'Carousel'. Ry/Col Fic. Part Six.
As usual, X-posted to WliiaLove.
Title: Carousel
Rating: 17+
Paring: Ry/Col. (Hints of Greg/Jeff and slightly mentions of Greg/Ryan but neither main focus.)
A/N: Sixth chapter here, not much to say though this one is quite dialogue heavy, hope that comes across okay! And just once again thanks for all the lovely reviews, I'd adore more, and thanks to Lucy who is amazing! :)
Present Time- 2007
The day carried on quite calmly, with a lot of laughs and a lot more reminiscing. I even managed to relax around Ryan a little, and we found ourselves enjoying memories together.
Until he said something, I'm not even sure what, and he touched my arm and I flinched away from him because I couldn't deal with him touching me.
He looked at me then, staring with that damn unreadable expression on his face that he had began to favour, although I was sure that for a brief second, I saw pain flash in his eyes.
I made a swift exit after that, feigning the need for some air, and disappeared outside, finding a bench around by one of the hotel buildings.
I leant back and let the cool air wash over me, calming me.
Not long after I sat down, I heard footsteps and I looked up to see Ryan stood in front of me. He towered above me, looking down, hands clenched by his side as he glared at me.
"I can't take this any more."
I had been waiting for this, the long-awaited confrontation.
I knew I needed to say something, but I wasn’t sure what.
"Ryan..." I started, still undecided on where I was going to go with it. He obviously realised I had nothing, because he interrupted me, continuing his sentence as if he hadn't paused at all.
"I can't. I need to know what is going on with you. With us."
He began to pace in front of me, pausing to look at me occasionally, before resuming his pacing. He was moving quickly and I felt like I was watching a tennis game as I moved my head back and forth, following him. His body was tense and I could see that all the emotions he'd been holding inside were ready to spill out.
I looked down and took a deep breath, ready to lie to him because I didn't know what else to say.
"Nothing is..."
He interrupted again, his voice rising with each word as he paused in front of me once more.
"Colin we've been friends for a lifetime. But it's like I don't even know you any more. One minute you are just like you were, we're us again. And then suddenly you shy away like I fucking bit you."
I could see his confusion, his frustration, it poured from every word. I was trying to keep calm myself, but I was feeling it too, emotions swirling around that I had to push down for fear I would say too much.
"Which you did actually..." I said, unconsciously tilting my head to expose the mark still on my neck. I couldn't help it; I felt the need to lighten up the situation.
Of course it didn't work, but then I hadn't really expected it to.
"Is that what this is about?" He asked, but answered before I could because he knew the response anyway. "No of course it's not. What's going on?" He stared at me, daring me to lie to him again, to pretend that everything was okay.
I gave it one more shot.
"Nothing is going on." I told him.
I could see his anger rising, so I tried for something else, refusing to raise my voice. “Why do we have to be so close all the time? People change."
He wasn't taking that as an answer. "That's not it." He paused for a long time, staring at me.
I met his eyes and stared back, feeling tired and unable to deal with this. I didn't know what to say to him, what I wanted to say to him.
Suddenly he spoke again, less angry this time. "Why did you leave?"
He was trying for conversational in the tone, but his voice was low and serious.
There it was. What it all came down to.
I left, I ran away.
I pretended again, feigning ignorance to what he was actually referring to, stalling for time because I knew he would call me on it. "I...I just came to get some space..."
"I meant before." He told me, knowing I knew that anyway. "You just disappeared. I called you, and you didn't call back. Just gone. For two years."
"I wasn't exactly hiding." I told him, desperate to relieve some of the guilt from my leaving and ignoring him. I tried to tell myself that he could've tried harder to contact me, my tour dates were advertised and anyone could find out where I was at any given time.
But I also knew that I'd actively avoided him the few times he had tried to contact me.
After trying that day to knock at my door, he'd finally given up not long before I'd left the hotel. Then he had called exactly five times. Each time leaving a message with Deb or on our machine. He'd called Brad once as well. He almost begged me to call back, his concern evident, but I hadn't been able to bring myself to respond.
"No but you were avoiding me. I wasn't going to chase around after you when I knew you didn't want to see me."
I knew what he said was true. It was my fault things were like this. I'd up and left him, ending our friendship without even telling him, and expected him to... not understand maybe, but to live with it.
