As Dorian Gay, he is more than a man with a hard-on.
Yeah, I'm posting the terrible '70s erotica. And I use the word 'erotica' very loosely. IT'S SO BAD. So bad. But also hilarious. And disturbing. A fun combination.
It's basically a lot of WTF excerpts I picked out from various stories. I skimmed about this many, and then decided I couldn't stand anymore, and have been sticking to the pictures alone since then. THESE MAGAZINES, YOU GUYS. Such a mixed blessing.
I was trying to figure out if I need to warn for anything, but I think the entire post needs a sort of general warning altogether.
...not the sort of place I would have expected to find an angel. It was in a toilet at the bus station, and this angel-he had long hippie hair and soft green eyes, and a long moustache that was like cornsilk, and a prick that must have been as beautiful as God's own-was holding his prick, working it softly in his hands, a little piss still coming down from it, bright, beautiful yellow-green stream from his soul, and I bent over starting to touch my finger to the tip of it...but I was afraid, and the angel saw the fear in my eyes and the trembling of my hand, and softly, firmly, his hand brushed over my prick, over that thing that I had thought was the very horn of Lucifer.
And the angel transfigured me like Christ. Right in front of the toilet, he held my prick in his soft hands, he put his lips down to it, brushed his cornsilk moustache against it, and immersed it in his sweet, warm mouth, and right then and there, we took my prick right up to heaven and laid it on the altar of God, and there was thunder and lightning, and the floods came out of my bowels and washed away all my guilt, and baptized the inner soul of my hippie angel blond cock-loving self.
This one was the first one I actually bothered to read, and at this point I decided I was going to have to read more, despite my horror. A prick as beautiful as God's own? Piss? Coming from his SOUL? What? WHAT?
Risking expulsion from the pool-teacher's union, I told him he needed a wider stance as I knelt and grabbed his ankles to separate them further. The hair parted just enough for me to see the exact center of his puckered anal-ring. I almost came right then. It was a struggle to not push my face into his crack and my tongue through the ring. But this was my own brother and I had to feel reasonably certain that he would not be repulsed by my actions.
...I don't even know where to start with this one. It's pretty much gold from start to finish. You know porn's gonna be good when it starts with someone worrying about being expelled from the pool-teacher's union. Especially if it ends with a casual revelation of incest.
But that vision of his asshole beckoned me. I told him to lean over the back of the couch to permit close inspection. I fell in love at that moment. I'm sure there isn't a star in Hollywood who has a more perfect asshole, and it was going to be MINE, anytime I wanted it, as often as I wanted it, as long as I wanted it, or am I getting a little carried away.
Oh, you know, just a tad. Also, I didn't realise Hollywood stars had particularly beautiful assholes...
It didn't take much of that action for me to squirt a gallon of love juice past his tonsils.
JUST NO. LOVE JUICE = NO. Also, mentions of tonsils = no.
..under the bar top and squatted in front of my first customer. He opened his fly himself and took out a cock which was no match for Pepe's older brothers. At the age of six I was already a size queen.
THERE IS NOTHING OKAY ABOUT THIS. NOTHING.
Gary let out a deep groan and shoved himself down, deeper onto the fucking finger. Bob was jamming it deep in his gut. He began ramming it home as fast as he could and moving it back and forth inside the tight, warm butt. He rammed it right against Gary's hot little joy-knob.
Joy...knob? That's supposed to be his prostate, right? JOY-KNOB? *sigh* Also, I noticed it was pretty common to talk about thing being shoved into the 'gut', how is that sexy?!
He started to rub his basket encased in leather. His enormous whang was getting stiff and hard. He slowly began to open his pants and his big dork and huge balls thrust themselves out at the threesome inside the shower.
"It's fantastic!" exclaimed Steve.
Lmao. BASKET. WHANG. DORK.
But more than that, this fine, professionally made film establishes a new star, Alex Devron. As Dorian Gay, he is more than a man with a hard-on. He is a gifted, imaginative actor, a hybrid of the body beautiful and the functioning mind.
Ahahaha. Ahahahaha. DORIAN GAY. I cannot take your review seriously, sir.
Finally...IT happens...one of the horny studs-one of those humpy young buddies-can't help himself...he wants to try it...he's been aching to try it for so long...now...he IS going to try...
