Carousel. Ry/Col Fic. Part Two.
Title: Carousel
Rating: 17+
Paring: Ry/Col. (Hints of Greg/Jeff and slightly mentions of Greg/Ryan but neither main focus.)
A/N: Here's the second chapter! I hope people still like. Another flashback this time, the time it was set might be a bit dodgy but hopefully it's realistic. Thanks again for all the wonderful reviews I've been left, and thank you very much once more to Lucy. :D. I will of course love and worship all who leave me feedback- whatever you wish to say- I can take it! :D
London - 1992
"You do fine. Better than fine. When are you going to realise how talented you are?"
I looked down as he spoke, not able to take the compliment. We sat together in his apartment after a day of meetings and order run-throughs for the show.
I fiddled with the torn throw that was covering his couch, playing with the frayed edges and not looking at him.
"Not at this. The only reason I don't bomb is because you carry me." I told him, and it was true.
On my first show, I'd been awful. He had got me the second chance and he'd carried me through the whole taping. He was still carrying me. He was the only reason I was still working, and not back in Canada with Deb, selling more of our possessions just to get by.
"I don't carry you. We just work well together. Once you get to know the others though you'll enjoy it just as much with them. You'll see." He sounded so confident in me, and I wished I had that confidence too.
I bit my lip, my hands twisting together. I wasn't settled in London yet, I was missing my home and missing Deb. I felt lost in my apartment all alone and I wasn't sure I was really cut out for television. The only time I felt at ease was when I was with Ryan, and he’d done enough for me that I didn’t want to rely on him so much.
"I guess." I told him, completely unconvinced.
Ryan slid off the couch and sat next to me on the floor, mirroring my pose, leaning against the front of the couch, legs stretched out in front of us.
He nudged my shoulder with his. "Relax for a bit. Enjoy our free time together."
I gave him a forced smile and looked down. My performances on the show were worrying me, and I knew Ryan was fighting to keep me there. I knew I should be letting go but I couldn't.
"You keep acting like this I'll start to think you don't love me any more." Ryan said, acting mock annoyed with me.
I couldn't hide a grin and my playful side decided to come out of hiding.
"Ha. When did I say I did?" I smiled at him.
Ryan stuck out his lower lip, his best attempt at a pout. "Admit it. You love me."
I put my finger and thumb up about an inch apart. "Maybe a little."
"Knew it."
Ryan shoved me playfully and I didn't bother to catch myself as I fell sideways onto the floor. I stayed lying down, pulling myself up and around so I was on my back, completely horizontal, with my toes touching his legs.
After a pause, I spoke.
"Can I stay here tonight?" I asked him, staring up at the ceiling. My voice was quiet, shy even, and I hoped to god that he wouldn't ask me why.
"Now, I know you love me and all but I don't think we should..." I kicked Ryan's legs gently but he just laughed.
"I don't want to go back to my apartment alone."
I told him quietly, the truth spilling out anyway, because I couldn't hide it from him. I waited for him to tease me, but because he was Ryan and he knew enough about me, he didn't.
"Then don't. I told you that you could live here anyway." He reminded me, and it was true, he had told me when I moved over to stay at his.
I had declined, politely, because I'd wanted to do something on my own. He had already got me the job; I could get myself my own place at least.
"Now who's the one in love? Wanting to move in with me? But Ryan it's so soon."
I faked a very bad female voice, moving my hand to my heart and fluttering my eyelashes even though he couldn't see me properly.
"Well I just can't resist your charms." He said back, his voice deep but joking. He shuffled around, moving until he was lying next to me on the floor, both of us ignoring his perfectly fine furniture.
"Many can't. It's understandable of course." I told him, wishing I actually believed the words I was joking about.
"Of course." Ryan agreed, sounding much more convinced than I was, as always.
"Thanks." I said quietly, wishing I could explain how grateful I was to him, for not teasing me about wanting to stay, for getting me this job, for being the best friend I could want. Getting all emotional, I realised that the alcohol we’d been drinking earlier might have gotten to me more than I thought.