"Why?" Ryan asked me, now seeming more confused than angry. I could see both emotions swirling in his eyes, like he was trying to settle on one, but couldn't decide which.
I couldn't bear to look at him. "Nothing. I just thought it would be better if we didn't see each other... It's complicated."
"We have time." He finally sat down next to me. He wasn't close enough that we were touching, which if it were anyone else wouldn't seem odd, but with Ryan, it made the distance between us so much clearer.
I wanted to tell him the truth but I couldn't. I tried to explain around it, saying all I could bring myself to say and I just hoped he would understand. "We needed some space. Time apart. Still do."
He didn't understand I could tell. He just seemed more confused, and I couldn't work out how he could be so blind to everything between us.
Or he ignored it.
I guessed that was more likely.
"For what?" He asked, pressing me for a real answer.
I didn't know what to say. I couldn't tell him the truth because then those words would be out there and I couldn't take them back and then nothing would ever be right between us again. Maybe it still wouldn't. There was a long awkward moment of silence, where Ryan stared at me and I just avoided his eyes.
"Okay." Ryan sighed, getting up. He turned to leave, but then turned back at the last moment. "So that’s it then? All these years and you've just decided that you don't want to be friends any more?"
"Is that what we were?" It just slipped out, but the moment it did, I regretted it. I knew he wouldn't take it like I meant it.
Ryan looked as if he'd been stabbed through the chest. He stared at me, shock, confusion and hurt all swirling in his features but I suddenly couldn't think of what to say to make it right.
It took me too long to come up with an answer, my ability to think on my feet clearly having disappeared somewhere and he had already made his own conclusions.
The next thing I heard was Ryan's loud footsteps as he stormed away back into the building.
-
I sat on the bench for a long time after he left, thinking things over.
I hadn't been ready for this.
After that night, I'd thought things over, came to conclusions I really hadn't wanted to come to, and had decided to bury my head in the sand and ignore them.
It had worked. I'd been living with my feelings, ignoring the want and that stabbing feeling I got in my chest any time I thought of him and how much I missed him.
It may not have been an ideal solution, but it was one I could live with.
Until he had showed up and screwed everything up and I couldn't ignore things any more. The worst part was that I didn't even want to.
"Colin, you out here?" I heard a voice call, Greg, I realised, his tone unmistakable. I didn't see him though.
I made my presence known, calling, "Over here Greg," and he appeared from around the corner, smiling at me as he walked over.
"Can I have a word?" He asked, which of course meant something was wrong because Greg didn't ask to speak his mind, he just did.
I forced a smile. "Have many. You come to tell me I'm a bastard?"
It was the only reason I could think for him wanting to talk, because it was very likely that he'd seen Ryan by now and even more likely that Ryan had ranted to him about everything, needing to tell someone and Greg being his closest confident around.
Greg almost surprised me when he said no. He gave me a grin, adjusting his glasses and looking at me sympathetically.
I looked at him, knowing that he had some input he wanted to give me on the subject. "So what then?"
"Just wanted to see how your doing." He said, and I could believe that, but there was more to it.
"Right." I replied, looking at him sceptically. He watched me, his eyes focusing on my hand and I realised that I was rubbing at the mark on my neck. I pulled it away sharply and looked down.
Greg didn't say anything else and so neither did I. I simply waited.
He sighed. "Okay, and we need to talk, man."
I sighed as well, knowing what was coming. "Did I upset him?" I asked, sure of the answer but hoping on some crazy off chance that I was wrong.
"No no, you didn't upset him at all." Greg said, the sarcasm dripping from his words.
The words I had been looking for when Ryan had been stood before me, came out all too late, as I spilled to Greg. "He didn't understand me right. I didn't mean what I said. He was my best friend, always."
Greg wasn't stupid; in fact, he was one of the smartest and most observant people I knew. And he spotted my slip before I did.
"The 'was' is the part I'm having trouble with." He raised an eyebrow, questioning.
"It's..." I started, but he interrupted me, and I had the brief thought that I was fed up with people doing that. Even if I knew that I had nothing worthwhile to say.
"Complicated. I know. After hearing Ryan scream it a few times, it sticks in your mind."