I think it's just the phrase 'humpy young buddies' that cracks me up. Also, the entire story was written with ellipses scattered all over it. :/
"Guy, baby-that is undoubtedly the biggest joint in town! How much jazz do you get out of balls like that?"
Happily, Guy replied, "I can come seven times in an hour, and it doesn't even go down!"
"Shit, man-that's the greatest-do you ever jerk-off with your buddies?"
"Sure, all the time. Uh-how about you guys? I guess you're too old for that, huh?"
"Fuck no, buddy-everybody does it all the time!"
Lol, sure. EVERYBODY DOES IT. ALL THE TIME. You just keep telling yourself that, creepy writer. Also, the '70s usage of the word 'jazz' over 'jizz' is something I find kind of weirdly adorable.
He could ejaculate when he was eleven, and always having been complimented on the size and beauty of his peter, he gladly handed it around to anyone who wanted to put it to their own use.
Lolol PETER. Also-he was eleven? Who the fuck was complimenting the size and beauty of his penis?? SO DISTURBING.
Philip was a great suck artist. He was running his tongue around the rigid, red crown of Bob's cock, then all the way down the cum vein to the balls. He played a bit, running his tongue under the rigid, urging mushroom crown.
SUCK ARTIST? CUM VEIN? MUSHROOM CROWN?
He began to manipulate and stroke the hot shaft of manhood that was by no means diminutive.
Idk this one just made me snort with laughter.
Jim grasped a hold of Rickey's hot prick and exclaimed, "You have the most fantastic cock I have ever seen!" and with this he proceeded to kiss, caress and lick the entire length of Rickey's large phallic endowment, taking great care to devote much time and serious attention to the more sensitive parts of this monolith to life.
Phallic endowment. MONOLITH.
I love chicken, if you know what I mean. Well, what I mean is that I LOVE all kind of chicken! The kind you eat, and, well, the other kind you eat, too.
I think we can file this under 'failed euphemism'.
Mike was wavering on the bed, the sensation really getting to him. "C'mon man, suck it," he ordered.
"Yeah, suck it like he says," a strange voice suddenly interrupted the precedings. "Mind if I join in on the fun?"
This legit made me burst out laughing. I want to have a strange voice suddenly interrupt the precedings in the middle of my fic sometime.
I could see a thick drop of cream oozing out the fat mushroom. He started pulling on the meat, working it in long even strokes.
ARE YOU HAVING SEX, OR FOLLOWING A RECIPE?
A guy would have to be blind not to notice a lump like that. His jock strap bulged out like he's shoved a banana down it or something.
...Sexy.
Then he reached down and gripped the stiff young peter hard at the root, brandishing it a couple of times like a weapon in front of my face. I watched with fixed eyes as his hand took a long upward stroke up the length of his thick-meated shaft, up across the wide vermillion head that practically sparkled from the stuff that oozed out the hole.
I love the mental image of somebody brandishing a penis like a weapon.
His other hand worked on his own torrid meat, pulling in long strokes on the fat, dribbling dick. As I looked over, I saw that Dick was pulling his own prick out of his dungarees and working it up into a sizable slab of meat.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP CALLING IT MEAT.
At that very instant, his huge fuck slab rammed free, dripping a big drool of lube juice as it popped out from under that tight, constraining jockstrap!
Fuck slab. Lube juice.
Tim knew all he had to do to get some attention was to show off that huge cock of his! That always got him lots and lots of attention! Just the kind of attention he needed! Soft it hung halfway to his knee! Hard it stuck out in front of him so far that no one could miss it! And, when it was hard there was always some guy on the team who noticed! Sure enough there right in front of Tim, on his knees, was Carlos!
I really don't think all of these exclamation marks are necessary! I don't!
But, he had to admit it was making him feel good! Real good! Then, just as he was feeling real good, he started feeling even better!
I give up.
And it seemed to him as if it was over an hour before he got David's molten-glass cock in his mouth, closed his lips softly, wetly over the clean head, then pumped up and down, faster, hungrier, not even sure afterward if David had been chewing his root at the same time.
...? Molten-glass?
The beautiful turmoil inside David's hot rectum was giving Jim's cock a wild massage, but more than a massage: David's rectum seemed to be saying to Jim's cock, "You've found yourself a home, baby!"
This...just...I can't even. I can't.
Jim wrapped his hand, in up to the knuckle of the hand, half around his prick, and began, in slow motion, to jack himself off inside of David, with David jerking and thrashing about in tormented delight, and kissing as if he was trying to forcefully uproot Jim's tongue.