Ryan smiled at me, and then stared at the ceiling, his fingers drumming an imaginary song on the floor. "You missing home?"
"A lot." I told him instinctively, and then stopped to think about it.
"Mostly Deb. We've not been this far apart for this long since we got together. Forgot how lonely it was being 'single'."
He half smiled, before an unreadable expression came over his face.
"You miss Pat?" I asked him, tapping my fingers along with him, trying to match the beats.
"Of course." He replied, quickly. It might have been too quickly, but I shook at off as being an obvious question.
We sat in comfortable silence for a little while, and I was just content to be in his company.
Eventually Ryan rolled onto his side and stared at me, his face inches away, his body parallel to mine.
"Hey, Col?"
"Yeah?" I asked him, turning and mirroring his pose. I moved backwards a little, feeling too close to him when our noses almost touched and I could feel his breath on my skin.
"You know what might help you with the loneliness?"
His voice was low and it sounded like a come-on even to me, but I pretended it was a simple question because we'd not crossed that line ever since that one night in Vancouver, and I didn't want to risk anything. The atmosphere in the room changed and it didn't feel as easy-going and carefree any more.
"What?" I asked him, cursing my voice for sounding so nervous, and forcing myself not to react to the heat that was radiating from his body near mine.
I should have expected it, because it was obvious what was about to happen as he moved closer to me, his eyes dropping to my lips. Yet I still found myself surprised when he leaned close and kissed me.
It was slow and gentle, as if he expected me to pull away any second. When I didn't, leaning into the kiss, he pressed harder, slipping his tongue past my lips and opening my mouth to him.
The feel of the kiss made my body tremble and I moaned into his mouth, a mewing sound that didn’t even sound like me.
He moved closer, his leg hooking over mine and pulling me tight to his body.
He held onto me, his hand rubbing up and down my arm, then moving lower and gripping my hip.
Sliding us over so I was on my back again, he straddled me, his hands balanced by my head but his body resting on mine. He was dangerously close, touching every inch and he rubbed against me slowly.
I felt him hard, pressing into my own erection that I now realised I had. The feeling made me snap back to reality and I pulled my lips from his, breathless from just kissing, as I managed to croak out "What are we doing?"
"Just let go for a bit. It doesn't have to mean anything." He whispered against my lips, not moving away and holding me beneath him.
I wasn't sure if I could believe him but he sounded so sure and then he was kissing me again and I gave in. I didn't want to go back to my apartment alone and the feel of him was too sweet to resist.
I knew he'd done this with Greg. He'd let it slip one night, when he'd drunk too much and they had been exchanging flirtatious comments. They said it didn't mean anything, was just sex because they were away from home and it was better than cheating with a woman. At the time, I had been so taken aback that I hadn't thought about it too deeply, yet even then it hadn't made much sense to me.
But now he was on top of me, rubbing against me, slow and teasing, I realised that if this was what Greg had felt then I couldn't blame him for not resisting.
I gave in to Ryan, letting him grind into me and bucking my hips up to meet him. I couldn't help it. I could feel him above me, touching every inch of my body, and my mind flashed back to that one drunken night years before. I remembered the sound of his moans beneath me, and I suddenly wanted to make him sound like that again.
-
He was in the bathroom.
I had pulled my clothes back on haphazardly, not that I had taken them all off, and I sat on his couch awkwardly. What had we done? My mind was racing but my body just wanted to lie down and go to sleep, satisfied and lethargic.
I couldn't though, not like this. My back was stinging, friction burn from the carpet I assumed, and my mind was racing.
We'd done it before and things had been fine, but would it be all right again? Would we still be able to joke, tease each other, and act on stage together without it being awkward? I didn't want to ruin our on-stage chemistry and I definitely didn't want to ruin our friendship.
I sat thinking, trying to work out something to say to Ryan when he came back in. Should I talk about it? Say nothing? Pretend it didn't happen?
Thoughts of Deb filtered into my mind and my stomach sank, I felt sick. Oh god. I'd cheated on her.