I sighed again and felt even guiltier.
"Look, just tell me what you’re thinking. I am occasionally helpful." Greg said, smiling gently at me.
I stared at him for a long moment, trying to suss him out. I knew I could trust him, I just didn't want to. I looked down, staring into my lap.
"I'm in love with him." I said finally, realising how true the words were when I heard myself say them aloud.
Greg didn’t seem very surprised, which unnerved me slightly. It shouldn’t have, but I like to live with the idea that I'm not actually that readable.
"Okay. So you thought breaking his heart was the best way to deal with that?" Greg said blankly, and I was shocked by his harshness, whether it was true or not.
"Ouch." I muttered quietly, still not looking at him.
"Sorry." He said quickly, but he didn't take it back. "C’mon, so you love him, haven't you always?"
I had. I could just about admit that. But this was different. "Not like this. Not like I actually think about leaving my wife for him, running away and spending nights curled up next to him...." I trailed off, shaking away the thoughts.
That, I noted with some warped satisfaction, did surprise him.
"Fuck man, that's a bit 'happily ever after' isn't it? Even for you."
"That's the problem. The minute I'm around him it's all I can think of." Which was true. It was the reason I shied away from his touch and tried not to sit near him. Every look and touch and word made things harder.
"So tell him." Greg said like it was the most simple thing in the world, but to me, it was anything but.
"And ruin the friendship...." There were other reasons, many reasons that I could spend hours writing out on why that wouldn't be a good idea. I could write essays on it.
"The friendship that you've just screwed up?"
I wasn't listening, too stuck in the idea of telling Ryan, listing the reasons in my head. "It would be pointless anyway. It definitely cannot go anywhere. It's best that we just don't see each other."
"You know he feels the same way about you right?" Greg said finally, interrupting my ramblings. I stared at my shoes, noticing that I should probably clean them soon.
There was a long moment of silence, and Greg moved to get up, to give me some space. He laid a hand on my shoulder comfortingly squeezing, then he began to head back inside.
"Maybe that's what I'm afraid of." I whispered, long after he'd gone.
-
Taking a deep breath, I straightened my shoulders and headed over to him. He was in the hotel's patio area, just down from the pool, sat on the concrete and leaning against a wall. I imagined the position must've been killing his back, but he didn't seem to care. Or if he did, he wasn't showing it. Then again, he wasn't giving away much.
"Ry, can I have a word?" I asked him gently, looking down at him.
He didn't respond, simply took a long drag of his cigarette, exhaling slowly.
He didn't even turn to look at me, which I guess I deserved.
I sat down beside him, my own back protesting at the awkward movements as I leant against the wall, copying his pose. I sat a safe distance away, once more not touching him, highlighting again the awkwardness surrounding us.
I bit my lip, nervous yet desperate to make things okay.
"You know I didn't mean what you thought I did. You've always been my best friend." I said quietly.
The sounds of children chattering quietly by the pool surrounded us, splashes echoing, and the wind blew gently through the trees, whistling quietly.
It would have been peaceful if I didn't feel so uncomfortable.
He didn't respond for a long time and I began to wonder if this was a bad idea, if I should have just left him. My hands fiddled together nervously, twisting my wedding ring, subconsciously reminding myself that it was still there. I noticed absently that his wasn't and I guessed he must have lost it again.
When Ryan finally did speak, his voice was so quiet and serious that I barely recognised it.
"So what happened? It's about that night isn't it? That's what's bothering you."
I took another deep breath and my fingers itched with the craving for a cigarette, something I hadn't wanted for a long time. I inhaled some of the smoke that he exhaled, breathing in gratefully fumes that should have repulsed me.
"It shouldn't have happened. I cheated on my wife with you." I told him, trying for honesty, yet still not saying too much.
"You've done it before." Ryan said, and I wondered how he could be so unfeeling about it all, when I was sure he loved his wife and cared about her feelings.
I knew he sometimes felt guilty, that was clear, but other times he didn't even seem to think he'd done anything wrong.
"Doesn't make it all right. It makes it worse. She forgave me once but she won't again."
I had almost told her after it had happened, the words nearly slipping out with my guilt, but I'd chickened out at the last minute.
