to days of inspiration

Mar 16, 2006 21:08

i just read some lyrics that seem so appropriate for my situation. i wonder why things are the way they are, and why people are the way they are.

i was going to type why does god make things so hard but i erased it because of course he doesnt, people do.

i really dont want my life to be a waste of a gift. life is the ultimate blessing but i feel like i dont want to live anymore. i mean i do, but at least not like this. i have no motivation or drive.

i need some inspiration on so many levels.

i really really believe in the "no day but today" philosophy and i try and i try so hard, and for awhile, i can make it work. but then i realize i block things away and that is not a good thing. i want to live with the truth of how things are at the moment, not run away from it. somedays i think that it will make me more balanced in the long run and happier, and then on days like today i think it's just my sick little way of tormenting myself and shaving years off my life span.

but then i realize i really do want to know. because i have trouble trusting and when things are true they tend to hurt. and i can trust that hurt is real, and whatever is behind it is real too.

i have too many vices for an 18year old. today is, as i say often to my dad, a hard liqour day. even though i hate it, it would somehow put just the right feeling on my attitude at the moment. although im not quite suer what that would be since im feeling a bunch of things that dont necessarily fit together.

dr. mcallister thinks i shuold be a teacher. the only thing i can ever say is if i am, dont let me teach philosophy.

i feel so negative and i feel so guilty for it, because i have so many things to be grateful for, but i just cant see the big picture. sometimes the details are the things that really really matter, that really bring something together. it's like all the right details have been taken out and now im just here.

i'll leave this depressing entry with a quote from jonathan larson, who never fails to say exactly how i feel:

Come to your senses
The fences inside are not for real
If we feel as we did, and I do

Can't you recall when this all began
It was only you and me
It was only me and you

But now the air is
Filled with confusion
We replace care with illusion

It's cool to be cold
Nothing lasts anymore
Love becomes disposable
This is the shape of things
We cannot ignore
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