I'd have to tell her. I knew. I couldn't expect her to be with me if I was a cheat. I couldn't bear to think of how she'd react. I didn't want to think I'd just ruined one of the few lasting relationships I'd had. I loved her, and I wanted to be with her. Didn't I?
I mentally reprimanded myself at the thought; of course I wanted to be with her. The day I had married her I had been so happy. I loved her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.
This had just been sex, as Ryan and Greg had done right? It had also been the alcohol. That time before, so many years ago, that had been the alcohol too.
I'd written that off then as too much drink but then here we were doing it again. I wondered if maybe I should just stop drinking.
Just sex. I told myself again. Because I had been lonely and missing Deb and he was there. It didn't mean anything. Right?
I sighed, fidgeting nervously, my mind arguing with itself.
My breath caught in my throat and my thoughts skidded to a halt when I heard the bathroom door open and Ryan walk down the corridor to the room. I held my breath, my hands moving around frantically as I wasn’t sure what to do with them.
He walked in, a small smile on his face, towels wrapped roughly around his lanky body, much too short for him. He had bundle of extra towels in his hand and he tossed them over to me. I watched them land next to me on the couch, and I didn't move. Just stared at him.
"You can use my shower gel, but not too much. That shit's expensive. Oh and grab another blanket from the closet in the hall on your way? You hog the covers." He said calmly, as if we hadn't just been on the floor writhing against each other.
"Okay." I managed to get out, my voice drawing out the word because it sounded wrong. He moved to go to his bedroom, but then turned back to me.
"You alright?" He asked me, and his voice had changed, from casual to serious, and I realised that this was it. He was giving me the option to freak out.
If I really couldn't deal with it, we'd talk about it and we'd sort something out. However, if I could deal, then now was the time to leave it and we just wouldn't over analyse it. It was up to me.
And I realised then that I could deal with this. Maybe we could discuss it more another time, but right now I didn't need to. We were okay, and that mattered the most.
"Yeah, I'm good." I said back, smiling at him, and he grinned again, nodding.
I heard him repeat "Good," to himself as I made my way past him to the bathroom, my thoughts already slightly calmer.
-
Rating: 17+
Paring: Ry/Col. (Hints of Greg/Jeff and slightly mentions of Greg/Ryan but neither main focus.)
A/N: Here's the second chapter! I hope people still like. Another flashback this time, the time it was set might be a bit dodgy but hopefully it's realistic. Thanks again for all the wonderful reviews I've been left, and thank you very much once more to Lucy. :D. I will of course love and worship all who leave me feedback- whatever you wish to say- I can take it! :D
London - 1992
"You do fine. Better than fine. When are you going to realise how talented you are?"
I looked down as he spoke, not able to take the compliment. We sat together in his apartment after a day of meetings and order run-throughs for the show.
I fiddled with the torn throw that was covering his couch, playing with the frayed edges and not looking at him.
"Not at this. The only reason I don't bomb is because you carry me." I told him, and it was true.
On my first show, I'd been awful. He had got me the second chance and he'd carried me through the whole taping. He was still carrying me. He was the only reason I was still working, and not back in Canada with Deb, selling more of our possessions just to get by.
"I don't carry you. We just work well together. Once you get to know the others though you'll enjoy it just as much with them. You'll see." He sounded so confident in me, and I wished I had that confidence too.
I bit my lip, my hands twisting together. I wasn't settled in London yet, I was missing my home and missing Deb. I felt lost in my apartment all alone and I wasn't sure I was really cut out for television. The only time I felt at ease was when I was with Ryan, and he’d done enough for me that I didn’t want to rely on him so much.
"I guess." I told him, completely unconvinced.
Ryan slid off the couch and sat next to me on the floor, mirroring my pose, leaning against the front of the couch, legs stretched out in front of us.
He nudged my shoulder with his. "Relax for a bit. Enjoy our free time together."
I gave him a forced smile and looked down. My performances on the show were worrying me, and I knew Ryan was fighting to keep me there. I knew I should be letting go but I couldn't.
"You keep acting like this I'll start to think you don't love me any more." Ryan said, acting mock annoyed with me.