I was glad I did, I knew couldn't face telling her. I had been lucky the first time, but I wouldn't be again. She would never forgive me and I couldn't break her heart like that.
Ryan didn't argue, likely because there was no way he could.
"So it's over now. Won't happen again." He said, making it sound so simple, but I couldn't help but feel that he didn't really mean the words. He seemed to be just talking to placate me.
He finally spared me a look. "You blame me..." He started and it was almost a question, so I answered, interrupting him for a change.
"I don't. We were both there." I said quickly. It didn't matter who had started it, either of us could have stopped at any time, but we hadn't.
He watched me, looking at me like he wasn't sure what to believe. "Right. So what, now you think I won't be able to keep my hands off you?"
"Already haven't." I replied, knowing that if I closed my eyes I could still feel him against me, taste him on my tongue.
"I was very drunk. And nothing happened." He waved his hands around, fidgeting nervously beside me, half-ranting, half-sighing. "I have some self control for fucks sake."
He paused and looked at me, like he'd said something wrong, but I didn't know what. Before I had time to analyse it, he spoke again.
"I didn't come on to you back then either. We were both just lonely."
Which was of course, the story we'd silently settled on. That it was some relief when we were both lonely. Except last time we really had no reason to be that lonely.
"Uh huh." I replied, trying to agree, but I knew I didn't sound sure of myself.
I knew I was lying, after all.
"It won't happen again." Ryan said once more, watching me now. He almost seemed disappointed, but I took his tone to mean that he was still annoyed with me, rather than anything else. I didn't want to think it meant anything else.
"I don't want to lose our friendship." I told him honestly, my voice quiet because I didn't like talking about emotions like this. It was uncomfortable and nerve-racking and everything I said felt like a lie, even when it wasn't, because what I really wanted to tell him, I couldn't.
"Me neither." He said, and it was the only thing he sounded convinced about.
After a long pause, he sighed and looked at me. "So let's just forget it."
I nodded in response, wondering if it was even possible to go back to how we were, but hoping that maybe we could.
He nudged my shoulder with his, a peace offering.
I began to think that maybe things could be all right, even if I had to ignore the feel of my skin tingling where he touched me and ignore the part of me that was screaming at me, wanting not what we had before, but much more.
-
Title: Carousel
Rating: 17+
Paring: Ry/Col. (Hints of Greg/Jeff and slightly mentions of Greg/Ryan but neither main focus.)
A/N: Sixth chapter here, not much to say though this one is quite dialogue heavy, hope that comes across okay! And just once again thanks for all the lovely reviews, I'd adore more, and thanks to Lucy who is amazing! :)
Present Time- 2007
The day carried on quite calmly, with a lot of laughs and a lot more reminiscing. I even managed to relax around Ryan a little, and we found ourselves enjoying memories together.
Until he said something, I'm not even sure what, and he touched my arm and I flinched away from him because I couldn't deal with him touching me.
He looked at me then, staring with that damn unreadable expression on his face that he had began to favour, although I was sure that for a brief second, I saw pain flash in his eyes.
I made a swift exit after that, feigning the need for some air, and disappeared outside, finding a bench around by one of the hotel buildings.
I leant back and let the cool air wash over me, calming me.
Not long after I sat down, I heard footsteps and I looked up to see Ryan stood in front of me. He towered above me, looking down, hands clenched by his side as he glared at me.
"I can't take this any more."
I had been waiting for this, the long-awaited confrontation.
I knew I needed to say something, but I wasn’t sure what.
"Ryan..." I started, still undecided on where I was going to go with it. He obviously realised I had nothing, because he interrupted me, continuing his sentence as if he hadn't paused at all.
"I can't. I need to know what is going on with you. With us."
He began to pace in front of me, pausing to look at me occasionally, before resuming his pacing. He was moving quickly and I felt like I was watching a tennis game as I moved my head back and forth, following him. His body was tense and I could see that all the emotions he'd been holding inside were ready to spill out.
I looked down and took a deep breath, ready to lie to him because I didn't know what else to say.
"Nothing is..."
He interrupted again, his voice rising with each word as he paused in front of me once more.
"Colin we've been friends for a lifetime. But it's like I don't even know you any more. One minute you are just like you were, we're us again. And then suddenly you shy away like I fucking bit you."