D: D: D: IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE. NEVER MIND I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.
David pressed down, slowly and all the way in, thighs settling snug against Jim's folded back buttocks, enclosing Jim's tailbone in David's broader hips, their hair nests merging, the soreness suddenly leaving Jim's anus, his rectum opening to the constant pumping of David's dark piston.
I don't understand how you can use words like 'buttocks', 'anus' and 'rectum', and then suddenly throw in ~DARK PISTON~.
"I could suck you while you're eating?" Jim volunteered.
"Eat your rigatoni. It gets cold awful fast."
Ahaha. Ahahahaha.
The first violent gush spurted up from his nuts, through his urethra, and out through the pink slit on the apex of his throbbing crown. The hysterical spasms hurled the steaming celery-scented spunk high up on his chest and belly.
THIS MAKES ME FEEL SLIGHTLY ILL. WHY IS IT CELERY-SCENTED. D: I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW.
Suddenly, the stars burst and the heavens fell as Cory felt his gargantuan pole prod Buddy's heart and an artesian well of sparkling sperm erupted into Buddy's bowels to race on through his body and run in rivulets from the corners of his mouth.
BIOLOGY FAIL. SERIOUS, SERIOUS BIOLOGY FAIL.
My fingers, almost involuntarily, reached for his hanging gems. They felt like eggs beneath a prune-wrinkled covering of loose flesh. Adam lowered them into my mouth, one at a time, as though they needed washing and as if my tongue was the only cleanser available.
Omg WHY WOULD ANYONE THINK THIS SOUNDED SEXY. Eggs, prunes, and cleaning dirty things with your tongue = NOT SEXY, GOD DAMMIT.
Then he forced my face against the bed and relentlessly stabbed me with his weapon.
This is one of those cases where the metaphor is just...too much.
And then that tenderloin tip exploded in my throat and mouth time and again, filling me with his beef extract. I was so intent on his cock exploding that I don't even remember if he made any kind of sound when he shot off his jollies.
Okay. Calling it 'meat' was bad enough already. THAT DIDN'T NEED TO GO ANY FURTHER.
When I suggested that he standfuck me between the thighs and I'd go down on him when he was ready, he just looked deep in my eyes and said: "Troy, I'd groove on that very much, but I've already shot a load and you haven't. It wouldn't be fair to you."
Omg I love this one so much. STANDFUCKING? HE'D GROOVE ON THAT VERY MUCH.
And when he came, he arched off the bench just as if someone had shoved a hot firepoker up his ass, his entire body jerking with each spasm.
"Wow-wow-wow!" he yelled. "I've never tripped on a light show like just now. Troy, baby, I want to make it with you as many times as you'll have me."
After we dried each other of, he put his arm over my shoulder. "Troy," he said, "you're the best dude I've ever met. You're such a far-out all-around-man that you're clear out-of-sight!" With that sultry look of his, Blake tenderly and lightly kissed me.
IS THIS DIALOGUE FOR REAL?
I figured his tongue must have had a special point to it because no one had ever gone down on my piss-canal that much before.
Piss-canal. PISS-CANAL?
He got down to the floor and stretching out he said: "David, you're some love bug! You can bite my thingy anytime."
...Romantic.
Glen had been truthful-it was a real beauty, rearing from its tangled bed of maroon curls.
This one just baffles me a little. Okay, he's a redhead, but...maroon? That's an odd colour for pubes, right?
Glen rolled and kneaded his hysterical nuts, packed and boiling for release.
Omg hysterical nuts.
Tom positioned himself so that the snub nose of his mighty, scarlet helmet nudged Glen's convulsing asshole, practically hysterical with anticipation.
His penis has a nose? And a helmet, apparently? (Also lolol hysterical asshole.)
To Glen, it seemed like he'd never stop moving in but the feeling of that montrous crest rumbling like a steamroller over his prostate gland, then flattening out all the wrinkles and convolutions on his canal walls made him moan and wriggle with delight.
No. Nooooo. Not sexy.
This continued until Steve got married and Darrin was terribly hurt the first time Steve refused him after that. "I just can't do it anymore with you, Darrin, baby. I'm married now and all my jazz belongs to Eileen. You understand, don't you, baby?"
ALL YOUR JAZZ ARE BELONG TO US.