I couldn't hide a grin and my playful side decided to come out of hiding.
"Ha. When did I say I did?" I smiled at him.
Ryan stuck out his lower lip, his best attempt at a pout. "Admit it. You love me."
I put my finger and thumb up about an inch apart. "Maybe a little."
"Knew it."
Ryan shoved me playfully and I didn't bother to catch myself as I fell sideways onto the floor. I stayed lying down, pulling myself up and around so I was on my back, completely horizontal, with my toes touching his legs.
After a pause, I spoke.
"Can I stay here tonight?" I asked him, staring up at the ceiling. My voice was quiet, shy even, and I hoped to god that he wouldn't ask me why.
"Now, I know you love me and all but I don't think we should..." I kicked Ryan's legs gently but he just laughed.
"I don't want to go back to my apartment alone."
I told him quietly, the truth spilling out anyway, because I couldn't hide it from him. I waited for him to tease me, but because he was Ryan and he knew enough about me, he didn't.
"Then don't. I told you that you could live here anyway." He reminded me, and it was true, he had told me when I moved over to stay at his.
I had declined, politely, because I'd wanted to do something on my own. He had already got me the job; I could get myself my own place at least.
"Now who's the one in love? Wanting to move in with me? But Ryan it's so soon."
I faked a very bad female voice, moving my hand to my heart and fluttering my eyelashes even though he couldn't see me properly.
"Well I just can't resist your charms." He said back, his voice deep but joking. He shuffled around, moving until he was lying next to me on the floor, both of us ignoring his perfectly fine furniture.
"Many can't. It's understandable of course." I told him, wishing I actually believed the words I was joking about.
"Of course." Ryan agreed, sounding much more convinced than I was, as always.
"Thanks." I said quietly, wishing I could explain how grateful I was to him, for not teasing me about wanting to stay, for getting me this job, for being the best friend I could want. Getting all emotional, I realised that the alcohol we’d been drinking earlier might have gotten to me more than I thought.
Ryan smiled at me, and then stared at the ceiling, his fingers drumming an imaginary song on the floor. "You missing home?"
"A lot." I told him instinctively, and then stopped to think about it.
"Mostly Deb. We've not been this far apart for this long since we got together. Forgot how lonely it was being 'single'."
He half smiled, before an unreadable expression came over his face.
"You miss Pat?" I asked him, tapping my fingers along with him, trying to match the beats.
"Of course." He replied, quickly. It might have been too quickly, but I shook at off as being an obvious question.
We sat in comfortable silence for a little while, and I was just content to be in his company.
Eventually Ryan rolled onto his side and stared at me, his face inches away, his body parallel to mine.
"Hey, Col?"
"Yeah?" I asked him, turning and mirroring his pose. I moved backwards a little, feeling too close to him when our noses almost touched and I could feel his breath on my skin.
"You know what might help you with the loneliness?"
His voice was low and it sounded like a come-on even to me, but I pretended it was a simple question because we'd not crossed that line ever since that one night in Vancouver, and I didn't want to risk anything. The atmosphere in the room changed and it didn't feel as easy-going and carefree any more.
"What?" I asked him, cursing my voice for sounding so nervous, and forcing myself not to react to the heat that was radiating from his body near mine.
I should have expected it, because it was obvious what was about to happen as he moved closer to me, his eyes dropping to my lips. Yet I still found myself surprised when he leaned close and kissed me.
It was slow and gentle, as if he expected me to pull away any second. When I didn't, leaning into the kiss, he pressed harder, slipping his tongue past my lips and opening my mouth to him.
The feel of the kiss made my body tremble and I moaned into his mouth, a mewing sound that didn’t even sound like me.
He moved closer, his leg hooking over mine and pulling me tight to his body.
He held onto me, his hand rubbing up and down my arm, then moving lower and gripping my hip.
Sliding us over so I was on my back again, he straddled me, his hands balanced by my head but his body resting on mine. He was dangerously close, touching every inch and he rubbed against me slowly.