I could see his confusion, his frustration, it poured from every word. I was trying to keep calm myself, but I was feeling it too, emotions swirling around that I had to push down for fear I would say too much.
"Which you did actually..." I said, unconsciously tilting my head to expose the mark still on my neck. I couldn't help it; I felt the need to lighten up the situation.
Of course it didn't work, but then I hadn't really expected it to.
"Is that what this is about?" He asked, but answered before I could because he knew the response anyway. "No of course it's not. What's going on?" He stared at me, daring me to lie to him again, to pretend that everything was okay.
I gave it one more shot.
"Nothing is going on." I told him.
I could see his anger rising, so I tried for something else, refusing to raise my voice. “Why do we have to be so close all the time? People change."
He wasn't taking that as an answer. "That's not it." He paused for a long time, staring at me.
I met his eyes and stared back, feeling tired and unable to deal with this. I didn't know what to say to him, what I wanted to say to him.
Suddenly he spoke again, less angry this time. "Why did you leave?"
He was trying for conversational in the tone, but his voice was low and serious.
There it was. What it all came down to.
I left, I ran away.
I pretended again, feigning ignorance to what he was actually referring to, stalling for time because I knew he would call me on it. "I...I just came to get some space..."
"I meant before." He told me, knowing I knew that anyway. "You just disappeared. I called you, and you didn't call back. Just gone. For two years."
"I wasn't exactly hiding." I told him, desperate to relieve some of the guilt from my leaving and ignoring him. I tried to tell myself that he could've tried harder to contact me, my tour dates were advertised and anyone could find out where I was at any given time.
But I also knew that I'd actively avoided him the few times he had tried to contact me.
After trying that day to knock at my door, he'd finally given up not long before I'd left the hotel. Then he had called exactly five times. Each time leaving a message with Deb or on our machine. He'd called Brad once as well. He almost begged me to call back, his concern evident, but I hadn't been able to bring myself to respond.
"No but you were avoiding me. I wasn't going to chase around after you when I knew you didn't want to see me."
I knew what he said was true. It was my fault things were like this. I'd up and left him, ending our friendship without even telling him, and expected him to... not understand maybe, but to live with it.
"Why?" Ryan asked me, now seeming more confused than angry. I could see both emotions swirling in his eyes, like he was trying to settle on one, but couldn't decide which.
I couldn't bear to look at him. "Nothing. I just thought it would be better if we didn't see each other... It's complicated."
"We have time." He finally sat down next to me. He wasn't close enough that we were touching, which if it were anyone else wouldn't seem odd, but with Ryan, it made the distance between us so much clearer.
I wanted to tell him the truth but I couldn't. I tried to explain around it, saying all I could bring myself to say and I just hoped he would understand. "We needed some space. Time apart. Still do."
He didn't understand I could tell. He just seemed more confused, and I couldn't work out how he could be so blind to everything between us.
Or he ignored it.
I guessed that was more likely.
"For what?" He asked, pressing me for a real answer.
I didn't know what to say. I couldn't tell him the truth because then those words would be out there and I couldn't take them back and then nothing would ever be right between us again. Maybe it still wouldn't. There was a long awkward moment of silence, where Ryan stared at me and I just avoided his eyes.
"Okay." Ryan sighed, getting up. He turned to leave, but then turned back at the last moment. "So that’s it then? All these years and you've just decided that you don't want to be friends any more?"
"Is that what we were?" It just slipped out, but the moment it did, I regretted it. I knew he wouldn't take it like I meant it.
Ryan looked as if he'd been stabbed through the chest. He stared at me, shock, confusion and hurt all swirling in his features but I suddenly couldn't think of what to say to make it right.
It took me too long to come up with an answer, my ability to think on my feet clearly having disappeared somewhere and he had already made his own conclusions.
The next thing I heard was Ryan's loud footsteps as he stormed away back into the building.
-
I sat on the bench for a long time after he left, thinking things over.
I hadn't been ready for this.
After that night, I'd thought things over, came to conclusions I really hadn't wanted to come to, and had decided to bury my head in the sand and ignore them.
It had worked. I'd been living with my feelings, ignoring the want and that stabbing feeling I got in my chest any time I thought of him and how much I missed him.
It may not have been an ideal solution, but it was one I could live with.
