(no subject)
i'm so sad here. i don't know what to do. and no, i'm not just stressed from finals week. i've been this way since i got here, and i don't think it's going to change.
i enjoy playing the fiddle, and i'm studying irish music. in ireland. you would think i'm having the time of my life right now, wouldn't you? sure, the music is great, and there's no shortage of it. we can go out and play in a session any night of the week at a multitude of bars. i'm learning music directly from the source, in the way it's been taught for hundreds, if not thousands, of years. i haven't made this many valuable musical connections in my entire life. but music is only half of my life. the other half is comprised of so many things that this environment simply doesn't offer me. good weather. chill people. fun activities. like-minded friends. i've made some very good friends, but half of the time we don't relate to each other at all. these people are from a completely different background and mindset than i am.
on another note, i'm starting to realize how unbelievably expensive europe is. just paying rent and eating costs soooooooo much. it really gets me down. i feel that out of all the selfish things i've done in my time (and there are quite a few), this has got to be #1. just coming to school here is so fucking selfish of me. i have six other siblings who will be going to college at some point. i feel really badly. i feel so unworthy of all of this. i'm the biggest lunatic alive. i need to just go home, get a job with a friend (since that seems to be my only way of getting hired), and go to community college. mesa or city college. that would be good enough for me. then i could transfer to UCSD or something for waaaay less than i am currently paying here. no, i wouldn't be able to study irish music, but i would be able to do something music-related or of strong interest to me. plus, i'd still be able to keep my irish music interest alive; there are PLENTY of sessions in san diego with people of my calibre, and i'd have a regular teacher too.
if i came home, i would become my mother's "equal" - i would willingly take on all of her housekeeping and motherly duties just out of sheer guilt for coming here and spending such an insane amount of money.
i feel so psychotic here. i really do. when i'm at home, i'm the normal, happy erik i've always been. when i'm here, i'm the erik that i don't like. depressed, moody, and bi-polar 90% of the time.
i wanna come home.
i enjoy playing the fiddle, and i'm studying irish music. in ireland. you would think i'm having the time of my life right now, wouldn't you? sure, the music is great, and there's no shortage of it. we can go out and play in a session any night of the week at a multitude of bars. i'm learning music directly from the source, in the way it's been taught for hundreds, if not thousands, of years. i haven't made this many valuable musical connections in my entire life. but music is only half of my life. the other half is comprised of so many things that this environment simply doesn't offer me. good weather. chill people. fun activities. like-minded friends. i've made some very good friends, but half of the time we don't relate to each other at all. these people are from a completely different background and mindset than i am.
on another note, i'm starting to realize how unbelievably expensive europe is. just paying rent and eating costs soooooooo much. it really gets me down. i feel that out of all the selfish things i've done in my time (and there are quite a few), this has got to be #1. just coming to school here is so fucking selfish of me. i have six other siblings who will be going to college at some point. i feel really badly. i feel so unworthy of all of this. i'm the biggest lunatic alive. i need to just go home, get a job with a friend (since that seems to be my only way of getting hired), and go to community college. mesa or city college. that would be good enough for me. then i could transfer to UCSD or something for waaaay less than i am currently paying here. no, i wouldn't be able to study irish music, but i would be able to do something music-related or of strong interest to me. plus, i'd still be able to keep my irish music interest alive; there are PLENTY of sessions in san diego with people of my calibre, and i'd have a regular teacher too.
if i came home, i would become my mother's "equal" - i would willingly take on all of her housekeeping and motherly duties just out of sheer guilt for coming here and spending such an insane amount of money.
i feel so psychotic here. i really do. when i'm at home, i'm the normal, happy erik i've always been. when i'm here, i'm the erik that i don't like. depressed, moody, and bi-polar 90% of the time.
i wanna come home.