I felt him hard, pressing into my own erection that I now realised I had. The feeling made me snap back to reality and I pulled my lips from his, breathless from just kissing, as I managed to croak out "What are we doing?"
"Just let go for a bit. It doesn't have to mean anything." He whispered against my lips, not moving away and holding me beneath him.
I wasn't sure if I could believe him but he sounded so sure and then he was kissing me again and I gave in. I didn't want to go back to my apartment alone and the feel of him was too sweet to resist.
I knew he'd done this with Greg. He'd let it slip one night, when he'd drunk too much and they had been exchanging flirtatious comments. They said it didn't mean anything, was just sex because they were away from home and it was better than cheating with a woman. At the time, I had been so taken aback that I hadn't thought about it too deeply, yet even then it hadn't made much sense to me.
But now he was on top of me, rubbing against me, slow and teasing, I realised that if this was what Greg had felt then I couldn't blame him for not resisting.
I gave in to Ryan, letting him grind into me and bucking my hips up to meet him. I couldn't help it. I could feel him above me, touching every inch of my body, and my mind flashed back to that one drunken night years before. I remembered the sound of his moans beneath me, and I suddenly wanted to make him sound like that again.
-
He was in the bathroom.
I had pulled my clothes back on haphazardly, not that I had taken them all off, and I sat on his couch awkwardly. What had we done? My mind was racing but my body just wanted to lie down and go to sleep, satisfied and lethargic.
I couldn't though, not like this. My back was stinging, friction burn from the carpet I assumed, and my mind was racing.
We'd done it before and things had been fine, but would it be all right again? Would we still be able to joke, tease each other, and act on stage together without it being awkward? I didn't want to ruin our on-stage chemistry and I definitely didn't want to ruin our friendship.
I sat thinking, trying to work out something to say to Ryan when he came back in. Should I talk about it? Say nothing? Pretend it didn't happen?
Thoughts of Deb filtered into my mind and my stomach sank, I felt sick. Oh god. I'd cheated on her.
I'd have to tell her. I knew. I couldn't expect her to be with me if I was a cheat. I couldn't bear to think of how she'd react. I didn't want to think I'd just ruined one of the few lasting relationships I'd had. I loved her, and I wanted to be with her. Didn't I?
I mentally reprimanded myself at the thought; of course I wanted to be with her. The day I had married her I had been so happy. I loved her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.
This had just been sex, as Ryan and Greg had done right? It had also been the alcohol. That time before, so many years ago, that had been the alcohol too.
I'd written that off then as too much drink but then here we were doing it again. I wondered if maybe I should just stop drinking.
Just sex. I told myself again. Because I had been lonely and missing Deb and he was there. It didn't mean anything. Right?
I sighed, fidgeting nervously, my mind arguing with itself.
My breath caught in my throat and my thoughts skidded to a halt when I heard the bathroom door open and Ryan walk down the corridor to the room. I held my breath, my hands moving around frantically as I wasn’t sure what to do with them.
He walked in, a small smile on his face, towels wrapped roughly around his lanky body, much too short for him. He had bundle of extra towels in his hand and he tossed them over to me. I watched them land next to me on the couch, and I didn't move. Just stared at him.
"You can use my shower gel, but not too much. That shit's expensive. Oh and grab another blanket from the closet in the hall on your way? You hog the covers." He said calmly, as if we hadn't just been on the floor writhing against each other.
"Okay." I managed to get out, my voice drawing out the word because it sounded wrong. He moved to go to his bedroom, but then turned back to me.
"You alright?" He asked me, and his voice had changed, from casual to serious, and I realised that this was it. He was giving me the option to freak out.
If I really couldn't deal with it, we'd talk about it and we'd sort something out. However, if I could deal, then now was the time to leave it and we just wouldn't over analyse it. It was up to me.
And I realised then that I could deal with this. Maybe we could discuss it more another time, but right now I didn't need to. We were okay, and that mattered the most.
"Yeah, I'm good." I said back, smiling at him, and he grinned again, nodding.
I heard him repeat "Good," to himself as I made my way past him to the bathroom, my thoughts already slightly calmer.
-