Until he had showed up and screwed everything up and I couldn't ignore things any more. The worst part was that I didn't even want to.
"Colin, you out here?" I heard a voice call, Greg, I realised, his tone unmistakable. I didn't see him though.
I made my presence known, calling, "Over here Greg," and he appeared from around the corner, smiling at me as he walked over.
"Can I have a word?" He asked, which of course meant something was wrong because Greg didn't ask to speak his mind, he just did.
I forced a smile. "Have many. You come to tell me I'm a bastard?"
It was the only reason I could think for him wanting to talk, because it was very likely that he'd seen Ryan by now and even more likely that Ryan had ranted to him about everything, needing to tell someone and Greg being his closest confident around.
Greg almost surprised me when he said no. He gave me a grin, adjusting his glasses and looking at me sympathetically.
I looked at him, knowing that he had some input he wanted to give me on the subject. "So what then?"
"Just wanted to see how your doing." He said, and I could believe that, but there was more to it.
"Right." I replied, looking at him sceptically. He watched me, his eyes focusing on my hand and I realised that I was rubbing at the mark on my neck. I pulled it away sharply and looked down.
Greg didn't say anything else and so neither did I. I simply waited.
He sighed. "Okay, and we need to talk, man."
I sighed as well, knowing what was coming. "Did I upset him?" I asked, sure of the answer but hoping on some crazy off chance that I was wrong.
"No no, you didn't upset him at all." Greg said, the sarcasm dripping from his words.
The words I had been looking for when Ryan had been stood before me, came out all too late, as I spilled to Greg. "He didn't understand me right. I didn't mean what I said. He was my best friend, always."
Greg wasn't stupid; in fact, he was one of the smartest and most observant people I knew. And he spotted my slip before I did.
"The 'was' is the part I'm having trouble with." He raised an eyebrow, questioning.
"It's..." I started, but he interrupted me, and I had the brief thought that I was fed up with people doing that. Even if I knew that I had nothing worthwhile to say.
"Complicated. I know. After hearing Ryan scream it a few times, it sticks in your mind."
I sighed again and felt even guiltier.
"Look, just tell me what you’re thinking. I am occasionally helpful." Greg said, smiling gently at me.
I stared at him for a long moment, trying to suss him out. I knew I could trust him, I just didn't want to. I looked down, staring into my lap.
"I'm in love with him." I said finally, realising how true the words were when I heard myself say them aloud.
Greg didn’t seem very surprised, which unnerved me slightly. It shouldn’t have, but I like to live with the idea that I'm not actually that readable.
"Okay. So you thought breaking his heart was the best way to deal with that?" Greg said blankly, and I was shocked by his harshness, whether it was true or not.
"Ouch." I muttered quietly, still not looking at him.
"Sorry." He said quickly, but he didn't take it back. "C’mon, so you love him, haven't you always?"
I had. I could just about admit that. But this was different. "Not like this. Not like I actually think about leaving my wife for him, running away and spending nights curled up next to him...." I trailed off, shaking away the thoughts.
That, I noted with some warped satisfaction, did surprise him.
"Fuck man, that's a bit 'happily ever after' isn't it? Even for you."
"That's the problem. The minute I'm around him it's all I can think of." Which was true. It was the reason I shied away from his touch and tried not to sit near him. Every look and touch and word made things harder.
"So tell him." Greg said like it was the most simple thing in the world, but to me, it was anything but.
"And ruin the friendship...." There were other reasons, many reasons that I could spend hours writing out on why that wouldn't be a good idea. I could write essays on it.
"The friendship that you've just screwed up?"
I wasn't listening, too stuck in the idea of telling Ryan, listing the reasons in my head. "It would be pointless anyway. It definitely cannot go anywhere. It's best that we just don't see each other."
"You know he feels the same way about you right?" Greg said finally, interrupting my ramblings. I stared at my shoes, noticing that I should probably clean them soon.
There was a long moment of silence, and Greg moved to get up, to give me some space. He laid a hand on my shoulder comfortingly squeezing, then he began to head back inside.
"Maybe that's what I'm afraid of." I whispered, long after he'd gone.