The prick that he'd just fucked off couldn't even hold a candle to this little devil! Holy Jumping Judas! When this kid sucked you off, he went all the way!!
I'm really going to have to start saying 'Holy Jumping Judas'. Especially in a sexual context.
The boys wrapped their arms around each other. "You're a little beauty-do you know that?" Roy asked tenderly.
"And you're the stud I've waited for all my life!" Deke replied.
"My name is Roy-what's yours?"
"Deke-Deke Williams."
Lol they have their priorities in order.
As he sold flowers each day, Joe got so he could see Alan's softly sensitive face in any open rose or carnation. At least once a day he kissed some flower with a fine passion that crushed its soft petals, and broke its stem. But Alan's stem, Joe always handled as if it were the rarest of blossoms, easing his breath, his tongue or his lips worshipfully over it, concerned for its fragility, wanting only to lift off nectar at least six times a night.
Lulz. Another one where the metaphor just keeps going...and going.
Tom wasn't the least bit quiet about what he was doing. He moaned and panted, cursing out a long stream of hot lustful words. "OOOHHH...fuckfuckfuck...YEAH...fuckin' nuts are fuckin' goin' CRAZY! My HOT...fuckin'...CUM LOADED...fuckin'...NUTS...are goin' to fuckin'...FUCKIN' SPURT...fuckin' spurt out the hot slit in the hot tip of my HOT...HARD...FUCKIN'...COCK!"
Yeah, no. This is not hot or lustful. It's just ridiculous.
John was going wild at the sight, his briefs shoved to his knees, one hand moving up and down the malepole, the other stroking his nipples.
Omg malepole.
He shucked down his gym trunks and stood bareass, his thick thing swinging heavily out from his hairy groin.
NOT SEXY. Also I realise there's a risk of being TOO descriptive, but just calling it a 'thing' is maybe a bit too vague.
All the while keeping a watchful eye on Ken, John put the tip of the dildo against his love hole and shoved hard.
LOVE HOLE?
"Don't take your time!" John begged, "I can take that big thing. Don't hold back."
"You sure?" Ken asked excitedly. "You're talking about ten inches of stiff man dick."
"Fuck me, Ken! Give me that soldier's cock. Show me how you screw in the army!"
Oh god. Once again, IS THIS DIALOGUE FOR REAL?
*hands out brain bleach*
It's basically a lot of WTF excerpts I picked out from various stories. I skimmed about this many, and then decided I couldn't stand anymore, and have been sticking to the pictures alone since then. THESE MAGAZINES, YOU GUYS. Such a mixed blessing.
I was trying to figure out if I need to warn for anything, but I think the entire post needs a sort of general warning altogether.
...not the sort of place I would have expected to find an angel. It was in a toilet at the bus station, and this angel-he had long hippie hair and soft green eyes, and a long moustache that was like cornsilk, and a prick that must have been as beautiful as God's own-was holding his prick, working it softly in his hands, a little piss still coming down from it, bright, beautiful yellow-green stream from his soul, and I bent over starting to touch my finger to the tip of it...but I was afraid, and the angel saw the fear in my eyes and the trembling of my hand, and softly, firmly, his hand brushed over my prick, over that thing that I had thought was the very horn of Lucifer.
And the angel transfigured me like Christ. Right in front of the toilet, he held my prick in his soft hands, he put his lips down to it, brushed his cornsilk moustache against it, and immersed it in his sweet, warm mouth, and right then and there, we took my prick right up to heaven and laid it on the altar of God, and there was thunder and lightning, and the floods came out of my bowels and washed away all my guilt, and baptized the inner soul of my hippie angel blond cock-loving self.
This one was the first one I actually bothered to read, and at this point I decided I was going to have to read more, despite my horror. A prick as beautiful as God's own? Piss? Coming from his SOUL? What? WHAT?
Risking expulsion from the pool-teacher's union, I told him he needed a wider stance as I knelt and grabbed his ankles to separate them further. The hair parted just enough for me to see the exact center of his puckered anal-ring. I almost came right then. It was a struggle to not push my face into his crack and my tongue through the ring. But this was my own brother and I had to feel reasonably certain that he would not be repulsed by my actions.
...I don't even know where to start with this one. It's pretty much gold from start to finish. You know porn's gonna be good when it starts with someone worrying about being expelled from the pool-teacher's union. Especially if it ends with a casual revelation of incest.
