the one where i am pretty sentimental
i have been a bit of a sentimental ball of emotions lately, which was only intensified by my decision to read past livejournal entries. i started out to look for the survey i just posted that i had done years ago to see how it had changed, and i ended up reading old entries. i started reading about my freshmen year of college on the same day i moved out of east lansing for good. maybe not the smartest decision, but we're letting it happen.
it's so weird for me to think that these past four years of my life are over. i was sitting in the cornell house last night, just thinking about my senior year. that house, though i only lived in it for three months, was such a huge part of my last year in the el. i slept there more weekend nights than my own apartment. i had the biggest fights i have ever had with people in that house. for the first time, i actually took the chance and looked a boy in the eye and told him how i felt while we were standing in the street in front of that house. my time living with melissa, and my friendship with melissa in general, i think has made me a much stronger person. it taught me that i can speak my mind in friendships, and that i don't necessarily always have to say the right thing. saying goodbye to her yesterday also was like me saying goodbye to msu. she was such a huge part of my senior year, which is truly the year i found myself. i honestly didn't think it would set in so quickly, that i am done with college, but reading about my life then & looking at pictures has made it do just that. i started with december of 2003, which i really feel was when my college life truly began. katie & i were just becoming good friends, i was super close to gina and jackie, kris & i were inseperable, and i was still friends with jessica. reading about parties in andy & anthony's dorm room, it seems like those just happened yesterday. movie nights in brian's room with the wilson boys before brian and i were even close. i think about freshmen year, and i remember those nights and talks that were had as clear and as vivid as if they had only just happened. it's so hard for me to understand that i will never have that lifestyle ever again. i will never again live in a dorm, never be surrounded by people who are experiencing nearly the exact same thing as me. i won't be able to look at people i pass by on the street and see in their eyes the same stress i am feeling during certain weeks of the year. college towns are kind of like one big family--even though there is a certain distance between the residents, you have an understanding of what each other is going through. i didn't realize until today how terrified i am of the uncertainty of my future. i know i'm going to be okay because i have an amazing support group of friends and family who will get me through it, but it's still threatening. these past four years, i have had my life planned out for me. i knew exactly where i was going to be and what i was going to be doing nearly every day of the year. now, everything is a mystery, which i guess is exciting to a certain extent. it's hard looking back on the past because there's no way to go back to it. i do know this. if i had the chance, i would live each of my last four years over again. exactly the same way i lived them previously. i know that these years have taught me so much and helped me grow up a hell of a lot. every ounce of pain i felt, whether it be from breakups, heartaches, or failed friendships, has helped to shape me into who i am. along with that, i have had so much fun with the people i was privileged to meet in east lansing, and they, too have made me the person i am today. i have learned from mistakes, learned to accept others who i never thought would be my friends, and learned that not all boys are the same. my confidence has grown so much, and i finally like who i am. i am so thankful that i had the opportunity to experience the college lifestyle, and i guess that this is my farewell to msu. thanks for an amazing four years, bro.
in addition to my msu friends, the boys and i were the closest that we had ever been during my first year of college. it was before girlfriends, drama, and the band blowing up, and before danny was miles away for most of the year. i was pretty important in their lives. i was the go-to girl for everything for them. we all knew everything about each other, and hung out constantly. now, girlfriends who read this, you KNOW i love you and i am so happy you are in the group now. just know that. but, there was a time when i was the only girl in the group. there was also a time when the boys were absolutley inseperable. honestly, you couldn't see one of them somewhere without the other. i miss our group. i miss astl&co and how damn close we were. i still love those boys with all my heart, and i know they will always love me. unlike a lot of parts of my college career, i'm pretty positive that the astl&co. boys will always be a part of my life. and i still do believe that, even though we are not as close as we once were, those boys would do anything for me if i needed them. and for that i feel incredibly lucky and blessed. so, dear astl&co [current girlfriends included], thanks for making my move home so exciting and happy. i love you all so damn much.
anyone who read through that mess, i'm sorry it was so jumbled. i was just feeling the urge and need to write. <3