-
Taking a deep breath, I straightened my shoulders and headed over to him. He was in the hotel's patio area, just down from the pool, sat on the concrete and leaning against a wall. I imagined the position must've been killing his back, but he didn't seem to care. Or if he did, he wasn't showing it. Then again, he wasn't giving away much.
"Ry, can I have a word?" I asked him gently, looking down at him.
He didn't respond, simply took a long drag of his cigarette, exhaling slowly.
He didn't even turn to look at me, which I guess I deserved.
I sat down beside him, my own back protesting at the awkward movements as I leant against the wall, copying his pose. I sat a safe distance away, once more not touching him, highlighting again the awkwardness surrounding us.
I bit my lip, nervous yet desperate to make things okay.
"You know I didn't mean what you thought I did. You've always been my best friend." I said quietly.
The sounds of children chattering quietly by the pool surrounded us, splashes echoing, and the wind blew gently through the trees, whistling quietly.
It would have been peaceful if I didn't feel so uncomfortable.
He didn't respond for a long time and I began to wonder if this was a bad idea, if I should have just left him. My hands fiddled together nervously, twisting my wedding ring, subconsciously reminding myself that it was still there. I noticed absently that his wasn't and I guessed he must have lost it again.
When Ryan finally did speak, his voice was so quiet and serious that I barely recognised it.
"So what happened? It's about that night isn't it? That's what's bothering you."
I took another deep breath and my fingers itched with the craving for a cigarette, something I hadn't wanted for a long time. I inhaled some of the smoke that he exhaled, breathing in gratefully fumes that should have repulsed me.
"It shouldn't have happened. I cheated on my wife with you." I told him, trying for honesty, yet still not saying too much.
"You've done it before." Ryan said, and I wondered how he could be so unfeeling about it all, when I was sure he loved his wife and cared about her feelings.
I knew he sometimes felt guilty, that was clear, but other times he didn't even seem to think he'd done anything wrong.
"Doesn't make it all right. It makes it worse. She forgave me once but she won't again."
I had almost told her after it had happened, the words nearly slipping out with my guilt, but I'd chickened out at the last minute.
I was glad I did, I knew couldn't face telling her. I had been lucky the first time, but I wouldn't be again. She would never forgive me and I couldn't break her heart like that.
Ryan didn't argue, likely because there was no way he could.
"So it's over now. Won't happen again." He said, making it sound so simple, but I couldn't help but feel that he didn't really mean the words. He seemed to be just talking to placate me.
He finally spared me a look. "You blame me..." He started and it was almost a question, so I answered, interrupting him for a change.
"I don't. We were both there." I said quickly. It didn't matter who had started it, either of us could have stopped at any time, but we hadn't.
He watched me, looking at me like he wasn't sure what to believe. "Right. So what, now you think I won't be able to keep my hands off you?"
"Already haven't." I replied, knowing that if I closed my eyes I could still feel him against me, taste him on my tongue.
"I was very drunk. And nothing happened." He waved his hands around, fidgeting nervously beside me, half-ranting, half-sighing. "I have some self control for fucks sake."
He paused and looked at me, like he'd said something wrong, but I didn't know what. Before I had time to analyse it, he spoke again.
"I didn't come on to you back then either. We were both just lonely."
Which was of course, the story we'd silently settled on. That it was some relief when we were both lonely. Except last time we really had no reason to be that lonely.
"Uh huh." I replied, trying to agree, but I knew I didn't sound sure of myself.
I knew I was lying, after all.
"It won't happen again." Ryan said once more, watching me now. He almost seemed disappointed, but I took his tone to mean that he was still annoyed with me, rather than anything else. I didn't want to think it meant anything else.
"I don't want to lose our friendship." I told him honestly, my voice quiet because I didn't like talking about emotions like this. It was uncomfortable and nerve-racking and everything I said felt like a lie, even when it wasn't, because what I really wanted to tell him, I couldn't.
"Me neither." He said, and it was the only thing he sounded convinced about.
After a long pause, he sighed and looked at me. "So let's just forget it."
I nodded in response, wondering if it was even possible to go back to how we were, but hoping that maybe we could.
He nudged my shoulder with his, a peace offering.
I began to think that maybe things could be all right, even if I had to ignore the feel of my skin tingling where he touched me and ignore the part of me that was screaming at me, wanting not what we had before, but much more.
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