But that vision of his asshole beckoned me. I told him to lean over the back of the couch to permit close inspection. I fell in love at that moment. I'm sure there isn't a star in Hollywood who has a more perfect asshole, and it was going to be MINE, anytime I wanted it, as often as I wanted it, as long as I wanted it, or am I getting a little carried away.
Oh, you know, just a tad. Also, I didn't realise Hollywood stars had particularly beautiful assholes...
It didn't take much of that action for me to squirt a gallon of love juice past his tonsils.
JUST NO. LOVE JUICE = NO. Also, mentions of tonsils = no.
..under the bar top and squatted in front of my first customer. He opened his fly himself and took out a cock which was no match for Pepe's older brothers. At the age of six I was already a size queen.
THERE IS NOTHING OKAY ABOUT THIS. NOTHING.
Gary let out a deep groan and shoved himself down, deeper onto the fucking finger. Bob was jamming it deep in his gut. He began ramming it home as fast as he could and moving it back and forth inside the tight, warm butt. He rammed it right against Gary's hot little joy-knob.
Joy...knob? That's supposed to be his prostate, right? JOY-KNOB? *sigh* Also, I noticed it was pretty common to talk about thing being shoved into the 'gut', how is that sexy?!
He started to rub his basket encased in leather. His enormous whang was getting stiff and hard. He slowly began to open his pants and his big dork and huge balls thrust themselves out at the threesome inside the shower.
"It's fantastic!" exclaimed Steve.
Lmao. BASKET. WHANG. DORK.
But more than that, this fine, professionally made film establishes a new star, Alex Devron. As Dorian Gay, he is more than a man with a hard-on. He is a gifted, imaginative actor, a hybrid of the body beautiful and the functioning mind.
Ahahaha. Ahahahaha. DORIAN GAY. I cannot take your review seriously, sir.
Finally...IT happens...one of the horny studs-one of those humpy young buddies-can't help himself...he wants to try it...he's been aching to try it for so long...now...he IS going to try...
I think it's just the phrase 'humpy young buddies' that cracks me up. Also, the entire story was written with ellipses scattered all over it. :/
"Guy, baby-that is undoubtedly the biggest joint in town! How much jazz do you get out of balls like that?"
Happily, Guy replied, "I can come seven times in an hour, and it doesn't even go down!"
"Shit, man-that's the greatest-do you ever jerk-off with your buddies?"
"Sure, all the time. Uh-how about you guys? I guess you're too old for that, huh?"
"Fuck no, buddy-everybody does it all the time!"
Lol, sure. EVERYBODY DOES IT. ALL THE TIME. You just keep telling yourself that, creepy writer. Also, the '70s usage of the word 'jazz' over 'jizz' is something I find kind of weirdly adorable.
He could ejaculate when he was eleven, and always having been complimented on the size and beauty of his peter, he gladly handed it around to anyone who wanted to put it to their own use.
Lolol PETER. Also-he was eleven? Who the fuck was complimenting the size and beauty of his penis?? SO DISTURBING.
Philip was a great suck artist. He was running his tongue around the rigid, red crown of Bob's cock, then all the way down the cum vein to the balls. He played a bit, running his tongue under the rigid, urging mushroom crown.
SUCK ARTIST? CUM VEIN? MUSHROOM CROWN?
He began to manipulate and stroke the hot shaft of manhood that was by no means diminutive.
Idk this one just made me snort with laughter.
Jim grasped a hold of Rickey's hot prick and exclaimed, "You have the most fantastic cock I have ever seen!" and with this he proceeded to kiss, caress and lick the entire length of Rickey's large phallic endowment, taking great care to devote much time and serious attention to the more sensitive parts of this monolith to life.
Phallic endowment. MONOLITH.
I love chicken, if you know what I mean. Well, what I mean is that I LOVE all kind of chicken! The kind you eat, and, well, the other kind you eat, too.
I think we can file this under 'failed euphemism'.
Mike was wavering on the bed, the sensation really getting to him. "C'mon man, suck it," he ordered.
"Yeah, suck it like he says," a strange voice suddenly interrupted the precedings. "Mind if I join in on the fun?"
This legit made me burst out laughing. I want to have a strange voice suddenly interrupt the precedings in the middle of my fic sometime.
I could see a thick drop of cream oozing out the fat mushroom. He started pulling on the meat, working it in long even strokes.
