Mar 03, 2006 21:16
I'm going home on the 20th. Not permanently, but for a visit. I need to teak a break from everything for a while. The main reason I'm going home though is to visit family. Especially my grandma Schryer, who's dangerously sick right now. She pinched a nerve under her broken hip a few months ago and since then she's developed a bed sore, had it drilled through so it could be taken care of, gotten jaundice, sent to the hospital and now her liver is under attack and the doctors apparently don't know to what level it's at yet. Apparently there's three stages of it and she hasn't advanced enough in tests to show what it is. According to my dad there was a few hours last friday where she almost didn't pull through the night because she was having a bad reaction to her antibitics or something. All I know is that I couldn't listen to it because it makes me want to come home even more. I don't want anything happening to her, especially while I'm up here. I know death is innevitable but I can't help wanting to be selfish for her sake. I want her to get better and to have more than this. She doesn't deserve to have anything happen to her in some hospital where she doesn't understand her surroundings. The last time I saw her was over Christmas break and she definitely looked sick. I could see it in her eyes. God's busy right now it seems. It's not her time, it can't be. I haven't spent enough time with her yet. I'm only eighteen, this can't be happening right now. It seems stupid to even think about. I haven't had coffee with her yet without my parents. I haven't taken her for groceries yet. If there's ever been a time in my life where I've felt completely humanized, it's now. I'm trying my best to hold up fine. I've always been a strong person, and I'm always snapped out of it when I complain or think otherwise. I know you probably think I hate you for your livejournal comment, but I'm going to thank you for it. You know who you are.
I lost the best friend I will ever have the other day. It isn't entirely my fault, so I won't go on and complain about how stupid I am. I guess I didn't have the nerve to tell her the kind of person that I felt she had become, so I distanced myself from her so to keep things alright between us. It's as if all I wanted was for her to remain the same way that she was before. Knowing I had changed however, I couldn't help but feel guilty about it. She's just... not the same. I guess if I ignored it and didn't surround myself with it that things would never change. She helped me through so much and now things I did that she looked down apon she's doing. We were supposed to get an apartment together and things were supposed to change. But I guess we both changed before things could. I talked to my dad about it because I needed help understanding it because trying to make sense of it myself just wasn't working. He said this to me; "If someone feels like they've been controlled all their life, it's only natural they can change when they're out on their own." I guess he might be kind of right. I never stopped to think about it. I could be pissed off right now, but I'm not. If anything I'm worried. I felt like I helped to watch over her, make sure she was alright. It was my job, being what I was to her. But after a certain period I couldn't help her anymore. I don't want to stop to wonder what will happen to her or how she is and will be from now on because thinking about anything bad happening to her makes me sick to my stomach. I'm always going to miss you. And I mean that. I love you. I mean that even more.
I'd like it noted that this isn't a pity entry at all. In fact I don't know how long I'll keep it up. I only have a small hope that the right people will read it.
Candice, I'm sorry. Jade, I'm sorry. Meghan, I'm sorry. Grandma, I'm sorry. To anyone else that may have been affected by my pre-existing selfishness, I'm sorry. I still love you all. And I think about you and the way things used to be every single day. I don't know what it is, there's a filter in my energy flow or something. I'm just... off. The sad thing is that this isn't even like me. I'm developing a habit of unappreciation. I'm sorry for anyone that has had something terrible or sad or unfair happen to them. Ever. Something like this should only make me a stronger person. I'm sorry, I'm afraid, but one thing I'm not is ashamed. Shame is the first stage in regret. And I don't regret anything. I just wish life could be easier. But that's what makes us all who we are I guess, and like many others I wear my scars for everyone to see. Some of the worst times of my life have been a part of making the best times of my life. And for that, I will never forget any of you. I only wish things could be like they used to. You're all beautiful people. Art class will never happen again. Mrs. Annett's stupid english class will never happen again. "Robert what's your birthday?" Ugh. Living across from one of the sweetest, most amazing girls I've ever known will never happen again. Robdice won't ever happen again. It's funny, I can feel myself shaking and I can't even figure out why. It could be because of so many different things; so many different feelings. The most likely being because the window's open and I'm a total douche for not noticing. I just have one last note on this subject. I'll always be a Mary's fairy. Well... I guess I'll always be a fairy. Agent Rainbow out.
This may very well be my last entry.
~Rob~