ease it came out and I heard him laugh as I shut the door behind me.
I knew that things wouldn't seem so simple in the light of day, when my mind was clear and I was horribly hung-over. But we had a deal. This never happened.
For now, I could live with that.
-
Present Time - 2007
"Well well, look who decided to finally grace us with his presence." I heard Greg drawl from across the room. His voice was easily recognisable, even through the chatter of the other people in the room.
I forced myself not to turn around to see who he was talking to.
The bartender was staring at me, and I realised that upon hearing's Greg's voice, I'd paused and not finished my order. I quickly rattled it off, keeping my eyes on him instead of looking around like I wanted to.
However, I couldn't stop myself from listening in to them behind me, sat on the other side of the hotel cafe.
"Morning sleepyhead." I heard Brad say.
I knew who they were talking to, of course, Ryan must have finally woken from the deep sleep I'd left him in, in my hotel room.
I had woken many hours before him, drifting into consciousness to find him pressed against me, body close to mine. I had instantly reacted to the feel of him so close, warm in my arms, his hands resting low on my back as he breathed softly by my ear. I'd wanted nothing more than to wake him, forget all the tension and the complications and do what he had wanted the night before.
I couldn't though, and I wouldn't. I was still happily married and in love with my wife, whatever my thoughts about Ryan were.
Instead, I quickly tore myself away from him, thankful he hadn't woken and made my way to the bathroom to have a very long, very cold shower.
He didn't wake whilst I was getting ready, and I'd even fetched him some clean clothes from Greg, leaving them by his bed, along with a note, when I joined the others for breakfast.
It was now gone lunch and he had obviously finally woken up. I heard him groan loudly; "Why are you all so awake?" to the others. He sounded tired and his voice was croaky and I wasn't the slightest bit surprised. He probably had a killer hangover.
I called the bartender back and added some coffee to my order, knowing he would need it.
"Some of us didn't drink our body weight in alcohol three times over." Brad said, and I heard the grin in his words. I briefly wondered if that was an exaggeration or not.
The bartender told me the cost of my drinks, and I gave him my room number without paying him much attention. I was too focused on the conversation behind me.
"Tell me I didn't do anything really stupid." Ryan murmured and I swallowed hard, my fingers instinctively going to my neck. The skin was tender and sore and I knew it was red and glaringly obvious.
"Well that depends...." I heard Brad say, mock thinking, and I guessed he probably had his finger to his lips in a typical 'thoughtful' pose. "Maybe the singing?" He asked the others.
"Oh I wouldn't call singing hoedowns with Jeff to the whole bar, stupid. Could've been but I don't think anyone had a camera. Unfortunately."
I glanced around in time to see Greg's cheerful yet sarcastic grin and I couldn't help but wish I had maybe stuck around for the singing.
The bartender had piled all my drinks on a tray and was now watching me questionably. I smiled and him and took the tray and he disappeared off to serve someone else. I paused before heading back to the table though, and watched them.
They were all sat around the table we had laid claim to hours before, playing cards. Greg was balancing his in one hand, his cigarette dangerously close to them, and his drink in his other hand. Jeff sat next to him, leant back casually, his cards scattered on the table in front of him. He seemed unaware he was leaning just slightly towards Greg, although I could see it clearly from over here.
Brad was opposite Jeff, reshuffling his cards repeatedly into different orders that I guessed only he understood. My empty chair was opposite Greg's, right next to where Ryan was now sat, elbows on the table and his head in his hands, eyes closed and holding his forehead. His hair was falling in messy curls and he was wearing the clothes I'd left him.
"Downing all that scotch could've been stupid." Jeff suddenly added in. "It did cost a lot." He seemed pleased with his contribution to the 'stupid things' debate, but his excitement only earned him a glare and a groan from Ryan.
The more they said, the more I realised how drunk Ryan had actually been, not that I hadn't noticed. Yet I still felt a pang of disappointment shoot through me that I was happy to ignore.
"Oh! You licked my neck!" Brad said, as if suddenly remembering. "Though that was more disturbing that stupid. You owe me therapy." His smile gave away that he was only kidding, not that any of us could have thought otherwise. He'd done much more disturbing things with Ryan on stage and not cared.
Ryan muttered something that might have been an apology, but could've easily been an insult instead. I didn't catch it from where I was.
"I don't *think* there was anything else, was there?" Greg asked, grinning happily, barely able to keep his laughter down.
My thoughts turned to what happened after Ryan had licked Brad's neck and I knew that was where the others were heading. They'd already teased me mercilessly and now it was Ryan's turn. I wondered if it was better to go back before or after they told him, though I realised it probably wouldn't matter either way. I couldn't stop the inevitable.
I had already been too long getting the drinks, and I noticed Brad turn around, his eyes searching me out across the room. I took that as my cue to return and took a deep breath before making my way back to the table.
Without a word, I placed a glass of water and the hot cup of coffee in front of Ryan, not looking at him. He mumbled thanks but I ignored him. I gave the others their drinks and then sat back down, picking up my cards and trying for nonchalant.
It wasn't long before I felt Ryan's eyes on me, and then heard him whisper, "Fuck."
"Oh that’s right." Greg said, snapping his fingers like he only just remembered. "You also used Colin as a chew toy." He laughed, almost snorting and Jeff and Brad couldn't hold back their giggles either.
I didn't laugh. I didn't even look up. I couldn't look at Ryan because I wouldn't know how to react and I definitely didn't want to look at the others as they laughed.
I took a sip of my drink, planning to remain quiet, until I felt Ryan tug at my collar gently, revealing the large red mark I had on my neck. I shuddered as his fingers skirted over my skin and I hoped that he didn't notice. I pulled away from him just slightly, but it caused him to drop his hand as if it had been burnt on my skin.
I risked a glance at him and found he was staring at my neck, an unreadable expression firmly in place. I couldn't take the tension. The others' laughter had died down and they were simply watching us curiously.
"You owe me four hundred dollars." I said quickly, trying for humour and hoping my voice was normal.
It seemed to take a moment for the words to penetrate Ryan's mind, but when they did his eyes snapped to mine. "What?"
I forced myself to smile at him, fiddling with my collar to make it cover the mark, trying to rub away the feel of his fingers. "For the flight I had to cancel. I was supposed to be visiting my wife this weekend." I told him. It was true, and there was no way I was going to see her with this on my neck.
She would not be amused with any story I told her. Even if Ryan was the cause. Hell, especially as Ryan was the cause.
Ryan had the courtesy to look sheepish. "Sorry." He muttered, still shooting glances at my neck and I wished that I could tell what he was thinking.
The others were staring at us, noticing the awkward tension. I knew they wanted us to make some big joke out of it, because any other time, before... before things got as they were, that would be exactly what we would have done. Not now though. I couldn't take it so I rapidly changed the subject. "So whose turn is it?"
They seemed to take the hint, continuing with the game. But long after we carried on playing, chatting about meaningless things, I could still feel Ryan staring at me.
-