ARE YOU HAVING SEX, OR FOLLOWING A RECIPE?
A guy would have to be blind not to notice a lump like that. His jock strap bulged out like he's shoved a banana down it or something.
...Sexy.
Then he reached down and gripped the stiff young peter hard at the root, brandishing it a couple of times like a weapon in front of my face. I watched with fixed eyes as his hand took a long upward stroke up the length of his thick-meated shaft, up across the wide vermillion head that practically sparkled from the stuff that oozed out the hole.
I love the mental image of somebody brandishing a penis like a weapon.
His other hand worked on his own torrid meat, pulling in long strokes on the fat, dribbling dick. As I looked over, I saw that Dick was pulling his own prick out of his dungarees and working it up into a sizable slab of meat.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP CALLING IT MEAT.
At that very instant, his huge fuck slab rammed free, dripping a big drool of lube juice as it popped out from under that tight, constraining jockstrap!
Fuck slab. Lube juice.
Tim knew all he had to do to get some attention was to show off that huge cock of his! That always got him lots and lots of attention! Just the kind of attention he needed! Soft it hung halfway to his knee! Hard it stuck out in front of him so far that no one could miss it! And, when it was hard there was always some guy on the team who noticed! Sure enough there right in front of Tim, on his knees, was Carlos!
I really don't think all of these exclamation marks are necessary! I don't!
But, he had to admit it was making him feel good! Real good! Then, just as he was feeling real good, he started feeling even better!
I give up.
And it seemed to him as if it was over an hour before he got David's molten-glass cock in his mouth, closed his lips softly, wetly over the clean head, then pumped up and down, faster, hungrier, not even sure afterward if David had been chewing his root at the same time.
...? Molten-glass?
The beautiful turmoil inside David's hot rectum was giving Jim's cock a wild massage, but more than a massage: David's rectum seemed to be saying to Jim's cock, "You've found yourself a home, baby!"
This...just...I can't even. I can't.
Jim wrapped his hand, in up to the knuckle of the hand, half around his prick, and began, in slow motion, to jack himself off inside of David, with David jerking and thrashing about in tormented delight, and kissing as if he was trying to forcefully uproot Jim's tongue.
D: D: D: IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE. NEVER MIND I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.
David pressed down, slowly and all the way in, thighs settling snug against Jim's folded back buttocks, enclosing Jim's tailbone in David's broader hips, their hair nests merging, the soreness suddenly leaving Jim's anus, his rectum opening to the constant pumping of David's dark piston.
I don't understand how you can use words like 'buttocks', 'anus' and 'rectum', and then suddenly throw in ~DARK PISTON~.
"I could suck you while you're eating?" Jim volunteered.
"Eat your rigatoni. It gets cold awful fast."
Ahaha. Ahahahaha.
The first violent gush spurted up from his nuts, through his urethra, and out through the pink slit on the apex of his throbbing crown. The hysterical spasms hurled the steaming celery-scented spunk high up on his chest and belly.
THIS MAKES ME FEEL SLIGHTLY ILL. WHY IS IT CELERY-SCENTED. D: I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW.
Suddenly, the stars burst and the heavens fell as Cory felt his gargantuan pole prod Buddy's heart and an artesian well of sparkling sperm erupted into Buddy's bowels to race on through his body and run in rivulets from the corners of his mouth.
BIOLOGY FAIL. SERIOUS, SERIOUS BIOLOGY FAIL.
My fingers, almost involuntarily, reached for his hanging gems. They felt like eggs beneath a prune-wrinkled covering of loose flesh. Adam lowered them into my mouth, one at a time, as though they needed washing and as if my tongue was the only cleanser available.
Omg WHY WOULD ANYONE THINK THIS SOUNDED SEXY. Eggs, prunes, and cleaning dirty things with your tongue = NOT SEXY, GOD DAMMIT.
Then he forced my face against the bed and relentlessly stabbed me with his weapon.
This is one of those cases where the metaphor is just...too much.
And then that tenderloin tip exploded in my throat and mouth time and again, filling me with his beef extract. I was so intent on his cock exploding that I don't even remember if he made any kind of sound when he shot off his jollies.
Okay. Calling it 'meat' was bad enough already. THAT DIDN'T NEED TO GO ANY FURTHER.
When I suggested that he standfuck me between the thighs and I'd go down on him when he was ready, he just looked deep in my eyes and said: "Troy, I'd groove on that very much, but I've already shot a load and you haven't. It wouldn't be fair to you."
