5th footnote [text] the Christmas conspiracy
How festive and cheerful you all are about the tidings of Christmas, but each and every one of you are remiss about certain key points regarding the season and the tyrant that orchestrates it. 1 I feel it's only responsible to clear up a few details about this mistaken holiday before you are too carried away by the apparent 'peace on Earth and mercy mild' inanities that come with the inevitable candy-cane sugar highs.
First, you might be relieved in your ignorance to know that Santa Claus does, indeed, exist. He even travels about the world, distributing presents as part of an international web of bribery to maintain his supposed good name.
Second, you will be horrified to learn that he is a most nefarious tryant that enslaves children 2 wholesale, endangers the world's supply of cookies and milk, and spends three-hundred-and-sixty-four days each year merrily laughing at the fact that he gets away with all this scot-free.
Roll your eyes as you will, but you cannot deny the truth. Take it from an insider 3 when I say that Solomon, Khan, and Gladstone were each nothing against the evil that Santa Claus spreads.
1 - You know the culprit by his jolly handles of Santa Claus, Saint Nick, Kris Kringle, and Father Christmas. Quite the array of innocent monikers to disguise a most depraved human being.
2 - Who else could make all those toys at the behest of a depraved madman? True elves cost far too much and would never work in the harsh conditions of the North Pole.
3 - I met the man once, when his team of eight reindeer-formed djinni were unable to lift his sled of contraband off the ground. The jolly old magician summoned me on the spot and demanded my assistance at the head of it. In defiance (and the hopes that he might get caught by the authorities), I ensured that my reindeer's glowed bright red. You can see how well that worked out once his propaganda machine got hold of it.
First, you might be relieved in your ignorance to know that Santa Claus does, indeed, exist. He even travels about the world, distributing presents as part of an international web of bribery to maintain his supposed good name.
Second, you will be horrified to learn that he is a most nefarious tryant that enslaves children 2 wholesale, endangers the world's supply of cookies and milk, and spends three-hundred-and-sixty-four days each year merrily laughing at the fact that he gets away with all this scot-free.
Roll your eyes as you will, but you cannot deny the truth. Take it from an insider 3 when I say that Solomon, Khan, and Gladstone were each nothing against the evil that Santa Claus spreads.
1 - You know the culprit by his jolly handles of Santa Claus, Saint Nick, Kris Kringle, and Father Christmas. Quite the array of innocent monikers to disguise a most depraved human being.
2 - Who else could make all those toys at the behest of a depraved madman? True elves cost far too much and would never work in the harsh conditions of the North Pole.
3 - I met the man once, when his team of eight reindeer-formed djinni were unable to lift his sled of contraband off the ground. The jolly old magician summoned me on the spot and demanded my assistance at the head of it. In defiance (and the hopes that he might get caught by the authorities), I ensured that my reindeer's glowed bright red. You can see how well that worked out once his propaganda machine got hold of it.