(no subject)
Almost done rereading Queen of Angels. Greg Bear makes me think. I am totally sucked into the suppositions on which his novels are based. Darwin's Radio asks, what if the keys to our evolution are viruses locked into our DNA, and how would we respond to an evolution? Among the suppositions in Queen of Angels is that there are multiple selves within our psyches, lesser personalities that specialize, have particular talents. Contemporary psychology also recognizes that we use different personalities for different tasks. I wonder if I've had to pour a lot of energy into the development of several personalities, diversifying instead of creating one very strong, sophisticated self? I just feel so underdeveloped sometimes. I've never had so many friends who are younger than me since living up north. I used to only have friends who were older. I often feel jarred by our differences: where we grew up, what we remember from childhood, and more troubling, something very basic in how we perceive the world. I don't know if my map of the world is useful. I am not always clear whether my subjective reality is close enough to others' to make good decisions. Like last night, I was sure that AJ was getting irritated with me for talking so much to his friend, but he kept saying everything was okay. That was part of why I felt like I was 14 again: I can't read anyone properly.
I'm nervous about the show tonight. I feel like I'll be performing for my peers, my community. There's more at stake fucking up than with a room full of comedians. And I'm still very uncertain about my timing, stage presence, and confidence. The actual material, I'm convinced, is funny, but can I make it funny to others? I have to get this old personality out of cold storage that remembers how to be in public. I last dusted it off for the legal staffing job, because I was constantly talking to others. I get nervous, but then after a while it just clicks, and I can "be myself," whatever that is. I wish I could be as funny as I am in my own head. When my brain's putting on a performance, it's really good: the timing's excellent, I use just the right tone to draw people in and make them want to listen to me. I've also read that this kind of mental rehearsal is effective; athletes use it. I visualize practice and repetition scoring grooves in my brain.
I'm nervous about the show tonight. I feel like I'll be performing for my peers, my community. There's more at stake fucking up than with a room full of comedians. And I'm still very uncertain about my timing, stage presence, and confidence. The actual material, I'm convinced, is funny, but can I make it funny to others? I have to get this old personality out of cold storage that remembers how to be in public. I last dusted it off for the legal staffing job, because I was constantly talking to others. I get nervous, but then after a while it just clicks, and I can "be myself," whatever that is. I wish I could be as funny as I am in my own head. When my brain's putting on a performance, it's really good: the timing's excellent, I use just the right tone to draw people in and make them want to listen to me. I've also read that this kind of mental rehearsal is effective; athletes use it. I visualize practice and repetition scoring grooves in my brain.