Omg I love this one so much. STANDFUCKING? HE'D GROOVE ON THAT VERY MUCH.
And when he came, he arched off the bench just as if someone had shoved a hot firepoker up his ass, his entire body jerking with each spasm.
"Wow-wow-wow!" he yelled. "I've never tripped on a light show like just now. Troy, baby, I want to make it with you as many times as you'll have me."
After we dried each other of, he put his arm over my shoulder. "Troy," he said, "you're the best dude I've ever met. You're such a far-out all-around-man that you're clear out-of-sight!" With that sultry look of his, Blake tenderly and lightly kissed me.
IS THIS DIALOGUE FOR REAL?
I figured his tongue must have had a special point to it because no one had ever gone down on my piss-canal that much before.
Piss-canal. PISS-CANAL?
He got down to the floor and stretching out he said: "David, you're some love bug! You can bite my thingy anytime."
...Romantic.
Glen had been truthful-it was a real beauty, rearing from its tangled bed of maroon curls.
This one just baffles me a little. Okay, he's a redhead, but...maroon? That's an odd colour for pubes, right?
Glen rolled and kneaded his hysterical nuts, packed and boiling for release.
Omg hysterical nuts.
Tom positioned himself so that the snub nose of his mighty, scarlet helmet nudged Glen's convulsing asshole, practically hysterical with anticipation.
His penis has a nose? And a helmet, apparently? (Also lolol hysterical asshole.)
To Glen, it seemed like he'd never stop moving in but the feeling of that montrous crest rumbling like a steamroller over his prostate gland, then flattening out all the wrinkles and convolutions on his canal walls made him moan and wriggle with delight.
No. Nooooo. Not sexy.
This continued until Steve got married and Darrin was terribly hurt the first time Steve refused him after that. "I just can't do it anymore with you, Darrin, baby. I'm married now and all my jazz belongs to Eileen. You understand, don't you, baby?"
ALL YOUR JAZZ ARE BELONG TO US.
The prick that he'd just fucked off couldn't even hold a candle to this little devil! Holy Jumping Judas! When this kid sucked you off, he went all the way!!
I'm really going to have to start saying 'Holy Jumping Judas'. Especially in a sexual context.
The boys wrapped their arms around each other. "You're a little beauty-do you know that?" Roy asked tenderly.
"And you're the stud I've waited for all my life!" Deke replied.
"My name is Roy-what's yours?"
"Deke-Deke Williams."
Lol they have their priorities in order.
As he sold flowers each day, Joe got so he could see Alan's softly sensitive face in any open rose or carnation. At least once a day he kissed some flower with a fine passion that crushed its soft petals, and broke its stem. But Alan's stem, Joe always handled as if it were the rarest of blossoms, easing his breath, his tongue or his lips worshipfully over it, concerned for its fragility, wanting only to lift off nectar at least six times a night.
Lulz. Another one where the metaphor just keeps going...and going.
Tom wasn't the least bit quiet about what he was doing. He moaned and panted, cursing out a long stream of hot lustful words. "OOOHHH...fuckfuckfuck...YEAH...fuckin' nuts are fuckin' goin' CRAZY! My HOT...fuckin'...CUM LOADED...fuckin'...NUTS...are goin' to fuckin'...FUCKIN' SPURT...fuckin' spurt out the hot slit in the hot tip of my HOT...HARD...FUCKIN'...COCK!"
Yeah, no. This is not hot or lustful. It's just ridiculous.
John was going wild at the sight, his briefs shoved to his knees, one hand moving up and down the malepole, the other stroking his nipples.
Omg malepole.
He shucked down his gym trunks and stood bareass, his thick thing swinging heavily out from his hairy groin.
NOT SEXY. Also I realise there's a risk of being TOO descriptive, but just calling it a 'thing' is maybe a bit too vague.
All the while keeping a watchful eye on Ken, John put the tip of the dildo against his love hole and shoved hard.
LOVE HOLE?
"Don't take your time!" John begged, "I can take that big thing. Don't hold back."
"You sure?" Ken asked excitedly. "You're talking about ten inches of stiff man dick."
"Fuck me, Ken! Give me that soldier's cock. Show me how you screw in the army!"
Oh god. Once again, IS THIS DIALOGUE FOR REAL?
*hands out brain bleach*